The Vine: October 27, 2010
Need more Vine-esque goodness? Dig my new column for Time Out New York, “Tough Love.”
I have been self-employed for the last five or six years and for the most part find it’s great. I earn more, on average, than I used to when I was employed and my working hours are more flexible. Also, I get to say yes or no to offered projects on the basis of how interesting they are and how much they pay — which is a refreshing change to having to work on whatever your boss tells you.
I work mostly from home with occasional meetings at other people’s offices, or in cafes etc. if a public place is needed. If I have a lot of work I sometimes subcontract some of it to a few other trusted freelancers. As I have lived, and worked, in various parts of the UK, most of the other freelancers I work with are based considerable distances away so we keep in touch by phone and email with occasional meetings in person.
I am a writer as well, mostly for fun although I take it fairly seriously and try to improve. I find freelancing gives me more time to write than commuting to a job did.
The only problem is that I get quite lonely. I am a sociable person who enjoys having colleagues. I like the banter over the water cooler and a number of my good friends are people who I worked with previously. My husband is an academic and doesn’t work particularly long hours, but he is out of the house most of the day and is a quiet, introverted person who doesn’t necessarily want to chat when he gets in from work.
I have a reasonably good network of friends locally and some are also self-employed and/or mums of young children so sometimes I see them during the day, although I have to make sure I do actually get enough work done rather than spending the day having coffee. I also attend a couple of exercise classes during the week, and usually go out a couple of evenings to play music.
Feeling lonely and isolated does impact on my mental health as I am prone to mild depression and spending all day on my own makes it worse. I have never quite come to terms with the weird feeling when you get up on a Monday morning and don’t have a job to go to. It got to the state earlier this year that I took a contract in-house with a research company. There wasn’t much freelance work around in any case, and I felt that I must work with other people for a while. I enjoyed the sociability but I found that was outweighed in the end by the lack of interest of the work and the tedious aspects of the workplace that I’d kind of forgotten about — the interminable meetings, the timesheets and having to spout company policy to clients even when you don’t really agree with it.
Plus, for the four months the contract lasted I had no time to write and didn’t have the flexibility to take on the bits of freelance work I was offered.
It’s clearly best for me overall to work freelance from home, but have you or the readers got any suggestions as to other strategies I can use to create a feeling of colleagues when I don’t have any? I have considered renting an office, but I don’t really earn enough to justify it at the moment. For several years I had a part time job locally and worked at home for the remaining days, which in many ways was the best of both worlds, but in this current recession there seem to be fewer part time jobs around and it’s become highly competitive to get one.
Any suggestions as to how I can stay productive and keep my spirits up are really welcome.
Talking Far Too Much To My Cat
Dear Talking,
It’s not enough for everyone, but I’ve found that the virtual space takes care of my social needs during the workday. Without knowing the specifics of what you do — or, more to the point, how it gets done: which (or whether) tasks require your full attention and for how long, how much time is spent collaborating, and so on — it’s hard for me to say whether that would work for you, and some people do need literal human contact.
But for what I do, and the proportions of total concentration to busywork and follow-up, it works. For a couple of hours, I’ll have email and Twitter hidden and IM turned off so that my focus doesn’t get diluted, but for most of the day, I have online “company” — Tweets, IM discussions, a Skype with Keckler during her son’s nap.
Everyone doesn’t have the same solitude/socializing requirements, but I think the work cohort is important, if for no other reason than that taking ten minutes to eat cereal and talk TV with a colleague lets the part of your brain that’s “working” lie fallow and recharge for a bit. I also think that, if you address your needs in that regard consciously, as a key element of a productive work environment, you can probably make it work virtually.
If you can’t, try researching something like this in your area. You may not find anything locally, but in Brooklyn they’ve sprung up like mushrooms lately, and a lot of them offer leveled plans that address clients’ differing needs — you can pick from a cube-farm set-up, a shared desk in a quiet room, a cube with access to a library, a bullpen with phones, and so on. I’ve also seen them in converted houses that work like retreats: you work quietly with no internet or phone until lunchtime, take an hour break and chat with the other clients or catch up on Twitter, then go back in your hole until 5:30.
If you don’t find anything like that, or feel you can’t justify the expense, try making a concerted effort to socialize online in addition to your in-person contacts — or go on the Craigslist equivalent in your area and set up your own bullpen of like-minded freelancers. You can screen prospective workmates, rent a room somewhere together, and have company you select.
But again, I live further down the solitude spectrum than you do, I think. Readers, anything I’ve overlooked?
I’m involved in a long-distance relationship. After reading The Vine for several years, I know of many pitfalls to avoid, but is there a recipe for success? We want to make this work.
Seven months ago, I reconnected with an old friend at a funeral. We are both divorced with three school-age children. His youngest is 12; my youngest is 6.
He has family near me, and comes to my state and stays with them frequently. He did this about 4-5 times a year before we got involved. Now he comes out about every 6 weeks and stays for a week or two with his family. His work (and mine) is flexible so we can work anywhere but I, in particular, have to work very long hours.
I have custody of my children. Their father is an alcoholic and he sees them a couple of times a week after being Breathalyzed. I am committed to staying in this area so the children can maintain their relationship with their father. His ex-wife has custody of their children, but he sees them almost every week. (She moved 90 minutes away after they divorced.)
While we can spend time together, I can rarely go to visit him because the children can’t spend the night with their father. We talk on the phone every day for at least an hour, usually much longer. He can move out here, and probably will eventually, but wants to be near his kids. We’re looking at a long time apart.
To further complicate matters, he has had cancer and is more likely than the rest of us to have a recurrence. I’m very worried that he will get sick and I won’t be able to care for him as I’m 2,000 miles away. I’m the sole breadwinner in the family; in addition to the children I have significant work responsibilities.
Our relationship is very strong. We just have logistical problems. I would love to hear your advice on making a long-distance relationship work.
Tanya
Dear Tanya,
Your biggest challenge here is accepting the relationship for what it is, whatever it is — and a big part of that is not focusing on what it isn’t. It isn’t conventional, but so what. It isn’t easy, but they seldom are. Concentrate on the “relationship” part, not on the “long-distance” part.
I mean, yeah, there’s the day-to-day tips I can give you: don’t fight on the phone, or have State of the Relationship talks on the phone; don’t put too much pressure on the times you spend together in person to be nonstop intense fun. Keep that stuff in mind — but don’t keep it in the front of your mind all the time, how hard a long-distance relationship is, how many things would have to change before you could live together, on and on. Because who says you have to live together, now or in the future? Who says the logistics here actually present a problem? Sorry to trot out the most overused phrase in the English language here, but: it is what it is. You care about each other; you make it work within the strictures of your respective lives. If you feel confident in one another’s feelings, that’s that.
In a few years, as the kids get older, as your ex-husband maybe pulls it together somewhat, as your careers evolve, yes, things could change. Yes, your boyfriend’s cancer could recur, and that would make things difficult in a different way. A little anxiety about that is normal, but you can’t control it; you can’t really predict how any of it will go, and on the one hand, that sucks, but on the other hand, you probably wouldn’t have predicted that you’d end up in a relationship with the guy in the first place when you left for the funeral that day, right?
You’re already making the relationship work, you said so yourself. Try to be where you are, instead of putting a bunch of “supposed to be” on yourselves.
Tags: boys (and girls) workplace
Right on, as usual. And can I just say that I am so excited that a whole new group of people will be exposed to your dating advice. That can only make the world a better place.
Tanya–
My partner and I were 2,000 miles apart for two years before we finally moved in together. I think one of the key things we did was to come up with creative things to do together–it’s easy to fall into a rut of “talk on the phone about our days for an hour and then have awkward silence” when you’re in a long-distance relationship. But if you do things like read books to each other over the phone, both set up a monopoly board and play over the webcam, cue up a DVD at the same time and watch a movie together, etc., those can give you new things to discuss and ways to “hang out” together, and can make your time apart go a little faster.
I work at home, too, and just found a meetup.com group for people in my field. I’ve only been to one meeting so far, but it was like all the best parts of having coworkers – plus beer!
@Talking, have you checked out the forum at FreelanceSwitch.com? It might provide a more satisfying virtual water cooler solution than Twitter. Although I have the opposite problem–my husband is a full-time student taking all of his classes online, and as much as I love him, sometimes I wish I had a little less company during my work day.
Otherwise I have nothing constructive to add, but congrats on the new column, Sars!
@Talking, my church recently started a new program wherein one day a week (Wednesdays I think), members who work from home can work from one of the meeting rooms in the church basement. They pooled their money (and their technical know-how) to take care of the wiring for that room and so forth, but otherwise don’t have to pay to use the meeting room. Similar to the link that Sars included, but a little less “office-y” as I do believe they are using the middle school Sunday School room, but at least they get to be around people for the day.
Congrats on the new column! TONY just got even better!
New shiny column! Snaps to you!
Congratulations, Sars! I’m unreasonably excited for you about the new column.
Thanks, guys! I don’t have much of a question backlog, so feel free to double-submit — the address for those questions is toughlove at timeoutny dot com.
Talking, I do know quite a number of people who really love the co-working model when doing freelance work that can be quite isolating otherwise. Here in Houston, the best example is the Caroline Collective, but I’ve also seen it work pretty well informally in friendly coffee houses.
Wow, that right there is enough great news for me to resubscribe to TONY…although I have to say that 90% of the fun of the Vine is in some of the really long, convoluted questions (chain mail! shoplifting tomato cans!), which I guess would not translate well to print media. Smack will be laid down nevertheless, I’m certain…it’ll just be abbreviated smack.
@Talking: I’m a freelance translator, working out of my home for a little over seven years now. I’ve found that joining some industry associations and (virtual) mailing lists has helped me feel more in the loop. Maybe you can find some for your line of work, too.
One professional organization to which I belong holds annual conferences in different locations around the world, as well as monthly get-togethers closer to their headquarters (over 6,400 miles away). I try to make it to the big conferences and do what I can to attend the smaller meetings if I’m in the area; it’s a lot of fun to put faces to the online names and makes those virtual interactions a lot more personal. Heck, I even had dinner and karaoke with someone from that organization when I happened to be in San Francisco last year.
AWESOME about the new column! Woo!
It’s not a problem until the cat talks back, right? Try LinkedIn. They have lots of groups, some better than others but you can always leave a group, and several which are for freelancers and freelance writers.
How about volunteering? It doesn’t have to be within your work field and maybe a few hours a couple of times a month will satisfy the craving for some social interaction. Animal shelters always need folks to walk the dogs and pet the cats. What about your local library? I do a couple of hours each Saturday at mine, pretty much pointing out the restrooms, the public computers, helping with the self-check and looking up stuff in the catalog for patrons but libraries often need shelvers, shelf readers, someone to keep the bulletin board clean. Meals on Wheels? Local Chamber of Commerce? SMART/read to kids program?
Congrats on the new column Sars! Yay, more Vine goodness. Can you let us know the schedule of when/how often you will be posting there?
@rick: I believe it’s a weekly column, online, and occasional appearances in the print edition (like this week, which hits newsstands tomorrow).
Don’t worry, you’ll be so up to date you’ll want to punch me. Heh.
I second Nanc’s volunteering suggestion. I started doing light construction work for the local community garden group once a week and loved it and my coworkers so much I kept on for over a year, until I moved to another city. I also worked weekly for a time at a soup kitchen, which was great fun. Back in college my friends and I would babysit kids at the local domestic violence shelter for an hour or so a week so that the moms could just have some time for themselves. Arts organizations often need volunteers too.
I’d call around to organizations whose work appeals to you and just see what opportunities they have available. You could try a bunch once or twice each until you find a good fit.
Congrats, Sars! More advice=more awesome.
Tanya, Sars is spot on as she always is, and the most important part of the advice is that the relationship is yours. You own it, it doesn’t own you. Long distance, child-care issues, and health scares can sometimes inflate a relationship into this giant Hindenberg of a beast that you have to tow around and worry about parking and hold your breath in panic about its bursting into flame, but it’s not. It’s a bond between two people who love each other. It will flex, it will stretch, but you can keep it in control.
@Talking. If you would be up for a part time job and the only thing limiting you is that they aren’t available, you could always volunteer in a charity shop. I volunteered at Oxfam while I was unemployed and searching for work, and it kept me sane! And the great thing is they are much more flexible than a paying job. Usually they’d be happy to have you even one afternoon a week if that is all the time you can spare.
Congratulations Sars! That was a great first column.
Hey, @Talking here. I have solved the problem since I wrote, by renting a desk from a former colleague who runs a small not-for-profit not far from where I live. It’s working out really well so far. I do research for charities and arts organisations and I need to keep my overhead very low or it might as well be voluntary… I think maybe my letter wasn’t very clear that I’m not lonely overall, but rather have a specific issue of preferring to work with other people physically present. However, I very much like Sars’ concept of a ‘solitude spectrum’ and choosing/arranging your work accordingly. We don’t have any hotdesking places in the area where I live (too suburban) although there are a few in city centres in the UK. I love the suggestion to make a list of other freelancers and start one though. Thanks! (and if you work in an office with spare space, consider hosting a freelancer…)
Don’t worry, you’ll be so up to date you’ll want to punch me. Heh.
Hi, celebratory t-shirt! Congratulations on the new gig, Sars! It’s a lovely first column. At the risk of being ungracious (to say nothing of adding to my record of focusing on the wrong thing), can we employ the good offices of the ‘Nation to have a word on behalf of Our Friend English with the Brooklyn Writers Space? Because “playwright’s” as a plural is making my chest hurt.
It sounds like a very cool space, though.
Man, that first letter is totally me. I am a freelance writer who is “living the dream” of being able to do what I want with my time. But I miss being part of a team and working on things with other people. I miss being able to turn to someone and say, “Does this sentence sound hinky?” I also moved recently, so I’m still in the process of making friends, trying new activities, etc. and I can’t afford to rent office space just yet. I have housemates, but they are the type who shut themselves in their room as soon as they’re home. So, I get very very lonely during the day and sometimes that melancholy affects my work. My solution has been to go to the library, but there are times when I have to take phone calls and I can’t really be in a place that requires so much quiet. So if anyone knows of any freelance groups in Washington DC, please let me know.
@Meagen, glad to know I’m not the only one in that situation. I’ve tried the library as a solution too, and it doesn’t work for my client projects because of the phone calls (although it does work when I’m basically avoiding a writing deadline!) When I moved to my part of London, I signed up for writing classes at various places and gradually I’ve built up enough writer friends that I’m part of two small groups that meet once a month each. We meet in cafes and it doesn’t cost us anything apart from the price of a coffee. Maybe that would work for you? Good luck finding some like-minded colleagues/writers/housemates.
Tanya, I was in a long distance relationship (very long distance – Australia/North America) for more than 6 years before the logistics worked out for us to be together this year. It can be done!