Sars,

I am looking for some cat advice. I thought who else could I turn to but
you?

About one month ago I moved into a condo with a roommate.We both have
cats. Both are fixed and we both adopted them from separate shelters at four
weeks old.The cats both came from homes with dogs, hers a big brown lab,
mine a Yorkie and Maltese.

She has a longhair female (Izzy) about one and a half years old, with no
claws.Izzy is only nice to my roommate and her father.She will not let
ANYONE ELSE near her.

I have a almost two-year-old male (Sal) with no front claws.He is the most
affectionate cat I have ever met.He will rarely refuse a petting and loves
to be held.

Throughout my life I have had a couple of cats.I have never had two cats
at the same time.When I came to learn she was bringing her cat into the
situation, I asked a couple people and started to read around for how to
introduce them.

I was told that when I bring them in the house, keep them in separate rooms
for a while, and let them get used to their surroundings.Then after a
couple of days let them meet gradually for small amounts of time, and then
build it up to full-time.We also put some of their items in each other’s
room for them to get used to the other’s scent.

We did that.The first couple of days was fine.They would smell each
other grumble and run away.

Then Izzy started swatting at Sal, hiss and growl anytime he was even near
her.

The second week they seemed fine.They would run and chase each other and
we were rarely hearing any growls or meows.

Now Sal has become more dominant, instigating Izzy to growl and swat at him.Occasionally it appears that they are playing.And when Izzy and her mom
are in their room sleeping with the door closed, Sal will sit outside and cry
like her wants her to come out.

Izzy has since developed a rash on her stomach.Of course Sal is being
blamed for stressing her out.But I feel they are equally to blame for the
way they are both behaving.I am thinking/hoping that soon they will be
fine.I definitely see potential!

When I get home from work, I usually find them both sleeping on separate
pieces of furniture, so I know they are not fighting constantly.

I guess my questions are, have you had much experience with introducing
young adult cats?Do you know where we might have went wrong with this?
Can you suggest anything else?Is it possible they could NEVER get along?

I would appreciate any advice!

Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Dear Can’t,

The bad news is that, since Little Joe came to live with us three years ago, not much has changed as far as the squabbling and fuffling goes — but it’s also the good news, because while he and Hobey do get into several fights a day, it’s not blood-sport fighting, and it doesn’t go on when I’m not around.(Evidently, when they visit the kennel, they share a large cage for several days and don’t argue at all.)

So, no, I don’t think Izzy and Sal will learn to love each other and to sleep in a big pile on one chair; the way it is now is about as good as it’s going to get.Normally, I advise you to just let them alone, breaking up the more serious hissyfits, but if Izzy has a rash, your roommate should take her to the vet and rule out physical causes for it before blaming Sal.

If the rash does come from stress, each of you needs to pay more attention to your cat one-on-one, to let the cats feel secure and loved so that it’s less likely they’ll go Serengeti on each other to prove dominance.

But don’t immediately assume that it’s not working out.It is.My cats don’t really like each other in the traditional sense, but they like having another cat around; sometimes it takes time for the benefits of that to become apparent.

So I am currently in a year-plus relationship with a man, “John,” who I love
very much.He treats me well, better than I could have imagined, and he is
the first actually nice guy I have ever been attracted to, which may be part
of the problem.

Lately, I have been pulling back from him.I assumed that we were entering
that phase of our relationship where everything is not so warm and fuzzy, as
initial crushes blind us to the vagaries of real life…yeah, you know the
drill.So even though he was annoying me slightly, I decided to persevere
through it.I love John, and more than that, have envisioned a future with
him and know he envisions one with me.

Well, here’s the problem.There’s this guy who works at my office, “Dave,”
who is extremely physically attractive…and knows it…and uses it.In
April, at our office party, I didn’t drink, but Dave got extremely trashed and
was hitting on me most of the night, not touching me in forbidden areas or
overly propositioning me, but being obviously aggressive and making me
uncomfortable.He is always the type of incredibly flirty man who will use
any excuse to touch a girl (although not overstepping the bounds of
propriety).

So when he was drunk, I pushed him away when he got too close and became very
stiff and uncomfortable, but I found myself desperately attracted to him for
the first time. (I mean, I always knew what he looked like, but for some
reason this opened the floodgates, if you will.)This attraction and his
overt flirtation did not abate in the ensuing month, and I am fairly sure it
will not, because a) flirting is like breathing for him, b) I am the only
pretty woman at the office that he has not yet slept with, and c) our jobs
require that we work in close proximity.

My attraction to Dave, I think, is aggravating my problems with John. Dave is
the first man I have found attractive (going beyond the aesthetic into the
sexual) since I began my relationship with John.I have always had a healthy
sex life with John, but John is just not as physically perfect as Dave, and
lately his flaws seem to be magnified…you know how the Asshole Hot Guy
always makes the Nice Guy seem boring.

I am not planning to break up with John in pursuit of a (brief) fling with
Dave…that would be incredibly foolish, and probably a fun-filled road to
gonorrhea.Rather, my question is: Should I quit my job due to this
distraction at work, or is this more of a relationship issue I should attempt
to work out with John?This is a good, stable job in a fairly informal work
environment, which I enjoy, and the pay is better than I would get anywhere
else.Still, John is more important to me, and if the job is dooming my
relationship, I will quit it.Would giving it time help, or will that just
make matters worse?

Sincerely,
Alias

Dear Alias,

It’s a relationship issue you should attempt to work out with yourself, actually.When the Asshole Hot Guy makes the Nice Guy seem boring, it’s generally an issue with the person doing the comparing, if that makes any sense.I mean, Dave overstepped his bounds flirtation-wise, and yet that made you feel more attracted to him — why?Because you wanted his approval?Because it’s something you don’t get from John?I don’t know the answer; I ask because you should ask yourself what’s going on there.

Quitting your job is a little dramatic as a solution; just decide for yourself that Dave isn’t an option, and behave accordingly.Take the time to look at the situation and figure out why you react to him the way you do — what’s going on with you, and between you and John, that might contribute to that reaction.And understand that sexual attraction is not weather.It is in fact possible to feel an attraction for another person, but to resist it and focus on other things.If that’s what you want to do, do it.He’s a person, not a tractor beam.

Hey, I’m hoping you could help me out.I’ve been co-opted into reading
this extensive document for my boss in hopes of my proving to be
somewhat helpful as an editor.Now, my boss isn’t a native speaker, but
in many ways his punctuation is better than mine, because it seems he’s
mastered the arts of the colon and knows more than one use for the
semi-colon, but my question is about commas.He tends to use them in
unmatched pairs, which is fine for adjectives, I know, but that’s where
my knowledge runs out.

In the sentence (sentence changed to protect content), “Some
people have small, but visible birthmarks,” “visible” is an adjective.
But doesn’t the “but” make it a phrase that has to be corralled by
commas?

Thanks so much,
Seeing Commas in my Sleep

Dear Sleep,

You do need a second comma after “visible” — “but” is an appositive prompt (I know, but just go with it) signalling that the entire phrase is modifying “small birthmarks.”

Whether your boss will find that convincing, I don’t know, but you need two commas there — or, more colloquially, none, but I’d go with two.

Dear Sars,

I have a family problem that I can’t sort out for myself and I would appreciate your most excellent advice.

My sister smokes a lot of pot, as does her boyfriend and father of her child, my nephew. And when I say “a lot,” I mean that there is not a single minute of the day that they are straight.

This isn’t the problem, however, since I am an occaisional toker; though I feel they may be overdoing things, who am I to dictate how she lives her life. The problem is my sister’s relationship with my dad. He doesn’t know that she smokes. Not really an issue until it comes time for him to visit. My dad lives about an hour away by car and drives up to see us every two weeks or so. He always stops by to see me first, and takes me shopping for morning tea to take to my sister’s house.

Here’s the problem. Her house always smells like pot, and she won’t let him in, always coming up with an excuse like “I’m sleeping,” or “We’re about to go out, sorry.” Then for the entire trip back to my house he complains to me. Blah blah blah I want to see my daughter-cakes. Fair enough in my books.

But it happens every single time. Even when my dad calls first to say that he’s coming to see her. And this was also an issue a while ago, when they told him the only day they had available to see him was Monday. Which may be okay for some, but my dad is a nurse and works shifts. Rarely does he get a Monday off.

I love seeing my dad, but he’s always, always complaining about my sister. I don’t know what to do. I have a seven-year-old son, am in my third year at uni, and I live alone struggling to pay bills and the such. The stress, yeah…I already have enough of that, thank you.

I’ve tried to be patient with them, but I tend to just roll my eyes and nod whenever the complaining starts. I don’t want to have to deal with the same argument every fortnight. I make excuses for my sister, like how she’s probably up all night with the baby and is tired, et cetera.I’ve tried to tell my sister that he just wants to see her, but she won’t do anything to change things, and she can’t just tell our dad she smokes because he is really straitlaced and conservative. Please tell me what to do.

Stuck in the middle

Dear Stuck,

Tell your dad once and for all that you do not want to hear it about your sister anymore.You appreciate his position, you sympathize, but you have your own stress to deal with, and he needs to take it up with her directly.If he starts in, remind him that you asked him not to put it on you and change the subject; cut the visit short if necessary.

And you might speak to your sister about the constant smoking.Argue all you want for the benevolence of pot, but “perennially stoned” is a bad parenting strategy, and I think the fact that she doesn’t want your dad in the house suggests that she knows it.You don’t have to lecture her; just point out that it’s interfering with her ability to spend time with family, and she might consider cutting down.Way, way down, because…duh.An occasional toke is fine; she’s a mom, not dead.All the time?Not a smart call.

Hi Sars —

The current ad campaign for Nestlé Crunch is driving me into
splutter-and-spit-at-the-TV-screen madness. It’s not their use of big dumb
Shaquille O’Neill; it’s their “You Decide How We Say It” voting promotion.

I’ve always believed that the letter “a” in the middle of the word
“caramel” indicates it’s correctly pronounced “CARE-A-MEL,” with three
syllables. The two-syllable “CAR-MEL,” to me, sounds like a lazy
bastardization. Frankly, it bugs me. It seems Just Plain Wrong.

But now here’s Nestlé Crunch, leaving the pronunciation fate of said word
in the hands of anyone with nothing better to do than visit their annoying
website. (Like me, apparently.) What the hell? We’re just voting to
pronounce words however we want now? What’s next — “nuclear” vs.
“nucular”?

So, before I burst a blood vessel, please tell me. Am I being too rigid?
Is “CAR-MEL” a perfectly acceptable regionalism? Is it a sign of the ongoing
evolution of the English language? Or is it freaking WRONG?

Signed,
I Voted!

Dear Thanks For Making Me Feel Better About Voting In That M&M Thing,

Good question.I suspect that “care-a-mell” is correct, although I grew up hearing “car-mull” in New Jersey and use the variant “care-a-mull” myself (it’s a Mid-Atlantic-state thing).Let’s look it up.

Oh, dear.”Car-mull” is the first pronunciation listed, which implies that it’s dominant, if not preferred.I checked Allan Metcalf’s How We Talk to see if he had a listing for it, but he doesn’t.

I think it’s just a regionalism, like leaving the first “r” out of “quarter” so it sounds like “kwa-ter.”If it makes you feel any better, “care-a-mell” is up six percentage points as of this writing.

[10/28/03]

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