After reading The Vine today I needed a cigarette real bad because Living on the Hellmouth’s problem and your response hit really close to home.

J’s problems are much like my own, except I’m on the other side of the intervention. I know only too well (or not at all, as I’ll soon explain) what happens.

Before, my life was like the set of an independent film, where unexpected changes were simply incorporated into the script in my mind. Someone would say something about a comment I had absolutely no memory of making –- sometimes one I totally disagreed with. People like J and I have no objective view of ourselves. When J says that he is “functionally schizophrenic” or possesses “superior DNA,” don’t just take it with a grain of salt. He has no idea who he is other than the hero of his own movie.

Is he dangerous? I don’t know, but enough of us are that I say don’t even ask. He needs a serious wake-up call! One that only the most drastic action can provide.

He needs real help, from real professionals. This isn’t a job for his friends or family. This requires a hospital, and skills that only a trained psychotherapist has. Sometimes the problem is genetic, in which case there is treatment; sometimes it’s a defense mechanism caused by abuse that has to be exposed and treated.

You were absolutely right, though. None of this is the problem of Living on the Hellmouth. Her only job is to protect herself! My first clue came when an ex-girlfriend and many of our mutual friends cut me out of their lives. It hurt a lot, and for the first time I started to wonder if others saw me the same way I saw myself.

Her other job is to make sure those around her understand how serious this is. To that end, being vague or objective only helps J defend himself. He’s been deluding himself for years, so it’s easy for him to delude others unless you have specific and unbiased proof of his problem. The more people you can convince, the greater the jolt that might finally open his mind to the idea that he needs help.

I haven’t seen any of those friends for several years, and that’s okay. I know why they did what they had to do. For my sake, but mostly for theirs. I have no sympathy for J. Not until him and I are on the same side.

Good luck and thank you.

TB

Sars —

I just finished reading your Vine column for today, and the second letter (from Living on the Hellmouth) really struck a nerve. Last year, I was living in an apartment with a friend from college. My best friend, a guy I’ll call “Buffalo,” lived right around the corner from us with another of our friends. We (along with a bunch of other people from our dorm days) all hung out constantly. Our doors were always open, and people pretty much came and went as they pleased. Buffalo had always been a little bit different, but then again, we were all pretty weird people. He fit right in.

But around April, we started noticing little changes. Buffalo started talking about weirder and weirder stuff, like breaking down people’s names into numbers and assigning them values (good and evil). But, well, everybody drank and smoked pot, so most of the time it just got ignored. Buffalo had also had a serious crush on one of my ex-roommates (I’ll call her “Twiggy”), one which was not reciprocated in the slightest. His behavior became so erratic that we started locking our doors, to keep him from walking into our rooms in the middle of the night to talk about God and his “manifesto.” Most of our friends gave Buffalo the cut direct, and would not enter the apartment if he was there. Twiggy stopped calling us, and eventually moved back to her parents’ house to avoid him.

It all came to a head when Buffalo disappeared for a few days. He had been sleeping in in his car outside Twiggy’s former apartment, wandering around town, shoeless and disoriented, and had been arrested for drunk and disorderly when he hadn’t been drinking at all. At some point, he had broken into a car he thought was his and taken a real estate folder, which contained a picture of a house he told everyone that he and Twiggy were buying. When he finally turned up outside my workplace, a few of our friends brought him home to my place and we called his family. He was committed for a few days, started taking some very heavy-duty medication, and moved back home. I’ve only seen him once since then, but apparently he harbors a great deal of resentment toward me and our (former) friends.

Now, by this point, you’re probably wondering why I’ve written. Hell, I barely even know what my point is! Well, first of all, I really needed to get this off my chest (and I’ve only given you the bare bones). I haven’t spoken to anyone about any of this since it happened, and I still cry when I think about it. But basically, the letter from Living is so heartbreakingly familiar, I am actually wondering if it is the same guy. The behavior (especially the sarcastic clapping and the language) is almost identical to my best friend’s behavior. And the fixation on the unattainable girl sounds exactly like Buffalo. Even the situation with the three guys being friends since junior high, and X. not really knowing about the crazy behavior, fits my friend.

Having lived through this myself (although not quite to the same degree as she), I know how incredibly difficult the situation is. Your advice is right on the money about moving out and cutting him off, but I would like to ask her to appeal to her boyfriend and X. about calling his family for help. Even if this isn’t the same guy, he deserves to get some help, and letting his friends (especially old and close friends) know how much of a problem he has is pretty much the only option. I totally understand if Living doesn’t give a shit about J. anymore, but I literally had my heart broken in the same kind of situation, and I’d hate for someone so much like Buffalo to slip through the cracks. I still miss my best friend and wish someone had recognized the signs long before I did.

L

Dear TB and L,

Thanks so much for writing in.

I wanted to emphasize more strongly that J. is ill and needs professional help in my initial response, but I felt that, given Living’s concerns, I should focus primarily on what she could do to ensure her own safety and peace of mind.There’s a difference between “jackass” and “mentally ill,” but if you live with the behavior day in and day out, it’s hard to make that difference out.

What I know about schizophrenia wouldn’t fill a thimble — try here for more information — but if you find yourselves in a bind like Living’s, protect yourself first, and then notify whomever you need to to get your friend the help he needs: other friends, his parents, the campus health center, whatever.

Dear Sars,

Sorry for such a long story… I tried to keep it as
concise as possible. There is a question at the end,
believe it or not.

March 2001: I put a personal ad online, and got a few
responses. One response was from a very sweet grad
student (let’s call him “Anthony”). We sent a few emails
back and forth, and it was obvious he was the kind of
guy I was looking for…educated, intelligent, funny,
sweet, the whole nine yards.

April 2001: Anthony stopped sending emails. After a
couple weeks, I figured he had become buried in his
thesis, so I sent him the occasional “how I’m doing”
message, but didn’t expect to hear from him again. At
the end of April, I hooked up with a friend of friends
(“Marc”), and the relationship got pretty serious.

August 2001: Out of the blue, I got an email from
Anthony. It was essentially a love letter; he wrote
that he’d seen my online profile where I mentioned
“driving my boyfriend nuts,” and he wished me all the
best, but he just wanted to tell me how he felt about
me. At the time I thought this was immensely
flattering, and we started chatting online almost
every day. In mid-August, we met in person, fireworks
went off, and I dumped Marc. Marc cried, I gave in,
and I flip-flopped back and forth between the two guys
for a week or two. When the dust cleared, I was back
with Marc (less because I wanted to be and more
because I was afraid he was going to hurt himself
otherwise), and Anthony had quietly taken a “friend”
role.

January 2002: I dumped Marc for the last time
(huzzah!) and started seeing Anthony. After a few
“dates,” he told me that he was seeing someone else.
He implied (or perhaps I was naive enough to infer?)
that his feelings for her weren’t strong and that he
would dump her in a second…if they weren’t living
together. My heart was broken, yadda yadda yadda, I
went home and cried for a few days.

February 2002: Perhaps because I wanted to believe
that Anthony was my Prince Charming, I started talking
to him again. I figured if he wanted to be with me, he
would work things out, and if not…at least I could
talk to this guy who, when he wasn’t breaking my
heart, made me very happy. We spent a few days
together and had a blast.

April 2002: We tried to get together three times (once
for a movie, once for dinner, and once for a concert),
but each time something came up (food poisoning, work,
and his grandmother having a stroke, respectively). I
got sick of not seeing him, so late one night when we
were chatting, I suggested I drive down (he lived an
hour away) and visit for a few hours. I ended up
spending the night, and what a wonderful night it was.
The next morning, he went to work, I went home, and I
expected to hear from him within a day or two.

May 2002: For over a month, I waited to hear from him.
I sent him emails every other day or so, left the
occasional note on his car (“talk to me!”), and
wondered what the deal was. Eventually I drove down,
found him at work, and asked him why I hadn’t heard
from him. He said he “c[ould]n’t deal with anything
more in [his] life.” I nodded, hugged him, and left.

Here’s the question: Have I been a fool? I have very
little experience with relationships, and I’m
wondering if my naivete made me see this guy as better
than he was. I would still do just about anything for
the chance to spend my life with him, but something in
the back of my mind is telling me I shouldn’t feel
this way. What do you think?

Confuggled in Connecticut

Dear CT,

Well…yes.You have been a fool.Now get in line with the rest of us.

I can’t tell you why you kept giving Anthony rope and letting him hang you with it — maybe the boost your self-esteem got when he paid attention to you outweighed the hits it took when he didn’t, maybe hope (or hormones) didn’t let you see clearly.It’s hard for me to say.I can tell you that Anthony doesn’t know what he wants, and that he exploited the same quality in you.

But, you know, that shit happens.People get confused and don’t act right, and you want them to get it together, so you keep giving them chances — that’s just the way it goes, and yeah, I suppose it makes you foolish, but foolishness in matters of the heart doesn’t make you stupid or a bad person.It just…is.

That same foolishness can lead to great happiness, but in this case, I think you’d better write Anthony off as a learning experience and move on.

Hey Sars,

I got into a relationship about eight months ago, and he is a great
boy. Everything is sunshine and lollipops and whatnot. However (there
had to be a however), this is the first serious relationship that I have
been in, and I have a few insecurity issues involving his ex.

He was with
her for five years, and she broke up with him. He was heartbroken. A year
passed before we started going out. He has never given me a reason to
feel as though I should be insecure, but it feels like there is so much
of him that I don’t know. Having never had such a history with a person,
it seems hard to think that he can walk away from it and not still feel
things. Is it normal to wonder about your man’s ex? Will these feelings
go away?

Not into threesomes

Dear Not,

Everyone has a past.Everyone has little pieces of their hearts that belong to other people, people they knew before you.There’s nothing you can do about it, and worrying it like a bone won’t do anything but make you miserable.

It’s perfectly natural to feel insecure about your SO’s ex(es), but you have to acknowledge the feeling, give yourself five minutes to obsess about it, then get over it and move on.Trust the boy to give his full attention to you, and if you feel he’s not doing that, dump him, but don’t spend any more time than necessary brooding over your predecessors.

[10/29/02]

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