Sars,

Okay, this situation sucks!Deep breath.I have been with my boyfriend,
let’s call him “First-Time Home Buyer,” for two and a half years, living
together for two.We currently reside in an apartment provided by my
employer for a ridiculously low rate, and split the rent in half.He makes
twice as much us I do.The housing is provided for employees because we
really don’t make that much, but the company kicks ass, and I think FTHB’s
gotten pretty damn lucky with the whole arrangement.Our initial intention
was to live there and save money to buy a house.Well, a fixer-upper (read:
Atomic Bomb Testing Site) appeared on the market.I have less than
desirable credit, and it turned out that to put me on the mortgage would
only cost more.Higher interest rates, high risk insurance, blah dee blah.
(I’m still paying for beers I drank six years ago in college…*TWITCHING
WITH GUILT*)In the end, FTHB was approved for the loan on his own.There are
currently renters in there, and we are scheduled to move in two months.

FTHB and I are not married.I’ve always assumed we would be, but I’ve got
this gut-wrenching feeling about the house.I suggested we draw up a
contract and each have an attorney look it over.My interests are
protected.I’m no dope.My parents divorced after twenty-five years of
marriage.Breaking up is ugly.Nobody wants to think it will happen, but
what if it does?He seems to think that a contract and all the legal fees
would be a “pain in the ass.”I’m thinking, this kind of thing goes on all
the time. It can’t be too expensive, and must be fairly common to have
unmarried people buying houses in bizarro circumstances.

I refused to put any money down on the deal, if we weren’t going to protect
me legally.He said when we move in, he won’t make me pay any more than I do
now.Okay, but now I live in a nice cute apartment, and this house needs
huge amounts of love, wet sloppy kisses, and drywall.It will be a mess for
a while, which is something I’d be willing to live with if it were M-I-N-E.
And the whole dynamics of “won’t make me pay…” seem kind of fucked up to
me after being together for two and half years.I’m nervous about losing my
spot in employee housing.My room will be snatched up minutes after I
leave.

He’s not a complete jerk.I love him.He’s my best friend.We watch Law &
Order marathons, he repots my plants for me just to be nice, and he
absolutely adores me.His friends, family, and co-workers all say so.
Let’s just say, and I’m sure you know, I wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t
the bee’s knees in every other sense.

Am I way off-base here feeling entitled to this house?Do I sound like I’m
out to get his money?This is a touchy subject for me because a) I feel
really guilty about my credit, but fixing it will take time, and b) I tend
to wrinkle my nose and do my independent dance when I’m feeling too
traditional.Does that make sense?I can take care of my damn self, but
isn’t part of a relationship about taking care of and wanting the best for
each other?Am I a feminist’s nightmare?

If I don’t move in with him, can a relationship move backwards and then
forward again?We have furniture, and a dog, and a cat, and fish.It’ll
be messy.And I have a tendency to walk away and never look back.Is this
worth ending a relationship that would probably end in marriage, rugrats,
and a remodeled Atomic Bomb Museum with a white picket fence?Do I
deserve a verbal ass-whoopin’ or kudos?

Thank you.You rule…love the cat tales.

Broken Home Sweet Home

Dear Broken,

Let me get this straight.You want a legal guarantee that “half” the house is yours, even though you can’t contribute your half financially at the moment.FTHB has basically offered to carry you.What’s the problem?

I mean, I know what’s the problem — you don’t want to live under plastic tarps for a year, and you don’t want to live in a place that, strictly speaking, you can’t afford.So, don’t.Don’t move in.But if that’s not an option relationship-wise, draw up an informal thing that you both sign stating that you get sweat equity in the house, or a certain percentage based on what you pitch in each month, whatever.Get it notarized, throw it in a safety deposit box, and get on with your life.

Things don’t always split exactly down the middle.If that fact gives you an itch, talk to FTHB about it.Tell him how much it worries you that the relationship might end and leave you with no stake; tell him you keep thinking about your parents’ divorce and your credit rating and the smell of epoxy resin and wondering if it’s a good idea for you to move into the house with him.

But if you can’t change your money situation and you want to continue living with FTHB, you’re going to have to take some help.It’s not about feminism.It’s about reality.

Sars,

My husband and I have been having problems since, oh, pretty much since a
few months after the wedding.(We got married four years ago.)We used to
be so close, talked about everything, had open communications about all
issues, and had lots of great sex all the time.Then I got pregnant and had
an abortion about three months into the marriage, and things have gone
downhill from there.(I’m what I call “sorta pro-life.”I believe life
begins at conception, but I don’t believe a woman shouldn’t have control
over what happens to her body, and me having a kid would have been a BAD
idea — we had no money, I’m not prepared for parenthood, et cetera.)He didn’t
share my opinion about life beginning at conception, so he wasn’t as crushed
as I was, but he was supportive — meaning, he didn’t pressure me, went with
me, and offered me comfort afterwards.

I grieved for a long time, however;
I quit my job and pretty much sat around being miserable for many months,
and I was jobless longer than I should have been.We fought a lot.He
eventually started hiding things from me (an expensive porn habit, expensive
electronic purchases, and possibly an affair, though I’m not certain of
that).

Then we separated for a short time (his idea), during which we both tried to
get our heads on straight about being honest and responsible.I got a new
job, he moved back in with me, and we thought things would be cool again,
with the communicating and the having of the sex.

But things started going south again.For about two years, I’ve been asking
Hubby to occasionally “make love” to me instead of the rough, kinky sex he’s
gotten used to.(I’m the one who got him into it in the first place, so
it’s a little bit my fault.)He won’t do it.He never shows me any
tenderness at all, even on my birthday when I really would have liked to
have some nice, gentle lovemaking.And I’m not one of these women who hints
around and expects the guy to “just know” what I want — I’ve been very
specific, as in, “I would like you to make love to me.Nice, sweet stuff.
Show me some tenderness, please?I like the other stuff too, just NOT EVERY
TIME.”Hell, I’d settle for a couple of evenings a month of nonsexual
tenderness — holding me, telling me how much he loves me, all those great,
sweet things he used to do.When I bluntly asked why he won’t do this (and
I asked over and over and over), he didn’t answer.He said he didn’t know.
The hell?Even if the answer is, “I just don’t like it that way anymore,”
or “I don’t find you as attractive since you gained all that weight,” at
least it would be an answer.

In addition to this ongoing frustration for me, I quit my job again.I’d
worked there for over a year, getting almost no money and suffering constant
abuse from my bosses and subordinates.I’ve been looking for another job
for the past couple of months, and we’ve been getting by on Hubby’s
reasonably nice salary (and we did discuss my quitting beforehand, and he
agreed to it).

Hubby is now using my unemployment as an excuse for everything I don’t like
about his behavior.We haven’t had any sex at all for over a month, and
it’s pretty obvious to me that it’s a passive-aggressive stunt.He says
he’s under too much stress and pressure with our funds being tight, whereas
I say, “Bullshit, you were withholding affection even when I DID have a
job.”Plus, I’ve caught him jerking off, so I know he’s not having trouble
getting it up.

He constantly complains of headaches, sinus problems, and other body aches,
all good reasons to avoid spending time with your wife (and again, this
started before I quit my last job, so me being unemployed?Not flying as an
excuse).Every suggestion I’ve made to help him feel better (from getting
some exercise to actually SEEING A DOCTOR), he ignores.When he comes home
from work, he has to “unwind” by playing computer games until bedtime.When
he gets up, he has to spend all his waking moments until work time playing
computer games.

I’ve begged him to get counseling with me, which we should have done long
ago, and he refuses.”We can’t afford it on just ONE income,” he pointedly
claims.I say, “Some places might have a sliding scale, there is no reason
not to at least LOOK INTO IT,” and he shrugs.I’ve tried backing off with
all this for periods of time and hoping that that’ll make him feel less
cornered, but it doesn’t help.

I have now told him, in so many words, that if his indifference towards me
continues, I will leave him.Affection is non-negotiable; I won’t be with
someone who refuses to give it to me.If I’m married to someone, I want him
to be a husband, not a platonic roommate.At first he seemed genuinely
upset and afraid that I was serious about leaving him, but now it’s like the
threat was never made.Maybe the ultimatum was a mistake — he’ll probably
just go ahead and let it happen at this point.(Often, when something needs
to get done and I remind or nag him to do it, he acts like a five-year-old
and deliberately “forgets,” even if it’s something crucial like paying a
bill or car insurance.)

I still love him, and I still tell him so all the time (and he still tells
me the same).I know I can’t make him change, but I’m having a hard time
accepting that our marriage may really be over.Since I’m still unemployed,
leaving him right now isn’t an option since I have nowhere to go, no family,
no reliable friends who can put me up.The lease on our apartment is up in
six months, and I figure I’ll have a job and some cash saved up by then to
get my own place.

My question is this: Do you think there’s anything I can do in the coming
six months to provide any hope at all for this marriage?I’ve decided to at
least get counseling for myself (I’m REALLY depressed these days), if I can
find an affordable shrink, and getting a job will help too.But it hurts so
much to be living and sharing a bed with this man who used to demonstrably
adore me so much, now finding me less interesting than CGI monsters on his
PC.I’m afraid I know the answer, but I guess I need to hear it from a
third party for it to sink in.

Thanks again,
Lonely Wife

Dear Lonely,

There really isn’t.Find affordable counselling for yourself, look as hard as you can for a job, take the first decent-paying one you can stand, and get out of there.And tell him that that’s your plan.

Don’t tell him in a nasty way, and don’t tell him as a means to getting his attention — it’s past that point.Tell him as a courtesy.You still love him, but it’s just not working, for either of you, so you’ll get work and move out and the two of you will take it from there.He’ll believe you or he won’t, he’ll try to talk you out of it or he won’t, but don’t say it hoping for one reaction or the other; say it to warn him, and then do it no matter what the reaction.

The meantime is going to suck, and then the time after that is going to suck too, for a while, but you’ve spent more than enough time making excuses for the state of the marriage and hoping external factors will make a difference, and when you start throwing good time after bad, it’s time to say “enough” and end it.And believe me, I completely empathize with the instinct to keep trying — you just don’t want to admit that things could get this bad and not get better, that he really is that apathetic and unwilling to change, that your happiness doesn’t really matter to a person you love, or it doesn’t matter enough.But that’s how it goes sometimes, and it’s hard to know when to give up and make your happiness matter to yourself, but in your case, I think “when” has arrived and put its feet up on the coffee table.

The marriage is, functionally, already over.Acknowledge that, and start taking the difficult steps necessary to get out of it.

Sars —

Here’s my situation. I have been with my husband for
10 years. Our relationship has not been perfect, but
it had been decent up until about a year ago.

Since that time, we seem to have drifted apart. I
don’t
feel like we want the same things out of life. Our sex
life sucks, we don’t communicate very well, and I
really feel like he does not enjoy spending time
with me. We’ve talked about this. The conversations
lead nowhere. He says he’s looking for fun and
excitement. He’s a very friendly guy who enjoys
drinking and hanging out in large groups. I’m more on
the reserved side. Since I turned 30, I’m not so much
into the partying scene. I’m looking for companionship
and a person who listens and gives a shit about what
I have to say. I don’t feel like I get any of that
from my marriage.

A few months ago, he met a couple, Super Duo, that
have
a lot of the same interests that we do. They are in
their early twenties. He’s 33. Every weekend has become an outing with these two. I’ve gone along on a few
occasions and felt like the odd man out. They are just
so young. I don’t feel like I have much to talk to
them
about.

I don’t want to spend time with these people,
but
my husband has decided they are his new best friends.
Since I don’t enjoy hanging out with the Super Duo,
I’ve
decided to just do my own thing and not go along with
them at all. The problem is that this means that I
don’t
ever see my husband. Since our relationship is so
rocky,
I feel like we could use at least a little one-on-one
time. The other problem is that I keep turning down my husband’s invitations to join the group. So, I feel
like the wet blanket.

I could really use your advice.
Am I being unreasonable? How should I handle this
situation without further damaging an already
splintered
relationship?

Thanks,
The Ball and Chain

Dear Ball,

Have you suggested a compromise to your husband — you’ll hang out with him and Super Duo now and then, and he’ll spend a night with just you now and then?Neither of you wants to do what the other wants to do, particularly, but making that effort for each other might help.As it is, the two of you lead almost separate lives, and at least one of you needs to try to cross the streams.

Even if your husband doesn’t go for the compromise, try hanging out with the other three a little more often.I know it sounds kind of old-school-Seventeen “take an interest in his interests,” but if he’d written to me, I’d say the same thing to him — the current “you go your way and I’ll go mine” arrangement isn’t working for you, so you need to do things differently for a little while and see if spending more time together and doing more of the same things helps.

If it doesn’t, well, it doesn’t, and I would suggest couples counselling anyway, just to see where the sudden drift came from after ten years; if the two of you have developed a fundamental difference in social styles and neither of you is really willing to bend on it, well, it’s a bigger problem than the Super Duo.But before you draw any big conclusions, ask him if you can’t try seeing how the other half lives a couple nights a week.

Dear Sars,

I have a family problem.My mother’s younger sister died when she was very young, and I don’t know how.I remember asking Mom about it years ago, and she got upset and told me that I already knew, and that she didn’t like to talk about it.I understand that it is painful to discuss it, but I don’t know how she died, and my curiosity has come back recently.Since Mom doesn’t really have too much of an issue discussing her father’s death from cancer when she was much younger, I am guessing that the deal with her sister must have been an especially tragic one.

To make matters worse, I have an idea that has been floating around in my brain for years, which I have brushed off for a long time because it is just too bizarre — I must have made it up.I have a feeling, and again, I don’t know where this came from, that she was somehow (accidentally?) shot by my mother’s stepfather.My grandmother had remarried after her first husband died, but he disappeared (they either divorced or he passed away) long before I was born.I am 18 years old, and I would think that my mother’s sister or stepfather would have been mentioned at least once or twice, but nobody in the family really speaks of either.

I really want to know what happened.I hate being in the dark about these things, but I also feel that it must be really painful for my family if no one wants to discuss it, and I don’t want to press anyone.Still, I have done a little research into the matter, and found out some specifics about the death, including the date, location (which was not the city where she lived), and the exact age of Mom’s sister at the time.I have also contacted the archivist at a local newspaper, where I can get a copy of the original obituary.My issue is, do I continue my search or do I let it go? I hate the idea of playing detective and snooping around in my mother’s past behind her back, but also, she thinks that I already know what happened, so what is the harm in really finding out?I need the advice of an objective adult.I can’t ask my father, because I know he would tell me to ask Mom, and that would be uncomfortable for me and probably painful for her.I’m sorry about the length of this letter! The story is kind of convoluted!

Thanks for your help,
Who do I think I am, Nancy Drew?

Dear Nancy,

I would actually ask your dad first; if/when he tells you to ask your mom, tell him you tried, but she got upset and said you already knew all about it, which you don’t.And you would like to, but you don’t want to bring it up again and make her sad, so could he help you out?

If that doesn’t work, I would go ahead and get the obit — although it bears pointing out that I am the nosiest nose who ever nosed, so finding out that an ancestor of mine died in a spectacularly gory and Darwin-Awardsian mill accident was a fairly large thrill in my young life.But enough about me.As you point out, your mom does think you already know the story, so taking steps to actually know it isn’t out of bounds, I don’t think.

My one caution is to prepare yourself for what might happen if your mom finds out you did research on your own, and freaks out.I don’t mean for you to make up a lie or anything; I think you have a right to know what happened, especially since it obviously affected your mom so deeply, you care about her, it’s your family too and so on.But it’s not impossible that she’ll find out and channel her other feelings about what happened into wigging on you.Not that she’s right to do it, but be ready for that.

Howdy from the Texas of Canada, Sars.

I generally tend to have a fairly reasonable relationship with my parents. I call my dad up on the phone when “Cat’s In The Cradle” is playing on the radio and hassle him about not doing stuff with me because we’re both “too busy,” so that’s all fine and dandy, but I sometimes have a hell of a time getting along with my mother.

My mother is a guilt-dispensing martyr. She revels in denying herself any pleasures in life so she can throw that back at my whole family (brother, sister, father, me) and expect some sort of gold medal for living her life at a sub-par level of enjoyment. It’s just not going to happen, and no one can deal with it. She’s too old to expect her children to drop at her feet and worship, because we all have lives now. My brother is in the States doing his PhD in political science. My sister is a registered physiotherapist living with her boyfriend, considering getting married and buying a house. I have a very demanding job and can take care of myself. We’re all doing okay, and my mom may feel left out and not “needed” any more.

Problem: We had a stupid fight about me doing my taxes. It’s been a hectic year for me, and I haven’t been in the position to struggle through them — my job now entitles me to a ton of deductions. I know I should have done them before. Fine. I’m well aware. The way it shakes out, Revenue Canada is going to OWE me money (and a lot, by rudimentary initial calculations — yay!), not the other way around. By all accounts from reliable sources, including accountants and other people who actually work for RC, no one is going to pop out of the woodwork, hold a gun to my head, and force me to do them before the end of the year.

My problem is that I talked about the taxes with my parents, as a general conversation piece when they asked “so what’s going on with your life” — I rolled my eyes and said, “Taxes! Don’t get me started…” and I said they weren’t done yet. My mother then offered to take them to an accountant friend of hers, which so completely didn’t work out, it was laughable. I don’t have all the forms I need, and I need additional information from my employer, et cetera. I asked my mother to back off and let me do them in my own time, because being nagged about them every time I talked to her was getting to me. I can see that she was trying to help, but it wasn’t helping. And don’t get me wrong — I help my parents out, too, a fair deal whenever I can, and consider myself to be a “good daughter.”

My father offered to help me go through them to figure out what I need to get, which was nice, and I was getting around to it this weekend. I go over to their place to sit down with him and do some work on them, and WHAMMO!, my mother stalks into the room and yells at me that “if Revenue Canada comes to drag you off to jail, I’m not going to bail you out!” and I responded as though I’d been attacked (“Good, because I wouldn’t ask you anyway”). It was a short fight, and I believe I was right to defend myself in that situation, especially since I was getting to them THAT DAY. She left the house in a huff, I left the house wounded and angry, and now she won’t speak to me.

That, in itself, I don’t really mind, but it’s stressing my relationship with my dad. My dad is reasonable most of the time. I like to hang out with them sometimes on the weekend when nothing else is going on (besides, they have a great deck to sit on, whereas I only have a tiny, dark porch). My poor dad is stuck in the middle, and I try not to put any pressure on him, but in a way, I feel like I’ll be damned if I’m going to grovel to get back into her “good graces.” They’re MY taxes, and if I want to totally screw them up, then it’s up to me. I could see it if this was the first year I had ever done any work, but this is, like, the fourteenth year I’ve done taxes, and they give me severe anxiety (math anxiety!), and I just plain don’t wanna do ’em. Financially, I’m okay to let them sit, I’m getting by just fine, and my job right now takes up nearly all of my “free time.”

I apologized with sort of a half-assed non-apology apology and extrapolated that due to work stress, I didn’t react well to an attack on what was otherwise prescribed to be a relaxing weekend. She’s really not talking to me, and my father says I’m not “allowed” to come over or call until I apologize. I don’t believe anything I say will be taken well, even if I do apologize and beg forgiveness. I’m not ten, I’m an adult, living my own life, and I feel that this whole thing has been blown waaay out of proportion.

This happens often enough for me to consider it to maybe be the straw that breaks the camel’s back, but I don’t like the consequence that I’ll suffer along with my father. How can I get her to just deal with it? I’m kind of hoping I don’t come off like a whiny bitch or anything, but am I? It’s makin’ me feel guilty and all, and I’d like to do the right thing. Should I just lie, flat-out, and say, “Oh, Mom, I’m soooo sorry, you’re so right, I suck,” and get over it on my own? It irks me to have to do that, but maybe I’m too close to the situation to see what would be the right thing to do.

Big Tax Sissy

Dear Sis,

I think you have to decide how important it is to you to take a stand here.Because your mother is not going to “get it.”She’s going to keep thinking she’s right, and if you don’t apologize, she’ll view that as corroborating evidence and continue to freeze you out.It’s totally unreasonable and totally immature, but she’s not going to change, and apparently your father is not going to try to change her either (also kind of immature, but whatever), so if you want a relationship with your parents, you’ll have to take one for the team.Apologize profusely.Heap coals on your head.Take the blame.

It’s not “fair,” and it seems like it will only enable your mother to pull the same shit again later, and I understand how maddening it is to deal with that kind of person/situation.But how far you take it depends on your parents’ age, and how long you think your mother is going to hold out, and I just think it’s one of those times where you don’t want it to turn into an ongoing feud and then one of them dies and it’s all guilt-ridden and bad.

I mean, if you’ve really had it with your mother, blow her off and your dad too — I don’t know the full history here.But if you want to spend time with either of them in the future, I think you’d better fall on your sword.

[10/29/03]

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