The Vine: October 3, 2000
Dear Wise One,I’m in a real quandary on this one. I love your advice to others and think you’re right on, so I’d love to hear what you think I should do.
Since my last lover and I split three years ago, I’ve just been casually dating and not really pursuing anything. Then six months ago I met Pete at a local pub. We really hit it off, and I started to feel that this could go somewhere. The hitch: he was only in town for two weeks until he headed back to Egypt, where he’s stuck for two years on his job contract. Despite the distance, we’ve gotten along great romantically and as friends. We spent ten fun days in DC when he was stateside recently, and are planning a week in Florida soon. I’ve been thinking I could semi-seriously date this guy when he’s in the country, and if things work out, a more permanent situation might be in order after his contract is up.
All that was well and good until last weekend. I was out with friends having fun when I ran into Michael. Now, I’ve been bumping into Michael for years around town and have always been interested in him and he’s always shown an interest in me. But either I was involved or he was involved or the moon wasn’t right, and we never managed to get together to see if there was anything more than intense chemistry. We spent half the night talking about everything and anything, and then he gave me a ride home. We ended the night with a knee-weakening kiss and plans to get together for a date next weekend.
The obvious question I have is what I should do. Pete and I have no commitment to one another, no understanding about being exclusive, or anything like that. So realistically I don’t feel like there’s any reason I shouldn’t go out with Michael. On the other hand, I think it might be kinda lousy to date Michael locally without Pete’s knowledge, and then be heading out of town to see Pete whenever he’s in the country. I’ve started to care about Pete a lot and would hate to hurt him. But on the third hand, I’m afraid that if I don’t pursue whatever might be with Michael, I might miss my one and only chance at a wonderful thing.
Do I tell Michael I’m kinda seeing someone and stick with Pete? Do I ditch Pete in favor of the local guy? Do I date them both without telling either of them until I have a better feel for things? Do I tell them both about the other and hope they don’t both drop me? Do I just stay my usual indecisive self and wait for the universe to decide for me?
Sign me,
A-Typical-Libra
Dear Libra,
Before I dispense any so-called wisdom here, I’d like to take a moment to acknowledge that, while we “should” all live our lives according to the principle of do-unto-others, our lives don’t always allow such high-mindedness.
Okay – on to the advice. You can do one of two things. You can talk to Pete and clarify where the relationship stands in his mind in re: exclusivity, and you can mention to Michael that you’ve got a casual thing going with someone else. Or you can go ahead and date Michael and see how it pans out, and if it doesn’t, then no harm done, and there’s no need to do any ‘fessing up to either of them.
It’s tempting to tell you to roll the bones with the latter, but here’s the thing – eventually, you’ll have to tell everyone everything, and the longer you wait, the worse it gets. You might as well keep all your cards on the table from the beginning. And since I’m on a roll with the clichés today, here’s another one: a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Tags: boys (and girls)
