Sars oh! unending source of wisdom and mirth,

Looongtime listener, first-time caller. I’d like to lend a little support for my sister Hellspawn. I grew up in fairly strict Protestant household. Very much immersed in the “God hates gays and just about everybody else but us” camp. Just some backup from someone who has done the research. I’m an amateur religions study, and I spent a lot of Sundays bored. Reading the book while ignoring the live show. She might feel buoyed to know that while there is that bit in there about men lying down with men being a no-no, there are also bits about it being okay to stone disobedient children at the city gates, have multiple wives, and live to be 700. I came out of a very strict household, and I remain “down with J.C.” That doesn’t mean I have to hate my fellow man, believe every word of an ancient text that’s been questionably translated, or even…stop cursing like a sailor.

Hellspawn baby, you’re fifteen! I too experienced a similar crisis at your age. Just remember that golden rule stuff, listen to Sars, and you’ll come out okay on the other side, honest. Now…uhh…stay and school, say no to drugs!

Thanks,
Sorry, can you tell I’m a big sister?

Dear Sis,

Right on.It’s not about tallying everyone else’s sins on your official Leviticus Scorecard^TM.

A number of readers also suggested that Hellspawn talk to her pastor about her doubts and questions, which I think is an excellent idea — congregational leaders have experience and training in that kind of spiritual counseling, and Hellspawn could really benefit from that.Others thought Hellspawn might check out other congregations and shop around for one that fits a more liberal spiritual viewpoint.

I don’t know if listening to Sars is a commandment I’d offer, even in jest, but thanks for the compliment anyway…

“And speaking of that, just a quick sidebar here for the record: I know what
the Bible says, and I know I should ‘respect’ the beliefs of others, but the
belief that homosexuality is wrong? Is wrong, and I won’t respect it, or
anyone who holds it. Using the Bible to bolster your pre-existing prejudices
is morally and intellectually corrupt.”

I’m puzzled; how can you so adamantly insist that other people’s beliefs
should be respected, and then turn around and say this? “I’ll respect/tolerate your beliefs, so long as your beliefs are acceptable in my worldview”
doesn’t make one particularly tolerant or accepting, seeing as it’s exactly
what people tend to do by nature. If Spawn chooses to take the kind of
attitude you do above — e.g., calling her friend a “spiritual midget” — I’m
not sure how she’s being any less judgmental than her friend Devout.

Also, for the record — regardless of how other people choose to use the Bible
to justify reprehensible behavior, there are a goodly number of Christians out
there who don’t try to co-opt the Scriptures to justify “pre-existing
prejudice,” but rather take their views on homosexuality (as well as all other
kinds of sexuality and general human behavior) from what they have learned
and read. Which means, no, I don’t think homosexual behavior is a good
lifestyle choice any more than promiscuous heterosexual behvior, because from
what I know of God’s teaching both are outside of His intended uses of
sexuality. However, it also means that I don’t get to go around beating
people up, insulting people, or choosing not to help or care for them, because
all of those things are equally outside of God’s intended purposes for my
body, speech, and spirit.

As a Christian, I don’t go around trying force everyone to comply with my
viewpoint, but I won’t lie about what I believe to please someone else or
make them feel more comfortable — just as I wouldn’t ask anyone else to do
that for me. You don’t have to like my opinion, agree with it, or respect it,
but please do respect my right to hold it and express it if you want the same
tolerance of your own viewpoint. And my definition of tolerance? Is to try
to care for and respect as a human being any person I come into contact with,
no matter how much I may disagree with their choices and opinions. I wish it
was a definition to which supposedly liberal people more frequently
subscribed.

Are you tolerant enough to let a dissenting opinion run in The Vine?

Lone Apologist

Dear Lone,

You bet I am, honey — does that surprise you?Did you think you could cow me into defending your revolting position for you because we squishy liberals don’t feel comfortable “excluding” anyone’s point of view?Or did you tell yourself that a specious and patronizingly couched screed on God’s intentions — into which, at the end of the day, you have zero useful insight — would successfully turn the argument around and make me the intolerant one?

Nice try, but Bunting don’t play that.Don’t even try to make this about my alleged intolerance, because it’s intolerance to bigotry.It’s not about a belief system, or freedom of religion.It’s about you arrogantly claiming to know the mind of God and using it as an excuse to judge people, which, as the Bible states fairly clearly on a number of occasions, is not your job in the first place.

You can believe whatever you like, and you should.You can believe gays will burn, you can believe all the guys in the begats really existed in history — it’s a free country.Hell, you can believe the moon is made of green damn cheese if you want to.I respect your right to believe that.But the moon is made of rock.

You have no empirical evidence that gay folks don’t get into heaven.You haven’t died, you haven’t gone to heaven, you don’t know whether Freddie Mercury is there or not, you don’t know whether my friends will get in — and it’s not your job to decide anyway, it’s God’s.So, go back to congratulating yourself for not insulting or beating up gay people, which is really such a grand gesture on your part that the world hardly deserves you, instead of trying to twist me to fit into your agenda.

Here endeth the lesson.

I love The Vine, and you give particularly great advice about cats,
which is what my question is about.

I’m a first-year graduate student.Right now I’m living in a grad
student dorm, but I’ll be moving out into an apartment in a couple of months, and
I’m considering getting a cat.I was raised in a house with cats, and
I love them dearly.Since I’ve lived in dorms for the past five years,
it’s been a long time since I’ve had a kitten companion, and I really
miss it.Here’s the problem.

As I said, I’m a graduate student.As such, I work long and
unpredictable hours.Soon I will be working in a lab
and taking classes at the same time.This means that I may have very
few hours at home every day.I’ve made a point to join a lab where I
won’t be expected to work over the weekend, and people generally leave
the lab around 6 PM, so it’s not as though I would never be home, but
I’ll have classwork in addition to the lab work, so I will be pretty
busy.I think I could manage to get home by 8 PM every evening, but
that still means that I’ll be gone for 12 hours a day.

My question is, is it fair to bring a kitten into this environment?
Would it be cruel and selfish of me to adopt a kitten knowing that I
won’t be home very much?I REALLY want a kitten, but I don’t want to
adopt one if it’s going to end up being miserable living with me.
Also, if I do decide to get a kitten, what steps can I take to help
him/her adjust to a new home, especially given the amount of time that
I will be away from home?This would be the first time I’ve raised a
kitten on my own.I want to make sure the kitten can adjust to his/her
new home, and not be too lonely.Would it be a good idea to adopt two
kittens at once so that they can keep each other company when I’m not
home?

Longing for a Feline Companion

Dear Comp,

I would suggest adopting a grown-up cat instead — the adjustment is a little easier for adult cats, who sleep more and require less attention and supervision.Yeah, a big cat isn’t as gosh-darn “eeeeeeeee!” cute as a kitten, but if you don’t spend much time at home, both you and the feline might do better if it’s an adult.

If you have your heart set on a pint-size pet, go for it — plenty of kittens make the transition just fine without a human at home all the time — but I would get two from the same litter, if you can.A pair of cats can amuse itself (…?) when you’re out, and they won’t get as neurotic and lonely.Hobey doesn’t like Little Joe, but before Joe came along, Hobey didn’t like it when I went out for the day, either, and when I came home, he’d run around and whine and pester because he felt insecure.Now he barely notices what I do.Okay, it’s because he’s busy glaring balefully at Little Joe, but still.It’s nice for a cat to have a hobby.

Whatever configuration of felines you decide on, set aside time each day when you are home for playing and attention-giving.

Sars,

My good friend Clarissa (known her since I first started working in the UK, six years ago, have always stayed in touch, never a cross word, et cetera) has just lost her mother.Literally — they turned off the life support exactly 11 minutes ago, after a massive and unexpected brain haemorrhage last Wednesday.

Clarissa is bouncing through all the stages of grief at once.Her sister and father sound like they’re in the same boat.I talked for Clarissa for about twenty minutes both yesterday and today, and I really need some help with this death stuff, because I lived a charmed life so far and only lost a very old and senile grandmother.Clarissa’s family is incredibly close and affectionate.They all live round the corner from each other, and this is leaving a hole which I find scary to contemplate.Plus, Clarissa has been right in the middle of some nasty work dramas and hasn’t had the greatest year, so I don’t think she was at her strongest before this happened.

Clarissa is nearly 32, her mother had just turned 52 or 53.I need to know what I should be telling her.So far I’ve said that I’m there for her in any way — on the phone, day or night, in person if she wants me to come and stay.I’ve promised her I’ll be at the funeral next week.I’ve consoled her about her father’s inability to give her any support at the moment (it sounds like he’s really struggling to accept anything has happened), and suggested that, as the three of them will be at different stages of the grief cycle it may be hard for them to support each other right now.I’ve even mentioned the possibility of grief counselling when the time is right.

Is there anything else I should do?By nature I’m a bit of a fixer, but I don’t want to barrel on in and try to offer to do too much, in case that’s completely the wrong thing to do.Should I just keep repeating the “whatever you need” message whenever I talk to her?Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Cheers,
Bewildered friend

Dear Bewildered,

Thus far, you’ve told her you’ll support her in any way you can, and you’ve also shown her that — calling to check in frequently, letting her use you as a sounding board.It’s exactly what she needs now.

I would only add that it’s exactly what she’ll continue to need in the months to come.Like you, I’ve led a relatively charmed life in that regard, so I can’t offer you any firsthand insight.But based on the experiences of friends of mine, I’ve gotten the sense that it’s after the initial grief and shock have passed that Clarissa will really benefit from your support — when everyone else has gone back to their lives, and when she might feel like she should do the same.

So, keep checking in; stay in touch.Make yourself available.A death can take years for the living to process, but our society isn’t really comfortable with that length of time, so keeping your hand in with Clarissa is the best thing you can do as a friend.

Help me, Obi-Sars, you’re my only hope.

Here’s the dilemma.I’ve been a part of a group of
friends here at college since freshman year — at this
point, the core group consists of four girls and one
guy (me).The one girl in the group, “Susie,” is one
of those “woe is me because I don’t have a boyfriend,
maybe if I wasn’t so fat I’d have one, boo hoo hoo”
types.She likes to flirt with anyone who has a penis
and acknowledges her existence, and is trying way too
hard — the desperation comes across loud and clear.
Unfortunately, she has me in the crosshairs as the
next potential boyfriend.

I am not interested in her
that way (not my type, and frankly, the desperation
is by far the biggest turnoff), and not enough of a
slimeball to just use her for sex.I’d like to keep
her as a friend, but not in that way.I’ve been
trying to be nice, but not too nice, avoiding
one-on-one situations, avoiding any situations where
she might have access to alcohol (she’s a very flirty
drunk) and so on.I was pretty successful, left the
country for a semester, came back, and…she
intensified her efforts.

Friday, I tried dropping the
whole “I think of all of you like sisters” line
(harsh, but justified), and I thought she was starting
to catch on that I wasn’t interested — we hung out in a
larger group of friends, and she wasn’t really
flirting much.Saturday afternoon, she invites
herself over to my apartment, and the flirting
recommences, and Saturday night, I was emailed a
drunken proposition to become friends with
benefits — if I was ever interested, let her know.I
was rather surprised by the frankness of this, and
have not spoken to her since receiving this email
this morning.

So what do I do?How best to give her the shake
without being a total asshole, leading her on, or
creating undue drama within our social circle?Do I
pretend the email never happened and hope she was too
drunk to remember she sent it?Do I confront her and
let her know up front that I’m not interested?Do I
have mutual friends tell her, “You know, you’re wasting
your time, because I’ve been convinced he was gay
since freshman year”?Do I avoid her like the plague
until graduation or whenever she gets a boyfriend?

Sincerely,
Flattered but currently in hiding

Dear Flattered,

Tell her that you got her email, and that for the sake of your friendship, you need to get something straight — you don’t think of her that way.You don’t want to hurt her feelings, but the flirting makes you uncomfortable, and you feel that bluntness is best, so — you love her as a friend, but it isn’t going to go any further.Ever.

Another tip: Try not to use the word “flattered,” even if it’s true.I can’t say exactly why — I think it’s because it smacks of pity, thereby making the entire conversation more excruciatingly embarrassing — but it’s a bigger sting than another way of putting it.

Anyway.I can’t predict how she’ll react, but once you’ve gone on the record as not having any interest in her as more than a friend, just keep your head down and let it blow over.I imagine the rest of the group of friends sees perfectly well what she’s like and can sympathize with the position Susie put you in, so don’t worry too much about what they’ll think.

You do need to deal with it, so deal with it, as gently as you can.

[10/3/03]

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