Sars,

I began looking into my family history about a year ago and discovered (through official records, not from my family) that my maternal great-great-grandfather was African-American.He married a French-Native American woman.His son (my great-grandfather) married a French-English woman and apparently she was the one who decided that it should be a secret, even among the family.My great-grandfather was dark-skinned but it was attributed to his Native American mother.

I still don’t know how much members of the family knew of this, or how much was denial and how much was secrecy.I’ve gotten questions about my ancestry for much of my life (although I’m light-skinned, I don’t look Anglo).About five years ago, after telling yet another skeptical person that “no, I’m not mixed,” I asked my mother if maybe I was.She insisted that I wasn’t and fell back on the Native American explanation.Once I found evidence of my great-great-grandfather’s background, I told her and found that she did know.How long she’s known, I’m not sure.

It was very difficult to learn this at 26.It would have been helpful to have known long before this, and I do feel some resentment towards my mother for not telling me (particularly when I asked as an adult).I’m now in the position of questioning whether I should tell my brother.I asked my mother to tell him (he’s 37), but she doesn’t want to because she thinks that it isn’t necessary for him to know and that his wife my react badly.I think that he’s an adult who deserves this information and he can choose what to do with it.She’s threatened me with various things if I do tell him – that’s not my concern.My concern is that I’m not sure what the right thing to do is.

My family is already incredibly fractured.I don’t have a lot of contact with them and have long since given up on the idea that we will ever have a healthy/positive relationship.I just don’t want to deny my brother the sense of understanding that I had when I learned the big family secret.

What would you do in my position?

Thanks,
Divided

Dear Divided,

I would want to know something like that, so if the prospect of alienating your mother doesn’t bother you, go ahead and tell your brother.He’s more than old enough to decide how to handle the information.

But you should think about why it’s so important to you that he know.It’s not wrong of you to want to tell him, and I don’t think you have nefarious motives or anything, but given that you describe your family as “incredibly fractured,” you might want to ask yourself why the revelation – and, more specifically, sharing it – means so much to you.

[10/30/00]

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