Dear Sars,

I’m hoping that you can help me.I really need an objective third party opinion on this. This situation is unbelievably convoluted, so bear with me, and feel free to edit as you see fit.

My husband (call him “A.J.”) is a high-school English teacher, and is advisor to the yearbook and school newspaper. He really likes to teach, and likes working with kids.He’s generally a really laid-back guy, the type of teacher who understands that you’re having a really bad acne incident, you forgot your lunch money and your boyfriend just dumped you for some cheerleader, so you really don’t give a damn about Grendel or his mother.He’s always been popular with his students and with other teachers

Earlier this year, a new principal took over at his school (we’ll call her “Mrs. X”).This woman has a strong dislike for A.J., as well as every other member of the English department, but (according to A.J.) he’s been singled out both as the newest teacher and the only male in the department.

A.J. recently received a scathing performance review from Mrs. X, and was put on an improvement plan, which requires him to have twice-weekly meetings with Mrs. X, submit his lesson plans for review two weeks in advance, and make changes to them as she sees fit, observe other teachers (of Mrs. X’s choosing) once a week, write a weekly report on his observations and an essay about how the improvement plan is helping him, among other things.Up until this point, A.J. had received nothing but positive feedback from the previous administrators at his school.

Less than a month later, A.J. is completely miserable.The amount of extra work he has to do for the improvement plan is keeping him from doing other teacher-type stuff (like grading and tutoring).He has almost daily panic attacks about having to deal with Mrs. X.Last night he broke down in tears over his Macbeth unit because he was sure that it wasn’t going to be what she wanted.A.J. has petit-mal epilepsy, and his doctor thinks that stress is triggering an increase in seizures. More than anything, he wants to quit teaching at this school.It bears mentioning that A.J. was abused as a child, and I think that this situation is causing him to relive some of those feelings of being powerless.

I’ve made my husband sound like a big bag of medical problems and trauma, but in reality, he is the nicest, sweetest, most unassuming man on the planet. Ordinarily, I would tell him to go ahead and quit his job, even though he would loose his teaching license for a year.The kink is that we’re expecting a baby this week.I have a really good job, and am the primary wage-earner in our household, but the city I work for doesn’t pay maternity benefits.Using all of my vacation and sick time, I will still have to take some unpaid leave, and pay my own insurance for a while (not a small sum).This is not a good time to have a husband who is out of work or looking for work.He could substitute teach, but we’ve been down that road, and substitute teaching is not a job I would wish on anybody, much less somebody I love.

By encouraging him to stick with the job, Mrs. X and all, I feel like I’m not supporting him, and making him feel more helpless and ineffectual.On the other hand, being a no-income family with a new baby terrifies me.Our savings provides some cushion, but I worry it won’t be enough. So, what do I do?Tell him to stick it out and be miserable till I’m back at work, or support him in his desire to quit and live with the consequences?I’ve been going round and round with this till I can’t think straight, and need some clear-headed advice.

Dizzy Mom-to-Be

Dear Dizzy,

People deal with decisions like yours every day — and I don’t mean that in a “suck it up” way, but rather in a soothing “everything is going to fall into place one way or the other, so just try to get through the next few months” way.No decision is written in stone.You will find a way to work it out.Try to have faith in that.

So, with that in mind, I think the two of you need to set a short date for when your husband quits — because he has to quit.Mrs. X is a micro-manager, which isn’t going to change any time soon, and the job is affecting his physical health, which is no good.Decide on a length of time that will give you a little leeway with the maternity leave, but that won’t place any undue stress on his health — for example, sixty days.Write out a budget for the next few months based on your insurance and savings.Come up with a plan for what happens after that: when he’ll start looking for work again; what fields he’ll consider; how long you should allow before he gets a new job and the money starts coming in (the job market right now is, as you know, not good).

It might get a bit tight financially for a short time, but it’s just not worth it for A.J. to stay in a job that makes him that ill and unhappy, and it’s going to cause serious stress in the household — I mean, it’s already doing that.If you can find a way for him to tough it out a little bit longer before he resigns, that’s ideal, but he does need to resign — just figure out beforehand what that’s going to entail, and it’ll work out fine.

Dear Sars,

I have had this monster crush on this guy since the beginning of the year. He is the best friend of my friend’s husband. We all spend quite a bit of time together, and things have gotten physical between me and this guy on several occasions. Alcohol has always been involved. He knows that I am interested in him because I told him so. But nothing more than casual hanging out has ever come of it.

Well, now I find out that he has asked my other friend out. I am devastated by this turn of events. My friend assured me in the past that she would never break the “girl code” and go out with someone I am interested in, but she has not given me those assurances in regard to this specific situation. The thing is, I can accept that this guy does not want me, but the thought of him with my good friend is positively unbearable. Then the other side is that I truly want my friend to be happy, and I don’t want to stand in her way if she really wants to go out with this guy. I just don’t know if I can deal with them together without all of the friendships involved being compromised or ending all together. What do you think?

Thanks,
Selfish or Selfless

Dear Selfish,

Leaving aside for a moment the fact that it’s kind of tacky of the guy to bounce from friend to friend like that…have you spoken to your friend about the issue?”Oh, she knows how I feel.”Well, no.She doesn’t — or she does, but she doesn’t want to deal with it.

I know it’s icky and you feel really seventh-grade about it, but you have to talk to her.You don’t have to deliver an ultimatum or anything; just let her know that you still have feelings for the guy, and you’ve accepted that he doesn’t reciprocate them, but it hurts you to see him interested in her.Then the two of you can discuss how to handle the situation.Maybe they’ll wind up together, and you’ll just take yourself out of the situation for a few months until it hurts less.Maybe she’ll agree to spare you by not hanging out with him and you at the same time, or you’ll agree to suck it up when you have to if she’s sensitive to your feelings.Maybe not much will come of it between them, and it won’t matter in the end anyway.

But you have to decide how much her friendship means to you — and whether her going out with a guy who hurt you (even unintentionally) means that she’s insensitive, or that she’s just stuck in an unfortunate situation.I don’t know her, or the situation, well enough to say if it’s one or the other, and generally speaking, it’s a bad idea to get involved with a guy your friend has ever had feelings for, but sometimes things happen and you have to reevaluate.So, find out what she’s thinking here and take it from there.

[10/30/01]

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