Dear Sars:

My best friend at work (we’ve shared an office for almost three years) is
getting married in a couple months in the Bahamas.They are inviting about
a hundred or so people, but aren’t expecting more than 20 to 25 to actually
fly down there to attend.Unfortunately, he is expecting me to be one of
those, and I really don’t want to go.

We are close friends, and I like him a lot, but we really don’t hang out much
outside the office.We used to a little more, but ever since he moved in
with his soon-to-be wife, he’s rarely willing to do things with me (or
anybody, for that matter).As such, I don’t really know any of their family
or friends that will be attending, and none of my other co-workers are
strongly considering going down there.I’m single and won’t have a date,
so it just seems like too much of a burden to fly down with mostly
strangers to see his wedding.It’s not a financial burden, but more of a
concern about going to a vacation-type island by myself, worried about
having a miserable time.

I’ve hinted to him that I probably won’t be attending, but I’m not sure if
he understands that yet.I don’t think he’ll really be angry if I don’t
go, but I just know that he really wants me there since I’m one of his
closest friends (even if we’re not as close as I would want us to be).So
I guess I’m asking if I should really feel as bad as I do for not going, or
is it okay, or should I suck it up and just fly down there?

Sincerely,
Invitation Blues

Dear Blues,

I don’t have enough information to answer that.I mean, on the one hand, you used to have a close friendship with the guy, and he did invite you to share in the occasion.On the other hand, if he really wanted butts in the seats for his wedding, he should have located it in a place that’s not quite such a hassle for all the guests to get to.But you’ve already considered both of these angles, and I can’t tell you whether his friendship is worth the aggro for you.

I will say that “I don’t think I’ll have a good time” doesn’t strike me as a good enough reason not to go to a wedding.The day isn’t really about you, after all, and if you can afford it, I think you should suck it up.

But again, I can’t really tell you what to do based on what you’ve told me.You have to decide whether you want to take a chance that it’s going to turn into a big pain in the ass without much payoff, and whether you can deal with that possibility to do your friend a solid.If you really dread going, that’s that, but it’s up to you.

Dear Sars,

“Danny” and I started dating our junior year of high school, and were together through our freshman year of college.At that point, we came to the mutual conclusion that our relationship had run its course and we needed to end it before things got really ugly.It was hard at first, natch, but we managed to become pretty good friends.

Fast-forward about four months.I’ve found a new guy, “Matt,” and while we’re not about to go pick out china patterns, we have a lot of fun and things are going great.So what’s the problem?As soon as Matt and I got serious (i.e. “exclusive”), Danny started acting weird.

I’m not talking stalker-ish behavior or anything, just making snide little comments and acting a bit jealous and possessive of me.Now, Matt and Danny have never been close friends, but we do all hang out together with a fairly large group of friends, so needless to say, things are uncomfortable.

I tried talking to Danny, but he just acted oblivious.I don’t want to lose his friendship, but frankly, he’s starting to piss me off.I don’t want to start cutting him out of the fun with our other friends, and I don’t want to ask them to take sides.

So, what do you think I should do?

Trying to be tactful

Dear Trying,

Danny’s your ex.You started dating a new guy only four months later.You both knew that this day would come, but on Danny’s side, it’s still got to sting at least a little bit.I mean, no, he’s not dealing with it particularly gracefully, but I don’t know what you expected to happen.

You could give talking to Danny one more try — you know it’s a bit weird, but if he’s uncomfortable, you hope he’ll talk to you about it, or trust in the fact that in time the two of you will get past it.But I think your best bet when he starts in with the remarks or the possessiveness is to change the subject as gracefully as you can, or leave the room, or whatever.Give him some room.

I know you want to stay friends with him and for everyone to get along, but that’s not always realistic, and you’ll have to roll with his reaction for awhile until he gets over it — or cut down on your face-time with Danny for a few weeks.

Okay…for God’s sake, I have lived here for almost four months, and for those four months I have been searching for a job. First as a waitress, then I went to bartending school and paid for $795 worth of shit as far as I’m concerned.Now I have lowered myself to anything, any fucking thing — retail, which I hate, temp work, which is even worse, catering jobs, dog-walker, baby-sitting — EVERYTHING!

So, what the hell are you supposed to do…everybody wants New York City experience, but if no one hires you, how the hell are you supposed to get it?

Sincerely…”NYC exp. a must!”

Dear NYC,

Keep applying for jobs.Offer to let them train you for free so that you can pick up the experience you need.Ask if you can leave your number in case something opens up later.See if they know of anyone else who’s hiring.Try to maintain a positive attitude, because when you go into a hiring situation assuming that you won’t get the job, you won’t get the job.Wait for a break.It’ll take time, but you’ll get one.

Hang in there.

[10/30/02]

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