Hi Sars,

I am 31 years old. I own my car, I live in a nice one-bedroom. I have a college degree and a job I enjoy. I got a letter from my dad the other day. He opened by telling me that he and my mother have been losing sleep nightly because of me (he states he’s writing the letter at 1:08 AM).

Their first concern is my finances. Basically, I’m broke. I have joined a debt management program (like the ads you see on TV) to consolidate my debt and get me “on the road to a debt-free life.” I’ve been in the program three months and I no longer use any credit cards, my interest rates were lowered to about 8%, and basically all my creditors are working with me. All but one. That creditor has been phoning me unrelentingly and evidently called my parents looking for me, although I haven’t lived there in 15 years. The phone call, I guess, is what has confused them. “Have you taken on more debt? You need to get your spending in control. Do you enjoy being broke all of the time? This was not the way we were raised and not the way we raised you. You need to get another job. You seem to have no problem indicating to us what you want for your birthday or Christmas, but you then you forget about us.”

To say I disagree with the last comment would be such an understatement, I won’t even bother going into it or citing my examples to the contrary. I have not asked my parents for money, nor have they been paying my rent or any of my bills in over a decade. Besides the debt management program easing the load for me a bit, my boyfriend is moving in with me in August, which means my rent payment is being cut in half. My parents know all of this. I guess they think I’m out shopping for Prada sunglasses on the weekend, but the truth is my rent, utilities, credit cards, and groceries wipe me out. No shopping, no restaurants.An occasional movie and a beer, but that’s about it.

Next issue: “Your weight.” Yes, I am fat. Not “about to immediately drop dead” fat, but about 80 pounds overweight. I’ve ALWAYS been heavy, give or take the same 40 pounds. Dad proceeds to tell me that whether we like it or not, people are judged on their appearances (yeah, by their own parents, apparently!), and even if I don’t think that’s fair, it is a fact of life. The idea that my father feels the need to explain to me how fat people are discriminated against is fucking unbelievable. Uh, Dad? I’m fat. I know and understand what it’s like to be fat, you don’t need to tell me, thanks. He says, “You need to do something soon before it is too late.” I have no idea why he’s saying this now; I have not recently gained weight. I have a doctor I see regularly. My blood pressure, cholesterol, et cetera are all good. Sure, my doctor would like to see me lose some weight, but she hasn’t issued any stern warnings. She knows I clock about four miles a day walking to and from work, so I am getting exercise. Mom and Dad know this too.

He wraps it up by explaining that they still love me, blah dee blah, and by sending a letter, “It’s a one-sided conversation. No one gets mad. We hope you are not mad. We are not mad at you.” He points out that I have many artistic talents and I “need to develop one or more of them.” Again with the “need”-ing.

I called Dad the day I got the letter, and we had a brief conversation. I apologized for any phone calls they are receiving on my behalf and told him to give anyone who calls my number. I said it seems like my weight bothers him more than it bothers me, and that I’m fine. He said the usual, “We just want you to be happy.” I asked, “Dad, do I seem unhappy? Because I’m not.”

As the days pass, I’m getting more and more pissed. I mean seriously, WTF? So my question is, should I let it drop because he’s so clearly overstepping his bounds? My parents live about an hour away and I normally see them fairly regularly. We have, I thought, a good relationship. My two sisters, although they have different reasons why, both think I should “cut them off” for a few months. I know ultimately I, and not you, need to decide what to do here, but I’m looking for an outside opinion on the matter. Is my dad totally whacked? If you got a letter like that, how would you react?

Not Rich or Thin Enough

Dear Broken,

I would get so annoyed by that passive-aggressive bullshit that I would have to go for a long walk.Like, “to Indiana” long.

And then I would let it go, because I wouldn’t see any way to resolve it that wouldn’t just make things more aggravating and tense.

The maddening thing here is that your father is talking down to you and telling you what to do, and it makes you feel five years old, but because you are not in fact five years old anymore, the best thing you can do is pay no attention to him.”Okay, Dad.””Whatever, Dad.””Thanks for your input, Dad.”I mean, he’s allowed to have an opinion, even if it’s stupid — and you’re allowed to disregard it.Do so.He doesn’t get a vote, but by trying to figure out what’s going through his head with that letter, you kind of give him one.

Cutting your parents off seems a little extreme, but if you don’t want to spend time around them because you don’t want to deal with the silent judgment, remove yourself from their orbit for a little while — and if one of them asks about it, tell them matter-of-factly why.

Dear Sars,

Here’s my question. I was reading The Vine and the question posed by Not My
Father’s Daughter got me thinking about my own and the issues I need to
resolve with him.

Sars, my father is, in short, the most manipulative, lying son of a bitch
that ever walked the planet. Most people assume that because of my age
(eighteen) I’m exagerrating his evilness out of angst or some weird teenage
properties than I’m supposed to have. I wish I was.

My mother met my father when she was 22 and, to my eternal shame, married
him ten weeks later. They got divorced two and a half years later, when I was
a little over a year old, but had been separated since a few months after I
was born, mainly because my father is a very violent man who beat my mother.
He also had (has) a very nasty cocaine habit.

Things haven’t changed much. My father lost his job when I was nine and
since then has never really paid child support. He owes my mom in excess of
$20,000. That’s money I would like for college. My mom recently
started the process of having the courts force him to pay the money, but at
this point the concept of my father actually paying money isn’t registering
in my mind. On top of this, he’s still the mean, abusive person that my mom
married. He stopped threatening to physically hurt me whenever we’d fight a
couple years ago when I told him flat out that I would fight back, tooth and
nail. My father is the reason I learned how to fight. I know he won’t
physically hurt me anymore, but there’s still issues.

I resumed therapy for my bi-polar disorder early this past December, right
before I was supposed to go visit him for Christmas. At that point, I was a
mess. I was having panic attacks every time I thought of anything remotely
connected with seeing him. When I started therapy again, a lot of old issues
came up, especially since my mom was there, trying to help me. My father
sexually molested me when I was three years old.Since, then I’ve had
reacurring flashbacks of the incidents that leave me in a state where I can
do nothing but cry and cry for hours. I settled myself enough to make the
trip, but while I was out there, my father acted so despicable as far as
meanness goes that I decided that I would probably be much happier never
seeing him again. I’m eighteen now. There’s no real reason why I should.
He’s evil and I know it. He’s done horrible things to me and almost anyone
else who’s ever been close to him. I could never let him be around my kids,
if I ever have any.

How do I tell him? Letter, phone call, retraining order?

Even if I don’t get to see his side of the family again because of this,
which isn’t likely to happen, it would be worth it just to not have this man
in my life. I love him, but I hate what he’s done and I can’t do it anymore.

Any advice you can give me would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Sick of a Sucky Dad

Dear Sick,

I don’t think it matters how you tell him, but I’d go with a letter.It’s not a dialogue you want; you want to make an announcement, and a letter is the cleanest way to do that.

If you go with a letter, keep it fairly simple.You have years of hate you want to unload on him, no doubt, but confine yourself to telling him, in the plainest terms possible, that you never want to see him again, and that you never want him to contact you again in any way.State it flatly.Sign it, Xerox it, send the original, and wash your hands of him.

And for the sake of your own peace of mind, I would give up on the twenty grand, frankly.I don’t love the idea of letting a piece of shit like him get away with not paying, but…he’s not going to pay anyway, probably, and I think you need to get him all the way out of your life.He’s a cancer.Excise him completely.

Dear Sars:

I don’t get along terribly well with my mom. I know, shocker, but as mother-daughter relationships go ours is exceptionally fraught, to say the least. She yells a lot more than seems strictly necessary, and when she’s mad at one person (I have two younger sisters, neither of whom get along with her much better) she tends to spread the mad around. It would bring me indescribable joy to have her treat me at least a little like I’m not seven and throwing a temper tantrum. As it is, I learned most of what I know about how mature people interact from books and the internet. It’s worked out better than you’d think; I’ve turned out reasonably well-balanced and extremely well-read.

When I was younger, I used to try to rationalize a lot of her behavior — she’s stressed, my sisters were bugging her, she’s got a short temper and I shouldn’t antagonize her — but I’ve come to realize that none of these are actually the case. In reality, my mother just can’t stand to be questioned. Ever. About anything — doesn’t matter how trivial the issue is, if I don’t lock-step I’m in for eardrum abuse. I don’t set her off as much as I did in middle school, when I was hormonal and, looking back, probably borderline depressed, but the screaming matches still occur pretty regularly.

Well, I say “screaming matches,” but it’s more like her screaming, me going, “God! When do I move out?” and sighing a lot.

I know I’m gonna be out of the house in a few months, so I should just suck it up and deal. But I’d like to have some kind of healthy relationship with her later in life — my dad’s mom hardly notices we exist, and lavishes attention on my cousins, mostly because of disagreements she had with my dad when he was younger. If I ever have kids, I’d like them to have the full complement of grandparents, and I’d like to be able to interact with my mom as though we were both adults. Hell, that’s pretty much all I want now.

So how in the name of all that’s holy do I get it? Other than never questioning her judgment again, that is, which ain’t damn happening.

Ready To Be A Grown-Up

Dear Ready,

Try sitting down with her when she’s not all screamy and discussing the way the two of you interact.Tell her you’d like to find a more productive way of dealing with each other; you understand that she gets frustrated, but you also get frustrated with the way she handles you, and you wonder if she would mind trying not to yell and talking to you rationally, like an adult, instead.Don’t accuse her; phrase everything in terms of “I” statements so she doesn’t feel attacked.

She might react positively; she might react by screeching.If it’s the latter, at least you have your answer — there’s nothing you can do.Just keep your head down until you can get out of the house, and pick your battles carefully during that time.

And don’t worry too much about the relationship long-term.Once you put a little distance between you and your mom, you’ll probably get along a lot better, but you’ll just have to see what happens.Deciding whether kids you haven’t had yet will see her at the holidays is premature.

Hey Sars,

I’m a girl, a junior in high school, 16, and well, there’s this guy. Of course. This guy, I’ll call him “X,” has been my very good friend for the last three years, since we were both freshmen. About a month ago, my cousin set me up on a blind date with his friend; I’ll call him “Psycho.” Well, long story short, the first few days going out with Psycho were great, but then he got violent and possessive. I mean, he was with the L-word after just five days! So, I broke it off.

Well, I told X that I was going on a blind date, and he was like, “Oh, how, um, nice.” It took but one day after the blind date for him to confess that he had a crush on me. So, I thought, okay, this is no big deal, what’s a little crush?

But then, things took a turn.

X has gotten more and more, shall we say, desperate? He asked me out one day after I broke up with Psycho, and I, being silly and vulnerable and a bit tipsy, said yes. (I should also mention that before this, I had only had one boyfriend, and that was when I was 14, so it isn’t like I have the guys lined up around the block or anything.)

About two days later, I realized what I had done. I mean, I see X as more of a brother type than a boyfriend type. So I broke up with him. I know it was a cruel and heartless thing to do, leading him on like that, but I had to break it off. Yet he still insists that we are perfect for each other, even saying things such as that he finds me “perfect” (I have many, many flaws) and that he “can’t sleep because he’s thinking about me.” I mean, a big crush is one thing, but he was talking about hurting himself because I don’t like him like that. He said he even thought about the final solution (only for “a few seconds”), but still, I mean, isn’t that a little drastic? A lot drastic? I should point out that X is a total geek (which isn’t the reason for my refusal), so he’s never had a girlfriend before.

So, finally, my question is this: Should I break off all contact with him, or just be his friend? Because, frankly, he’s starting to worry me. I don’t want to block him out, but maybe that’s the only way to help him. I don’t know, and I’m looking for some anonymous advice. Thanks in advance, and the site rocks!

Breaking up is hard to do

Dear Hard,

Tell him that you care for him as a friend and you feel bad that you gave him the wrong idea at first, but you don’t have any interest in him that way — and you do not want to hear anymore about “that way,” period, full stop, or even friendship is off the table.

“But what if he tries to kill himself?!”I…seriously doubt he’s going to do anything of the sort.Threatening suicide is a classic manipulation tool for guys who can’t get the girl, or who can’t deal with not getting the girl, in a normal, healthy manner.If he says it again, call his bluff and tell his parents — that way, if he’s really suicidal, he’ll have a shot at the help he needs, and if he’s not, he’ll learn not to cry wolf that way again.

And when you tell him the friendship is subject to him getting his shit together, mean it.If he persists with the I-can’t-sleep-at-night business, cut him dead.It’s hard, because you want to show the guy compassion, but letting him continue to not cope isn’t going to help either of you.

Sars,

I’d like to ask your advice about something.I’m in a relationship with someone wonderful, and everything is rainbows, lollipops, and puppies.We live near each other, but not together, and this is acceptable to both of us for the present time.In about a year, however, he plans to move to a different state to pursue his PhD, and wishes for me to accompany him.I, of course, would be thrilled to do so, as there is nothing really tying me here, and I love him very much and don’t mind moving anywhere he needs to go to finish his school and get his shit taken care of.

My question is whether or not I should express a preference in his choice of schools.He has several schools in mind, including some in Boston, NYC, Salt Lake City, L.A., and Seattle.Although all of these places are quite a bit more expensive then our current locale, I’d prefer to move to Boston or NYC, at least in small part because then I could hopefully sell my car and rely on the public transportation that these cities are famous for, instead of carrying the financial burden of a vehicle in a place where the cost of living will increase exponentially.

I do not, however, wish to interfere with the process, considering that choosing a school to pursue graduate level education is a decision that includes more factors than my personal preference.I’m wondering if I should even express an opinion, or if I should just let him pick the best school, and adjust to the location once he’s made his choice.

Thanks!
Tentatively Standing By

Dear Standing,

Well, it’s not just your “personal preference” — you have to find a job, you have to find a place to live, you have to make a big adjustment too.No, that shouldn’t override his decision if the best school for him is in a less desirable city, but you do get a vote.

The question is how much weight that vote should carry, and the two of you should discuss that; if you have a preference as to cities, you should tell him that now.Of course, you can also tell him that you’ll cope with whatever city he ends up in, but if that isn’t true — if, for example, the idea of living in Seattle fills you with bleh — you should speak up about it now instead of hoping silently that he doesn’t decide on a school in Seattle, then moving there and hating it and resenting the whole thing.

In other words, yes, express an opinion — but it’s just an opinion, and it’s open for debate, so don’t worry about influencing him one way or the other.Just talk with him about the pros and cons of various places.

[10/30/03]

Share!