Ms. Sars —

It’s not an original problem, but it is mine, and I hereby foist it on
you.Well, not really, but I do need help.

Issue one: I’m an extremely closeted 28-year-old possible lesbian, who
doesn’t really want to be gay.And yet, there it is.Men do nothing for
me; brunettes with deep brown eyes and kick-ass attitudes knock me over
(think Eliza Dushku and Maria Bartiromo).The issues around coming out
to my family terrify me, and there’s no way I can tell my ultra-Southern,
ultra-conservative parents that I think I’m gay/bi/whatever — at least,
not until I’m more secure in this.Luckily, I live several states away,
so it’s not a daily issue, and my parents and I have a wonderful
relationship.Still…I’m not ready for that.

Issue two: My best friend.She is truly everything that a best friend
is supposed to be — caring, funny, helpful, a true anamchara without whom
I’d be lost.We know each other so well that, should I tell her that I
think I’m gay, I know that she wouldn’t be surprised or drop me.In a
life where I seem to lose more than I gain, she is, and always will be, a
constant presence.

The problem is that I can’t stop flirting with her, be it holding her
hand, telling her how pretty she is (and she is damn cute), or lightly
touching her during conversation.In many ways, the only distinction
between “best friend” and “girlfriend” is that we don’t kiss.I don’t
know if I’m really falling for her, or if I’m just using her to alleviate
my frustrations — but I know it’s not fair.She’s straight.I may not
be.And we’re taking a vacation together soon, and although I’m thrilled
about spending an entire week with her, I’m extremely nervous about what
might slip out.

There it is — my two-fold problem.How can I really figure out my
suddenly ambiguous sexuality, and how can I keep it from destroying my
relationship with my friend?I’ve been frantically trying to figure this
out for a year now, and I’m stumped.

Signed,
What, Me?Gay?Shit.

Dear Me,

With the usual “I’m a straight girl, so I might put my foot in it” disclaimers in play…it’s not actually ambiguous, at all.I think of sexuality as more of a spectrum than a series of boxes we have to fit ourselves into, but, well, if boys make you go “ehh” and girls make you go “ooh,” that’s the pink end of the spectrum right there.You’re gay.

You’ve resisted accepting that so far, and given what you’ve said about your parents, that’s understandable, but don’t worry about your parents now.Admit yourself to yourself first.”This is what I am.This is what I like.This is what is.”Your family will deal with it or not as they see fit — and shame on them if they don’t — but get it settled with yourself first.Take as much time as you need to do that.

As far as your best friend goes…eesh.There’s a lot going on there, and I suspect a lot of it has to do with the fact that she’s safe for you to crush on.She’s straight, and she’s probably not going to reciprocate your feelings, so you’ve developed these feelings for her because you know you’ll never have to deal with them fully.Not that you don’t genuinely love/care for/feel an attraction to her; you do, but getting fluttery over a het girl is how you avoid dealing with yourself.So, start by looking at that.Or maybe you think I’m full of shit, but you should look at it anyway.

It sounds like you have a good, trusting bond with her, so when you feel ready, go ahead and come out to her.She can handle it — and she already knows anyway, I’ll bet — so it should go pretty smoothly.You might want to leave your attraction to her specifically aside at first and take one thing at a time, just so it’s not such an intimidating prospect.

But come out to yourself first.It’s scary, but if it’s the truth, it’s time to face that.

Hail, Great Grammar Guru Sars!

Love TN, love TWoP.You know the drill.

Which of these sentences is correct?

a) I would be happier if I was a butterfly.
b) I would be happier if I were a butterfly.

Something is telling me it should be “were,” but I have no idea why.Help?

Thanks,
Aspiring Grammar Nazi

Dear Aspiring,

It’s b) “were.”The “if” means that you need a subjunctive there.

Dear Sars,

I’ve been reading your site for years, and I guess I’ve been “saving up” to
write to you about any problems I might have.This one has me kinda
stumped, and I hope you can help me out.

I haven’t worked for about a year and a half.The reasons for my unemployed
status were the following:

1)I developed social anxiety, in response to some trauma that I hadn’t
been able to deal with as a child.At the time, I was working as a
receptionist, and it got so bad that I felt like puking on the bus to work
in the morning.

2)A few years back, I found out that I have IC (interstitial cystitis).
Without going into too much gory detail, it causes pain in the bladder — but
for me, I have no trouble with bladder CONTROL.I’m not sure about other
sufferers, though.Anyway, as you can tell, talking about this problem is a
leetle embarrassing for me.When I get stressed, or if I drink too much
caffeine (I had to give up coffee), I get a “flare-up.”This means that I
can experience pain, anywhere from general discomfort in the bladder region,
to…well, much more pain.The bottom line is that I sometimes CAN’T work,
because going to the bathroom fifty times in a work-day is NOT productive.
Also, I have trouble finding dress pants that are comfortable — they tend to
put pressure on my abdomen, which is not a good thing.Argh.

3)In addition to the social anxiety, I have been “officially” diagnosed as
“Disassociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified,” or some such junk.The
“unofficial” diagnosis is that I have an alternate personality, Rose.I
worry that she may come out an inappropriate times, because she has come
out while I was supposed to be working before.Luckily, all that happened
was that she wrote a whole WHACK of e-mails while I was supposed to be
working.God, this is getting complicated.

Here is my problem:

What do I tell a prospective employer when they ask me why I haven’t been
working for a year and a half?At my last interview, I said that I became
ill, and had to quit work.(I briefly explained my IC problem, but I also
said that I’ve “got it under control now,” because I do.)I also said that
after my long recovery, I decided to take some time off to “write at home.”
Which is not totally a lie, because I have been writing.It’s just been
journal writing, but that still counts, eh?

The guy actually asked me if I had considered getting social assistance or something.He asked me how I had survived,
what I had done for money.Even though I was ticked off that he was getting
so personal, I told him that I’m in a common-law marriage, and that my
boyfriend is a freelance IT guy.

So what should I tell them?My boyfriend jokingly said that “you should
just say that you were ill, and if they press for details…tell them.
Then they’ll be sorry for asking such a lame question.”Um, no.I don’t want to do that.I do NOT want to tell a prospective
employer about my social anxiety, or my alternate personality — at all.I
don’t feel that it is any of their business.Rose is also pretty much
“under control” now, and she understands that to come out while I’m working
is inappropriate.We have negotiated some things, and she is given time of
her own to do as she likes.The problem there is…well, it might sound
silly, but I don’t totally trust her.

If you could give me some advice on how to respond to the questions “What
have you been doing for the last year and a half?Why weren’t you working?”
— I would be ever so grateful.

Thanking you in advance,
Simply Red

P.S. As you have probably already guessed, I’m seeing a therapist, and I’m
also on anti-depressant medication.Probably for life.Thanks again for
anything you can tell me.

Dear Red,

“I took time off to deal with a variety of medical problems.”Short, to the point, and completely true.If they ask a follow-up question, smile faintly and tell them that it’s “personal” and you’d “prefer not to get into the gory details.”

I do think you should also consider whether you want to return to work just yet, if Rose is still a potential problem.

[10/31/02]

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