The Vine: October 5, 2000
Dear Sarah,
I have been reading Tomato Nation for some time now and never had a reason to write in until now.
My girlfriend and I have been seeing each other for about five months now and it is honestly the best relationship I’ve ever been in. There is one problem, though: jealousy. Not jealousy in the aspect that I get upset when other guys hit on her, but rather the fact that I don’t.
I was in a rather long relationship a while back and I was constantly getting upset when other guys tried to hit on her. After the whole thing was over I decided that jealousy was not the way to go, I find it is damaging to a relationship and my own personal well-being.
Simply put, I trust my girlfriend, but to her to the expression of jealousy says that I care (not angry, mind you, more along the lines of “Who was that” or something like that). Because I don’t get upset when another man hits on her, she feels that I don’t care as much. I personally feel that I express caring in different ways; I tell her I care, I take her out and am there for her whenever she needs me. It’s just a difference in opinion; I honestly don’t think one is better than the other. I can’t make myself feel jealous, and I always thought that (and was told that) women want the trust of their significant others.
I’ve been trying various different ways to show her I care, writing letters, special surprise dinners, things like that (I was already doing those things, I just kind of stepped it up a little).
Am I wrong about this? How can we solve this problem? We have never gotten into any other kind of argument except for this. How can we get on some kind of common ground here – I’m not asking that she change her opinion, I just want her to understand where I’m coming from. I’ve sat down and discussed it with her, but to no avail. What other ways can I show that I care?
Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.
Best regards,
Don’t understand women
Dear Don’t,
You have done everything you can do. You have told her that you care for her; you have shown her that you care for her through your thoughtful actions. You have tried to tell her that her insistence on equating jealousy with sincere emotional investment doesn’t hold water with you. You can’t really do anything else now.
Your girlfriend needs to grow up. Whining about how a boyfriend doesn’t get jealous when other guys talk to her is really high-school, and if that’s her sole criterion for evaluating how much you care – if she’s still picking fights about it in spite of the nice dinners and whatnot – well, that’s a sign of emotional immaturity, one you shouldn’t ignore.
Tell her she’s welcome to feel how she feels about it, but you won’t feign jealousy just to feed her insecurities, and you don’t want to hear about it again. You’ve bent over backwards to express your feelings positively, but you’ve got to draw the line and make the princess stand behind it.
Tags: boys (and girls)
