Hey Sars,

Thanks for taking the time to read this, it seems somewhat ridiculous but I
thought I might see if you could write some sense into me.

I live in a sharehouse, that was once populated by wonderful, fun people.
They have recently moved on, and one of their replacements — who seemed
normal when we interviewed him — has turned into the Housemate From Hell.
HFH is a nice enough guy, I guess — but we really don’t click and it has
become increasingly apparent to me that I just need to remove myself from
this situation before it turns truly nasty.

So.I’ve recently made it known around the place that I was looking for
alternative housing arrangements.It’s a slow time of year for vacant rooms
in this town, but I got an email yesterday about an option in a house with
three boys, not far from where I work.

Now, while I had been thinking it might be nice to start the escape from
sharehouse living (I’m 26 and gainfully employed), and maybe share with just
one other person, this house sounds like fun.I’ve had a lot of friends
move away in the last year, and am keen to meet new people.Two of the boys
in this house would be new, and might open up a new circle of friends for me
to play with.

The problem is the third boy, G.I’ve known G for about three years, but
only see him once in a while.For the first year I knew him, I nursed one
of those painful crushes that you know in your head are ridiculous (“I
hardly know the guy!” “I am inventing an ideal of him!”), but just can’t get
past all the same.I made up my mind to ask him out last year, but then he
started going out with this girl, W, and they dated for about six months.
While they were together, I did my best to talk myself out of the crush.

He’s single again now, but I’ve seen him so rarely since he and W broke up
that I haven’t been able to work out whether the crush is dead or alive.
It’s there in my head, but I’m just not sure.Now I find myself in a
situation where he really wants me to move in (we get along well, I know he
thinks I’m “fun,” we’re into the same things), and I can’t decide whether
it’s a good idea, or a recipe for disaster.

My self-esteem is not good (whose is?), and I have a history of denying
crushes and not acting upon them because I convince myself that the other
person could not possibly be interested in me.I’m sure that if I move into
this house, I’ll become good friends with G, but never actually make a move.
Besides, the “don’t sleep with your housemates” rule exists for a reason,
right?

All this is a roundabout way of asking whether you think I’m crazy for even
considering it, or whether I’m way overthinking the whole situation and
should just try it and see what happens.

Thanks for listening, hope you’re having a good day.

With love,
Surely It’s Too Soon For Us To Move In Together

Dear And Stop Calling Me “Shirley,”

You’re way overthinking the whole situation.You have to subtract G from it, I think, and ask yourself if it’s still a good deal — and I think it is, if it gets you out of the current undesirable situation and into a more liveable one (I think I just misspelled that; don’t email me).

Either the crush is dead; G will kill the crush somehow by eating peanut butter with a straw or walking around in one sock or something (you never know what’s going to smash a crush flat); or you’ll still think he’s neat-o and you’ll deal with it then.Dating housemates is not the greatest idea, generally, but don’t get ahead of yourself.Focus on whether it’s reasonable rent-wise and take it from there.

Dear Sars,

First off I’d like to say that I love your site, you’re a very talented writer and I love to read what you write…and your advice, in my opinion, is great.

Anyway, on with the problem…well, let me give you a little back story first.

I’m 17 years old and I have a brother that I’ve never met and until recently had no contact with whatsoever. He grew up with his father and I grew up with our mother, until a couple of weeks ago I hadn’t even seen a picture of him. My sister, who grew up with him and I’ve known for a little more than a year, was kind enough to give me a few pictures of him…I’ve always wanted to meet him or at least talk to him, knowing that he exists and not knowing anything about him has always troubled me.

Yesterday I got the unexpected, a phone call from him. My sister gave him mine and my mother’s phone number and he called as soon as he could. He’s 24 years old and he lives in Kansas, my mother was asleep whenever he called and we talked freely for over an hour. Although we grew up apart we seem to have a lot in common, we agree on things a lot, and he seems like a very nice person that I would love to get to know. He’s supposed to be traveling to the East Coast to visit my sister (only about two hours away) this summer and he would love to meet me as well, the idea of meeting him and getting to know him at least a little makes me very happy and excited.

Now the problem, there’s always a problem. He doesn’t want to see our mother. He doesn’t like her and they never got along during the rare times that they saw each other. There are a lot of reasons, the first being that she was never there for him growing up and wanted next to nothing to do with him…I know that now, though, she thinks about him and regrets the way that things turned out between them…she hates it. She wasn’t the best mother to me growing up either but at least she was here, for him she wasn’t. They didn’t even talk. He still has some hard feelings toward her and I really can’t blame him.

But the thing is, I’ll still be 17 and living with her whenever he’s supposed to come and visit and this will more than likely be the last time in a while that I get this chance. I’m going to college soon and he’s in school as well, we’ll both be very busy, too busy to travel half way across the country…I know that I’d be safe because I’d be with my sister, who is a very responsible woman and a mother. Which by the way, is the reason that he’s coming, to see his niece for the first time…

What I need advice on is whether or not to lie to my mother. Should I tell her that I’m just going to visit my sister? Something that has been discussed already. Or should I tell her the truth and tell her that he doesn’t want to see her…I don’t want to hurt feelings by saying that and I also don’t want to lie…but I’m more than willing to do both if I have to because knowing my brother means the world to me. What would you do?

Thanks a bunch–
All I wanna do is get to know him…

Dear Wanna,

Whether you lie or not — and I wouldn’t, but more on that in a sec — keep in mind first and foremost that your brother’s and your mother’s relationship is for them to handle.It’s harder than it sounds to keep those boundaries, I know, and you want everyone to get along; that’s understandable.But you aren’t responsible for anyone else’s relationships with each other — only yours with them.

So, I wouldn’t lie.I would tell your mom what’s going on, and just not mention your brother not wanting to see her; if she assumes that she’s included, you might tell her that, you know, she should talk to your brother about that because you don’t know what his plans are.But make it clear to both of them that you don’t want to be in the middle of their shit; you just want to deal with your interactions with them and not have to pick a side.

Again, I know it’s hard, and you want to be sensitive to everyone’s wishes, which is nice of you — but if your brother doesn’t want to see your mom, that’s on him to tell her, and it’s on your mom to try to patch that up if she wants to.It’s not your job, is my point, and you should be the best sister and daughter you can be without winding up getting played off of anyone.

It’s a sticky situation, but just try to speak honestly and gently and you’ll figure it out.

Dear Sars,

I have a problem –- my brother just got engaged. No, it’s not the typical, “I hate his fiancée” problem, but the engagement is surfacing a lot of issues between my parents and me. As my dad was crying and my mom was hugging brother and future sister-in-law, all I could think of was when I told my parents I was engaged and they asked, “Do you expect us to be happy for you?” and hung up on me.

Some back-story: I’m the oldest and almost 30 now. Brother, sister and little brother are five, seven and 17 years younger than I am, respectively. Growing up, a lot of shit happened that my siblings were too young to really understand -– alcoholism (dad), infidelity (dad), multiple infant deaths (mom and dad), physical (dad) and verbal abuse (mom), emotional withdrawal (mom), et cetera. However, I was aged six to 15 during the worst of it and remember it all. The effects of it all hindered my emotional development severely. I ended up in a mental institution when I was 18. By age 20, I just packed up and left. My parents cut me off and forbid me to talk to my siblings.

I moved on. Got a job and an apartment, then an even better job and apartment. I found a guy. Over the years, I reached out to my parents, but was rebuffed or attacked (“If you’re not calling to say you are coming home, this conversation is done.” Or, “Do you know what you are doing to your siblings? They need therapy! You’ve screwed them up! They hate you!”). As a result, I missed a lot of my siblings’ growing up (graduations, competitions, proms, medical emergencies, et cetera). Usually, I wasn’t invited to these functions, but if I was, it was at close to the last minute (read: day before). Whenever I agreed to come, I was uninvited at the last minute (read: hours before) because my siblings were going to be uncomfortable with my presence. As they got older, I tried to reach out to them via e-mail, but my parents intercepted the messages and requested that I not contact my siblings because I was confusing and screwing them up.

So, I continue living my life. Guy and I get engaged. I called my parents and…see above. Guy and I planned the wedding despite their lack of involvement. I invited everyone on my side. Only one aunt and grandmother showed up for the ceremony. The week before the wedding, I called my mom and begged her to come. She refused, saying I made my choice and she couldn’t believe I was going through with the wedding, without her. As if getting married was an act of defiance. Had a great time at the wedding, regardless.

Things go on like this until I get pregnant. The miracle of life brings everyone together. For about a year, we all walk on eggshells, but then everything seems forgotten. Our past issues and conflicts are never discussed or “worked out.” It’s odd, but seems to work. My siblings and I are never really close, but they seem to accept that I’m back in their lives.

Then, brother gets engaged. I am so happy for him and his fiancée. But, I guess seeing my parents so over-the-top thrilled is bittersweet for me. I hadn’t realized how much anger and resentment I still harbored. I thought I had rationalized it all away.

To add to things, my mom seems to be more comfortable around me now and letting more things come up -– comments about my weight, my house, guy, et cetera. She’s made comments about how much sister can’t stand me. She tries to be very controlling and when I don’t do things her way, there’s emotional hell to pay. Also, my siblings are also being more vocal about their distaste for and/or indifference to me. I just suck it up and consider it penance for leaving them 10 years ago. But, it can’t go on like this.

Now I don’t know what to do. I feel like I need to talk it though with them, but if they didn’t accept any of the blame then, how will they now? I will take a large part of the responsibility -– I acted immaturely by moving out without discussing it with my parents. Plus, being older, I understand more what they went through with the deaths of their prematurely born babies. But, they never moved from their position, ever.

Sars, I’m not sure what to do. Do I force a family sit-down to hash things out? Do I bury my feelings again? Should I limit my exposure to them?

Thanks for any insight,
Feeling like I’m 14 again

Dear Feeling,

If by “limit your exposure to them,” you mean “cut them dead,” yes, I think you should do that.

Look, you use the word “penance” to describe your relationship with your family.Even families that like and respect each other don’t get along every minute, and sometimes you’ve got undercurrents of shit going on, or you don’t really love hanging out with your one sibling but you tolerate her because you enjoy your other sibling, blah blah.But…your family doesn’t like you.They don’t respect you.None of them.And you keep coming back like a kicked dog.I know you want to be able to have a family to call your own, but — don’t use this one, because they’re fucked up, and they’re still fucking you up, and it’s not worth it and it’s not a good example for your own children.

Build your own family with your husband and your friends.Keep in touch with the family members that have treated you kindly and not drunk your parents’ asshole-grudge Kool-Aid, and just stop trying with everyone else.Your family sucks.Again, I know it’s hard to accept that, but…they haven’t taken one ounce of responsibility for anything.You’ve been eating their shit for decades, and for what?So that you can (probably) get disinvited to this wedding in the end anyway?

Fuck it.Seriously.Hang with your own little family.Join a church.Do the holidays with friends.But enough already.You tried to forge a relationship with your biological family, but they aren’t interested.Devote your energy to people who actually appreciate the effort from now on.You deserve that.

So Sars —

I’ve got a basic, simple question, and I know it all comes down to what I
feel personally, but I just want an outside opinion.

I met a guy through an old roommate about a year ago. We really hit it off
right away and have had a great time building an incredible friendship and
amazing sexual relationship. I have been hedging on committing myself to a
“real” relationship however, because of our age difference. I’m 24 and he is
39. I’m just wondering: Am I crazy, or could a relationship across this age
range work? He has no problem with it, and honestly, if you met him without
knowing his birthday, you wouldn’t guess him to be much more than early 30s.
So it’s just my neurosis I suppose.

Just Looking for Validation

Dear You Want It, You Got It,

You may be crazy, but that’s irrelevant.Of course a relationship like that could work.The main issue that faces relationships with big age differences, I think, is that often the younger party is still going through some changes as far as getting settled in who he/she is, but at 24, you’re past a lot of that.If your boy isn’t one of those guys who’s all, “Let me date a younger woman so that I can speak pompously to her about Life And Such,” and it doesn’t sound like he is, then just enjoy it and don’t worry about what everyone else does or thinks.

I mean, yes, a lot of relationships with big age splits don’t work.But a lot of them do, and a lot of people will speak pompously to other people their own age.Don’t overthink it if it’s not a problem.

Hi babes,

I was wondering how you feel about the increasingly popular use of the word “product” in place of the name of an actual type of product, as in “He uses too much product in his hair,” as opposed to “He uses too much gel in his hair.” I hear it used most frequently with respect to beauty supplies, where “product” can refer to hair gel, mousse, shampoo, moisturizer, conditioner, shaving cream, and so on. I’m not sure if it’s grammatically incorrect from a technical standpoint, but it strikes me as pretentious and irritates the holy hell out of me.

Desperately Hoping Those Queer Eye Fellas Read This

Dear Des,

I actually like “product,” for exactly the reason you cite — it’s nice and broad, and if you don’t know for sure what’s in play, whether it’s mousse or gel or styling mud or whatever, you can use the word “product” as a blanket term.I mean, I remember when we had only one “product” — ground-to-air ozone-bomb hairspray — so I like not having to distinguish between that and pomade.

But if it bugs you, just use the kind of hair product you mean, or say “stuff” or “goop” or whatever.I hear you on the overuse, but until someone (maybe you?) can ram an equally all-purpose synonym into the lexicon, we’re stuck with it.

[10/5/04]

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