I congratulate the bartender in St. Louis who is considering her financial
future.

I am a bartender in San Francisco and have been for years.While I think
your dad is dead on with the SEP/Roth IRA suggestion for retirement, one
thing that is important to not to ignore is a tax return.If said bartender
is planning on taking out a loan for a house — or for the restaurant that
she and her partner hope to open — it is important that they can document a
significant portion of their income on paper.I got somewhat screwed on my
mortgage by being unable to “prove” that I make the money I actually make.

It will be a financial hit either way: she will either pay more than she
needs to in taxes or more than she should in interest, but it is worth
investigating to know how much income she needs to declare in order to get a
loan she might want a few years down the road.I sure wish someone told me
that about five years ago; I have to shake a lot more martinis for the
higher interest rate!

And whatever she does, she must keep her credit clean.I wish it weren’t
the case, and I know many, many bartenders who can disprove the notion, but
we aren’t generally considered a safe bet by lenders.In SF, anyway.So be
careful.

Again — here’s to you, St. Louis Bartender, for planning ahead!

J

Dear J,

Thanks for the recommendation.Several other readers wrote in to urge her to declare her tip income, as it’s important for Social Security calculation (not to mention illegal not to).

Dear Sars,

I read (and loved) your story about shaving your head for charity back
when it was posted, and asked my mom how she thought I would look
without hair. Her answer was less than flattering, to say the least,
and she went further to say that the last thing she would ever do
would be shaving her head.

Now it looks like she has no choice. Two weeks ago, my mother went
into the hospital with a massive aneurysm. She spent eleven days in
the neuro ICU undergoing, and then recovering from, brain surgery to
clamp the aneurysm and prevent a stroke. They shaved the front left
quarter of her head for the surgery, and left the rest
shoulder-length.

My mom, thank god, is home now, more or less okay and getting better
every day. She’s well enough to bitch about her hair, and she’s
decided that she’s going to buzz it all so that it’ll grow in evenly.
I can tell that she’s scared of how she’ll look and of how people will
take it, though, especially because she now has a large, dark scar
running from the center of her forehead all along her hairline to her
ear. She’s 47, works in business, and though incredibly kick-ass, has
a lot of self-confidence issues related to her appearance.

Now that you’ve had your short hair for a while, can you say any more
about what it’s like? I know her hair is kind of the least thing my
mom can worry about right now, but it’s still important to her, and
she (and I!) would appreciate any advice you have.

Thanks,
I Think The Punk Look Really Works On Her

Dear It Will If She Believes It Does,

I live in a big city; I live in a neighborhood within that city that has a large-ish population of lesbians.Super-short hair is not a big deal here.When it was really short, meaning that I had none, I was getting some stricken looks that seemed to assume I had cancer, which was an eye-opener, but I usually didn’t feel all that conspicuous unless I had an event to attend with my parents or was travelling out of town.

Another reason my experience may not be indicative is that I did it by choice — and whether I regretted that choice (and it’s had its frustrations, but by and large I haven’t), it wasn’t imposed on me.

But the advice I can offer is that you just have to own it — view it as an opportunity, not a punishment.I was surprised to learn that my hair actually looks better short, and once you’ve done something that dramatic with your hair, it frees you to try other stuff with your personal style that you might not have risked before.It draws attention; you can really sell a pair of earrings when your hair isn’t in the way.

Hair is a major signifier of femininity in Western culture, so it’s a bit strange to navigate that, and other people’s relationships with it, when you don’t have that signifier — but again, what other people think or would do is not something you can really control, so you just have to put on some mascara (or not) and hold your breezy head high.It’s a lot easier if you make a command decision not to give a shit, or to let that define your beauty.Time passes quickly, too, and if you’re taking hair-growth vitamins and focusing on other things, you’re at “Pat Benatar” before you know it.

Tell your mom to get one good, no-hassle wig for days when she doesn’t feel like dealing, but tell her also to enjoy the process.I’m certainly never shaving mine down to scalp again — too cold, too confusing — but I don’t regret doing it this time at all.It clarified a lot of things for me and set me free from various minor expectations, so if she can try to think about it in an anthropological way, she can have some fun with it.

I’ve been happily married for eight years.Four years ago, my husband went on a week-long business trip to NYC.When he came back, he tearfully confessed to being with another woman he met there.He was incredibly ashamed, but he said he still needed me to know the truth.We hammered out some problems, and he’s been a model husband since.

Here’s the thing.When he told me about the fling, my first thought was not, “How could you do this?” or “How can I trust you?”My first thought was “Why did he have to tell me?”I spent a couple of years trying to figure out why that was my instinct before finally realizing that the fling didn’t really bother me.

My husband and I each have to travel once or twice a year for our jobs, going to professional conventions and such.At these conventions, we meet people.Sometimes when you meet people, there’s a spark.If he’s 1000 miles from me and he feels a connection with someone, I just don’t feel right about denying him the opportunity to explore that connection just because of a court document hanging on our wall.

Two years ago I was at a convention and I met someone, and felt a very strong attraction to him.I usually don’t get knocked over all at once like that.Nothing happened, but it definitely could have.I’ve since realized that I’d like to explore the idea of an open marriage with my husband.

The problem is, he’s not at all interested.I’ve tried dropping hints, but how do you drop hints about that?I don’t want to hurt my husband’s feelings, but I also don’t want either of us to feel like our marriage is some kind of criminal sentence, with “special privileges” denied.I think an outright “I propose these rules” kind of talk will only hurt him.

I love him very much, and I want to stay married to him for the rest of my life.But I also trust him to be safe, and to come back home to me.I’d like the same.Am I crazy?

Sincerely,
Closed Marriage

Dear Closed,

Crazy, I don’t know.Not to want an open marriage, necessarily; that isn’t my bag, that more fluid approach to fidelity, but it does work for some people.But to want it when it’s not something your husband wants…it’s not “crazy,” exactly, but it’s not a realistic hope, either.

It isn’t anyone’s fault that the two of you didn’t get on the same page with this before you got married — because why would you, really.I think you didn’t see this as a prospective issue until you found out about his fling in New York.But the problem is, now you do know how you feel about this, and you have to reconcile it with the marriage you have.

Your first job is to decide for yourself how badly you want this kind of openness — whether you would really chafe under the more traditional idea of fidelity that you think your husband wants, whether you can go with the fact that he cheated on you but doesn’t want to give you permission to be with other men.The next thing to do is to discuss this frankly with your husband.Tell him what you’ve been thinking about, not in a ground-rules kind of way, but what you just told me.You’re thinking about this, you’ve realized that his lapse didn’t bother you, you’d like to re-examine your shared (or not) ideas of what fidelity means in that light.Listen to his responses — what does he really think of it?What’s the comfort level?

This is not a small adjustment you’re asking him to make.If an open marriage is not something he feels comfortable with — even if he pretends to go along with it because he feels that it’s “only fair” — it’s going to poison the well.The two of you need to be truthful with each other about what you want and what you’d be willing to try.

But you have to have the conversation with yourself first — what’s more important to you, this freedom, or the marriage?How far do you want to press the point?If he reacts poorly, what is your strategy — ask for a divorce? suggest counseling? drop it and leave it in your fantasies?

I don’t think you’re crazy; I do think there may be an incompatibility here and it’s something you need to address with yourself and make choices about for yourself before you bring it out into the light of the relationship.Because once you tell him that this is something you want, he…can’t be un-told.

[10/5/06]

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