Sars —

I’m writing with regard to the letter from the person who was worried that she was going to end up doing all the chores like her mother even though her boyfriend was willing to share the work.I, too, live with a partner who wants things to be fair but who (from my perspective) doesn’t hold up his end of the clothes line.Our solution, which has worked out pretty well, is the 15 Minute Rule.

Every few days or so, we have a 15-minute session where we both clean like mad — dishes, floors, bathrooms, whatever.We talk about what we’re going to do first so that we don’t overlap, and the rule is that we have to clean the whole entire time (no slacking or “just watching this one thing” on TV — straight-up, hardcore, real cleaning), and then we stop.You’d be surprised how much can get done in 15 minutes — whole rooms, including vacuuming sometimes.And sometimes, on the weekend, we’ll do an hour of this to get the dust bunnies and whatever.I found that this keeps the arguing and resentment to a minimum (although he still won’t put his dishes in the damn dishwasher) because I can see him contributing to the work and get instant results, and it keeps the house clean enough that we can both deal.

Just a suggestion

Dear Sug,

Great idea — you both spend the same amount of time, there’s an end in sight, and once it’s done, it’s done and you can think about something else.

Dear Sars,

I will be moving home in a few months to save money for a year before I decide what to do with school in the future. It seems to be a fair arrangement — I’ll get to live at home, I’ll pay for my expenses, and my mother and stepfather will get to travel more often, since I can watch the house and the cats. My grandmother lives in a basement apartment, and it will be good to have another person around since she’s not in the best of health. I already have a regular job. Everyone involved is fine with the plans.

My problem is kind of weird. It’s my uncle, who my stepfather refers to as “Uncle Psycho.”Besides being arrogant, a liar, and an alcoholic, he’s also wildly inappropriate. When he moved back to the area when I was three years old, my mother and my aunt (not Uncle’s wife; he doesn’t have one) vowed never to leave us children alone with him. You see, he had been making sexual comments about us. But when we got to be older, Mom figured we could handle ourselves, and then began the inappropriate touching. He never molested us, because we were capable of getting away from him and I don’t think he’s a pedophile; he just views everyone as a possible sexual partner. This includes my mother, his own sister. So there were lots of declarations of love, repeated hugging and kissing, comments on our bodies, and graphic sexual talk. This has continued to the present day — my sister moved out of our mother’s house partly because my uncle was repeatedly calling her and commenting on her ass. At one point, while my sister was in the room, he said to our stepfather, “You know, she’s not really your daughter.”

So, this brings me to the real issue: my uncle is always at my mother’s house. He’s supposed to come over once a week to have dinner with my grandmother. He does this, and then comes upstairs and drinks all night at our house. He also shows up unannounced at least two other times a week. When he comes over, he just walks right through the front door and heads to the liquor cabinet or the kitchen. He doesn’t have cable at his own house, so a lot of times he comes over when he thinks my parents are asleep or not at home just to watch TV. He comes over to tan and walks around in a Speedo. Or he showers and walks around naked. I house-sat for my mother last year and he came over twice without calling, once at two in the morning when I was asleep. It freaked me out.

Sometimes he leaves delusional messages on our answering machine — once he claimed that the FBI was accusing him of molesting and killing children. Another time he told us he was going to get a gun and sleep in his car so he could confront a guy about a dispute over a parking space. A few times when sleeping over at my mother’s he has come into my bedroom when I was asleep and hopped into my bed to hug me. And kiss my ear. Gross. Oh, yeah, he also likes to pee in our glasses and in our kitchen sink. He’s been warned but keeps doing it, a few months ago in front of my sister.

Uncle hates me, because I’m pretty obvious about my disgust for him, but he’ll still act crazy if I show him any kindness. I was nice to him on Christmas Eve because of the holiday and because I was drunk, and he started tickling me after everyone had gone home and would not stop. So I get his rudeness and hatred and his creepiness. My mother sometimes gets fed up with him and tells him not to come over, but he always returns within a few weeks. She sort of “forgets” about the creepy things he’s done in the past, because she hates thinking about it. Mom says that she can’t just cut off contact with him, because he’s her brother. I understand this, even though the first time any sibling of mine ever suggested oral sex to me would be the last conversation with that sibling for a long time. I’m also sensitive to the fact that he has mental health issues (he’s had a hard time finding drugs that work for him). But I know that his constant presence annoys her and particularly my stepfather, who hates him as much as I do. Mom sometimes tells me that she feels guilty that Uncle comes over so often and acts like such a complete dick because it forces Stepdad to deal with him.

So, should I say anything? It’s not my house, but I feel like my mother would love to see less of Uncle if she wouldn’t feel so guilty about telling him this. I don’t love the idea of constantly dealing with a crazy relative who hates me but wouldn’t mind having sex with me. I’d be willing to tell him myself to stop coming over all the time, or at least to call first. Do you think I should just try to find a bunch of roommates to avoid the situation and save money that way? Paying my way through my last few years of college has left me pretty broke. Or do you think I’m making a big deal out of nothing? He’s never forced me to do anything. He just makes me feel so uneasy.

Psycho’s Niece

Dear Niece,

You’re…kidding me, right?You can’t live there, not if he’s allowed to come over all the time and PEE IN THE FUCKING SINK.Neither your mother nor your stepfather will insist that your uncle follow certain basic rules in their OWN HOME — like NOT PEEING IN THE FUCKING SINK — even when he’s making their kids uncomfortable because he WANTS TO FUCK THEM.

You can’t live there.Furthermore, you need to bitch your mother out for tolerating his crap at the expense of everyone else who’s ever at the house, and tell her that you love her, but you won’t come over if he’s going to be there, and if he shows up while you’re there, you’ll leave.Compassion for the mentally ill is fine, but this is beyond; it’s time to give your mom some consequences for choosing to enable his fucked up behavior over the mental well-being of, literally, everyone else in the family.

Sars,

Work with a gal for about 4-5 years — not intimate friends, but definitely work friends.We decided a few years ago to “share” a membership to one of those warehouse-type stores.Membership is about fifty bucks and it seemed like a great idea to only have to pay half of that.Not breaking the bank, but still, twenty-five bucks is twenty-five bucks.

First year went okay, we both went down and worker friend (WF) gave me a check that same day.No problemo.Second year, I was out of town on business and then some vacation time when the membership came due.WF paid the membership and I gave her a check as soon as I got back into work.Third year, membership comes due and I pay well before the 30-day grace.No big deal.Send a quick little email to WF and let her know that we are paid up for another year and that she will probably need a new card because the accounting numbers had changed.No response.

This was in July!!!

So, now I am curious how to proceed given the work environment.As I had said before, she is a “work friend” who is very nice and would hate to upset that.Plus, she does do extra-nice things like send me hand-me-downs from her daughter to mine (really good shape, I might add) and brings in produce from her garden and the like.I have reminded her via email twice and really feel embarrassed to do anything more because of all of her nice gestures.BUT…she did enter this agreement with me and she does owe this money to me for her half of the membership.Did I also mention that she is a single mother?

Part of me is feeling like a heel because it’s not like I need the money, but the other part of me says, “But this is what she owes me.”What would you do?Would you not sweat it, consider it your good karma for paying and continue to accept the free tomatoes for your salad — or would you threaten to take away her part of the membership for not paying and live without the tomatoes and hand-me-downs?

Thanks,
Confused worker bee…

Dear Bee,

Well, emails get lost and/or overlooked sometimes, and maybe she keeps meaning to tell you she doesn’t want her half of the membership anymore but it keeps slipping her mind…it’s not quite as big a peace-talks deal as you’re making it.Just go over to her cube, remind her that the membership is paid for and she owes her half still, and add that, if she doesn’t feel like partnering on it anymore, no big deal, but she needs to let you know either way.

If she gets pissy or decides to withhold tomatoes, well, that’s her own business, but she did say she wanted to do this, and she needs to either change her mind or pay the money.Ask her in person which it is.

Sars —

I’m on the outside of a crappy situation and I’m not sure how to be a
supportive friend.

Last weekend, my best friend N informed me that she was worried about our
mutual friend K.K, who is normally super-upbeat, apparently spent
the better part of Saturday night moping, like something was seriously
wrong. When K asked what was wrong, N replied that it was family stuff
that he couldn’t talk about, but he would tell her when he could.

Though all three of us are part of a pretty tight group, K and I are
somewhat closer than K and N. I called K that night, just to talk, and
generically let him know that if he needed me, he could call anytime.
He didn’t say anything, and it was much more important to me that he
know that he had people he could call if he needed to than for me to
know what was going on. I dropped it.

Last night, K called me just to talk, which is a little unusual for
him but not unheard of. We talked for a while, just shooting the
breeze, and then he dropped the bomb: his dad, who he is close to, has
cancer. K then told me that his dad was having surgery (which was this
morning) and they think they caught it early enough. K then asked
me to pray for his dad, which I told him I would do (and did, without
hesitation). I told K to feel free to lean on me for whatever,
whenever.

He says he’s okay now, that he’s more worried about his younger
brother who doesn’t seem to be dealing with the situation at all (K is
17, said brother is 15). They won’t know if the surgery was sucessful
for a while, so there isn’t much to do except pray and wait.

Here’s my
question: how do I support K without putting any more pressure on him?
I’m absolutely willing to do anything I can, but I haven’t a clue what
would be helpful. I cannot imagine what he must be going through right
now. K’s dad apparently doesn’t want people to know, and I don’t think
K has told any of our other friends. This is a situation I’m
completely inexperienced with handling, and since I can’t exactly turn
to anyone here for advice without breaking a trust that isn’t mine to
break, I’m hoping for some of your sage advice.

Confused Confidante

Dear Con-Con,

I think you’re already handling it fine; you’ve let K know you’re there if he needs you, but it sounds like he and his family are really private about this kind of thing, so there’s not much else you can do.

Call and check in from time to time; you don’t have to say anything in particular about his dad, just call and keep your hand in.K doesn’t expect you to know what to say, or to do anything in particular, really; he just needs to know that you’re available if he needs you (or leaving him be, if that’s what he needs).

Nobody really knows how to deal in these situations, because everyone’s different; you’re trying your best to be a good friend, so you’ll be fine.

Sars,

I read TN every week, but I must admit that I do not read The Vine
regularly, and therefore I apologise if you’ve answered similar questions
before.Mine is a two-parter.

The story is this: I went back to college at 30 after saying for years that
I would but thinking that I probably would not because when it comes to the
Seven Deadly Sins, Sloth is near the very top of my list.I’m graduating
with honours in December, so naturally I’m quite keen on having a bash to
celebrate.My aunt has generously offered her home as the venue, and as
she is my mother’s sister, my mother has been quite involved in the
planning.Her family makes up a large amount of the guest list.

The problem is inviting my father.My parents divorced 25 years ago, and
though my mother’s family remains quite friendly with him, he married a
complete psychopath, known as my stepmonster, not long after the
divorce.The fact that I don’t like her is not really an issue, as I’ve
become quite adept at ignoring her over the years.The problem is that she
and my mother have never actually met, and when I brought this to her
attention during one of her rants about how much she dislikes my mother,
she said, “And if I ever do meet your mother, your mother will be
dead.”So you see, my referring to her as a psychopath is not based on her
simply being my stepmother, i.e. not my mother.Also in her repertoire:
“Your father will never leave me because he knows I will kill him if he
does.”

She’s a complete nutter, so clearly I do not want her anywhere near the
party.I do not fret that she will actually commit murder, or even assault
anyone, but her mouth gets away from her, and I do not want the evening
ruined for anyone (especially me).My father is not blind — he’s quite
aware that his wife has no social graces, and that having the two women in
the same building would be a bad idea.Is it acceptable to invite him on
the proviso that he leaves her at home, or should I just not mention it to
him?He knows I’m graduating and traveling home for the event, so I may
have to discuss it with him anyway.

Part two of the question is simple: I don’t want anyone to feel they must
bring gifts.The party is going to take place about a week before
Christmas, when I know everyone will be tapped out.As I mentioned, I will
be traveling to the festivities, so carrying home a lot of swag will be
difficult.Is it acceptable to print something corny on the invitations
like, “Your presence is your gift”?I don’t want to seem presumptuous, but
I don’t want people to skip it because they feel obligated to buy me
something.How would you go about politely suggesting no gifts for the
occasion?

Thanks in advance,
Conflicted Over Commencement

Dear Comm,

Part one: Well, there’s aware, and then there’s aware.Has your father actually said, more or less in so many words, “I know my wife has no social graces and that that fact causes problems”?If he has, then maybe it’s okay to tell him, “Look, I’d love to see you there but the beastie has to stay home.”But if he hasn’t, and if you don’t think you can count on him to figure out that, if your mom’s attending, your stepmom shouldn’t?Just don’t invite him.If he finds out and feels excluded, that will suck, but having to worry about, and possibly deal with, a dust-up between your mom and your stepmom is probably worse.

Part two: Just put the words “no gifts, please” on the invitation, or a line saying that in lieu of gifts you’d appreciate guests donating to your favorite charity.Some people will just ignore that and bring gifts anyway, though, so bring a duffel bag.

[10/6/05]

Share!