Sars —

I wanted to write to respond to “Bewildered Friend” whose friend
suddenly and unexpectedly lost her mother.I am 24 years old.Six weeks
and six days ago, my father died of a massive heart attack.He was in
perfect health.He was 56.He was everything in my family, and his
death is a loss that I am only now beginning to comprehend.I think I
can give some advice that may help Bewildered help her friend.

In my experience, you are right to say that Clarissa will need her
friend most in a few weeks — the numbness will begin to wear off, and
that’s when most of the family and friends that have surrounded her
will (rightfully so) go back to their own lives.When I was in this
initial stage of disbelief, having my friends around me, physically or
emotionally, was so helpful, even if I didn’t sit with them or talk
with them.Clarissa, apart from being emotionally destroyed, is
probably also very busy.Personally, I was grateful to my friends who
hung out around my house, did the chores that needed to be done, ran
errands, picked up relatives at the airport, and — I still don’t know
how they did this — were able to tactfully understand when to leave.

In the long term, it is great that you are willing to be there for
Clarissa, but I find it much more helpful when someone offers something
specific: “I’m going to take you hiking this weekend” or “I brought two
movie passes — pick a show, and I’m buying the popcorn” or “Why don’t I
make that long drive to Baltimore/Syracuse/Whereverville with you?”
Even if I am busy this weekend, or want to take the drive myself, it’s
easier to ask for a different specific favor when you’ve been offered
one in the first place, if that makes any sense.Check in often, but
she may want to keep phone calls brief — I’ve been physically exhausted
for the past month and a half.Maybe none of this will apply to
Clarissa, who, I imagine, is a totally different person than I am, but
these are things you might want to look out for.

In a sense, “fixing” is what Clarissa may need; you can’t fix the hole
in her family, but you can help to make it easier for her to begin what
they tell me will be a long, hellish process towards being okay
someday.I think it’s a question of being flexible, being observant,
and being as gently helpful as possible.Good luck.

If I Hear “Just Put One
Foot In Front of the Other” One More Time…

Dear Hear,

Thank you for your input — and I’m so sorry about your father.

I think another big thing to keep in mind, which a few other readers mentioned too, is not to worry overly about inadvertently upsetting a friend who’s grieving.I mean, worry about it a little, but if, say, your friend’s father has passed on, you can still talk about your own dad; just keep your antenna up.If she’s getting upset, you can offer to change the subject — but maybe she wants to reminisce about Dad, and you can roll with it either way.Many people just avoid the recently bereft because they fear saying the wrong thing, but as my own very-much-still-alive dad once told me, “When in doubt, be there.”

Dear Sars,

I’m getting married this year to a terrific guy,
we’re very blessed and everything’s peachy there.However, my
engagement has raised what I think is an interesting grammatical
question.

His last name ends with an X.Let’s pretend it’s “Boudreaux.”How
does one pluralize this name?I was writing an email to my mom the
other day and wanted to add something about my future in-laws.Would
I write, “We had dinner with the Boudreauxs last night,” or “We had
dinner with the Boudreauxes last night?”They both look strange.I
took some French in college and realize that words that end in the
letter X are usually plural — un chateau, deux chateaux — but since
we’re speaking English, “We had dinner with the Boudreaux last night”
looks like one person, as though you’re saying “We had dinner with
the Chipster last night.”

Since I’m changing my name when I marry, I know this will come up
more than once when I become one of them (see, there’s another
opportunity to use the pluralized name, and instead I had to resort
to making their fine family sound like giant mutant ants).I’ve
asked his family and they don’t seem to know or care; they’ve
probably never thought about it.So, without having to resort to
something lengthy such as “Mr. and Mrs. Boudreaux” or “the Boudreaux
family,” what do you suggest?

Thanks,
It Would Be Easier to Change My Name to “Mrs. Freedom”

P.S. The use of “impact” as a verb always makes me think of bowels —
another reason to avoid it.

Dear Easier,

I’ve got to cast my vote with “Mrs. Giant Mutant Ant.”That shit is cool, man.

No?Okay, then.Alas, English doesn’t function like the Romance languages, where a family is known as, for instance, Los Bunting.On the plus side, rules in English for the pluralization of proper names exist primarily to indicate their pronunciation, which makes it a pretty easy guideline to follow.Names like “Travis” and, more pertinent to your question, “Willcox” are pluralized with “-es” instead of just “s”; it tells you, or your reader, how to say it out loud.

A silent X, though, is silent, and while “Boudreauxs” might look odd, I think it’s correct — if the X is in fact silent.If it’s not, or if the singular is pronounced “Boo-drohz” (which you do run across on occasion with Southern and/or Cajun names), then “Boudreauxes” is correct.

The crack for this is an S sound at the end of the singular; if you hear one, you need “-es,” and if you don’t, you don’t.

Hope that helps; if you’re still at a loss, start snooping through his parents’ mail for things addressed to them both and see how other people spell it.

Oh Great, All-Knowing Sars,

I need help in an area in which I know you are more than qualified to dispense advice.My question is simple.How do I become a web diva?

I’m looking for an outlet for my inner writer and am considering starting a blog.I think I have a way of writing about my boring life that makes it seem far more interesting than it actually is, and I have a talent for making people laugh through my sarcastic, bitchy sense of humor.Not surprisingly, I would like to share these gifts with world (I mean, it seems a tragedy that any single person on the planet should go without a glimpse into my overworked, slightly twisted brain!), but am at a loss as to how I actually get people to read it.Where should I begin?Any words of wisdom from someone who’s been there would be greatly appreciated!

Wannabe Internet Princess

Dear Wannabe,

The single most important thing you can do for yourself in this regard is to set yourself a realistic schedule, and to stick to it.Getting readers is one thing, but you have to give them something new to read, regularly, or you won’t keep them.People don’t keep coming to Tomato Nation because they know they can expect a Pulitzer-level essay every single week.They keep coming because they know they can expect an essay of some sort every single week.A diva attitude can work for you; a diva work ethic won’t.

So, you have to publish regularly, and you have to understand that that could take a while for you to have more readers than you do toes, and you have to keep doing it anyway.Not that you think you’ll get famous right away or anything, but…yeah.It takes time.It’s taken me six years.

You can join web rings and enter listings into search engines and ask other bloggers to link to you and all that good stuff — that’ll get you readers, sure.But what’s really going to get you readers is giving them something to read, on a timetable.

Oh, one more thing: If you don’t really know design, don’t design.Simple is best.Put your content in readable format with an easy-to-use navigation.Internet readers don’t have the patience for an irritating font and/or no carriage returns.

Dear Sars,

I hope that you or your readers can give me any advice you have.I know you usually say not to meddle in other people’s relationships, but my roommate’s boyfriend is an abusive control freak.He has shoved her, called her names, refused to let her go out with her friends or let her go out with them alone, screams at her if she makes a decision without consulting him (such as when she told him she and I were going to be roommates), thrown things at her, physically forced his prescription drugs down her throat, and harassed her until she has sex with him.He also does these things with his sister and friends.His sister stopped having anything to do with him for a while after he got drunk and trashed her apartment, and he has twice gotten into fistfights with his best friend.

My roommate is a wonderful, smart, funny, beautiful woman with absolutely no self-esteem.This is how her dad treated her mom until he finally left.She told this to the abusive jerk, and he got mad at her for comparing him to her father.She is 26 and this is her first boyfriend ever.They were together for three and a half years so she doesn’t have anything to compare it to and say this isn’t right.The last year and a half, he was unemployed and living with his parents so he practically moved into our house.I finally told her he needed to go home; this pissed him off but I don’t care if he hates me.Then one day he tried to force his way into the house.I threw him out, told both of them if he was ever in the house again I would call the police, and stopped having to directly put up with him.

A couple of weeks later he got pissed that he wasn’t allowed in our house (he wanted to have sex, which she has told him she doesn’t like at all but why would her opinion matter), blamed my roommate for taking my side about him staying out of our house, and broke up with her.For the next couple of weeks he would call just to tell her how miserable she made his life, he was glad to be rid of her and how often he had cheated on their relationship.A month after that he decided he wanted her back.She said that she needed time to think.Then a month ago, seven months after they broke up, they got back together because he got a job and that was really the problem with the relationship according to her, and she loves him.In that month, she has already come home in tears twice that I have seen.

I have tried to get her to talk to a domestic violence counselor, but because he hasn’t punched her, she doesn’t think its abuse.I told her that I have been in bad relationships, but nothing ever this bad.She has only two other girlfriends in town, Abusive Jerk’s sister and a friend from work.The friend from work told her that she agreed with me that his behavior is abusive.The sister admits he has problems but isn’t taking sides.I just don’t know what to do.I can’t sleep until she comes home at night, because tonight might be the night he loses it and hurts her.I actually have devised an escape plan and worked it out with people that Abusive Jerk doesn’t know, who will hide us if he does hurt her.I say “us” because he will come to the house, and while I will fight back, I would prefer for that never to happen.The two times she has come home crying have been in the past week, which means the buildup is coming.It takes about a month for it to get progressively worse and then there is a really bad blowup, he cools down, apologizes and we start the process over again.

My boyfriend and friends are all scared for me, but I hate to leave.One, I have a lease.Two, my job might be cut due to layoffs so not the best time to move.Three, the most important reason, I couldn’t leave her alone — he will destroy her and no one would ever know.I am not too concerned for my safety just because he seems to prefer people who don’t fight back, which he knows isn’t me.I get upset at her for putting me in this situation, but since I haven’t left, I guess I’m the one keeping me here.If she was abusing alcohol or drugs I could leave her alone, but I’m terrified he will kill her one day and by then he would have gotten enough control over her that none of us would even know.Maybe I’m being melodramatic, but he has me that scared for her safety.

So, after all this rambling, my question is: Is there anything I can do?Do I call an intervention with her friend from work and plead with her until she sees how horrible this situation is?Do I leave and hope she is okay?Do I confront him?Or do I just sit and wait and hope for the best and be prepared for the worst?

Signed,
Desperately seeking advice

Dear Desperate,

Yes, I ordinarily advise that petitioners for advice not meddle in the relationships or business of others — unless those others are in, or are about to cause, physical danger, and I think your instincts here are right on.The guy is abusive, and these situations often escalate with tragic results.

With that said…I know you care about your friend, and I want to commend you for putting your foot down with Abusive Jerk up to this point, because you did the right thing barring him from the house and you should continue to do that.But you have to get out of there, because if he does decide that the way to keep her in line is taking it to the next level (with a gun, with a posse of abusive-jerk friends, whatever), don’t think you’ll get out unharmed.Again, I know you don’t want to leave her there alone, but you can’t very well protect her if the guy has put you in the hospital.Enlist your family’s help, or your boyfriend’s, or your other friends’, and make other living arrangements as soon as you can.Get out.

When you go, let your friend know that the guy is a sociopath, that you fear for her safety, that you don’t want to see her get hurt, and that you beg her to dump him and move house and change her phone number now, while she still can.Get her work friend to back you up.Tell her that she can call you any time, no questions asked, and you will get her back.Tell her that you really don’t want to leave her to deal with it on her own, and that moving out doesn’t mean you care about her any less, but that Abusive Jerk is threatening your safety too; strongly suggest that she realize what that means, namely that he’s scary and a fuckwad.

And if you do see or hear that he has shoved her, hit her, menaced or harassed her whatever, call the cops on him.Get them to start a file on the guy; it’s probably already open.Document everything that’s gone on and keep the documentation in a safe place.

But first and foremost, get out of there yourself.Your commitment to your friend is honorable, but it’s also dangerous, and if she really does not get that the guy is a worthless piece of shit, the only thing you can do is offer her your unqualified support and then physically remove yourself from the situation — and you should do that now.

Hi Sars —

A short and sweet question for the only grammar authority I know: Is the phrase “living vicariously through” grammatically/stylistically
incorrect?It’s inarguably redundant, but I’m unsure of a better way
to phrase “living vicariously through my unmarried friend.”

Thanks,
Superna

Dear Celestial,

“Inarguably,” eh?Careful.When it comes to usage, it’s always arguable.Unfortunately.

It’s not incorrect, as far as I know; it’s accepted usage (although the 11C has no note on “through”).It is somewhat redundant — “living through” is what “vicarious” means, pretty much — but you could argue that “to live through” doesn’t necessarily imply a metaphorical interpretation, if that makes any sense (in other words, the “vicariously” differentiates it from, say, your spirit possessing your friend).

Yeah, I didn’t really follow that either.Try “my unmarried friend’s adventures allow me to live vicariously,” or something to that effect.

[10/7/03]

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