Hi Sars,

I’ve been following your site for a while, and the recent increase of Vines concerning relationships made me decide to send along my own problem.

Here’s the thing: A few months ago, my friend started going out with this guy (a mutual friend), and she’s crazy about him.She talks about him all the time, and whenever she does, she always gets this huge smile on her face.It’s very cute to see.Or it would be, if it weren’t for what her boyfriend told me in secret about a month ago.He thinks she’s obsessed with the idea of having a boyfriend (any guy, not just him), and it’s creeping him out.Although he likes her a lot, and he really doesn’t want to hurt her, he told me he’d prefer being single just now.

Fast-forward a couple of weeks.They have now progressed physically, so to speak, and now I’m in a dilemma.The thought that my friend is getting so involved with someone who may not be recipocating her feelings is troubling me.So far, I’ve kept my mouth shut because I don’t think it’s right for someone on the outside to get involved in something like this.However, recently, I’ve come to realize that the guy still has feelings for a girl he went out with before my friend (they broke up, but there’s unresolved issues).

Should I give my friend a heads-up?Should I say something to the guy about this?I was in a relationship where something like this happened, too, and it took a while to get over.I really think she likes him much more than he likes her.I don’t know if the current situation warrants an intervention on my part, or would it just be nosy?Please help!

Reluctant to intervene

Dear Reluctant,

Ouch.Tough call.And you know what’s really gross about the situation?It’s not just that you find yourself in the middle here.It’s that your friend’s boyfriend put you there, on purpose, probably hoping that you’d report back to your friend and take him off the hook for the dirty work while you as the messenger winding up getting shot.

You can do one of two things.You can track the guy down and tell him in no uncertain terms that you don’t appreciate his putting you in this position, and follow that up by informing him that he’s got one week to come clean to your friend about what he told you, or you’ll do it for him.Get up and fire one last shot across his bow: “If you want to act like a seventh grader, that’s your affair, but you will not drag me down to your level again.”Stomp off.Wait a week.If he’s said nothing, sit your friend down and tell her, as gently as you can manage (i.e. don’t use the locution “creeping him out”), what he told you.Stress that you told the guy to talk to her himself, and that she should in turn talk to him about it; stress also that you don’t judge her, whatever she decides to do about it, and that you’ll understand if she’s angry with you at first, and that you want to support her if the relationship ends badly.

Your other option is to remain completely silent, forever — don’t bring it up, don’t admit you saw it coming if/when they break up, don’t discuss it with the boyfriend again — in the belief that ignorance is bliss.

Either way, I think you should make it icily clear to the guy that if he’s having issues with his relationship with your friend, you do not want to hear about it, because you do not live in an epistolary novel.

Dear Ms. Bunting,

I really admire the advice you give, and I agree with most of it, so I thought you might be able to help me.See, my boyfriend and I have been going out for six months and before that were very close friends, so we get along great.However, he’s Buddhist and I’m a Christian, which is okay between us, as we’ve talked about the issue several times.However, he has recently been questioning his faith and has come to church with me for the last few weeks, just to see what my religion is about.The problem is this: several of his friends have accused me of a You-Can’t-Date-Me-If-You’re-Not-Christian attitude, and his parents have become icy towards me ever since he mentioned that he had attended my church.His father teaches several of my classes, so it’s not as though I can avoid the situation, either.This whole thing is really causing my boyfriend and me trouble, so if you could just give some advice as to how to handle the comments and, to some extent, slander (on both our reputations).This has been happening for about a month, and it’s really annoying. Neither of us cares about the difference in our religions, so why should someone else make such a big deal of it?

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

I think this falls under the aegis of “never complain, never explain.”If his friends get in your face, shrug it off.”Talk to him about it; I didn’t force him to go,” and change the subject.”His religion is his affair, my religion is mine,” and change the subject.Don’t engage them.Because it isn’t about religion per se.It’s about what they perceive as your undue influence on your boyfriend.

People think what they want to think.If your boyfriend’s friends want to think that you control your boyfriend, tell him what to do and what to think, have a rigid view of interdenominational relationships, whatever — well, then they’ll think that, no matter what you do.And that’s their immaturity, not yours, so don’t play into it if you can help it.

The father situation is unfortunate, and you might have to address that more directly.Stop into his office if you have a minute and ask to speak with him privately; let him know that you don’t want to make his son go against his upbringing or anything, but if his son wants to go to church with you, that’s his choice, and you hope that his father can understand that, deal with his son on that issue, and not think less of you as a result.If he’s not receptive, at least you tried.

Again, though, it’s not about the Christianity.It’s that they don’t want to share him, and it’s not really up to you to enable their babyishness, so ignore it as best you can.

Hello,

I’m going to start this off straight up: this girl I’ve known since before kindergarten and I had been flirting around the entire year, doing basically everything except dating.She was having problems with this guy who insisted on harassing her and telling everyone she knows (and even people she didn’t know) that they were dating and how bad he wanted to fuck her and he wanted her to have his kids, that kind of shit.She comes to me and tells me how much she loathes this pathetic puss and that seemed to bring us even closer together.

Then, last weekend, I was out of town from Sunday-Tuesday and when I walked into our class on Wednesday, she pulled me aside and said, “Hey, you’re never going to believe this.This is so funny and weird but So-And-So and I are dating.After all we’ve been through.” I had to rewind and make sure I heard right.She was dating the prick who had been putting her through hell for almost a year?So, I just smiled and said a simple “Wow” and went on my way.We’re still close and will no doubt remain so.I don’t want to lose my friendship with her over this. But on the flipside, I’m not sure I can respect her anymore after this. This guy was known for having beat up a former girlfriend, so I’m rather worried about her situation.

As for the history between us, I’ve been close with her family, like I said, since kindergarten.Her brother and I have gone through our entire school experience together (she’s around a year-and-a-half younger than me) and her parents, her mother especially, are two of the kindest people I know.

I guess my question is this: what do I do around her now?Do I tell her what I think of this asshole and her being together (she’s from an Indian family, and they’re not very keen on dating anyway, so she won’t tell anyone in her family about it)?Or do I just keep my feelings to myself and continue being supportive?This whole thing came completely out of the blue, as I thought we had a real chance at forming a relationship, but now it’s not even about that.Now it’s about whether or not this guy is good for her.

Thanks in advance,
King of the Unknowing

Dear King,

Well, she’s young.She probably thinks that kind of thing is romantic and exciting.I did too, back in the day.Then I got a life.

There’s really nothing you can do.She knows how you feel about the guy, no doubt; no need to get into it again.Just remain supportive if you can and keep an eye on the situation — if he beat up another girl, he’s likely to get rough with your friend, and you might impress upon her that 1) she absolutely should not and does not need to put up with that crap, and that 2) if the guy starts in with that crap, she should call you if she needs you or if she feels unsafe.

(And the readership can spare me the “HE HAS TO GET HER OUT OF THERE NOW — THE GUY’S ABUSIVE” letters this time out, okay?I understand that it’s a concern, but that’s not what the letter asked me.Okay, thanks.)

Anyway.I have to wonder about the girl, frankly.She’s getting close to you, she’s getting even closer to you…she’s going out with the asshole now?And she tells you about it all “check it out” like it’s a good bit of gossip about a third party?That’s kind of self-absorbed of her.I mean, yeah, look out for her if you think the guy might hurt her…but it’s not like she really looked out for you in this thing, emotionally speaking, so you might want to think about distancing yourself a little bit in that department.

Dear Sars,

I’ve finally realized, after several months of bitching, moaning, crying, and soul-searching, that it’s time for me to break up with my boyfriend of over two years.I’ve realized that he’s never going to accept me for who I am, or help me follow my dreams.I’ve realized that although he says he wants to change, he never does, and I’m tired of him guilt-tripping me.

Still, I loathe the idea of hurting him, because he has been there for me in so many ways (my last relationship was a physically abusive one, and he has helped me survive it), and because he is a good person.I still love him, but it’s platonic love, not amorous.How can I tell him, without going into specifics, that I don’t think we’re compatible any more? That I’m not the person I want to be when I am around him, and that I feel that he’s too insecure to be a good mate?I know that he and I will probably never be friends again, but how can I explain that?

We dated once before, and when we got back in touch after a few years, he was constantly pushing the boundaries between friends and lovers.How can I explain these things so that he doesn’t feel like a terrible person, because he’s not?How can I do this as painlessly as possible?Should I do it somewhere in public so that he won’t make a scene?Or privately somewhere, so that we can both cry without getting odd looks?I need to do this, I just want to do it gently and as painlessly as possible.Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely yours,
Clueless in Texas

Dear Clueless,

There’s no easy, painless way to do it.You just have to do it and get it over with so that both of you can start getting past it.

Tell him what you’ve told me.You can soften it or not, but it’s a break-up, so you might as well tell him the truth.”I just don’t love you anymore, except in a friendly, platonic way.You don’t support me, you don’t encourage me, and I don’t believe you ever will, and I don’t want to hurt you but there’s no solution to this except to end it.So that’s what I’m doing.I care about you, but this isn’t working for me.”He’s probably going to ask why, and you’ll probably have to tell him.It’s going to suck, but there’s nothing for it.If you want out, you want out, and it’s going to come at a price, but that price won’t go down if you wait around.Just do it.

But don’t do it in public to avoid a scene.That’s a dick move.If he wants to make a scene, he’s got the right; I sympathize with you here, but it’s not going to help, so just grit your teeth and get through the conversation.

[10/8/01]

Share!