Being that you’ve got a serious amount of experience with journalism, the web, web journalism, et cetera, I was hoping you could lend some advice on something that’s got me and several of my friends pretty cheesed off.

These friends I speak of and I all attended the same high school. Back in July, we were all contacted by someone who had a few questions concerning a famous former classmate. I (as well as my friends) politely answered the person’s questions and went on my way.

A few weeks ago, I got another message from the person saying, “I put up a site about your town…check it out.” So I did. Sars, it’s a really strange website, full of all these stories about strange things happening in the town, most of which are entirely untrue or urban legend, and some of which have some truth to them but are missing important information. The general theme of this site is that my high school is a horrible, horrible place and there are only a few “survivors” who were smart enough and brave enough to stand up to the torture, yadda yadda yadda.

Not only that, I was quoted on the site. The first thing I did was email the person who created the site and requested that my name be completely removed from anything up there. I also recommended he/she do some fact-checking and be ready to back everything up. I also said that I thought the site paints a horribly inaccurate picture of life in the town…for chrissakes, the place I grew up in was practically Mayberry.

I got a reply that was a long rant about the evils of the vile and rotten kids of my hometown. Most traces of me were removed from the site. My friends have since seen this site and are as mad as I was when I first saw it. If we spent time researching every one of these “facts,” we could probably disprove them (and we have the time…a lot of us are in marketing and we’re all pretty bored). However, we have a feeling that any sort of reaction would have the expected effect of feeding this person’s apparent “crusade” to slander (and I don’t know if I am using the term correctly) our town.

Bottom line (after all that…): We’re frustrated. Thankfully, very few people actually know this site exists, but at the same time it’s still out there and it’s still telling lies about where we grew up and people we went to school with. Furthermore, we have no idea who this person is or why he/she is doing this. The only thing any of us do know is that he/she is, what’s the professional term…oh yeah, a fucking nutjob.

I know he/she has a right to post the website, but if we decided to do anything (we’re still debating if this is worth wasting our time on), is there an effective course of action we could take here (anything, whether it be the right email to send this person to get him/her to knock it off, or some sort of legal action, although that’s a bit extreme)? Any advice on avoiding crap like this in the future? You know, other than “look before answering strange emails”?

Thanks much,
Emailing The Vine at 12:50 in the morning. Now who’s the freak?

For starters, he/she doesn’t necessarily have “a right” to the post the website; the First Amendment and the doctrine of “fair use” end where copyrighted material, confidential information, and allegations that might prove harmful to the subjects begin, and if the content is libelous, yes, you have grounds for an action.

But what constitutes “libelous speech”? I don’t have a law degree, but in my experience with this kind of thing, you (as in any or all of the subjects of the site) would have to prove that the site’s assertions have cost you money or a job, caused you emotional distress, or otherwise harmed your reputation in a quantifiable way. In other words, “it’s embarrassing” is not good enough. “It got me fired” is, if you can prove it.

And proving it is, generally speaking, a nightmare, so I really wouldn’t advise tangling with the nutbar in any real way. If you emailed him or her and asked to have your name removed from the site, and he/she then removed it, it’s apparently as simple as that, and you should tell your classmates to try that first. You can also report the site to the ISP; some ISPs do require you to prove that your complaint does have legal basis, but you might look into that.

If that doesn’t work, a cease-and-desist request on law-firm letterhead is enough to cow most people — but honestly, unless it is truly interfering with anyone’s ability to get or keep work or whatever, you all should just leave it alone. Otherwise, it’s going to turn into that episode of Seinfeld with Kathy Griffin and the answering-machine messages; the woman obviously has a crazy beef of some sort, and paying it any mind only gives it credence.

And in the future, if a “journalist” emails you with a bunch of questions, ask him or her to give you a phone number at which you may call them back. That tends to weed out the real reporters from the shadeballs.

It bothers me whenever I hear someone say something like, “The reason she
dumped him was because he was an asshat.” No, it’s not the “asshat” part
I’m talking about, but the structure of the sentence: “The reason… because.” That irks me for some reason, and I don’t even know if my
concerns are valid. I keep mentally replacing “because” with “that” in
those instances, and it makes me feel better, but I still don’t know if that
is any better or if I made it worse.

I guess it would sound okay if the
example I gave were written, “She dumped him because he was an asshat,” but
I hear “the reason…because” too often to ignore it. What do you say
about this?

The Reason I Wrote Was Because I Had A Question

---

Dear Reason,

It sounds off to me, too. A reason is a “because”; it’s redundant, to my mind, and I believe that “that” is the correct substitute. But let’s look it up, just for kicks.

Aw. I love it when Garner backs me up almost verbatim:

[R]eason is because. This construction is loose, because reason implies because and vice versa. After reason is, you’ll need a noun phrase, a predicate adjective, or a clause introduced by that. The best cure for reason is because is to replace because with that…

After giving a few cringeworthy examples, Garner adds that “Variations such as reason is due to are no better,” and I would agree — and in fact I’d really like to give the phrase “due to” a time-out from the English language of at least five years, because I really don’t think most of the people who use it understand that it’s just a fancy way of saying “because.”

But enough about me. “Reason is because” isn’t incorrect, exactly; it’s just sloppy, but “reason is that” is a perfectly fine workaround. Use it in good health.

---

Hey Sars,

I think you’ve tackled this question fairly recently (or maybe before
then, or maybe several times), but I have to ask again, because I think my
problem is slightly different. Although only slightly, I will admit. Or
maybe I’m just kidding myself. Anyway.

I was using my boyfriend’s computer the other night. It was running slower
than ass, so I went in to clean out the cookies, and I’m sure you see
where this is going already. Cookies from half a dozen different porn
sites; no “underage babes” or “teen sluts,” thank God, but a lesbian site
here and there, with a couple standard-sounding site names as well. They
dated as far back as last year and were visited right up until the day I
was on the computer. So it’s late at night, he’s fast asleep, and I’m
sitting there thinking, “I feel like an idiot.” So what do I do?

Since I wasn’t snooping (i.e. actively looking to “catch him out”), it
feels like even more of a slap in the face. But I know I don’t actually
need to do anything about it. He’s a grown, sexual man, and even with as
much sex as we have, maybe it’s not enough for him. Maybe he’s seeking to
“relieve” himself in other ways.

But I have the typical insecurities about my body, and it’s only through
Boyfriend that I’ve begun to feel better about it, to feel that maybe a
few extra pounds and child-bearing hips can still be attractive to the
right guy. And maybe they are. But shouldn’t I feel just a little worried
that he tells me my body is beautiful, and then he’s checking out nipped and
tucked lesbians on the sly? I know you might say that a) I shouldn’t base
my self-worth on Boyfriend, which is true. I really don’t, although I do
feel more confidence sexually because of him; and possibly b) that just
because he’s attracted to the perfect porn star doesn’t mean he isn’t just
as attracted to me. Also true. I’m just not sure how to reconcile it with
myself.

We’ve never discussed pornography in great detail, although at times,
during other conversations, I have made reference to the fact that I,
personally, find pornography a turn-off and that it seems disrespectful to
me for a man to dabble in porn when he’s in a relationship. I may be too
puritanical about this, but I’m uncomfortable with the thought of a man
I’m with hanging out at strip clubs or watching a little porn on the side.
To be truthful, when I found the evidence he’d visited those sites, I felt
an overwhelming sense of disappointment. He’s human, he will sometimes do
things I don’t like or approve of, and I don’t expect perfection. Yet it
still disappointed me. I haven’t held back in the bedroom. I’ve been very
open with him sexually; is it somehow not enough?

What do you think I should do or say? Should I admit what I saw and tell
him it upset me? Should I say nothing and let him continue a so-far-relatively-harmless occupation? Most of all, should I stop believing that
he’s sexually attracted to me? I know what all the bloody Cosmo articles
say, but the thought of Boyfriend thinking of the perfect woman he saw on
some porn site while we’re having sex really upsets me.

Signed,
Prude, or Just Prudent? (You make the call.)

---

Dear Prudy,

Oh, The Porn Letter. Click on the link, scroll down, read my response, and come back.

Back? Okay. Yes, I do think you should talk to your boyfriend about what you found, but try to keep what I said a couple of months ago in mind. I know it’s hard not to take it personally and not to feel insecure about your body and your performance, but nine times out of ten, a guy’s use of porn has nothing to do with that — and yes, that can kind of sting too. It’s perfectly normal to feel taken aback by finding that sort of thing in Boyfriend’s cache.

But whenever you find yourself slipping into that “but I can’t give him that!” mode of thinking, remind yourself that he doesn’t expect you to, or think any less of you because he doesn’t come home to find you and your six best and boobiest friends imitating a Mobius strip on the waterbed every night. Again, it’s fantasy, and if he doesn’t act on it or rely on it, it’s only as big a deal as you make it — and he’ll probably tell you the same thing.

You certainly don’t have to share my comparatively laissez-faire attitude toward the use of porn, but said attitude will probably get you the most aggro-prevention bang for your buck. Um, so to speak.

---

Hey Sars!

This really isn’t a big deal, but I’m afraid I may have slightly screwed up
my karma.

Two days ago, my friends and I ordered some dinner to my apartment in NYC.
When the food arrived, the delivery man was sort of shouldering his way in
the door, which I thought odd, but I passed it off to him not being an
exceptional delivery guy. I gave him his money, and then he asked to use
the bathroom. There was definitely a look of urgency on his face, but I
come from the school of “better safe than sorry,” and I denied access to the
restroom.

I order take-out, on average, four times a week, and this has never happened
to me. I do not like the idea of a stranger in my home, especially
considering there’s a rapist on the loose in Chelsea (not that the delivery
guy fit the description, but you can’t be too careful). I also don’t like
the thought (and this is kind of gross) of a random delivery dude having an
“emergency” in my bathroom.

Anyway, nobody I know seems to think I did the right thing, not even my
mother (but she’s from NH, so it’s different up there). My levels of
compassion for my fellow man are being attacked! So, I am wondering, as a
resident of NYC, what you would have done, whilst sitting around with a
couple of your girlfriends, if a delivery man asked to use your bathroom?

Thanks!

I Just Wanted A Falafel, Not An Ethical Dilemma

---

Dear Falafel,

You know, I honestly don’t know what I would have done. On the one hand, he’s a stranger, he’s a grown-up, and ew. On the other hand, I would feel for the guy…and I think, if it came down to it, that I’d have let the guy use the bathroom.

But it’s not that I have more compassion for my fellow man than you do. It’s that a request like that would catch me far enough off guard that I’d just grant it without thinking, I imagine.

I think you made the right call. It’s your home, he’s a stranger, and businesses around the city have good reasons for those “RESTROOMS FOR CUSTOMERS ONLY” signs.

[10/8/03]

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