Sars:

I have this great idea for a stage production that involves adapting a piece of literature that is in the public domain.At least I’m pretty sure it’s in the public domain.Finding that out, however, isn’t my question for you.Is it possible to copyright my idea for this stage production, even though I’m using something that I didn’t really write at all?And how do I go about, or at least start going about, doing that?When it gets to the point that I can start discussing it with theaters (“theatres”? Does it matter? If this week’s Vine’s looking short on questions, maybe you can tackle that “theater/theatre” question as well), I don’t want to run the risk of having my idea stolen.

Thanks,
Mike

Dear Mike,

Well, it depends on what changes you make to the original material, but you’d really have to ask a literary agent or an intellectual property lawyer.It might actually be more of a trademark issue than a copyright one, but again, people who work with copyrights and the law on a regular basis are a better source for you than I am.You can also try Googling a phrase like “copyright adaptation,” or browse the FAQ at the U.S. Copyright Office.

When you write something original, the copyright is automatically yours; you don’t have to put it on file or get it approved or anything.But adapted material is different, and you should hook up with an attorney or other expert to guide you through that process anyway; it’s money well spent to make sure it’s done correctly and through the proper channels.

Hi Sars,

I have a question about a boy, well, really…it’s about two boys.And I think this may be one of those unanswerable ones, but I thought I might as well give it a shot.

First there was Kevin.We were best friends first and then dated for three years in college and after.We broke up mostly because I wanted space — he was my first serious relationship and I didn’t feel comfortable already talking marriage when I was 22. He took the break-up hard, I was taking my aforementioned space, and we didn’t really talk much for a couple years.We eased back into being friends, though, and are now as close or closer than ever.We live several states away from one another, and the one time that we did live in the same place (for about a year), we spent all of our time together and resumed a rather intense friendship.Or rather, for me it was a friendship, he confessed towards the end of the year that he was in love with me.

As I was leaving town, I begged off with some excuse about that, and we never really talked about it again.I have no idea how he still feels about me, but I suspect (for reasons I’ll discuss in a second) that he still carries a torch.Since our time in the same city (two years ago), we talk almost every day and see each other about once a month (schedules permitting).Kevin is my best friend and sometimes I even feel like I am attracted to him, but there is so much baggage that I’m afraid to just test a relationship for fear that I’d hurt him too much if things didn’t work out.

Enter…Mark.

Mark is the first really serious boyfriend I’ve had since Kevin.I mean, I had a bunch of screwed-up affairs, a few one-night stands and some short-lived dating relationships, but nothing serious till Mark.Mark and I fell for each other hard.We had that early relationship euphoria and it lasted for months.I was deliriously happy.

After about a month or so, I told Kevin about Mark (the one thing Kevin and I never talked about was our relationship lives, which wasn’t much of a problem since neither of us was doing anything very exciting).Kevin was upset, but he took it well.The weird thing was after that, Kevin and I spoke often but never (and I mean NEVER) talked about Mark.Kevin never asked me about him and I didn’t volunteer anything.

Then in August, Mark and I decided to move in together and two days later I was suddenly offered a dream job far away.Appropriately enough, the job is mid-way distance-wise between Mark and Kevin (about seven hours driving from each).

Mark and I are now having some problems in our relationship because 1) long-distance relationships suck, and 2) they suck even more when someone (i.e. Mark) doesn’t like to communicate.But there is a third reason for problems…and that is me.

I realize that I am still carrying a torch for Kevin.For one, in a long-distance relationship, the great sexual chemistry Mark and I have is less of a day-to-day thing (more of a month-to-month one), and so mostly what our relationship consists of by definition is talking.And Kevin and I just have much better communication than Mark and I.Kevin has no idea that Mark and I are still dating (because he never asks and because, honestly, I don’t volunteer) but Mark knows how close Kevin and I are.

So then there is the fact that I keep having these vivid dreams about Kevin and leaving Mark for him.

And I am constantly comparing the two of them.It’s like if I could roll them up into one person, I totally would.But of course, I know that I can’t.I love both of them but in different ways and I know that by the way I’m acting, I could potentially hurt both of them and the way I’m acting means I don’t really commit to anyone.I want to choose between the two of them, but I just can’t come up with a way to.Do I go with the one I have the better phsyical chemistry with (Mark)?The one I have better conversations with (Kevin)?Do I use my dreams as a guide? Do I flip a coin?

So, finally, here is the question: how do I figure out how to choose between Mark and Kevin?I know there isn’t some cosmo test I can take for compatibility, but do you have any other suggestions?

Many many thanks,
12 years out of high school…and still

Dear Years,

Exactly what do you think would happen if you chose Kevin?He shows up with a cartful of baggage about you; you show up with a cartful of baggage from Mark; you still have the long-distance issue because he doesn’t live any closer to you than Mark does.This isn’t about Kevin.It’s about the problems with Mark.

The relationship with Kevin didn’t work the first time, he declared his love for you and you blew it off — which is fine, if you weren’t feeling it you weren’t feeling it, but it doesn’t really indicate your destiny lying with Kevin, is my point.You’ve had opportunities in the past to commit to Kevin long-term and you’ve always declined to take them, and again, that’s not wrong, but it is what it is, and the only reason you’re considering it now is because 1) the relationship with Mark is not going well and 2) you know Kevin has feelings for you, so it seems like a safe harbor.

All of this is a normal response to the situation, but acting on it isn’t going to solve any of your problems, because the problems do not come from not being with Kevin, if you see what I’m saying.The problems come from feeling lonely without, and disconnected from, Mark — problems that you would probably also have with Kevin.”But he’s so much easier to talk to, so it wouldn’t –“Yes, it would.He’s easy to talk to now because you’re friends who don’t discuss your romantic lives.Upping the stakes would probably change that.

Don’t “choose.”Just stay put and try to work things out with Mark — stress how important communication is to you, focus on improving an unfortunate distance situation.And if it doesn’t work out, then you break up, but don’t break up with Mark for Kevin, because…see my first paragraph.Kevin is neither the problem nor the solution.Remove him from the equation and work on what’s left.

My sister, E, and sister-in-law, S, had a falling-out a few months back, in which
apparently unforgivable things were said by both parties and now each
refuses to speak to the other or to come to events where the other is
attending. It seems it is to the point where S and E now pitch huge fits
even if their husbands (my brother J and brother-in-law D) speaks to or see
whichever party each feels to be the offender — so the guys don’t. I know that
it is a clear cut case of “butt the hell out,” and I am doing just that. It
is all such complete stupidity that I want nothing to do with any of it
and have made that plain to all parties.

I don’t know the details beyond the
above because I have declined to hear anything about it, and I refuse to be
any kind of go-between on it. I invite everyone to the gatherings I host,
and when the inevitable “will E/S be there?” comes, I say “look, come or
don’t — I’m not getting in the middle.” With the result being that none of
them come. Which is sad-especially since E and J are my only siblings and
pretty much are the only family I have, but whatever. My parents had a nasty
divorce when I was young, and I spent too many years negotiating exactly
this kind of bullshit and I will not do it anymore.

The trouble is (and I promise this isn’t one of your inevitable “‘But –‘ no”s), I have a four-year-old daughter who adores her aunts and uncles. As I
mentioned, this kind of drama is a touchy subject to me, and the last thing
I want to do is to expose her to it. So, until just recently she hasn’t
known about all this crap. At her last birthday, I asked her what she wanted
to do to celebrate, and she said, “A party with E and D and S and J.” I
didn’t want to set her up, so I arranged a larger party with a number of
people, including the aunts and uncles. As usual, everyone asked if everyone
else would be there, and I just said, “Come or don’t. All the kid wants is
for you guys to be there.” They all said they’d think about it, and none of
them showed. My daughter was sad, and I am furious. When she asked I told
her the truth (figuring that even if I lied to cover for them, she’d figure
it all out eventually) — that sometimes grownups are silly and that for some
reason her aunts and uncles don’t like each other and because of that they
didn’t come to her party, even though they all love her. Which she totally
didn’t understand — what four-year-old would?

So, what do I do now? She loves them, and it’s not her fault they’re all
being idiots on this thing. Besides this one issue, they’re not terrible
people — in fact they’re all great with her so, I don’t want to cut them off.
Or cut her off from her only extended family in the area. But how I am going
to sustain her relationship with them while maintaining the “butt the hell
out” policy? My only goal is to protect her, and I am at a loss as to how to
do it.

Much obliged,
Torn Between Four Stupids

Dear Torn,

I think you need to call — or better yet, confront in person — each party in this ridiculous bullshit and tell them in so many words, “The fact that you voting adults could not put aside your differences for one afternoon at the express request of a nursery-schooler?On her birthday?Is fucking pathetic.You put me in the position of having to explain to her, on her birthday, why not one of you showed up, and the reason made no sense to her, because it makes no sense, period.I hope you feel good about disappointing her, and I hope you feel good about disappointing me, because I am very disappointed and very angry, and you can do what you want amongst yourselves, but for you to do this to my child is unacceptable, and if it happens again, it will be considered a declaration of war.My daughter will await your apology.Good day.”

Use those words.Actually, don’t use exactly those words; add more curses.I’m sorry, but to pull that shit on a four-year-old is profoundly selfish and completely out of line; it’s one thing if you invited the fam to a casual kid’s birthday party and they found reasons not to make it, but she invited them all and they all blew her off.Unacceptable.I don’t even like kids that much and I want to cry thinking about how sad that conversation must have been for your daughter.And if that’s how it’s going to be with those losers, she doesn’t need a “relationship” with them in the second place.I mean, seriously. For what?So they can blow her off when she’s older, too?Punch that guilt-trip ticket “paid” and start yelling.

You don’t have to cut them dead or anything, but you do need to rip each and every person involved about seventeen new assholes.Don’t even give them a chance to say sorry, just bitch them out good and hang up.Fucking babies, the lot of them.Say so.

Dear Sars,

I have a stalker.Or at least, I fear I have the beginnings of a
stalker.A couple months ago, my friend met this guy, T, through work who
was new to the city and recently divorced.She also knew I was back in
town after finishing college and single.As we’re both in our twenties,
she decides it’s a great plan to set us up.So he comes to a show I’m
in and we meet.I am not impressed.He’s annoying and kind of
smarmy.Not someone I particularly want to date.But I figure my
friend had to see something in him, so I tell T to get my phone number
from her, as neither of us had a pen.

Anyway, T calls me a few times,
and I get less and less interested.And I’m in the process of moving
to a city 50 minutes away and I’m busy with work, and I find myself
making excuses not to see him.I spoke to him at the end of that month, where I told him it just wasn’t going to work.I thought that
was that.

Two months later, I am at my parents’ house and find a package waiting for
me.From someone in town, with a poem on it indicating that he knows
this is the wrong address but he hopes the package will get to me
anyway.I open the box, and in pictograms, it says Housewarming Gift.
Inside is a set of four framed pictures, all black and white,
historical sites.Obviously hand matted and framed. At the bottom, he
put a note saying to call him and left his phone number.

This seems like a simple gesture, but it bothers me.Something about
it makes me feel a bit odd.I don’t know that I like it.I need to
respond in some manner, definitely a thank-you card, probably with my
parents’ return address.Should I call him and tell him it’s not going
to work?Should I go out on a date with this guy?I feel like that
would just be leading him on, plus I very much do not want to go on a
date with him.He’s the type I would strangle out of irritation before
the night were over.

Maybe I’m overreacting with the stalker bit.The situation just makes
me a bit uncomfortable, and if anyone would know what to do, it would
be you.

Thanks,
My Friends Wonder Why I Hate Setups

Dear Hate,

Ew.I mean, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about, but it’s still annoying that you have to deal with it, and annoying that he’s put you in the position of feeling like you’re a bitch if you don’t respond.

But a lot of guys count on exactly that polite instinct in order to worm back in, so — just don’t respond.Yes, it’s a nice gift, but that’s the problem — it’s too nice, it’s too much.I would tell you to return the gift with a snippy note telling him not to contact you again, but stony silence should get the job done just as well and is usually the safest bet.

Keep the gift at your parents’ house, in case, and let your friend know that T sent it to you there, that you think he’s kinda creepy, and that she’s not to reveal anything about you to T from now on.Just don’t respond or react at all.I know it feels rude, but you guys aren’t friends, you don’t like him, and he totally hunted up your parents and did an end run around you to send you an inappropriate present, so don’t take the chance.Pack up the gift, put it in a closet, and screen your calls for a while.

Hope this is a new one:

Me: SWF, 30 this year, live in Richmond, VA and have for entire life. Sorry — should be “for ENTIRE friggin’ life.”

Idea: Move to another state. Colorado kicks butt. Vacationed there, looked around, let’s try it out.

Why: Just to see if I can stand on my own two feet (it’s time) and can survive without the (often smothering) support of huge local family. NO ONE moves away. It’s just unheard of.

Problem: How the hell do you go about doing this? I’ve only ever moved across town. I need a new job, a new place to live, and a way to get my truck there without racking up 2000 miles on the o.d.

Why I’m sending this to you: I need contacts, people with experience in this, a company perhaps that consults you about such things. I don’t even know anyone who’s moved across country before. Seriously — Richmond — boring, trapped people. If I had my own site I’d solicit for contacts and advice myself. Hope you’ll help me out.

Request: Any ideas? Suggestions? Contacts? Networking? I’m just too responsible to chuck it all and move out there with no job waiting for me. There’s got to be a way in this day and age to do this, but really, it’s more impossible than I thought. What would be the ultimate is if I could find a temporary job out there — like for 3-6 months.That way at the end, if I loved it, I could fly back, sell my house, grab the cats and high-tail it back to the Rockies. If at the end I hated it, I could move back into my house and live the rest of my life happily in VA, knowing for sure that there’s nowhere else for me. [shudder]

In closing: Thanks!

Trapped

Dear Trapped,

You’re…kidding, right?If you want to move…move already.Get started.If you need a job, Google job boards in Denver or Boulder or wherever; search Monster.com and other job listing sites for openings in Colorado.Make calls.Send cover letters.Get a job out there, sign a one-year contract, and go.

I know it’s a big step, and I’m not trying to belittle your fears here, but honestly, people do this every day.You have to break it down into manageable pieces and figure out which pieces have to be in place first, but then you just start dealing with the pieces.You call moving companies and get estimates.You look at Craig’s List for the Denver area and find an apartment you can afford, or get a local broker to help you.If you hate it, you resolve to stick it out for a year and then make other arrangements.

You just have to do it — do research, make calls, ask questions.You seem to really want your hand held, and if that’s the case, maybe a big impulsive move like this isn’t the right choice, but if you really want to stand on your own two feet, moving forward with this plan is probably the best place to start doing that.

[10/8/04]

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