The Vine: September 1, 2000
Okay, so I’ve been married for three months. My husband’s been having a rough time lately. His job is incredibly stressful. The man who has been a father figure to him all his life has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, and is failing fast. My husband hasn’t been eating much, or sleeping well. He’s been very depressed, which I can completely understand.
This morning, he went to take a shower, and after a few minutes, he called me into the bathroom. He was crying hysterically, and he couldn’t stop. He said he didn’t know what was wrong, but he needed to get away and have some time alone. He’s since gone to stay with his mother. I’ve talked to her, and she doesn’t know what’s going on any more than I do. I talked to him, and he hadn’t stopped crying yet. He doesn’t know when he’s coming home, or even if he’s coming home.
I’m scared to death. I’m sure all that’s happened is, all the stress has caught up with him, and he’s just overwhelmed. But I have a sinking feeling he isn’t going to come home, and I just don’t know what to do. I’m willing to give him time to get through this, but I want some hope that he’s not gone for good. And I don’t know how to handle this.
Suddenly Alone
Dear Suddenly,
I agree that the stress has caught up with your husband, and it sounds like he needs to talk to a counselor about managing his stress more effectively.
As for why he bolted…well, you two haven’t been married long, and I imagine he’s also trying to hold himself together for your benefit so as not to strain the new marriage overly with his problems, which probably adds to his general stress level. I’m not trying to put his mini-breakdown on you by pointing this out, but it’s possible that he feared how you’d react if he had a meltdown, so he fled back to terra firma (i.e. his mom) before anything negative could happen.
Your husband isn’t thinking clearly right now, and you’ve got to keep that in mind before making any dire predictions about the state of your marriage, but still, he’s got to find a way to let you in, because his running away and refusing to deal with you doesn’t bode well. Urge him to get professional help; remind him that you love him, but remind him also that he’s married now and he can’t just go to ground every time he can’t handle a situation.
Tags: the fam
