The Vine: September 1, 2010
My boyfriend of two years has four cats. He has three of them for almost 12 years and the youngest for four. These are his first pets (we’re both in our late 30s) as he wasn’t allowed to have them as a child. I had pets growing up but haven’t in the last 15 years; I used to travel too much for work to take care of them, then got in the habit of not having any.
Sars, I am ridiculously jealous of those cats. I don’t know another way to describe it. I don’t mean to imply there is anything weird about his relationship with them — I think he is more attached to them than some people, but not in an inappropriate way!
For example, we’ll often hold hands or somehow be touching when watching TV. If a cat walks by, he’ll let go of my hand to pet or pick up the cat. He’ll sometimes forget to pick up something I asked for from the store, but always remembers their treats. And when I’ve had a really bad day and am complaining (not every day!), he’ll walk away to pick up and hold a cat. As I’m writing this, it seems incredibly petty. But it really bothers me.
I’d tried joking with him that he is more affectionate to the cats than me, but it seems to just annoy him. I appreciate that he is an excellent pet owner and think his devotion and caretaking of them for such a long time is an indicator of the type of good man that he is. No matter what, though, I can’t help being jealous.
Is it normal to be jealous of a pet? Is there a way I can convince him that it really bothers me? Any advice from you or readers would be helpful.
Cat-Adjacent in Maryland
Dear C.A.,
It’s time to stop joking, and start calling him on getting distracted by the felines when you’re trying to talk to him or be affectionate with him. I doubt it’s conscious on his part, but that probably makes it more hurtful to you, not less, and you need to explain to him — calmly, but without apologizing — that you don’t appreciate feeling like he’s not listening or interested.
The next time he heads for a cat when you’re mid-sentence, take a deep breath and tell him, “You know, I’m sure you’re not aware that you’re doing this, but when I’m trying to tell you about the tough day I had and you walk away to pet the cat, I feel like you don’t care.” If it annoys him, well, so be it. Intentionally or not, his behavior makes you feel rejected; you have the right to express that, and he needs to hear it.
I will say in your boyfriend’s defense that, when you have pets constantly around and underfoot, you deal with them much of the time on an instinctive, reptilian-brain level — kind of like driving a car, where you just deal with all the little sub-tasks that need dealing with and don’t realize you’re doing it. It can seem like we’re focused on the animals, but often it’s more of a reflex. Doesn’t mean it’s not annoying for you, though, so gently bringing it to his attention that you’re feeling less important than the cats is worth doing.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats
Yes! My husband is more affectionate with the dog than with me. But…he gets a lot of enjoyment out of the dog and being a dog owner. So we deal.
I personally rarely let one of my pets pass by me (or pass by it) without giving at least a quick stroke. I have several pets, and it’s my way of making sure they all get some attention every day. I don’t think about it consciously, I just do it. I think you’re probably right that the boyfriend is doing something similar most of the time.
I do wonder, however, at what volume and pitch the writer’s self-described “complaining” is being done. Maybe he just needs a soothing cat purr to help him listen to it–know what I mean?
I didn’t even notice that I constantly play with or pet my cat until my Mom asked me why I can’t just leave her alone for 5 minutes :) And strangely, I do it A LOT more when there are other people around than when I’m alone.
I kind of think your question has little to do with the cats. If it wasn’t the cats, it might be something else that he distracted himself with. The point is that you feel like he’s not paying attention when you need his sympathy or help. If he started flipping through the newspaper when you were telling him about your terrible day, you’d also be understandably annoyed. So my question is, does he respond to you and say sympathetic things or in any other way indicate that he’s listening while you’re talking and just blindly reaches out to pet the cat, or is he using the cat as an excuse to not react to what you’re saying (maybe because he doesn’t know what to say)? Either way I agree with Sars that to call his attention to the behavior (seriously) is the only way that he’ll notice what he’s doing and change it. Good luck!
I agree that scooping up a passing cat for a stroke could be an almost instinctive reaction. But exactly because this is such a reflexive thing, he ought be able to do it without really taking his attention off of CA. But if he’s walking away from her mid-sentence in order to play ‘who’s a pretty princess kitty witty!?’ with one of his pets, that has nothing to do with being a pet owner and a lot to do with being That Guy. If it wasn’t a pet, it would be sorting through the mail, turning on a baseball game, answering a text, or finding some other way to shut down the conversation because he doesn’t care or is really awkward.
That’s an eye-opener. I hear it from my partner fairly regularly: “You spend more energy on that cat that you do on ME!” I don’t think that’s the case in literal terms – she is a shop cat and I certainly spend far more time in the office with Partner than I do in the warehouse with her.
Facts are, I *am* listening, diligently, and the cat walked over so I patted her *without* thinking. It’s not a value judgement. It bugs HIM though, so I make a point of ignoring her if she’s present when We Need To Talk.
There’s a length-of-service differential here that’s worth noting: Most of the cats have been in his life *six times* longer than she has. That’s a lot of years to ingrain a habit of buying treats and patting the passers-by. If (heaven forfend!) all four cats disappeared in a puff of smoke this afternoon, he’d probably still buy cat treats by accident a few times after doing so for 12 years. It doesn’t invalidate C.A.’s feelings, but I think it does increase the chance that the behavior is not a value judgement… it’s just what he does.
Straightforward communication is the best approach… I’d have never known that a random back-scratch really bugged my partner if he hadn’t dropped the joking and told me straight.
I sympathize, Adjacent. My husband comes home after work and immediately pets the cats. I sometimes have to remind him to kiss me! But there are mitigating factors: a)it’s a twenty minute walk uphill and he’s all sweaty and gross, and b)my cats are the reincarnation of Liberace–“I did not come here to remain unnoticed.” They demand attention and lots of it.
So, is he walking around just randomly petting cat butts, or are said butts demanding the pettings? It’s two different problems. I’m prety annoyed too when I’m in the middle of a sentence and Husband just tunes out. But if the cat’s leaping on his lap, making buscuits on his crotch and smashing his hands with petting demands, well, it’s not easy to ignore no matter what I’m saying.
I agree with Chrissi-this isn’t really about the cats, its about you feeling he’s tuning you out (and consquently that he doesn’t care). And whether that’s true or not, it’s how you feel and he needs to know it. Start calling him on it, not jokingly, but seriously-“When you take off and pet the cat while I’m talking to you about my day, I feel like you aren’t listening and don’t care and that’s not acceptable.” And if the truth is that he really ISN’T listening and doesn’t give a crap, than you have a more serious problem than the pets, and you need to start considering whether its a fixable problem.
BTW, short circuit the forgetting what you asked him to get drama by writing a list. Us people who have Swiss cheese memories (oh God, the VC Andrews is STILL IN MY BRAIN) will NOT remember, so let’s spare everyone a lot of angst by grabbing a pen and paper.
Grain of salt, here, but might it just be a classic short attention span?
Forgetting what you sent him to pick up at the store is one thing, but if he buys cat treats once a week, he’s less likely to forget them than a one-time request from you. It’s not a guy thing, or a cat owner thing; it’s a scatterbrain thing.
Which brings me to point B: have you noticed, in general, that he just spaces out midsentence, when confronted with a shiny object (feline or otherwise)? I’m like that. My husband could tell you some STORIES. I’m not saying your sweetie has ADHD, necessarily, but some of us are not naturally good at staying focused, and cute little animals can be especially distracting. No harm in calling him out if he tunes you out, and yes, he should work on it anyway.
But from what I’ve read here, I don’t think it’s really about the cats.
I can sympathize. I have three cats and my animal-loving boyfriend has no pets (his schedule isn’t conducive to them). When he comes over to my place, it’s not unusual that he’ll spend more time petting and talking to my cats than stroking my hair or holding my hand, so I’ll find myself getting jealous of my own cats, even though I love the hell out of them too and am happy that they adore my boyfriend.
I’ll joke with him about it, which he takes with good humor as he diverts his attention from my boys and hugs me.
Patting a pet calms a person down, too. When I’m nervous, I often find myself patting my dogs or cats without really thinking about it. Maybe he’s uneasy when you complain about things and doesn’t know how to react. Of course, it’s a problem if he picks up the cat and pays attention to it, ignoring you… but if he’s holding the cat and stroking it while focused on you and listening/responding to what you’re saying, that doesn’t seem like a big issue.
And personally, there’s only so long I could stand holding hands while sitting on a couch. I’d probably use my pet as an excuse to let go of someone’s hand after a while, too.
I’d just as soon my partner petted a cat when I’m venting about my day. It keeps him calm and prevents him from responding in an unhelpful way. (If he’s petting a cat, he listens and asks questions. If he’s not, he starts getting all freaked about whatever I’m talking about, and his freaking out is not conducive to me venting and getting over it.)
Of course, after 21 years, I’m very clear on when the cat petting is an automatic calming himself thing and when it’s really distracting him. I call him on the latter which has happened maybe three times in the last couple decades.
There was a great episode of _This American Life_ on NPR several years ago, the first segment of which touched on this.
@Jen S 1.0: “…my cats are the reincarnation of Liberace–’I did not come here to remain unnoticed.’ ”
That’s completely awesome… ours is named Alex because (like Alexandra Forrest) she will NOT be ignored!
Which makes it entirely possible that the poorly-timed cat petting is really about shutting up the relevant feline, so the conversation can be properly attended to.
I have 9 cats, and while they make me insane sometimes, they are my stress-soothers too. I’m pretty sure that I do what you boyfriend does when my husband is sending out tense anger vibes, even if he’s just blowing off steam about his shitty day and it’s not directed at me.
I can in fact listen and be sympathetic while skritching or holding a cat. I’m possibly a better listener for it, really. I do not handle anger and tension well, I never have. It sounds incredibly stupid, but contact with cat fur (or the dogs or the horses, but there are more cats available at any one time :p) soothes me and calms me so that I CAN listen and absorb what he’s saying. It helps me stay centered.
That’s the good thing about animals, they don’t always require your undivided attention, they don’t care that 99% of you is focused on the person your talking to, they just want you to not stop that lovely rub behind the ears. Like Sars says, doing stuff with animals can be a sort of sub-process, that chugs along under the surface of your consciousness, it’s habit, or second nature or something.
By all means tell him how it makes you feel when he does those things, but be aware that he may need them to help him help you.
Also, I hate to sound crass but take this from someone who’s a very animal-centric person. The cats were his good friends before he met you (or at least before the BF/GF relationship started). And I mean it when I say friends, to him they are as important to him as a human he’s known and loved for 12 years. That’s not a relationship he’s going to just ditch.
Here’s a question, if he had a kid, and the kid came over while you were holding hands on the couch and he let go of your hand to scoop his kid in for a hug, would you still be jealous?
S
Ack! Spelling! Yeesh, I should learn not to hit send on anything before my 2nd cup of tea… @@
Oh, this rang a bell with me as well! We have an *awesome* dog and both my husband and I have to remember to say hello to each other first, before saying hello to her. And she’s hilarious: she lies in between us on the sofa in the evening and chooses which of us she’ll give the head end and which of us will get the bum end for the night.
I agree that your boyfriend might be doing it without realising, but what Sars said: tell him that it bothers you when he gets distracted when you’re talking to him. Because it’s not the cats, really – it’s more that he should be paying you attention at that particular moment, and isn’t doing so.
I totally thought of this vine post when I saw this video:
http://www.tiny.cc/z0ckm
*This* guy even does the reflexive pet. That said, he’s talking to animal planet, so the importance of the conversation is nowhere close to the same as having a conversation with one’s siginificant other.
I guess be glad that SO isn’t turning your house into that?
I’m with Amy and Sarah J. Listening to my boyfriend vent makes me edgy, and he is someone who needs to rehash his day before he can relax for the evening. I am a much better listener when we talk while taking the dog for a walk. Yes, maybe 10% of my attention is on the dog, but the 90% that’s going toward BF is more relaxed and attentive than it would be if we were just sitting on the couch.
Likewise, just thinking about holding hands during an entire hour-long TV show makes me claustrophobic, not affectionate. I hop up at every commercial, sometimes to pet the dog, but sometimes to put the dishes away, open the mail… just get off the couch. I guess it’s just a good thing that I’m not in a relationship with C.A.!
Most humans are able to attend to a pet without making other humans feel ignored: stroking a pet is a reflexive activity and as such shouldn’t require much brainspace.
However I have been in a relationship where a pet was used as a distraction to keep from spending time with me and was definitely getting way more affection than I was. HELLO? I’M RIGHT HERE.
Your feeling that the cats are higher on the totem pole is your problem, but it’s also a sign of a relationship problem that shouldn’t be ignored.
It’s humiliating to be prioritized lower than a pet. If your BF likes his 4 cats better than you, he might not get to keep all of you…
Coming in late, but anyways.
As I am a cat slave I of course blogged about this (I ´d link, but it’s in Swedish) and got a really good comment from my partner, who wasn’t used to cats before we met, but now have adapted fine :-) She claimed that cats just demand attention, and if a person isn’t sure how to react to these haughty animals, that demand respect as well as attention, s/he might feel excluded from the relation and react with envy, which is then rationalized as jealousy. The feeling of being an outsider in the cat relationship is transferred as being ignored by partner. We have had some discussions about this kind of behaviour, as I too tend to pick up a cat when stressed by partner’s distress. We also have a cat that tends to come and try to cheer up a distressed and/or crying person, so it’s actually hard not to pick her up and use her for comfort…
I’d say that a person who is affectionate and caring towards pets is way better as a partner than somebody who doesn’t care for animals at all. Even if the cats get int the way sometimes.
I’d also observe that these cats have been part of Boyfriend’s life longer than Cat-Adjacent has, AND (as far as we know) dependent on him for affection (and her, when she’s not annoyed). It’s not surprising if he turns to them automatically as he has for the other ten years he had them but not CA – or that he pets the cats to soothe himself when she’s talking to Boyfriend about things that stress her … such as the attention the cats get.