Hi Sars —

Longtime reader, first-time writer.Your sites — all of them — rock.

I just wanted to say you were absolutely on target in your response to “Caring Cousin” — that she not try to make Liza, the maybe lesbian, her PC project.Speaking as one who’s over 35 and still living with a (female) roommate who’s also a good friend, I’ve found that sometimes people can be a little hasty in their efforts to be ever so open-minded and understanding.

I was about 30 pounds overweight until about a few years back, which pretty effectively kept me out of the dating scene (my issues, I know).Now that I’ve shed the weight and am getting a little more comfortable with the whole deal, I find myself past the twenty-something years of easy dating and ensconced in a career where the few unmarried guys I meet are as likely to be eyeing my job as my (admittedly now spectacular) knockers.Not to mention, the geekiness doesn’t drop off with the weight — dating successfully takes practice like anything else, and some of us are slow learners.I keep the roommate ’cause it means that in a heinously high-rent district I can still squirrel away about 50 percent of my takehome pay and put it towards a house and/or eventually escaping the evil overlords and someday starting my own business.Oh yeah — and she’s a good friend too.

That sounds defensive, I know.But it’s a little annoying to go to a family event like a wedding, where you hope you might get a chance to meet some new guys, only to find out that a “Caring Cousin” has been openly speculating, and to all eligible parties to boot, that you’re a lesbian.That has happened to me at a few family functions — and thank God for the Chasing Amy fetishists.The worst part is that if you tell the Caring Cousins thanks for the warm understanding, but you’re NOT, you get the gentle skepticism.

“Caring Cousin” probably has some good intentions.But it also sounds a little like she’s looking to make a rebellious stand against her conservative family — and that’s her deal, not Liza’s.Whether Liza’s gay or straight, she’s likely to sense Cousin’s agenda and take it amiss.

Just my two cents.

Solo but Straight

Dear Solo,

I think that’s right on — that CC is maybe more focused on taking up arms on Liza’s behalf than she is on Liza herself.Whatever CC’s intentions or Liza’s sexual preference, putting Liza on the spot isn’t the way to support her.

Not to put CC on the spot in turn; I think she does mean well.But getting another person’s back isn’t about announcing that fact, or getting credit for it.It’s about standing where she can see you when she looks over her shoulder.It’s like it is in writing — show, don’t tell.

Dear Sars,

I know you’re a cat lady, and the genesis of this problem is a dog, but I
think the actual problem is people-related, so I thought I’d give it a shot.

I have a “special-needs” dog.He suffers from acute separation anxiety, as a
result of being abandoned by his previous owners at the age of six and
languishing in a shelter for several months.He loves just a little too
well.So, he barks when he’s left alone in my apartment, though he never
barks when I am home.I didn’t know about the barking, since, you know, it
happened when I wasn’t home.The neighbors below me finally said something
to me after seven months, when their rage had reached the boiling point,
though they were polite.No other neighbor has said anything to me; my
across-the-hall neighbor told me he never noticed my dog barking.As I fear
being labelled The Bad Neighbor, I sprang into action: enlisted the dog in
special training, started him on anti-anxiety drugs, and started using a
shock collar.The barking got under control and the Neighbors expressed
gratitude for my swift, nipping-in-the-bud actions.

A couple months later, I run out to grab the Sunday paper, am gone less than
an hour, and return home to find a hostile note from the girl Neighbor taped
to my door stating that my dog has been barking for hours.I’m abashed,
crank up the juice on the shock collar, and make sure I don’t leave the
apartment before eleven on the weekends, just in case.I apologize the next
time I see the boy Neighbor, and he says that he didn’t know his girlfriend
left a note and he didn’t know about any problems.I tell him to please let
me know if there is any more barking.

Today, several months later, I get a call from the building manager, who
tells me they’ve received complaints about my dog barking.He says that I
shouldn’t worry about it because there’s nothing I can do, and the landlord
is a dog-lover and understands that it can be very difficult to control
undesirable animal behavior.It might be worth pointing out that the
Neighbors are the only dogless tenants in the building, and that I hear
other dogs in the building barking, so I’m not sure if it’s even my dog
they’re hearing all the time.For instance, my dog and I were out of town
the last two weekends, and yet they’ve apparently complained recently (I
think weekends are the issue, since they leave before I do on weekdays).

I’ve drafted a letter to the Neighbors, asking them to please let me know at
what times the dog is bothering them so I can do something about it, like
use a mild sedative sometimes.I talked to my vet to get some more ideas.
I’m going to test the shock collar to make sure it’s still doing its job.
My point is, I’m trying.

I’m also trying to be sympathetic.I’ve had loud neighbors, and I
understand that feeling of building murderous rage when you’re woken up by
loud music or barking or whatever.But I’m just not sure what to do
anymore.I’ve apologized and been, I think, pretty responsive the two times
they’ve said anything to me.They told me that my responses fixed the
problem, but then I get all this hostility.I feel weird resenting the
hatred because I realize that I’m in the wrong about the barking, yet I’m
starting to feel kind of put-upon.Should I just forget trying to please
these people?Can you think of another way to fix the problem (with the
people, not the dog — I have dog pros working on that one)?And what do I
do about my neighbors if I can never get the dog to stop barking completely?

Thanks,
Saving For That Down Payment

Dear Saving,

As it so often does in cases of neighbors annoying one another, the problem comes down to reasonable expectations.If your dog is bothering the Neighbors with the barking, it’s reasonable for the Neighbors to complain, and it’s reasonable for them to expect that you will take the appropriate steps to correct the barking — which you have done, and which you can document having done.

So, you’ve done your level best to address the problem, but the dog is (allegedly) still barking.What can the Neighbors reasonably expect of you now?Nothing, in my view, unless they can furnish documented proof that 1) it’s your dog barking, 2) it’s only your dog barking, and 3) the barking takes place during universally understood “quiet hours” (i.e. after midnight on a Tuesday).If they can’t do that, well, the building does allow dogs, which they knew when they moved in, and the landlord is on record as sympathizing with you, so I think it’s time for the Neighbors to either suck it up or move out.

Yes, a barking dog is irritating, but if it’s the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday…whatever.You’ve more than met your burden here.If the Neighbors claim that it’s still a problem, let them prove it.

Dear Sars,

Your advice always seems to be right on with what I’m thinking when I read the letters in The Vine, so I’m hoping you can help me out here with a decision which has me thoroughly stumped.

I met “Jake” and we really hit it off; the night we met, we talked for four hours without those awkward pauses and silences you normally have when you first meet a person.It was amazing, we just clicked together.

So here’s the problems:

1. I’m 19. He’s 17.
2. I’m entering my junior year in college 1000 miles away; he’s entering his freshman year in a school that is 150 miles from our hometown.
3. We are both on athletic scholarships and therefore have no free time.
4. I leave in two weeks and will not be back until December.

So what I’m asking here is, should Jake and I try to make something work?So far we’ve stayed firmly on the friend side of the line (the statutory rape laws in my state are a consideration), but Jake and I have talked and we both would be interested in something more when the long arm of the law would butt out.I’m very wary of long-distance relationships after having one blow up in my face my freshman year, and I value this guy as a friend and want to keep that relationship, but how do I turn off my hormones with this funny great guy who I like and who likes me back.I really don’t know what to do and I would really appreciate your advice.

Thanks,
Found Mr. Right at the wrong time

Dear Found,

It’s certainly not the ideal start of a romantic relationship — the distance, the age difference, the fact that he’s about to start a new phase of his life and go through a bunch of changes, all the rest of it.

And while you seem to have a realistic understanding of the situation…I mean, I would much rather tell you to go for it, what the hell, as long as you keep the potential problems in mind blah blah blah fishcakes, and it’s not that I don’t think you two could make a go of it.It’s that, at your age, you probably shouldn’t have to do that much work in a relationship that’s just starting out.

Jake sounds great, but if he’s really great, he’ll stay great until everything falls into place a little better, and I’d hold off on taking it to the next level until that happens.

Hi, Sars —

I am dating a sweet, lovely, wonderful man. He’s in
his late twenties, I am 30. He was a virgin when we met. We
have been having sex, and all is well, but…he
doesn’t seem to climax. That is, he acts like he’s
having an orgasm, but he doesn’t ejaculate. That has
only happened once.

I have asked him about it, and he
swears he’s having orgasms and everything’s fine, but
I’m concerned. It doesn’t seem at all normal to me. He
is a bit overweight, and I’m assuming that may be a
part of it, but I’m scared something’s wrong. Is this
normal? Am I just really bad in bed? Help?

Post-Coital Worrier

Dear Post,

You asked him about it.He assured you that everything’s kosher.I think you have to assume that everything is in fact kosher and that he’s just different physiologically from other guys you’ve slept with.Guys can and do climax without any output; it’s unusual, but it’s not necessarily abnormal, even if happens more often than not.

If he’s in good health otherwise (“a bit overweight” probably isn’t going to factor in here) and he’s apparently enjoying himself, don’t overthink it.

Dear Sars:

There’s a tiny little café in my area that I’ve made into “my place” in the year or so since it
opened. It’s my little vegan safe haven. There aren’t a lot of vegan-friendly places around, and I’ve
never been a “regular” anywhere, so this is very exciting.

Of course something has come to try and
thwart my regularity: a very, very pretty indie-chic waiter. The place has a total of maybe five
employees, which makes His Prettiness unavoidable. I’m fairly certain that if he turned me down
on a coffee offer I could never show my face in there again, and that will not do (not only will I lose
my “regular” status, I’ll never get my precious fix of steamed almond soy milk!).

My current plan is to
tell him of this conundrum as a charming anecdote that he will find endearingly awkward, or to just
show up as often as possible until he starts singing “I’ve Grown Accustomed To Her Face” when I
don’t appear. Both plans seem highly unlikely to work. What’s your recommendation?

Hoping this problem hasn’t previously been addressed,
Endearingly Awkward Vegan

Dear Veg,

Which “problem” do you want me to address here?Do you want to know whether you should ask him out, or do you want to know how to ask him out?

If it’s “whether,” decide whether you can live with any ensuing awkwardness if he says no and proceed accordingly.If it’s how, skip the rehearsed anecdote and ask him when he gets off work, and if he’d like to get a glass of organic wine with you afterwards.

Sars,

As a grammar smartie who’s also a computer smartie, what do you think about
the word “functionality”?I have a real problem with it; I can’t see a need
for it, as I’ve never heard it used where “function” wouldn’t work equally
well.It seems to me to be just another example of management-speak.On
the other hand, I find few computer people who agree (in fact, few of them
seem to have given it any thought), and I don’t know if I’m just being a
stick in the mud.

Conjunction Junction, What’s Your Functionality?

Dear Con,

Hmm.I can see both sides; it’s one of those words, like “actioning,” that smacks of corporate-ese.But at the same time, “function” addresses a thing’s use, whereas “functionality” could address the relative success of that use…in other words, “functionality” seems like a more qualitative term than “function.”

Let’s hit the dictionary and see if Webster agrees with me…

…and it does, in a way.The 11C gives “functionality” its own listing, to wit: “The quality or state of being functional; esp : the particular set of functions or capabilities associated with computer software or hardware or an electronic device.”The word has entered the language with that specific association, apparently, so if it’s used in the context of, say, a Web page, it’s correct.What interests me more is the subtle difference I pointed out above, because in the 9C, “functionality” only appears as a subhead of “functional.”It’s not a synonym for “function,” which means “use” or “purpose,” but rather the noun form of the adjective “functional,” which doesn’t exactly mean “useful” or “purposeful” so much as “working” or “operational.”

For example, “Netscape’s function” isn’t really a relative term.Netscape’s function is to allow the user to view Web pages; whether or not it does so effectively isn’t implied either way.But “Netscape’s functionality” takes a lot more from the context of the sentence, i.e. “Netscape’s functionality is hobbled by a 56K connection” or “the new version of Netscape improves the browser’s functionality.”

Short answer: It’s not the same as “function.”Sorry.

[9/10/03]

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