Dear Sars,

I’m pretty sure this is going to be one of many letters, but I just wanted to add to what you told Bag in PA.Get out.Please, get out now.Adults do not hit other adults in anger — no, not even if “instigated.”I don’t care what you said to him — he should NOT have hit you.Period.End of sentence.

And since you do seem to be worried about your son — the myth that children are healthiest if they’re raised in two-parent families is, well, a myth.(I can tell you myself, I’d be MUCH healthier, mentally, if my father had not been around when I was growing up.)If the divorce really affects him, get him some counseling, but it is VASTLY safer and better to get him out of an abusive household.Having a daddy around his whole life will not make up for seeing Daddy hit Mommy.

So.I suggest, as well, that you look into getting a restraining order against DH.If you don’t have anywhere to go, here’s is a list of women’s shelters in PA; if nothing else, they can help you get counseling and/or legal aid.(Depending on where you are in PA, your county may have a group that does pro bono work.)

It’s going to be hard.It may be the hardest thing you ever do in your life — but I promise, in the end, it will be worth it.The Sioux believe that a people are not truly conquered until the spirit of their women is broken.I interpret this to mean that women are a hell of a lot stronger than we ourselves believe.You CAN do this, and I encourage you from the bottom of my spirit — go, get out, run away.You deserve better than to be a punching bag.

Just sign me,
Riled Up in PA

Dear Riled,

Thanks for the link.

I cannot make the point strongly enough — just because you have put up with crappy behavior in the past does not mean that you deserved it, or that you have to continue putting up with it.

Dear Sars,

This is a very silly
problem, but one I don’t think I’ll start addressing until
someone tells me to do something about it. I’m in my first
year at university in Britain and don’t really want to whinge to
my new friends about this sort of thing. But I can’t seem to
have relationships.

I go out quite a lot, do the whole “making
eyes” at men thing, flirt, get distracted from my work by the
ineffably gorgeous Turkish guy who lives in a room opposite
me, dance and smile nicely. But whenever someone starts
taking an interest, it’s as if a deadlock slams inside, and I turn
into an ice queen. I’ve been on dates with three people since I
started studying here last October, but each time I’ve talked
myself out of them, and finished it after a couple of dates. It’s
not that I wasn’t attracted to them — I was, but I had this sort of
desperation to get free from them.

This is so daft because I do
get lonely, and I’m not consciously trying to avoid a
relationship, and I have absolutely no emotional baggage
whatsoever — no nasty exes, no bad experiences, nothing. Yes,
I know it’s self-indulgent and I just need to pull myself
together, but I don’t know how!

Navel-gazer

Dear Navel,

Something about getting close to another person scares you.Try to figure that something out.If you haven’t already, start a journal, and write everything down, even if it’s stupid or embarrassing or it seems irrelevant.Keep going on dates and stuff, and track your feelings — whether you get nervous, whether it reminds you of an incident from your past, what worries you and why you think it worries you.

Maybe you don’t want to get hurt, maybe you think that once a guy gets close he won’t want you anymore — I don’t know.I don’t know you well enough to say.You have to look at it and see what occurs to you.

Continue to go on dates; continue to try to connect with other people.Make an effort not to wig out and short-circuit things as soon as you normally would; see what happens.And document all of it so that you can track whatever’s bothering you and start overcoming it.

Hi Sars.

Here’s the thing. I’m in my first year of college. I’m really lonely most of the time, which is probably a big part of what’s going on. This is really embarrassing to admit, but I’ve sort of developed feelings for my TA. I don’t want to jump him, but I find myself thinking about him way more than is healthy. If I see him around campus, we talk (he even got me coffee once), but I’m projecting big-time expectations on to him for some reason.

I know expecting any relationship between a Ph.D and a freshman is really dumb. I’m usually not the moony-eyed type. Can you help me snap out of it? Thanks!

I sound like a Tiger Beat reader

Dear Tiger,

I wouldn’t worry about it too much.As long as it stays in crush territory, there’s nothing wrong with it.So you project a little loneliness onto a cute TA — so what?We’ve all done it.

As time goes on, you’ll make more friends and develop crushes on fellow students and whatnot, but if daydreaming about you and your TA and wine and candlelight on a remote tropical island takes your mind off of schoolwork stress, go ahead and smooch your pillow and pretend it’s him.If you didn’t get that a relationship between the two of you is inappropriate and unlikely, I’d have a different answer, but you seem pretty clear on the fact that it’s just a crush, and as such, it’s not hurting anyone.And it’s not going to last forever, either, so don’t beat yourself up about it.

[9/12/02]

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