Hi Sars,

A couple quick makeup recs —
Wet ‘n’ Wild eyeshadow in the little squeeze tube, in cafe au lait,
makes a great eyeshadow base.

Revlon 12-hour Colorstay Eyeshadow quads.

Stila Convertible Color (really pretty on your cheeks, but not so much
on your lips).

Stila Smudgepots for eyeliner — they’re very easy to use and stay put.
She would just need a thin eyeliner brush.

Hope that helps!

M

Dear M,

Thanks for the tips.Other suggestions below, divided into type of makeup; if I got a suggestion more than once, it’s asterisked.

lipstick
Max Factor Infiniti
MAC Pro Longwear Lustre Lipcolor*
Maybelline Superstay*
Revlon ColorStay Lip Gloss*
Rimmel
Cover Girl OutLast All Day Lip Color*
Eyeko Lip Pens

mascara
Cover Girl Marathon*
Lancome Definicils*
Maybelline Great Lash (pink tube, black top)
Bobbi Brown’s No-Smudge Mascara
Blinc Kiss Me*
False eyelashes
Get your lashes tinted*
Avon Wash Off/Waterproof*
Vincent Longo waterproof mascara
Shu Uemera’s eyelash curler
Christian Dior Diorshow
Clarins Mascara’fix
Clear mascara

eyeliner/shadow
Bobbi Brown’s Long Wear Gel Eyeliner*
MAC Semi Permanent Liquid Eyeliner*
MAC Fluid Line*
Max Factor LineMaker
One of Lancome’s waterproof eye pencils, i.e. Le Crayon Kohl*
Maybelline ExpertWear
Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion
Sephora Cream Eyeliner Palette
Avon Glimmersticks

other
Benefit She-Laq makeup sealant*
Larenim mineral powder makeup
Bare Escentuals*
Stage makeup, like Ben Nye
Foundation with no SPF (which makes you look greezy in the photos)
Lorac oil-free makeup
Maybelline’s Dream Matte Mousse
Do your test runs at the department-store makeup counter
Check a wedding-planning website’s forum for advice
Get airbrushed

Dear Sars,

I’m hoping you can help me out with this one.Obviously.

My husband and I own our home, with no mortgage.We inherited it after my father passed away a few years ago.However, it’s in a small town about 40 miles from the city we both work in and we’ve decided to buy another house closer in and rent out this house.

We’ve recently thrown around the idea of offering it to my husband’s brother and his family at a very, very reduced rental rate.My BIL is married to a woman who is blind and the two of them have three boys, aged 11, 5, and 3.They currently live in a 700-square-foot, two-bedroom duplex.My BIL has been out of work for about a year, and my SIL doesn’t work either.She gets enough money from disability insurance to cover their rent and groceries.The rest of the utilities they get from their respective parents and from members of their church.They even have a minivan that was donated to them by the church.My BIL claims that he can’t find a job, but we live in an area where jobs are plentiful.I guarantee you he could have a job at McDonald’s or Walmart by the end of the day while he continued to look for something more meaningful.

I know that there are some tricky areas that we are walking into with the possibility of getting into essentially a business deal with family.We would be very up-front with BIL and family from the get-go, and explain that we need to have a minimum income coming in from this house.If they got X amount behind on the rent, they would have to move out.No hard feelings, but no way around it either.We’ve cut some back door deals with my husband’s parents who have agreed to provide them a place to live should we have to ask BIL and family to leave.My husband and I have also agreed that if it came to that point, we would consider the back rent to be a wash and just move on with our lives.I think that even if the worst-case scenario played out, the family could come out fine.

Which (finally) brings me to my issue.My husband and I just found out the BIL and SIL are trying to have a fourth kid.While living in a small two-bedroom duplex.While neither of them have jobs.I’ll be honest, I was furious.But, according to BIL and SIL, it’s okay because “God provides.”They are very evangelical Christians, my SIL in particular. So when I heard this, and got angry, I thought, why the hell would I want to help these people out.I mean, renting our current house out to them at a cheaper rate takes money out of my pocket.In theory, I don’t mind.I especially love my nephews and would love to be able to help them have a larger house.My house has been a gift to a lot of people in my family in various times of need, myself included, and I would love to pass it on.My nephews are adorable and cute and smart and funny and they give me huge hugs and the smallest one calls me Uncle instead of Aunt and I want the very best for them.But at the same time, I feel like I’m only enabling some very selfish, irresponsible behavior from their parents that hides behind “God provides.”I just don’t understand how two unemployed people could think that it’s okay to put a FOURTH child into one bedroom and continue to take handouts from others.

To summarize, my BIL and SIL are selfish idiots and my nephews are innocent bystanders whom I love very much.Am I doing more harm or good by renting the house out to them?

Thanks for the time and the thought,
Unsure Aunt

Dear Auntie,

This sounds like a terrible idea, honestly.You already resent them for what you see as their willful irresponsibility when it comes to their personal finances; you’re talking like it’s a foregone conclusion that they’ll get behind on the rent, like it will happen and you’ll have to deal with it; the only reason you mention for thinking it’s a good idea is that your nephews will have a place to live, but…see my previous points.

I mean, if you really feel that making the house is available is a “gift” you’re giving to this family, you have to give it as a gift, no strings attached, no judgments about their relative fiscal fitness.But I don’t think you’re in a mental place to do that, and with that said, I think you should tell them it’s no go, because you’re going to be annoyed by, and engrossed in managing, this situation for years as a result, and I just don’t think it’s worth it.

I know you love your nephews, but honestly, they need to know that you care about them and are there for them; this gesture won’t make much of an impression on them, especially since it’s almost guaranteed to cause conflict between you and their parents (and since, in your view, it’s probably temporary anyway).Your in-laws should shift for themselves, not because it’s how you would do it, but because this particular attempt to “help” is probably going to backfire.

The thing is, people are what they are.Particularly in situations like this among families, you do have to take that into account, and generosity of spirit and hoping for the best are great in theory, but in practice, if you’re not genuinely doing that, or feeling that way — if you’re bracing for the worst and seething — and then they behave exactly the way you could have predicted?…Do you know what I mean?It’s like if I bought my brother a Sundays CD for his birthday and then got irritated when he didn’t like it.He doesn’t like the Sundays; this is a fact in evidence.

If you want to help them, help them; don’t expect gratitude, don’t expect common sense, don’t expect them to rise to the occasion with an increased sense of industry and checkbook propriety.If you think they should help themselves, let them do that and feel good about it.But don’t get into a teaching-a-pig-to-sing situation with this where you go forward with it already resenting their lifestyle.The pig’s just going to get mad.

Hi Sars,

I have a strange etiquette question that I’ve never seen addressed.

I was out shopping with my friend and I had to pee, so I went into the Dunkin’ Donuts and used their bathroom. When I came out, he said, “Aren’t you going to buy something?” I was surprised, but I kind of wanted a hot chocolate anyway and I didn’t feel like arguing, so I just humored him and bought one.

But my question is: if you use the restroom in a fast-food restaurant, are you obligated to buy something? My other friend agrees with the first friend, while my parents agree with me. When I was little, my mom would often tell me to use the bathroom in McDonald’s or someplace. I wouldn’t use the restroom in a fancy restaurant if I wasn’t eating there, and I wouldn’t use one that had a sign that said “Patrons Only.” But I’ve never considered it rude to use the bathroom in a fast-food place. I always thought that their bathrooms were considered public restrooms — in fact, one time I was eating in a small restaurant with no bathroom, and the waitress told me to go down the street to the public restroom at Au Bon Pain. Plus, there are plenty of times I buy something at Dunk’s without using the restroom, so why can’t I use the restroom without buying something?

Can you let me know your thoughts on a point of view I had honestly never considered?

So can I skip the cocoa next time?

Dear I Wouldn’t,

You buy something at Dunk’s without using the restroom because Dunkin’ Donuts isn’t a business that sells toilet time.It sells donuts and coffee; it’s a retail outfit, and it’s private property.You can safely assume, whether a sign is posted or not, that the bathroom is also considered private property and is reserved for customers only.

This must not have happened in New York, because business owners here are fanatical about not letting walk-ins use the bathroom; every restaurant and fast-food chain has at least one sign up to that effect, for obvious reasons — people make a mess, junkies nod out in there with the door locked, et cetera — and if you don’t have a purchase in hand, you are not peeing, end of story.

Now, emergencies do arise, and I don’t think it makes you a bad person to use the DD toilet if you really have to go and your other options are limited; people do it all the time.But a DD staffer has to clean that bathroom, and DD has to pay for the paper products and the soap in there, and if anyone can just walk in there and use it without buying even a donut hole?Fast-food companies offer the bathroom as a courtesy, to their customers; it’s not a requirement.I mean, I think it is a restaurant-code requirement, if you have a certain amount of seating; I’m talking in social terms.You aren’t owed a bathroom, unless you’re a customer.

Again, things happen, and you do what you have to do, and if I saw you coming out of a Burger King restroom and you hadn’t bought anything, if you also hadn’t puked on the seat, I wouldn’t tattle on you or anything — if you can get away with it, great.But they’re not park benches.Fast food is not, appearances to the contrary in this country, a public trust, and you’re not going to go to hell for taking a whizz without paying for a coffee, but if you do it again and you get caught, be gracious about it and make a small purchase.

[9/13/06]

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