Hey Sars,

I love your site! I have a word that’s been bothering me for years but I’ve
always been too lazy to actually find out if my annoyance is valid. I’m
referring to the overuse of the word “that.” I often see it used to refer to
a person as in “the girl that walked by is my sister” when I feel it should
be “the girl who walked by…” (Of course, that sentence would be less
awkward if you just said “my sister walked by” but that isn’t what this
letter is about.) I read and hear this one all the time. I should just go
out and get myself a copy of the Garner but, again, lazy. Can you enlighten
me?

Thanks for your insight!

The girl who can’t stand “that”!

Dear Girl,

According to Garner, “Who is the pronoun for human beings (though that is also acceptable); that and which are the relative pronouns for anything other than humans, including entities created by humans.”

In other words, “the girl that walked by is my sister” is not incorrect, but “the company who owns that building is Kodak” is.

Insisting on “who” in that context is an overcorrection, and unnecessary.Feel free to use it yourself, but it’s not the only right way.

Dear Sars —

Since you seem to be A) a sports fan and B) a grammar
maven, I think that you any only you might be able to
help me out.

Okay.Here’s the deal.For a few years now, I’ve
noticed sports announcers and sportswriters talking
about how a player needs to get “untracked,” meaning
“back to his usual level of excellence.”I had
assumed for years that they were saying “on track,”
but, no.”Untracked.”

And it’s not just announcers; I’ve seen it in print.

The problem is that dictionary.com gives the following
definition of “untracked,” and ONLY the following
definition of “untracked”:

untracked

adj : lacking pathways; “trackless wilderness”;
“roadless areas”

Is there something I’m missing?Is there something
the dictionary is missing?And why has “untracked”
become so widespread as to be used ubiquitously in the
world of sports?Shouldn’t players who are slumping
hope to get “on track” instead of “untracked?”Can
everybody be wrong?Scarier yet: can everybody be
wrong, and I be right?

Thanks for clarifying,
I Think I’m the Only Person Who Digs Bill Walton

Dear Only,

I think that sports commentators intend “untracked” to mean “out of a rut or slump,” so it might be more instructive to look up “tracked” or “track” and see if flipping part of that definition to its antonym makes more sense.Let’s see here…

Well, if you use the meaning “moving along a rail,” I think it makes sense; the implication is of breaking out of or away from that, but of course you can’t say “derailed,” the usual word to apply here, because it has a negative connotation.So, you go with “untracked.”

But the guys in the booth are not necessarily grammarians, so I wouldn’t read too much into it in the first place.

Sars,

This is a three-part question, and only one part is actual advice-seeking. Feel free to edit out any questions or portions thereof.Okay, here goes.First of all, I’ve been reading The Vine religiously for well over a year now, and for the most part think your advice is both humorous and well-deserved.However, whenever I read the questions that have something to do with infidelity or third-party action, I wonder to myself: why does Sars take such a hard line with cheating?Is it because you think cheating is totally abhorrent, or because there are a lot of people who let cheaters do whatever they want and end up in emotional turmoil?Or some other reason?It seems as though your usual response is “He/she cheated.Leave them.”I know I’m generalizing your responses, but do you think that cheating is always a make/break situation?It may be TMI, but my husband cheated on me, twice, early in our relationship.If I’d have left him for this, I would be married to him today (duh).I mean, cheating ain’t good, but I can think of worse things someone could do to me.

Secondly, I’m also really curious to know how often you get responses back from people you’ve given advice to.Do people write you back and tell you what happened?If so, have you ever thought about posting those responses somewhere for us curious folk to enjoy?

Third (and last), the actual question.So, husband I mentioned earlier is not a happy person and has been on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication since I started dating him.Last week, he decided to stop taking them (without consulting me first, but whatever).I have no doubt that his moodiness will get worse as the drug slowly leaves his system, but it’s pretty fucking bad right now.He picks fights with me over stupid issues, usually household-cleaning-related, and then an hour later wants to snuggle.By which point I have no interest in talking to him, let alone sharing body heat.When someone tells you that you have no taste or class and would be best off decorating a run-down trailer, you kind of have to appreciate the rudeness of the comment, but such comment in no way makes me want to jump into bed with him.

Anyhow, he’s been making unrealistic demands, like “start living up to my expectations or move out.”I’m not quite sure how to deal with this.He’s harping on negative attributes of mine that are certainly true, but I don’t think it’s fair of me to make all the concessions, nor am I even capable of doing all the things he wants.So, do I try to get him to go back on the drugs?Part of me thinks it’s really good he wants to get off them, but another part really wants him tamed.I either need him to get back on the meds or figure out a way to deal with his crap while not giving in to his unrealistic demands…because if I do that, he’ll think I’ll jump when he snaps.And I won’t.Maybe hop, but that’s it.Thoughts?

Thanks,
Not to the point of mashing up the drugs in his food…yet

Dear Mash,

Lord, where to start.Yes, I take a hard line on cheating — but you answered your own question as to why.Cheating is, among other things, profoundly disrespectful to the person getting cheated on, and tolerating it does send a certain message; sometimes, of course, the message is “we need to work this out for the sake of our kids” or “I love you enough to look past this and move forward” or whatever.But sometimes it’s “I don’t think I deserve any better than your careless treatment of my feelings.”In your case…well, reread your last paragraph.He already thinks you’ll jump when he snaps, because…you do.He cheats on you; you stay.He does it again; you stay.He’s verbally abusive; you stay.

“But I love him!”Well, of course.But my point, here and generally with infidelity, is that sometimes that isn’t enough — that love can’t always trump selfishness, that love can’t always overcome a serious breach of trust.I don’t think everyone should adhere to my zero-tolerance policy all the time; it depends on the people, it depends on the circumstances, blah blah blah.But I would never stop resenting it, I don’t think, or remembering what it felt like to find out how little I’d meant to him at that moment.I don’t have the kind of nature that can forgive that.Some people do, and if it works out for them, I think it’s fine — but so often, it doesn’t.Often, the resentments just get buried instead of worked out, and the issues that led to the infidelity don’t get dealt with, and nobody should have to live like that.

And pursuant to that, I think it’s time for you to insist that your husband get back on his meds — or, whether he does that or not, to understand that the next time he rips a strip off you for no reason, you will leave and you don’t know when or if you’ll come back.Start giving his shit consequences; I understand that he’s depressed, but reasons are not excuses.Act like it.

I feel like I missed something here…oh yeah.Yes, sometimes people write back in to update me on what happened, but the really juicy ones almost never do for some reason.Either they’re embarrassed or, if I busted on them, they hate me and don’t even want my stinkin’ magnets…who knows.

Hey Sars,

I’ve written to you before for advice over a year ago and your response was exactly what I needed.It’s great to get advice from someone other than a mom or friend or boyfriend who obviously doesn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me I’m being an ass when, well, I’m being an ass.

Anyway — here’s my issue:

Back in December of 2002, one of my old friends from high school got engaged.She called me a few days after it happened.That call was the first one I had received from her in probably a year, if not more.Although from the ages of 12-18 we were inseparable, after that we really didn’t see much of each other.A few weeks after her announcement, she emails me, to ask me to be her maid of honor.I was shocked.At first I felt weird saying yes since we really hadn’t been close in over five years but then I got to thinking that maybe this was our chance to rekindle a friendship that was once so important to both of us.I was quite wrong.

Once I accepted I probably saw her about four times over the next year, twice to look at dresses and maybe once or twice for drinks.Whenever I would call her, she’d email me a response — which is odd considering she lives literally five minutes away from me. I decided that I needed to address my feelings of awkwardness with these arrangements so I emailed her and let her know that I really wanted to be more involved in not only her wedding, but her life.I told her that I found it odd that she never called me back and would only correspond to me via email.She wrote back telling me that her life just did not allow for closer friendships — that she was busy with her job, her fiancé, her family, et cetera and that our friendship would have to remain the way it had been over the past five years.She said if I was a real friend I would accept that.

Although that really hurt me, I let it go and went ahead with the planning.As the wedding got closer she emailed me explicit instructions on where, when, et cetera she wanted her bridal shower.So we had the shower — that was in April.After that I heard from her once or twice.I figured since she was so quick to plan her own shower she would do the same for her bachelorette party.Well — early this week I got an email (of course) from her saying how the rest of the bridal party had all been discussing the party over the previous weekend and she was upset that she felt that she had to plan her own party.She mentioned that they were wondering why I hadn’t called them since the wedding is in five weeks.

Anyway — the rest of the bridal party decided to have her party this Friday — the day before my birthday.I told them that I couldn’t make it because I’ve had plans for my birthday for weeks and the plans involve me getting up very early in the morning.Their party plans would have me staying overnight two hours away.

So — after I told them all I couldn’t make it, I get an email the next day from her, to the entire bridal party announcing that she has just decided to make one of the other bridesmaids a co-maid of honor.She finished off the email by adding some bridal etiquette regarding the responsibility of the maid of honor.I was really stunned and hurt, not to mention a little embarrassed.I responded by asking her if I could come to her house to chat and she told me she was busy, probably from now until the wedding in four weeks.

Is it incredibly selfish of me to consider backing out of this wedding?The way I see it why throw away anymore of my concern and money over someone I know I’ll never see after this is all over?

Not-So-Merry Maid

Dear Maid,

I hear your “stunned and hurt,” but I’d change the plan to “pointing and laughing,” because I’ve seen some bad fucking manners in my life but that bride’s are charting in the top ten.I mean, my God.Bossing you about the shower and the bachelorette?Ranking you out IN A GROUP EMAIL?Girl.Please.She’s doing you a favor.

I don’t know why that beast wanted you as her MoH in the first place when she doesn’t appear to like you, but enough already.Email her — usually I’d tell you to call, but we both know she won’t pick up, because bitch crazy, so email it is — and tell her that you can’t participate in the wedding.Because bitch crazy.Use those words.

There is no reason — none — for you to expend one more minute or dollar on that fool.Don’t.

Hey Sars,

You gave me advice when I was “Terminally Gender-Confused.”This time, I don’t have a problem so much as a question about proofreading job prospects.

I consider myself pretty anal about grammar; I make mistakes but catch most of them, and also catch the mistakes of others when someone less anal might read for meaning.I’m a big fan of a soccer team here in the UK and I check their official website for news every day or so.And when I do, their spelling and grammar make me wince.”Weekend” for “weakened” and “preverbal” for “proverbial” are two of the errors that stick in my mind best, but there’s also a steady parade of apostrophe errors and other little mistakes that give the site a rather sloppy feel.

I think they’re crying out for a proofreader, and I think I could do the job.The trouble is, I’ve got no formal qualifications, and just saying, “I’m a grammar geek, hire me” doesn’t seem like the right approach.What’s more, I’m uncertain enough about the value of my skills that I’d just as soon not mention working for pay at all and let them decide for themselves what I’m worth.Of course, that has the downside that they might think I was volunteering to do the job for love, which I’m not: I need the money badly enough that I’m trying to teach myself my skills are worth something.

Should I forget about the whole idea, or is it worth a try?And if it is, how do I go about getting proofreading work?I await your mighty and grammatically correct wisdom.

Aspiring proofreader

Dear Asp,

Sure, it’s worth a try.You don’t have any experience to point to at the moment, but you could still send a short letter asking if they need any proofreading help (and if you do have any experience at all, even if it’s just helping out friends with their term papers and whatnot, mention it; note, though, that “I’m anal about grammar” is not experience per se).Tell them that you don’t have formal editing jobs on your c.v., but you’d gladly take a proofreading test if they’d like.Don’t mention the pay; just offer your services, and if they want you to work for free, you can decide whether you want to do that when the time comes.Get the gig first.

And you may have to work for free, at least at first, in order to get a few proofreading lines on your résumé.If proofreading/copy-editing is something you want to do in the long term, you have to start out small — proof friends’ projects, that kind of thing — until you come across larger, paying jobs.It takes some time, but you have to establish yourself as Someone Who Does This and wait for word of mouth to work for you.

You can also take proofreading and editing courses specific to various fields, and put those on your c.v.; legal and medical proofreading are more specialized, and pay better, but you’ll need certification for those, and maybe it’s worth getting that formal training in order to give yourself a boost in the field.

[9/14/04]

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