Dear Sars,

I was wondering if you have any advice for me on a tough situation.

I have two best friends, C (a girl) and J (a guy). Both of them are awesome and the three of us would do anything for each other.

This is the problem. For many years, C has suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) due to sexual assault. C was my roommate freshman and sophomore year, and she often has flashbacks and nightmares. I’ve seen her have them and they are absolutely horrible. J and I both try to do as much as we can for her when she’s having flashbacks or other effects of the PTSD. J, unfortunately, has had to deal with her PTSD quite a bit this year. He’s better at staying calm in bad situations than I am, so C trusts him more than anyone. But dealing with her problems is beginning to take a toll on J, and last night, he and C had a big fight after J told her that she needs to start receiving treatment for the PTSD.

C has never received treatment for the PTSD. For one thing, she has never told her parents. Her parents both have issues with depression, and while their relationship is improving, C has had many serious issues in her relationship with her mother. She doesn’t think she can take SSRIs because when she was younger she had a seizure disorder. As for therapy, her family’s health insurance doesn’t cover it. They don’t have a lot of money to pay for it, and, like I said, she really does not want to tell them because of her delicate family dynamics. After we graduate (we’re all juniors) C is getting a job as a teacher and will then probably have health insurance that will cover the treatment. She wants to wait a year and start treatment then. Her attitude is that she’s waited this long, what’s one more year? But in the meantime she’s still having these flashbacks, and no one should have to get used to that.

While I know that ultimately this is C’s decision and not mine, I want to do whatever I can to help her and J. None of the options are looking good. Either she tells her parents, which may or may not help her get therapy (depending on their financial situation) but would also open a can of worms as far as disrupting her family and may result in her parents pulling her out of school, or she does nothing until she gets a teaching job, continues to have flashbacks, and risks losing J, who is one of the best friends she’s ever had. I’m doing research to try to find out if she has any other options, but I don’t know if there’s anything else I, or anyone, can do. It is killing me to see C suffering like this and to see my best friends fighting. Do you have any advice?

Sincerely,
Worried Friend

Dear Worried,

Something doesn’t add up here, quite.I can’t put my finger on what it is, but something about C’s reasons for not getting treatment, and the phrase “for many years”…I don’t know.Something about the situation is…hinky.

What jumps out at me is this almost parental role that you and J have had to take.C has these flashbacks and “other effects” (which you don’t specify), and you imply that you and/or J is always on call to deal with them; I get the feeling she requires a lot of attention and a lot of handling.And yet, she’s going to get a job as a teacher.That’s what you say: “She’s getting a job as a teacher.”Not that she wants one, or that she’s hoping to get hired; she’s getting the job.So she’s functional enough to get work.I point this out because it means, at least from where I sit, that she probably doesn’t require the constant care you think she does.

And pursuant to that, if she does require constant care, you and J are not qualified to provide it.She needs to go to the ER during her next flashback and get a referral to a support group, or a scrip, or she needs to visit a low-cost clinic or look in the yellow pages for affordable options — group therapy, a hotline, something.I understand that she has a lot of issues, but it is possible to get treatment for something like this; doesn’t your university have a health center?

I know you want to be a good, supportive friend, but you shouldn’t have to deal with this level of dysfunction on your own; she needs professional help, and there does come a point, which I think C has passed, when it’s no longer fair to ask your friends to treat emergent symptoms.And she may not see that; she may need to be told that, and it probably seems cruel, but again, you aren’t a licensed psychiatrist, which is what she needs.

Find her some resources and tell her, gently but firmly, that she needs to look into them because you and J just really can’t do this anymore — and don’t back down.

Hey Sars —

My first year in college out west I had a big fat crush on a boy I worked at the library with.We didn’t really hang out outside of work study, but made each other laugh a lot.He kind of scared me, as I was an overprotected Catholic school girl from a scary right-wing family, and he was into extremist forms of government, shaving his head, and very loud punk rock, but I still secretly loved him.

I transferred after that year to go to college in Boston and our only contact was a letter I got from him a couple years later at my father’s house.I was totally in love with my new college, my major, and my new boyfriend at that point and never responded.

Fast forward to January 2005 and my Library Crush sends me a message on Friendster.We start exchanging emails on a regular basis.At one point he made me laugh about something and I wrote back, “I wish you were in my living room right now,” at which point he responded, “Can I take that as an invitation to look into cheap flights to visit you in NYC?”

I said yes, and now he is coming to the city for the weekend.I am totally excited about this visit.Even though I haven’t seen him in a dozen years, I feel like I know him pretty well.I just have a logistical question.Where does he sleep?I live in a studio in Manhattan — one step above dorm room — and I don’t have a real couch, only a loveseat. I have frequent platonic sleepovers in my bed, but I don’t know if Library Boy would be comfortable with that.I’m assuming his intentions are not of a romantic kind in coming to visit, and I don’t want to make things awkward.

I’m probably overthinking this, but I’m trying to make a bit of a strange but cool situation as stress-free as possible for everyone.Should I give him my apartment and go crash at my best friend’s house? Should I borrow an Aerobed and make him sleep on that?

Thanks,
Come on-a my house (but bring your sleeping bag)

Dear Damn, Now I Have That Song Stuck In My Head,

I would borrow an Aerobed and have him sleep there, yes.If the sleeping arrangements should, you know, upgrade themselves at some point over the weekend, you can take it from there, but unless or until that happens, he should have his own sleeping space.

In fact, just buy an Aerobed; it’s a worthwhile investment.

Dear Sars,

Love you, love your site, particularly the baseball raps/rants.I’ve
got a usage question here, inspired by nothing other than this Vine.

I’ve always assumed the phrase “getting a by on that” was derived from
the concept of “going by” or passing by” a statement or behavior.In
your reply to “Blessed,” you say:

“2) that Jan and her mother are leveraging her divorce to get her a
bye on a manners issue”

Assuming, I take it, that the phrase is somehow connected to the
notion of “goodbye to that.”Any ideas on the derivation?I’ve often
seen this written “getting a buy,” which really doesn’t seem right:What
are we supposed to be buying?

Vindicated Bernie Fan

Dear 51,

The phrase is “getting a bye.”It means “getting a pass”; a bye is basically someone in a tournament or round robin who can advance to the next round without having to play a match (you’d have seen references to byes if you watched any of the U.S. Open coverage).

My dictionary of etymology doesn’t have an entry on “getting a bye”; neither does Garner, and the 11C just notes that the usage dates from the 1880s and is derived from the definition of “by” that means “past.”

So, I think your first instinct on the etymology is correct, but it’s always spelled “bye.””Getting a buy” is incorrect.

Dear Sars,

First-time writer, longtime reader. I have a dilemma here that I need a bit of outside perspective on. I’ll try to be as concise as possible.

I have an acquaintance, “Anne.” We went to university together, and hung out a great deal during those four years, and were relatively good friends. After graduation we stayed in touch on and off, until a few years later, when she helped me get a job working at her company. That was awesome — it always helps to know people in high places who can help you snag the job of your dreams. She was at the company for a few months with me, then moved on. No problems there.

My main issue with Anne is that all throughout our relationship, she would constantly make disparaging comments, or insult me in ways that made her sound superior. Many of our mutual friends have experienced these zingers. She has a “holier-than-thou” attitude, which is quite aggravating. Another frustration is that whenever we would make plans, like to go camping or do something involving advance planning, she would initially be all excited and eager to come with us. We would make arrangements, but inevitably she would back out a day or two before the event, citing money issues or some such nonsense. Her flakiness got so irritating, that we began to not invite her on these trips, knowing she would bail at the last moment. This hurt her, but we told Anne that bailing out at the last minute on paid events was rude and not respectful of our group — she should make a decision and stick with it, especially if we had counted on her coming, and paying for her portion of the event.

Since Anne moved on from her job at my company, our relationship has turned more into an acquaintance, seeing as how she now lives on the east coast, and I’m a west coast girl. Which is totally fine — I’m not sad to see our relationship virtually end.

I’ve sent her the rare email in response to her queries about what I’ve been up to, but I never get a personal response to the emails I send her. I don’t care too much, and don’t want to waste my time on a person who obviously does not want to make time for me.

This week Anne sent me an email gushing about how much she missed me, blah blah blah “It’s been ages!”-cakes. She will be in my area for a few days next month, and asked if she could stay with me, since the people she normally stays with will be away on vacation when she will be here. I know both of these women, and they will be here, but don’t want to see Anne.

My question is, how should I respond? What would you do if you were in my situation? I don’t want to be completely rude to her, but I honestly have no idea which road to go down. Any advice or slaps across the head would be welcome. Thanks!

Signed,
Unable to think of a witty signature. I blame the bad weather.

Dear Bad,

“I’m sorry; it won’t be possible for you to stay with me.Have fun on your trip!”

She’s inviting herself to stay with you; turn her down, and don’t explain why. Just tell her politely that you’re unable to accommodate her, throw in a cheery sign-off, and get on with your day.You don’t particularly like this woman, so if she gets stroppy with you, who cares?

Do not confuse “being completely rude” with “having boundaries.”Not giving other people their way all the time is not by definition impolite.

I know you should write thank-you notes for wedding
presents within a year (obviously sooner is better,
but I’ve seen that year figure multiple places). What
about baby gifts?

I had a difficult pregnancy. My baby
shower was canceled because I got put on bed rest just
before it was supposed to take place, so all the gifts
came by mail and I didn’t get a chance to thank people
in person. Now we have a three-week-old, and gifts
continue to arrive every day. I’m truly grateful for
all of them, but I have an ever-growing list of notes
to write at a time when I’m just barely managing to
keep myself bathed and fed and well-rested enough not
to shake the baby. How much slack do I get?

Sincerely,
New Mom

Dear New,

I imagine most people understand that, with a new baby in the house and a whopping eighteen minutes of sleep under your belt, the thank-you notes aren’t your priority right now.For the moment, just keep all the gift cards and receipts in a pile somewhere, and if you have a free minute now and then, write a note and send it.If not, wait until things settle down a bit; I’d say you have six months.

And that’s a plural “you,” by the way.You don’t say in your letter that your partner has no hands and is therefore incapable of writing thank-you notes him- or herself, so maybe pointing the parent who didn’t physically deliver the child in the direction of this minor chore is the thing to do here.

[9/14/05]

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