Dear Sars,

So there’s this boy.Psych.Actually it’s a man.Actually it’s a professor.
No, it’s not that kind of problem.I just figured you needed a break from the
usual opening.

So I’m in the midst of a year-long directed studies project with a prof I had
last year with no problems.It’s getting to be crunch time, so over spring
break (spring break, y’all!!) I turned in a draft of my thesis for him to read
and review.He sent it back, and was…less than complimentary.He threw
comments around like “?! next you’ll be going on about [boring literary
concept] and [boring literary concept],” which might have been a joke, I guess,
but if this one is a joke you can color me humorless; at one memorable point he
disagreed with my word choice, and simply wrote “ugh.”

I’m not even gonna get into the other ways he’s driven me bat-crap crazy over
the past year, as I’m not sure they’re relevant here (I asked him to write a
letter of recommendation for law school, he didn’t for three months, I had to kinda
nag him about it).I just wanna know if I’m overreacting in thinking this
isn’t exactly cool professorial behavior.Here I also should point out that
this isn’t the first time I’ve thought a prof did something beyond the pale to
me: a few years ago, one of them took issue with some stuff in a
required-for-class journal I wrote (right after 9/11 and my dad’s stroke, mind
you), saying that he thought I was too angry and needed therapy.So: what?Is
it me?Is it them?Is it me twisting the actions of them?Or do I just have
a special knack for attracting academic assmunches?

And if it is my prof
behaving assily in this case, what do I do about it?He is giving me a grade
here, and not to sound all grade-grubby and crap, but doing well on this
project will help me sew up graduating with honors, which I’d really really
like.So it’s not like I can just explode at him.What is the proper way to
go all “Oh no you di’int!” in situations like this?

Thanks for your help.

“Academic Assmunches” would be a good band name

Dear I’ll Look Out For Them At The Ren Faire,

I feel you, believe me.I’ll see your “ugh” and raise you an “in order to explicate a text, it often helps to read and understand it.”IN PENCIL.Only comment on the entire paper, except for my C-plus.I’d still like to glue that guy’s beard to the bumper of a golf cart.

I don’t think it’s you; I don’t know you well enough to say.But even if it isn’t, you probably have to decide which is more important to you — demanding his respect, or getting a top grade.The former is going to involve going to the dean, probably, or the department head, and in my experience it isn’t going to solve the problem; tenured professors have to commit murder to get anyone’s negative attention.

Ask to meet with him.Go over each comment and ask him what each one means; feign total ignorance of the meaning of “ugh.”Act as if you’re drawing his attention to the comments because they’re unhelpful, not because they’re rude — they are unhelpful, and you have the right to ask him to explicate them.Pretend you don’t see the sarcasm and ask with a straight face what he’s getting at and how you should go about fixing the error.Ideally, he’ll catch his snap and stop writing inappropriate and meaningless crap — but if that doesn’t happen (and it probably won’t), at least you’ll get some input as to how to do better next time and get the grade you want.

Hey Sars,

I have an issue.A few months ago, I broke myself
free of a really bad living situation in which I was
helping a handicapped friend who, unfortunately, was
very controlling and manipulative.After a couple of
years of helping her, I found myself actually
completely taking responsibility for her life while
she played the feel sorry for me card and jetted
around Europe (with help — she can get around, but it
is difficult for her.)

Anyway, the whole thing was
really awful at the end — I didn’t feel like I could
raise any issues with her anymore or set any
boundaries because she would just completely come
unhinged and start screaming at me.I couldn’t deal
with it, and I moved out while she was out of town.I
admit it was a cowardly thing to do, but I just
couldn’t have one more ugly confrontation with her.

I
moved to a bigger city about 50 miles away (where I
had been commuting to for work for the last two years),
and wrote to her saying I was leaving but would still
continue to help her, I just needed my own space.Her
family lives in the same town as her and I knew
between all of us, she would be taken care of.

That’s a long story to come to this point.Part of my
responsibility with her was taking care of our
collective 13 cats, who were great, but for the most
part, I’m a lot happier just having my three guys now.
The problem is that I had given my friend a cat when I
first moved in with her, but I ended up bonding with
the cat way more than she did.I knew she would flip
if I took the cat when I left and I really didn’t want
to hurt her, so I didn’t take her.

Now I’m just heartbroken that I’ll never get to see my
cat again because my friend totally flipped out when
she came home and said she never wanted to see me
again.I’ve never felt so torn up about a cat
separation before, and my therapist keeps trying to
reference it to the relationship with my friend being
gone, but honestly, I don’t feel that.If it was a
child, no one would question why I was heartbroken,
but even hearing it come out of my mouth, I feel
ridiculous for being so emotional about a cat.

So I guess my question is, am I completely crazy?Is
it normal to feel so attached to a cat?

Thanks, Sars.

J

Dear J,

You may not feel it consciously, but I think your therapist is right.Not that people don’t, or shouldn’t, have strong feelings about their pets, and miss them, but look at how much background information you gave me about the bust-up with your friend before getting to the alleged question.

I mean, you’re not crazy, and it’s normal, but I think there’s also an element of guilt or grief over the (long overdue, by the way) end of the friendship at work here.

Hey Sars. I love your work and I’m hoping you can offer me a bit of advice.

The boyfriend and I are both pretty private people. It works out well, as we’re both happy to just stick with our small group of long-term mutual friends and occasionally make small talk with a new acquaintence. But being private people is where the problem comes in, and why I think maybe we’re being too sensitive about this.

We recently went to a small, independent salon together to have our eyebrows waxed. The woman didn’t do a very good job — she put cold wax on him that resulted in a rash, and put hot wax on me that resulted in patchy eyebrows. Whatever. We paid, we tipped well, and decided in the car that we just wouldn’t go back there again.

But then, about three days later, we were sitting outside at Starbucks, and all of a sudden I heard a loud voice calling, “Hey, you! Hiiiii!” It was the woman from the salon. I sort of smiled and my boyfriend sort of waved, and then we turned back to our own conversation. But she approached us, and continued to talk loudly, saying things like, “I thought I recognized you…you two ARE the ones who got your eyebrows waxed the other day, right? Didn’t I do a good job?” We were terribly embarrassed, and people were staring.

If it only happened that once, I wouldn’t even be writing. But it happened again today. This time, she sat at a table about 20 feet away from ours and proceeded to ask all kinds of questions about when we’d be back in the salon for another eyebrow waxing, if maybe we’d like to get our hair cut and dyed next time, what we thought about her work. We responded with polite, noncommittal answers, but…it’s still horribly embarrassing. I absolutely DO NOT want to talk about my waxed eyebrows in public where a bunch of strangers can hear all about it.

So…is it strange that we’re so touchy about this? What should we do? Blatantly ignore the woman? Tell her to please keep it down? Avoid Starbucks altogether?

Thanks,
Wax on, wax off

Dear Wax,

Yes, tell her to keep it down.Ask her to lower her voice; tell her very pointedly that you count on your personal stylists’ discretion.If that doesn’t work, tell her you won’t be coming back to the salon, because she can’t keep your grooming business to herself.

You could also call her salon and tell the owner that he needs to have a word with her about this, but if you don’t plan to go back anyway, you might not want to bother.

Hi Sars;

I am on AIM with people who actually care about grammar.We have a
question.We’re trying to solve a crime, and have a clue left at the
scene. Which is correct: “If it was them, the police would certainly
know,” or “If it were them, the police would certainly know”?And in
this case, “them” is probably incorrect too, as it refers to a single
person, but of unknown gender (albeit wearing a big army boot).

Thanks,
Some AIM Users Care About Grammar

Dear Some,

“If that suspect left the clue, the police would certainly know.”

Dear Sars,

I think you give wonderful advice and I was wondering if you could possibly
help me with my situation.A friend of mine that I have known since I was
13 (I’m now 23) is getting married and has asked me to be her maid of honor.

I originally was supposed to be just another bridesmaid, but another
mutual friend of ours is unable to attend so I was “promoted.”I am not
looking forward to this event for several reasons.First of all, it is on a
holiday weekend.It is also out of state, several hours away.I just
graduated college about a month ago, so I don’t have the money required for
my maid of honor responsibilities and I feel bad that my parents have to pay
for it.

Another problem, the biggest one I think, is that I don’t like the
guy she’s marrying.I don’t know him too well, but from what I hear (from
her, not like I’m listening to gossip or rumors) is that he is basically an
underachiever and not interested in making any kind of effort to get a real
career.My friend, although a very smart girl when it comes to academics,
does not have the same intelligence when it comes to guys.She has dated a
string of losers before this guy, and has also wanted to marry every guy she
has dated since high school.I feel bad that I can’t help thinking that the
marriage will not last.

So here is my question.Considering that I am less than enthusiastic about
the whole event, and do not know the groom well at all, do you have any
pointers on what I should say in the toast that I am required to give?I
don’t have a problem speaking in front of people, and normally this sort of
thing wouldn’t faze me at all.Another thing you should know is that I am
a terrible liar, so I am dreading the approaching weekend, having to pretend
that I am happy with the whole situation.Please help.

Maid of Horror

Dear Maid,

First of all, learn to act.The maid of honor is a legal witness to the marriage, so if you don’t approve, either say so and bow out of the wedding or find a sincere way to wish her luck.

The toast doesn’t really require any more of you than that — say a few nice things about your friend, congratulate her, raise a glass to her happy future, and sit down.You don’t have to get into a whole celebrity-roast litany of her single-girl sins, or say anything about whether you like the guy; just wish the couple luck.You can do that with genuine feeling, can’t you?Especially since you think they’ll really really need it?

This is the thing about weddings: You’re on the bus, or you’re under it.Unless you plan to plant feet and tell her why her husband-to-be isn’t suitable, you have to get on board with the wedding going forward and, at least on the day, be happy for her, or feign happiness convincingly, because it’s too late to do anything else.

[9/15/04]

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