Hey Sars,

You kids today.No one uses the telephone anymore?The advice to
Parentheses was good, but it seems to me that the technology involved might
be part of the problem.With the avalanche of emails I receive daily just
trying to conduct my business life, I can’t imagine the load if this were
also to include messages regarding my personal life.Yeah, he responded to
the first one, I know.However, how many times have you mistakenly deleted
an important email.Maybe, like me, he is a supreme procrastinator and is
still trying to get the reply “just right.”

For pity’s sake, if you’re going to write to an advice column about the
issue — why not just pick up the telephone and call the guy to see what his
deal is?I think Parentheses would find the results of the direct approach
to be much more satisfying.

Just my two cents worth,
John

Dear John,

I agree with you in principle — but Parentheses shouldn’t have to do that, really.I don’t think Shmo needs excuses made for him based on the technology, and “a few weeks” isn’t procrastinating in this situation; it’s avoidance.Shyness is an excuse that only gets you so far.

Yes, perhaps his email’s spam-guard software accidentally scrapped her email, but it’s not like Shmo initiated an email or called Parentheses, either — it’s not a misunderstanding he cared to clear up, in the end.

Sars, great work on Tomato Nation, TWoP and, I’m sure, whatever else you’re
up to. Wanted to follow up on your response to Ryan about comma placement in
dates. Would you say your no-comma take applies to city-and-state references
as well? I’m thinking of a sentence I just edited here:

Nokia of Finland led the market with 28% share in the first half of 2003,
and Motorola of Schaumburg, Ill., was No. 2 with 27%.

I’m a proponent of the comma after the year in dates, and the comma after
the state in sentences like that one. What say you?

Best regards,
John Edwards

Dear John,

I feel the same way about city-state references as I do about dates — the extra comma is unnecessary and puts a hitch into the sentence that messes up its flow.(Same goes for a patronymic like “Jr.””John F. Kennedy, Jr., died in a tragic plane crash” just looks amateurish to me.)But let’s go to the videotape.

Neither of the Garners on my shelf seems to have an entry addressing city-state punctuation specifically; I looked under “dates,” “addresses,” “city,” “state,” and “punctuation,” but no joy.It’s probably safe to assume that he views it as he does the date issue.

It’s hard to tell what the Chicago Manual thinks.It instructs writers to “set off the individual elements in addresses and names of geographical places or political divisions” with commas, and gives two examples, but the first is ambiguous: “Please send all proofs to the author at 743 Olga Drive, Ashtabula, Ohio 44044, as soon as they arrive from the typesetter.”That looks wrong to me — I’d have gone with “Ashtabula, OH 44044 as soon as they arrive” — but I can see why the last comma is used.Then the second: “The plane landed in Kampala, Uganda, that evening.”Meh.I really don’t see the purpose of the second comma, but…okay.

Neither the Writer’s Digest encyclopedia nor Zinsser offers anything, so I guess we have to go with the only source on the record.But if a piece came in to me with “Motorola of Schaumburg, Ill., was No. 2,” I’d chop out that second comma and change “Ill.” to “IL.”It’s incorrect, probably, but it looks cleaner to me.

Dear Sars, Almighty Grammar Goddess,

This is a grammar question, I guess — it’s a question about a common expression. I made some vague reference in my online journal about how I hate it when people say “If I never saw [fill in the blank] ever again, it would be too soon.” I argued that it wasn’t literally correct, and that the correct use of the expression is “If I never saw [fill in the blank] ever again, it wouldn’t be soon enough.” One of my friends read that entry, and she commented in the journal that “would be too soon,” is, in fact, literally correct. Apparently, it is a very important issue to her, because it started a big comment war (basically to the effect of “IS NOT!” “IS SO!”), a comment war that I would like to end, which brings me to my question: Which one is correct, if you interpret both literally?

Trying desperately to end an asinine fight,

Puzzled

Dear Puzzled,

“If I never saw [x] again, it would be too soon” is correct.It’s hyperbole.You hate [x], is the implication, and even “never” isn’t a long enough time for you to go without seeing [x].It’s the same principle that guides expressions like “that two-hour meeting was about three hours too long.”

Your version doesn’t make any sense in context; it implies that you do want to see [x] again at some point, and the point of the expression is that you don’t, ever.

Sorry, but your friend is right.

Sars,

You steered me right on how to get out of buying rounds at the bar when I only wanted one beer, so I have another question for you.

My husband and I have always been pretty low-key housekeepers, (i.e. we’re slobs). However, we recently moved to a nicer apartment, and perhaps spurred on by better surroundings, I’ve become more sensitive to cleaning up. I’ve been cleaning up more often and although I like how it looks, I’m getting sick of my husband not doing as much. He says he would clean up, but I always get to it first. He says if I just left it (the dishes, or the vacuuming, or whatever) he’d get to it eventually. I suggested a schedule and he flat-out said no. He’ll clean when he’s ready, and if I want it sooner, I have to do it myself.

I can kind of see his point — if he developed a sudden need to Windex the windows every week, he’d be doing that alone — but we’re talking basic chores here, and at most once a week. Any suggestions on either an irrefutable argument on why he should do as much as me, or a way to lower my standards and be able to outwait him?

It seems inherently unfair that he doesn’t have to clean just because he can stand a lot more dirt than me.

Want to Marry the Scrubbing Bubbles

Dear Bubbles,

First, stop thinking of it as “unfair,” because it’s not going to get you anywhere.He doesn’t care, period — and you didn’t used to care either, so it’s a little late to start resenting him for it now.

With that in mind, reassign the chores according to a more effective guiding principle.Right now, you’ve got the household work organized according to a time schedule, and that’s not working, so set it up along different lines — for instance, you do the short-term stuff, and leave non-time-sensitive jobs like window-washing and gutters and paint touch-ups for him to do more or less when he likes.Sure, that leaves you with most of the day-to-day stuff, but at least the day-to-day stuff gets done without any arguing, and when it’s time to take the drapes to the dry cleaner, you get to put your feet up with a magazine.

Either that, or stop “getting to it first.”Let the dishes pile up.Do your own laundry and leave his in a crusty pile.You’ve got him trained to wait long enough for you to get fed up and do his share for him, so either do his share and don’t complain or learn to let it go.

Hi Sars,

Wow, my first letter to an advice column since I was 13 — cool.I’m not good at small talk, so I’ll plunge in.

I am a medical transcriptionist who works from home.A few years ago, I walked out of a fair-paying job where I felt I was being treated like an animal.Nice backbone, maybe, but I had a small child to support, no savings, and no job lined up waiting in the wings.To make matters worse, I live in a part of the country where about 85 percent of the jobs require you to be bilingual (I’m not) and/or have a college degree (I don’t, long story, not germane).

I had expected a job to drop into my lap, as all the other ones had, but I was deluded.I went for several nerve-wracking weeks without work, and finally (another long, irrelevant story) landed a job doing transcription for a lady who ran a home-owned business.A “subcontractor” contract was signed, which laid out the terms of our agreement, including the payment process.A week or so later I landed a part-time job doing medical billing.

For the first year and a half, things were great and I was very happy working this way — a bit of social interaction in the morning, and making money from home in the evening.Gradually my workload increased, and I was happy enough working for “Dolores” part-time that I asked if she thought she could take me on full-time.She assured me that there was plenty of work and she’d love to have me as a full-time typist.So I gave my notice at my part-time billing job, and became a full-time transcriptionist for Dolores.

The very next paycheck was two days late — a first.She called me in a frenzy, explaining that her biggest account hadn’t sent the check and she didn’t have the money today, but she’d have it the day after tomorrow — she was so so sorry, she begged my forgiveness.I told her, “I just got my income tax refund, so I’m okay for now.Any other time, I’d be in a mess, but this is a good time for an emergency to happen!”She nearly wept with gratitude and sure enough, the check was there for me two days later.

The next paycheck after that was also a few days late.Her explanations were a little less frantic this time, but still the same deal: The doctors haven’t paid her, so she can’t pay me.

A few days here and a few days there, and after a few paycheck cycles, she was a week behind.I wrote her a letter and pointed out that our contract clearly stipulated that SHE was the one responsible for paying me, not the doctors — my next paycheck was a full two weeks late, and my mother had to help me pay my rent.

To cut to the chase, after exhausting every possible option — and after several eleventh-hour turnabouts — I took Dolores to small claims court.I won, of course, and was awarded slightly more than $2000.Dolores was given ten days to pay; after that I had the option to place a lien against her property.Of course she didn’t pay, and I now have a lien on her house.

She refused to pay, saying I’d violated our patient confidentiality clause by identifying the doctors for whom I typed in my SCC case — I was required to identify the doctors, but didn’t give any patient information (that would have been irrelevant anyway).I tried to press charges against her when she refused to pay.The detective said it’d have been a felony because of the amount involved, but the DA’s office turned it down since there was already a judgment in small claims court — which is still being ignored.

For the record, she ripped off other typists too, and I contacted them about also filing complaints, but two of them were too afraid of her (she’s apparently got quite a temper, though I haven’t really seen it) and the others had only lost small amounts — less than $200, not worth the hassle in their eyes.

I’ve got a good job now and still do transcription from home, for a reliable company.However, recent medical and vehicle woes have got me painfully strapped.I’m under a LOT of financial stress (cried myself to sleep last night) and there is not really anyone to whom I can turn for a temporary “hand up.”I feel like I’ve done everything I can do legally to get the money she owes me, and the system is kind of stacked against me.(I can’t approach the doctors directly for it, it’s been too long for one thing.There is a “contractor’s protection” law that says that if a subcontractor isn’t paid by the contractor, the customer can be sued — my parents just got slapped with a lien on their house because the guy they hired to repair their roof didn’t pay his suppliers — but that only applies to construction work, or so I’ve been told by the attorney I consulted.)

I’ve talked to local media — they are all too aware of it being a “platform” for me (though I tried to dress it up as a Public Service Warning: “Here’s what to do if you work as a subcontractor, here are your rights, this is what happened to me, be sure it doesn’t happen to you” kind of thing) and of course they’re not going to give airtime to my personal grievances.I offered Dolores a “deal” — payments, 75 percent, don’t worry about the interest, whatever — no response.I had a friend call, ready to claim to be a collection agency — Dolores won’t answer her phone unless she knows the caller.

If I threaten to speak to her accounts (as nearly everyone has advised), then I’m breaking the law — extortion or slander or whatever that is — plus, (1) the doctors aren’t likely to care, as it doesn’t affect them, and (2) it’ll just make me look like The Obviously Crazy Woman out to destroy That Nice Lady Dolores.

I’ve tried just forgetting about it, and have done fairly well for a year or so, but now I’m sitting here thinking about how drastically that $2000 would help me — and there’s no hope of getting a windfall from anywhere else…I’m desperate enough to try again, to try nearly anything.Can you, or your readers, think of anything I can try (that won’t land me in jail), or do I just have sit around and wait until she dies and file a claim against her estate? (With my recent health issues, unless I find a way to afford my deductible I’ll probably be dead before she will.)

Stiffed in the Sun City

Dear Stiffed,

I think it’s time to stop spending time, money, and energy on Dolores, and to find realistic solutions to the financial issues you’ve got in front of you instead.

I guess you could turn the judgment over to a repo agency, but I don’t know if that’s legal in small claims cases, or what rights a lien gives you — and in any case, repo men keep a big chunk of the proceeds, so even if you can exercise that option, you won’t get the full two grand.

And that’s the bottom line.You’ve probably spent close to that much on detectives and attorneys already (and if you haven’t, they’ll take a cut of the money you do get), and Dolores probably figures that, because you offered her a deal, you don’t have the stomach for coming all the way after her — which, from the sounds of it, you don’t — so she’ll just keep shining you on.It’s keeping you up nights, and it sucks, and Dolores sucks, and it’s not that you don’t deserve the money, but the fact is that you can’t, and shouldn’t, count on that $2000 to bail you out anymore.

Maybe the readership has more experience with this kind of thing than I do and can offer some pertinent advice, but I think it’s past the point where you can expect to get the two thousand dollars.You’re throwing good time and money after bad.Focus on more likely prospects in the here and now and try to let this go.

Hi Sars,

Longtime reader, first-time wisdom-seeker. I’m not a good writer, so this
will likely be convoluted and too long, but I’ll do my best.

S and I have been best friends for as long as I can remember. She has been
with her boyfriend, D, for about three years, and since she has been with
him, I guess I have moved down a spot in her important people list. Which
is fine with me, but of course I do miss her. We used to do absolutely
everything together.

Now, for as long as S and D have been together, D’s
brother, M, has had a girlfriend. When we did things as a group, we had
alot of fun, but M’s girlfriend was always quite distant — I recently found
out that this was because she was jealous of me, and thought that D and S
were trying to set M and I up. Since then, M and girlfriend have broken up,
leaving just four of us in the group, having a lot of fun together. I then
found out that M was quite interested in me. I had always thought of M as
being attached and therefore out of bounds, but I did think he was a nice
guy.

Anyway, cut to a few weeks later; M and I have been out on a couple
of dates, but nothing serious. In fact, when it is just the two of us
together, we can barely have a conversation and things are just extremely
awkward and stilted. He also made a few cutting comments, but I think they
were out of nerves and not nastiness. After telling S all this, she told me
that it was because M was quite nervous around me and also had had a bad
history with girls — basically he’d been through it all. So at this point,
instead of doing the sensible thing and realising that since M and I had
almost nothing in common and couldn’t keep a conversation going for longer
than 30 seconds, it just wasn’t going to work, I took pity and thought I’d
give it another chance, keeping his sob story in mind. So we went out again
and it was better, but still not that great.

About a week after that, I went on a ten-day holiday with a few friends. M
was very worried that while I was on holiday I would meet someone else, and
I had told him that this holiday was about time out and getting away from
work. I wasn’t going to meet guys there. Anyway, my friends were quite sick
for the first couple of days, so I had a very relaxing time just being by
myself and doing a lot of thinking.

During this time I decided that it was
just not meant to be between M and I, and that when I got back I was going
to let him know that I didn’t want our relationship to go any further than
a friendship. Aside from the stuff I have already mentioned, I realised
that I was trying to make it work for all the wrong reasons — I had been
single for a long time, I really liked the group dynamic and didn’t want to
break up our happy little group of four if anything went wrong, I loved
being able to spend time with S again, and I felt kind of sorry for M and
didn’t want to see him hurt again. After making my decision I felt much
better about the whole thing and knew that it was the right thing to do.
Then two days later I met someone else, R.

For about a day after meeting
him I felt terrible — that I shouldn’t be pursuing something with this new
guy when M was back at home, essentially waiting for me. But R and I got on
so well and really just clicked. I have honestly never felt so comfortable
around someone in my life. Since the holiday finished (a week and a half
ago), we’ve talked on the phone every night and he came to visit me on the
weekend (he lives about three hours away). I’m planning to go up to his place
this weekend and basically, things are amazing. Unfortunately, because we
have both been busy, I haven’t been able to catch up with M yet. So I’ve
suddenly been turned into a two-timing hussy.

My question (finally!) is this. As things never really got beyond the
friendship stage with M (there was never any physical contact. Like, he
didn’t even hold my hand!), do I need to tell him that I don’t want to
pursue a relationship with him, or can I just let it fizzle out and keep
seeing him as friends in the group situation, but not go on any further
dates? Also, if I do speak to him about it, do I need to tell him that I
met someone else when really R had nothing to do with the decision? He is
definitely going to find out about R and that I met him on the holiday
eventually.

Thanks, Sars. I hope you can make some sense out of this and help me out.

Not really a hussy

Dear Not,

If M made assumptions about the two of you, it’s really his mistake.I mean, you never even held hands, you don’t really have any fun together, and he’s wibbling about whether you might meet another guy on vacation?Whatever, dude.

I suppose you could just let it fizzle, but given the group dynamic, I think a Rip Off The Band-Aid approach is the smartest thing to do, politically speaking.Invite M out for a coffee and explain that, while you really like him, you don’t see things going anywhere with him romantically; you hope he understands and you hope the two of you can remain friendly.Don’t mention R; don’t explain.Just kibosh it officially and move on.

M can think what he wants to about R, if and when the time comes, but if he really thought you two had something special, well…again, whatever.

[9/16/03]

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