Dear Sars,

I’m not sure if I’m crazy or if this kind of
construction is actually wrong:

“My laptop is being temperamental today.”

Isn’t “is being” redundant? They’re both forms of the
same verb, and “My laptop is temperamental today”
conveys the same message…doesn’t it?

Signed,
Is being annoyed

Dear Being,

It does and it doesn’t.”My laptop is temperamental today” is more concise, sure, but it doesn’t say exactly the same thing; we can infer that you mean the laptop is behaving in a temperamental fashion, but “being temperamental” has more of a specifically present-tense connotation than “is temperamental” does.You could get that from the word “today,” I guess, but there’s a gradation of meaning there; it’s not identical in meaning.

I’m not doing a great job explaining this, but imperfect tenses tend to convey more of the ongoingness of an action.It’s a little harder to delineate when it’s the verb “to be,” and in the present; past imperfects make it clearer, viz. “he said” vs. “he was saying.””Said” implies that it’s done with, said, over, whereas “was saying” has more — elasticity?It’s an ongoing action; it’s got less authority but more breadth.

Still not explaining this well at all.Sorry.

Here’s the point: Garner doesn’t have a specific note (that I can find) on the imperfect, but I think the unwritten rule in Latin applies in English, namely that it’s more colloquial, but not incorrect.”Is being” is kind of a clanky construction because two “to be”s are yoked together, but it’s not wrong.

Hey Sars!

So here’s the deal.My fiancé and I are planning our wedding for late
summer/early fall of 2005.I’m trying to narrow down the guest list and
potential reception halls — but before I do that, I need to figure out how
much money we are playing with.My parents have offered to pay for a
portion of the wedding, which is great.So I asked Fiancé to check with his
parents to see if they are going to contribute financially as well.I made
it clear that this is not necessary, I just need to know so that I know how
much WE need to come up with.

Fiancé tells me that his mom already said she wants to give us (as our
wedding gift) $7000 to pay off his college loan.Now, Sars, you know as
well as I do that the interest on a college loan ranges from about nothing
to 4%.I’m going to be paying my low monthly payments until my kids are in
college.And that’s fine.So I said to Fiancé, if she wants to give us
$7000, it would be better put to use toward a down payment on a house (since
we have none) or to pay for a portion of the wedding/honeymoon (for which we
may need to open a credit card and charge some amount).Credit card
interest is at least twice what he’s paying on that loan — I’d rather avoid
any more debt in that vein, pay for as much of the wedding as we can up
front, and continue paying paltry college loan payments for a few years.

However, Fiancé is not very financially savvy and none of this makes sense
to him.He thinks $7000 is $7000 and has no problem with having credit card
debt when this is all through.He already has a ton and doesn’t have good
credit to begin with (while mine is perfect with no debt except college).

Okay, so finally my question(s) — do I let Fiancé explain all this to his
mother?Or do I get involved directly?Is it in bad taste to try to
dictate what such a generous gift should be used for?Why doesn’t a
60-year-old ex-teacher understand such a basic part of financials anyway?

Thanks Sars, you rock!

Trying to be Practical and Not Greedy, I Swear!

Dear Greedy,

I hear you, but…it’s a gift.I don’t know that I’d recommend trying to influence it overly; it’s bad breeding.You might explain to Fiancé what you just explained to me, again — or see if it’s possible to take the seven grand and do with it what you please, but if his mom wants the money to go to the student loan, it should probably go to the student loan.

So, talk to Fiancé once more and see if you can’t get him to 1) understand the numbers and 2) use that understanding to influence the direction of his mom’s gift.But if it’s no go, or if he doesn’t want to antagonize her by asking that it go to a different purpose, let it go.Again, it’s a gift, and it’s 7K more than you had before, so try to accept it in the spirit in which it’s intended instead of thinking of how you’d rather have had things go.

Dear Sars,

I have a dilemma that I need an unbiased opinion about.I’ve been with my boyfriend now for a year and a half.We’ve been living together for about six months and nary has a problem arisen so far.

Having said that, I’ve been trying to get enough money together to go back to school and get my degree in nursing.Recently (and this was not initiated by me) my boyfriend’s mother (whom I love and adore, we get along great) offered to give me a no-interest loan to pay for school.My first instinct was to politely turn down the offer and keep going about my merry way trying to do this by myself.

After further reflection, the idea became more and more enticing.If I keep saving up for school, it could take me years to get enough money together to go.My boyfriend’s mom makes a very good living, and I know she wouldn’t offer if she couldn’t afford it.

The problem I’m facing is that if my boyfriend and I ever decide to end our relationship (which I don’t foresee but one never knows), whether on good terms or bad, I’m afraid it will become a mess of epic proportions. I’ve asked a lot of people I know to give me advice about this situation, and the answer I’ve been given by nearly all of them is constant: this is a financial situation between me and Ma, not me and the boyfriend. This sounds right in my head but I can’t shake the nagging feeling that maybe it’s all wrong, and it’s really my desire to “cut a corner” talking.I just don’t want to further complicate a potentially complicated situation.Any insights you could provide would be much appreciated.

For The Love and Money?

Dear And Never The Twain, Et Cetera,

I agree with your other correspondents; this is a business arrangement between you and Ma.

That said, arrange it in as businesslike a fashion as possible.Get the terms of the loan in writing, both of you sign off on it (not metaphorically — with your signatures, and a notary seal), and make it clear to her that regardless of what happens in your romantic future, you don’t want it to affect your financial future.

If she won’t put a payment schedule in writing, don’t take the money.No — don’t take the money.The lending of money between friends and family can get ugly in a matter of seconds if you don’t have everything clearly laid out and agreed to in a binding document; make sure you’ve got that before going ahead with this.

Dear Sars,

I’ve tried five times to write this letter, but my thoughts and emotions are so muddled, which is why I need advice, but makes the writing part hard. So I’m going to try my best. Thanks for bearing with me.

First, the dreaded backstory:

My boyfriend of three years and I got married last August. After getting married, I moved about 300 miles away with him to be in his college town as he finished his last year. We didn’t get along so well up there. I lost my grandmother a week after the wedding, and just a bunch of stuff happened that made it hard to find my footing. While I found friends, I missed my close friends and family.

Then the money situation became a problem. All in all, we were not getting along well for awhile. In my mind, though, we had a lot of good that far outweighed the bad.

After yet another apartment disaster (the apartment from hell did not help the situation), and not being able to make money where we were, we decided that I would move back to our hometown, where there was money to be made, at least more than where we were. Cut our losses, and all that. He’d move down to be with me in two and a half months, to do his internship. In the meantime, we’d see each other frequently.

We’d done the long-distance thing before, and it was never too bad. So it wouldn’t be awful, I thought. I moved with our kittens into my parents’ house to save money while I worked and looked for an apartment. Things seemed like they were looking up.

Then came the extreme flakiness. First, he went to visit his brother on my last weekend with him. That bothered me, since it was my last week up there, but it was supposedly one of his last chances to visit his brother at his school, so I tried being supportive about it. He was supposed to come home that Sunday, but decided to stay there for a few days, after which, he was to come visit me since he had a week off. Never came. He was supposed to come home the next weekend, but couldn’t get a ride. Next weekend, same thing. All the while, he was nearly impossible to get in touch with. He said it was phone problems, which was possible, because we are on the same plan, and I often don’t get my messages.

Finally, after three weeks apart, during which he said that he still definitely wanted to be with me, he came home for the weekend. We were staying with my parents. Everything seemed okay. I was a little rattled from his flake-o-riffic month of unpredictability, and he was tired from the trip, but things seemed good. We had sex, and got Taco Bell, and watched some TV. He got to see the kittens, and they were incredibly happy to see him. When we went to sleep, though, he left to smoke a cigarette and, unbeknownst to me, locked himself out of the house, and couldn’t get back inside. I was asleep, and didn’t realize.

The next day, he pulled his incredible disappearing act again, and apparently went to a parade with his brother and friend. I could not get in touch with him all day. I finally got in touch with him hours later, and again, he cited phone problems, and Sars, seriously, guys’ flakiness always seems to be accompanied by massive phone, or back in the day, beeper problems.

Anyway. We got together and ate some dinner, and basically he told me that he was starting to feel better after I left. He’d been feeling depressed, and not like himself. When he saw me again, it made him anxious. He said that we make each other miserable, and don’t understand each other, and that he was considering leaving me. But that he still loved me and didn’t want to break up “right then and there” because he didn’t know if that was the right thing to do, and thought there was still a little bit of hope. He said that he needed more time and space, but would be in touch.

He never was in touch. I left him a couple of messages and emails, then backed off, trying to give him space, but also wishing he would maybe drop at least an email or a text message saying he was alive. But I didn’t hear from him. After two weeks, I called him. It was heartbreaking, because not much has changed, but he sounded more like himself, and I know that he still loves me. But then? Phone problems! We got disconnected and I never heard back from him. That was three days ago.

So Sars, my long-awaited questions are:

1) Am I in really, really deep denial? It seems like I am, but I also know he’s been depressed, and I can empathize with that. But my heart is so worn out from all of this, and confused. I still love him, and can’t believe he’d give up on a marriage after seven months. Maybe we shouldn’t have gotten married last August, but despite the tough seven months, we had three great years before that. None of this makes sense.

2) What should I do? File for divorce? I plan to seek an annulment if it comes to that, but in NY, you have to get divorced first, which takes a year. I feel like I keep waiting on him, and he keeps letting me down, and the longer it goes, the more it hurts. I asked him to go to counseling, but he hasn’t agreed or disagreed to it. Our talk was two weeks ago. How long do I wait for him?

3) What about the kittens? You’ve said a few times that cats don’t have such long-term memories, which is comforting in this case, because it breaks my heart to see them look for him. My husband and the boy cat were BFF, and it is so sad. He (the kitten) has been very depressed. Is there something I can do to make this time easier for them?

Okay, I think I’m done. Sorry for the length, and thank you so much for reading it. And thank you so much for your wonderful websites, writing, and advice.

Lonely with Kittens

Dear Kit,

1) Yes, you are.2) File for divorce, now; do not give him any more time.3) They’ll get over it.

I’m sorry to put it so baldly, but I think you need to accept the painful truth so that you can get on with your life: He does not love you, not anymore, and he does not want to be married to you.The “why” is not important; yes, he’s depressed, and I’m not unsympathetic to that, but there’s “depressed,” and then there’s “pretending your wife doesn’t exist,” and the one really does not excuse the other.

He’s not dealing; he’s not going to.He doesn’t want to work things out; he wants you to go away.It’s really shitty that this is happening, and I know it doesn’t make sense, but it is what it is, so — go away.Today.Begin divorce proceedings, not as a wake-up call for him but because the situation is too far gone to be fixed.Which, I assure you, it is.

It hurts, it’s horrible, believe me I understand, but your patience will only be rewarded by more of the same thoughtlessness and ambivalent whining.You’ve tried it his way and it hasn’t worked; if you keep trying, you’ll only regret bothering later.Get out of it now.The cats will adjust.

Dear Sars,

Just a quick question in hopes that you’ll be able to give me the answer to
something (quite trivial actually) that I have wondered about for quite
some time.

I believe that [sic] is used to indicate a misspelling or grammatical error
in a quote but I’ve always wondered what the letters s-i-c in [sic] stand
for. A word? A phrase? I’m flummoxed.

Thanks for any light you are able to shed.

Always wanted to know but didn’t know who to ask

Dear Always,

It’s not an acronym; “sic” means “thus” in Latin, and when it appears in a text, it indicates that the error appeared (…”thus”) in the original text, and that the author who is quoting said text is aware of said error.

[9/16/04]

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