Dear Sars,

Here’s one that you’ve never answered: what should I do with my journals?

I have a bunch that I’ve written in for the past decade and was storing them in the basement. I decided to go through them today to see if there’s anything worth saving and then shred the rest (or, likely, all of it). But…I don’t know, some of it was interesting to me and surprising so many years later. In the end, I really didn’t want to shred them.

I guess my major concern is that they’re going to be read when I die. Which, hey, I’m dead, who cares? But I worry whoever is reading it will a) think I was nuts (it’s my feelings/experiences plus bad poetry, To Do lists, writing one funny thing a day, venting a lot of vicious anger whose origins were unknown, etc.), or b) be really hurt if I ever wrote something mean about them.

I’m thinking of storing them in the basement again but including some sort of disclaimer on top not to take any of it too seriously in the case of postmortem perusal. What do you think?

Journally

Dear Journally,

I have a bunch of past journals stashed in various places, and I’ve had the same thought about them from time to time — or wished some sort of mechanism existed for vaporizing them instantaneously upon my death.

In the absence of such a sci-fi solution, what you do depends on how much time and energy you want to devote to journal security.You can put them all in a safe-deposit box or a locked fireproof safe of some sort, then leave instructions in your will that, when you die, the executor is not to handle them without witnesses present and said witnesses must ensure that s/he shreds the journals without reading them.You can also scan key pages that you think you might benefit from reading later, and encrypt or password-protect them on a thumb drive that you bury in a public park on the night of the new moon…you see what I’m getting at.Unless the journals contain soap-opera-twist-level information, you only want to spend so much of your time among the living worrying about their perimeter.

I think you have to make a command decision to trust anyone who might read them after your death to understand that it’s just venting — or trust your heirs/assigns/whatever to dispose of them without reading them, for their own sanity.

But your best bet is probably to razor out the pages you’d like to refer back to; keep them in a blandly labeled file folder that’s likely to get tossed without comment if you’re not around to supervise; and shred the rest.

Sars,

I have an etiquette/personal property situation to which I absolutely do not know how to respond. I am hoping you’d have some wisdom to share.

I have a magnificent life with a group of fabulous friends in City A. Prominent in this group is one of my very best friends ever, M, and his live-in girlfriend C. M is one of those people who goes out of his way to be helpful, considerate and generous with other people, and has always been right there for me during times of struggle. C is somewhat less enthusiastically altruistic, but she is also wonderful and kind and giving.

In the last couple of years, I fell in love with an old friend who lived in City B about 2000 miles away, got married and moved there.After awhile, it became apparent that new hubby was a douchenozzle, it was impossible to find employment/financial solvency in City B, and I was miserable and isolated away from my life in City A.

Then douchenozzle hubby made alternate living arrangements that left me with nowhere to go, so I left 99% of my belongings behind, packed up my kid and my cat in my compact car and returned to City A with almost nothing.I managed to get both a job and an apartment, but the job is part-time with a medium-low wage, and I had a waiting period before the lease started where I was couch-surfing with friends.

M and C have another friend, R, who was at the same time in a romantic situation that was far more tragic than mine. Her situation was causing her to move from City A to City C, and she had a lot of household belongings she did not need or want to take.She heard about my situation from them and decided she wanted me to have anything I needed or wanted from this collection.This ended up including a very nice chair, an ornate floor lamp, a desk, some other smaller furniture items and a bunch of kitchen goods.

Because the start of my lease happened a few weeks after her departure, all of these things went temporarily to M and C’s storage space.When we moved them into storage she seemed very excited to be giving these things to me, knowing they’d be helping someone who really needed it.

My lease started a few days ago, and M helped me move all these things from storage.When he got the furniture to load, he brought out the desk and nothing else.I inquired about the chair, the lamp, the other items and he simply said, “Oh, C decided she wants to keep those.” I was so stunned that I didn’t say anything, and only the desk and kitchen stuff was moved to my apartment.

Now, however, I’m annoyed and upset.M and C are a DINK household, and while they aren’t rich, they aren’t living off of a single crappy-paying part-time job and sporadic child support either. They can afford to purchase their own chairs and lamps, while I now have an apartment with no seating and no way to buy any until I land a better job (and yes, I’m applying to things like mad).

I do not know if at some point outside of my presence R gave them a green light to keep anything she was giving away above and beyond anyone else, but I do know that when I was around her, she was quite clear that she believed those items were being given directly to me.

Do I just shut it and be grateful for all the help and things I did get, or should I be asking for/demanding the chair/lamp/other stuff?How do I go about doing so without seeming petty, ungrateful or rude to such good friends who usually are my greatest help?

Sure, go ahead, take that candy from that baby

PS I do not have means of contacting R directly without asking M and C for her information.

Dear Candy,

You’ve got a twofold question here: whether you should have gotten the furniture; and, if you in fact should have, how to get it now.You feel that you can’t ask R directly, which I don’t think is true; you could always let them think that you just want to thank R for her generosity (which you should probably do anyway), but I can see how going straight to R without letting M/C address the disparity first might feel like tattling.

Your best bet, I think, is to ask M and C for R’s contact info, while opening the door for them to clear up the confusion:

“Can I get R’s phone number or email from you?…Well, I’m puzzled about the furniture situation.It’s totally possible that I misunderstood R, but I was actually under the impression that R meant for me to have that chair, as well as some of the other stuff.I haven’t talked to R, so I don’t know if she changed her mind — what was your understanding of the situation?Because I’m not trying to cause a problem, but I have nowhere to sit right now, so before I go out and buy a chair, I’d just like to know what the deal is there.”

Say it as pleasantly as possible, and then do not say anything else.Do not give in to the urge to let them off the hook; do not pass any snarky comments about how their household “doesn’t need” that stuff or “could buy their own,” because while this may be true, the fact that other people’s household income exceeds yours does not entitle you to anything.

The issue is whether R is lending you the furniture, and if she is, why C box-blocked you and took it.So, you want to take a tone of gentle confusion…and then you want to sit without speaking, and not talk yourself out of what you want.Leave the DINK stuff out of it — just state your understanding of the situation and let M and C address it.

If you can keep it pleasant and concise, he may talk themselves into turning over the furniture, but if not, then you have to decide whether to involve R.I wouldn’t, myself, especially if more than a week or two has passed, because it’s a favor, not a signed contract, and pressing the point would only cause hard feelings.

But you might as well call M and C on it now, to the extent that you feel comfortable — and in the future, make a note to plant the flag at the time, when these things happen.And maybe to remember that C is a mite shady.

Hi Sars,

I have a combination family politics/wedding etiquette question.I need to give you some background, apologies for length.

My partner and I have been together four years.When we started dating he was not out to his parents (at 47!) and insisted he would never tell them.As we got serious, he realized he would have to come out if we were ever to have a future.So, he did and all seemed okay at first, in fact, Partner’s dad told him he had known for years.They consented to meet me, and we had a couple of slightly awkward dinners, but overall we got along pretty well and things seemed okay.

Fast forward a few months to dinner at Partner’s parents’ house and I am to meet Partner’s brother for the first time. My partner did not come out to him in advance or prepare him for my presence at all.He comes out to Brother by saying, “[Brother], this is my boyfriend, [my name].” (And he got an earful about this tactlessness later on, believe me).

Anyway, major drama ensues.Brother storms out of the house and no one can get him to come back inside.Eventually we eat without him, and he drives home alone, even leaving his wife behind with no transportation home!My partner and I have not seen or spoken to him in over two years now.Hell, I couldn’t pick him out of a police lineup, I only saw him for that five minutes before he stormed out.

A month or so after this is another family occasion, and Partner hosts at his house.Brother does not come.When Partner’s father arrives, he seems to be in a bad mood and clearly doesn’t want to be there, but claims he is “sick” so we don’t think too much of it.I made an unforgiveable slip of the tongue during dinner and called my partner “hon.”That was apparently just disgusting to dear old Dad.He slams his spoon down, says he just can’t do this, and storms out of the house.That’s the last time I ever saw him.

Since then, both Partner’s father and brother refuse to see or speak to me.When we want to see his family, we have some combination of his mother, sister-in-law, niece (brother’s daughter), and niece’s boyfriend (now her fiancé).All of them are perfectly lovely people.I think his mom is still uncomfortable with having a gay son, but she tries and she seems to genuinely care about me, if not quite think of me as an actual son-in-law.Sister-in-law, niece, and niece’s fiancé are all open-minded and perfectly accepting.

However, we know there are other family gatherings with Father and Brother that we are not invited to.Or, more accurately, it’s made clear that Partner can come on his own, but I am not welcome.Of course Partner refuses to accept such an invitation and this has been going on for years now.

Can you see where this is going?Niece and boyfriend just got engaged.I am certain Father and Brother will threaten to boycott the ceremony if I am included. Niece and niece’s fiancé have long insisted that they want us to be at the wedding, but that was in the hypothetical.As the date comes closer, when she’s a stressed bride with her father and grandfather trying to emotionally blackmail her I’m not sure she’ll be able to stick it out, and I’m not sure its even fair to ask that of her.I would love to go, but bottom line she deserves a great wedding and I don’t want to be the reason it gets ruined.(I know, I’m not really the problem here, but you get what I’m saying.)

Formal invitations haven’t gone out yet, but they will soon.Should I just accept the invitation and say the hell with them, since that’s what she says she wants?Should I bow out in advance, tell her not to invite me? Accept the invitation for now, but give her an out, tell her I will understand if she has to un-invite me later on?Other suggestion?

Homophobes Suck

Dear Agreed,

It’s hard to know where to draw the line between behaving graciously and avoiding situations you know will make you uncomfortable — particularly in cases like this, where the discomfort is caused by the bigotry, and resulting childish behavior, of others.

I doubt I have to tell you that, regardless of what you decide to do, and/or what decisions Niece makes, Father and Brother will not have a cinematic Very Special moment where they finally figure out how to act right, so your focus should stay on what will make you, Partner, and Niece the happiest.

Discuss it with Partner, which I’m sure you’ve already started doing, and tell him, you know, your family isn’t going to Get It, so with that understanding, what’s your ideal scenario here — and what do you think Niece is going to do in terms of bowing to familial pressure to shun you?

Then think about how you want to spend that day.Yes, Niece wants you there, and may very well stick to her guns on that point — as she should, because WTF, people — but if it’s going to escalate the drama, at the wedding or afterwards or both, do you or Partner want to deal with that?Not that it’s your fault, either way; none of it is — but the entire situation clearly causes aggro, and if not attending means that that doesn’t increase for you guys, maybe that’s an option.

But you can’t manage everyone in the situation; you can only manage yourself and Partner, and show good manners.If you want to go, go; if the family wants to raise hell over it, you can jump off that bridge when you get to it, but maybe someone in that den of dipshits is finally going to take a stand on Father and Brother being not just homophobic but rude and self-centered as well.Might as well give Niece a chance (…hee) to force the issue.

But if it doesn’t go your way in whatever fashion, keep in mind that at least you cared enough about trying to keep the peace to write this letter.Some of your in-laws are buttnuts; don’t make that anyone’s fault but theirs.

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