Hi Sars,

I’ve been reading The Vine for almost a year now and finally decided to
try writing myself.

First of all, I’ll try my best, but please pardon my grammar mistakes,
since I’m from non-English-speaking overseas.

Just a little about myself: I’m female, 23, finishing university (here
we have two additional years after classes). I live in the town the
university is, which is not my hometown, with three roommates.

Here’s the problem: I have no friends. I know A LOT of people and get
along pretty good with 99% of them. It seems just that I can’t establish
a connection with any of them. While we’re “forced” to be together, for
example attending classes or
similar, we get along great. But when these activities finish I’m back to
being all alone.

I had friends before, but we kind of drifted apart because we started to
have other interests and doing different things and just lost contact,
and it’s not like I had that many friends anyway.
I’ve been trying for the past three years to get new friends but I can’t
seem to succeed. I’m used to doing stuff alone and don’t really mind it,
but…it gets quite lonely, actually. When I’m around people it’s okay,
but when I go home, for the
weekends and for holidays, I become sad and very lonely.

I’ve tried to become friends with people in my class, but we just didn’t
click. I’m pretty active in a students’ society, yet I meet with none of
the other students outside the formal stuff. I’ve tried going on various
student camps, engaged in
various activities, met lots of new people, had a great time together
and never met again. I have two great roomates (don’t get along too well
with the third) and sometimes we go out together, but they have their
own friends and I don’t really
want to be intrusive and ask to come along every time they go out —
sometimes they ask me and I’ll usually go, but it ends with me feeling
excluded, so I’m not such a fan of going out with them anyway. Outside
our flat, during weekends and
holidays, when we are at our respective homes, we are rarely in touch.

I have some issues, I suppose, and an identity crisis that’s been going
on for almost five years now, with some happy islands between, but I’m
sure there are people in crisis who do have friends, plus I suspect a
lot of this crisis has to do
with the no friends fact.

I’ve tried making friends with people I know, it didn’t work; I’ve tried
meeting new people, and did meet new people, and it didn’t work either.
And yeah, I didn’t have a boyfriend in the last four years, either.

I really do try to be nice, to take interest in people, to be funny and
I think I am; I wouldn’t get along with people if I was unpleasant,
annoying or something like that and I don’t think I try so hard that it
would seem desperate and repulse others. I go with the flow of things,
adapt to the circumstances and don’t push things. It just seems that
everybody else already has some friends and they have no use of me.
Nobody ever calls me, so I don’t call anyone, because I’m afraid they’ll
think I’m desperate and pushy.

Is there a special thing people do to become friends? Because I haven’t
figured it out, and I used to know how to make friends. Maybe I stink?
Maybe people just pretend to get along with me and then laugh at me
behind my back? I try not to think about it, to relax and think that
eventually some people will want to get closer with me, but three years?
It has to be me, either doing something wrong or being
not-friends material.
Can you give me some advice?

Sure Looks Like I Could Use Some

Well, to start with, I’m not sure what you mean by “identity crisis” — I think you probably mean you’ve had some problems with depression, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve or can’t make friends.You might just have to change your attitude towards it.

I don’t mean that you have to be fake, or behave in a way that’s “not really you” — you can still be yourself.But you have to stop thinking that you’re doing something wrong, or that reaching out to people is pestering them somehow.Sure, people have friends already, but most people welcome making more friends, doing new things with different people — and if they don’t, to hell with them, really.

Try reaching out to people; try calling people.I suspect that, because you haven’t had much luck making connections with people of late, it’s contributing to a certain vibe you put out — that people might think you don’t want to make friends, that you’re kind of withdrawn and expecting that nothing’s going to come of it.So, try to get out of your comfort zone a little bit and make more of an effort, because the fact is that, if you seem shy or uninterested (and again, you might, just not on purpose) or you wait for people to come to you, a lot of people just won’t bother.They think you’re not into it and they don’t have the time to spend.

You don’t smell (…probably…hee), and there’s nothing wrong with you.You’ve just gotten into a rut with thinking that you can’t make friends, and it’s becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy.So, prophesize something else — that you will make friends and that you have something to offer.See if putting that out doesn’t bring people in.

Dear Sars,

Greetings from yet another long-time-reader-first-time-writer. My situation probably doesn’t have a specific answer, but all I’m really looking for at this point is some advice, and maybe a little reassurance.

I’m sixteen years old, and my mom died three years ago. I have a lot of unresolved issues relating to this, but the one concerning me the most right now is my rather warped sense of identity. My family (sans Mom) is my dad and little brother. Recently, my dad remarried, so family now includes stepmom (who I tolerate, mostly) and two stepsiblings. During the two years after Mom died and before Dad remarried, I lived with just Dad and Li’l Bro. Because of this, I think, I feel like my identity as a woman has vanished. Totally.

It’s not just a case of I-hate-skirts-and-the-color-pink. It’s looking into the mirror and being vaguely surprised when I see a woman instead of…well, not a man, but some non-sexual being. It’s having a total aversion to dating, sex, marriage, and children. My girlfriends all have their mothers to look to for guidance on boys, makeup, and other normal teenage girl stuff, while I feel like I’m blindly muddling through. I don’t really have many choices for a surrogate mother figure either, because the family friends, aunts and/or cousins who would be most likely to fill this role are pretty distant, geographically or emotionally.

I’m concerned about this lack-of-female-identity because I’m leaving for college in a year and a half. I’m scared to death, because on top of normal college worries, I feel like I’ll be heading out on my own as a less than whole person. I’ve been thinking about going to a therapist, but that brings up a whole bunch of problems as well. My dad would want to be involved (to the point of picking the therapist for me, more than likely) and would get extremely worried. I’ve put up an act of being very stable and relatively unemotional for so long, I think it would floor him to find out that I’m not.

So, basically, is there something really wrong with me? And should I try the therapist route, if only to get some semblance of guidance? Like I said earlier, this doesn’t have a straight-up answer, but any advice you can give will be much appreciated.

Signed,
Lost and Bewildered

I really doubt there’s anything “really wrong with” you.I do think, though, that there’s shit going on you haven’t dealt with, and that you should get some professional help for it — again, not because you’re messed up but because you’re unhappy.Whether it has to do with your mother’s death and your sort of stoic way of dealing with things or not, it’s not working, and it’s time to find another way.

And give your dad some credit.He’s your dad; it’s his job to take care of you and support you.It’s good of you not to want to worry him, but…he’s going to worry anyway.That’s what parents do.Let him give you a hand.I think you’ll probably feel better just admitting to him that everything isn’t hunky-dory.

Don’t worry, you’ll get it sorted out.But you should start getting it sorted out.”Scared to death” is no way to live.

Hey Sars!

I’m having a slight moral dilemma here and
need some advice.

Some background info: I’m a senior in college. There are two professors at my school that I am quite
good friends with — M. and S. I’ve known both professors for years
and have socialized with them both in class and outside of class (I’ve
gone to the movies, out to dinner, parties at their houses, et cetera).
Actually, I and another friend of mine even travelled around Russia
with these guys last summer.

So anyway, I’ve seen both of these professors drunk on numerous
occasions. Hell, I’ve been drunk with them on numerous occasions and
they’ve even bought me drinks before. Anyway, two weeks ago, I attended
M. and S.’s birthday party (they are the same age, and their birthdays are
only two days apart, so they have joint parties, yada yada yada). S. and
I were sober the entire time, but M. was plastered — and I have
pictures, lots and lots of pictures. At first I didn’t think much about
this, since I actually have pictures of both S. and M. drunk on other
occasions.

But (and there’s always a but), S. wants to play a joke on M. He has
asked me to help him and to use my pictures. Basically, since I’m
pretty good with Photoshop, he wants my help to play around with the
photos. He wants to make funny pictures and print them on magnets,
mugs, t-shirts, keychains, and a few other random things. At first I
said okay, because it was a funny joke and we weren’t going to
distribute the stuff to anyone but M. So, I printed out a few things —
magnets and keychains. Now, S. wants me to anonymously leave them outside
M.’s office door for him to find in the mornings. He wants me to leave
a couple of things outside the door each week until school is over. S.
said he would wait until I graduated to tell him who was behind the
prank.

My problem — should I do this? I mean, M., S., and I are all friends. BUT —
M is obviously intoxicated in these pictures. Would this somehow be
detrimental to his career? These “gifts” aren’t exactly hidden since
they are just being left outside his office door. Could he, or I for
that matter get in trouble for socializing like that? Or for him
allowing students to see him in such a condition (I was not the only
student present at the party)?

I know. This is a stupid problem. But I do need some guidance. I’m all
about playing practical jokes on friends, but I’m just afraid S. and I
would be going too far on this one. The last thing I want to do is
jeopardize the careers of M. or S.

Any help you can offer would be great.

Sitting on the Evidence

Tell S. that, as a student, you don’t feel comfortable participating in a prank on a prof, so you can’t help him.

Dear Sars,

I’m 17, and the major theme of my life this past year has been my college applications. Having received responses from everywhere, that period is now drawing to a close. The problem is that it really hasn’t gone according to plan. I didn’t get into my first choice, Extremely Prestigious University (not unexpected, due to a disastrous interview and intense competition).

However, neither did I get into my second choice, Quite Prestigious University. This came as more of a surprise, both to me and my school, as I had a much stronger application, exam results-wise, than several people I know who were accepted. My Head of Year read through my application after I told her what happened and said that my reference was basically fluffed by the teacher I was allocated to write it, and was nowhere near good enough to get me a place at QPU (EPU go mostly on performance at interview so it’s unlikely to have made much of a difference there). I had reservations about the reference when I first saw it, so I showed another teacher who assured me it was fine. While I’m slightly annoyed that they didn’t notice it was no good until afterwards, it makes no difference.

Now I have to decide whether to take next year out for work and travel in order to reapply to QPU (and maybe EPU while I’m at it), with a new reference written by Head of Year, or to go to Third Choice this September. Third Choice is beautiful, in a fantastic location, has some interesting aspects to the course, and has a really friendly atmosphere. I know that if I went there I would have a great time, but it is much less academically challenging than QPU. I can’t help feeling that I was unlucky with what happened to my application, so that tempts me to reapply (in addition to the attractive prospect of a year off), but on the other hand, I have no guarantee that things will work out better the second time and I’m worried I might end up going to somewhere no more respected and that I like less than Third Choice.

In addition, my school is academically selective, so I have been in a very competitive environment for the past seven years. Two of my best friends and about a dozen acquaintances got into EPU, where my older brother is now and where my dad also went. I know I have to decide what I’m doing without reference to other people’s situations, but I feel that if I settle for somewhere much less prestigious I will be forever marked as the non-academic one among both my friends and my family. I may just be over-sensitive, however, as my parents say it’s completely up to me what I do. I can’t decide whether to take the risk of giving up my place at Third Choice for a place somewhere else, which may not materialize anyway.

Does college choice really make that much difference to later life, and is it more important to have a good time and gain independence et cetera than to go somewhere respected and well-known? Sorry for the length of this letter, but I have been mulling this over for so long that every detail seems relevant. Thank you.

College Applicant

It makes no difference.Well, it does, but only as much as you let it.And you’re letting it control you and your self-image right now, which you need to stop doing.EPU didn’t happen; let it go.Go to Third Choice, get excited about it, pick a course of study you like, and work hard.That’s what matters.

I know it’s hard to have any perspective on it now, because everyone gets caught up in it and it gets all competitive and blah, but try to look ahead and focus on the future instead of on “fixing” your application and trading up to EPU or whatever.It’s just not that important, and if you don’t get in again the next time, that’s a year wasted.

It really doesn’t matter that much; nobody thinks less of you, except snobby assholes, so, you know, don’t be a snobby asshole to yourself.

I must be the crappiest person known to the cosmo universe.

So this guy, Ian, basically stabbed me in the back, led me on, and pushed me down into a dark cavern.And for some reason, I forgave him over a span of three months or so.I thought I was over this, but apparently I’m not.

He liked me.A lot.I thought I liked him, but I just didn’t know.He broke up with his girlfriend (part of how the backstabbing went) and was hitting on me all the time.I finally broke down and invited him over to my house, about 40 minutes away from where he lives.I totally didn’t mean to do this, but today I just lost it.I yelled at him for leading me on, for being a bastard to me, and everything else.Then I told him I never wanted to see his face ever again.

Now, looking back, I didn’t mean it.I still want to be his friend, because we were such good friends before the incident.I was PMS-ing and also sleep-deprived.I just don’t know what to do.Should I apologize, or is it too late?I know he’s angry, but he did do almost the exact thing to me, so I guess he shouldn’t be calling the kettle black.Aw, jeez.This makes no sense at all.If you do make sense of it, you’re more awesome than I thought.

Thanks,
Harlot

Apologize, but don’t expect that that will magically fix everything.You got pissed off, you reamed him, and maybe you needed to do that — or maybe you needed to take a break from the situation, and you sort of subconsciously chose this way to make yourself do that — but in any case it’s done.Apologize for yelling, tell him he means a lot to you, and let him decide how he’s going to handle it.

But if he decides he doesn’t want to deal with you, maybe that’s as it should be.He sounds like he’s not a hugely positive influence in your life; maybe this is best.If he does forgive you, maybe you should take a step back from him anyway.Drama reduction is always a sound plan.

[9/17/04]

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