The Vine: September 17, 2014
You probably have heard about the shooting at Mercy Wellness Center in Darby, PA last month.
I’ve been a patient at this practice for about 8 years. I see a psychiatrist (not the one involved in the shooting) every 6 months for medication management. In fact, I was there a week before the shooting. All the office staff I’ve dealt with over the years have always been very kind and helpful (damn insurance issues). I feel horrible for them.
Would it be inappropriate to send a card? Just to say I’m thinking of them during this difficult time. I go back and forth on this because a) I’m a patient, and I know there are boundaries, but b) I’d like to express some support, but then, c) is a card even an appropriate response when something like this happens?
As an aside: I have never met the doctor nor the case worker who were shot.
Signed,
Emily Post Doesn’t Cover This
Years and years ago, when I was debating whether to tell the first boy I loved that I loved him, I passed a sign in front of a tire shop that said, “It is better to say something and not mean it than to mean it and not say it.” It also probably said something about steel-belted radials, but that’s not the part that stuck with me, obvs.
Yes, you’ve got boundaries you want to maintain here, and if you sent each individual person a card, or bought flowers or a cake, I’d think that you’d need to step back and consider your motivations and your emotional involvement. But a plain card that says, “I’m sorry for your loss; thinking of you — regards, A Patient”? I don’t think that’s over the line.
You might also look up any memorial funds related to the incident or to those who lost their lives, and make a small donation with a note, but I wouldn’t say a card is problematic if that’s where it ends. That said, I don’t work in mental-health services and perhaps that sort of thing is frowned upon. Readers, you’re welcome to weigh in as always.
Tags: etiquette health and beauty
I don’t work in mental-health services either, but I say, send the card.
Because kindness matters.
Emily Post totally covers this, in a way, and her thought would probably be effectively the same as the tire store’s sign. If your intent is to help someone else feel better, and if you do it in a way that’s about that and not about you, go forth.
I also don’t work in health care, but it does seem like this is the sort of time when a sympathy/thinking of you all card from a patient could help the employees at the clinic to remember all the good work they’ve done and the people they’ve helped and that someone’s supporting them and on their side. Keeping it to a communal card keeps the boundaries pretty intact; compared, say, to turning up on a non-appointment day to individually make people talk to you about their feelings so that you can show how much you care. You’re not suggesting anything like that, and it’s going to stop at the card, so it seems very reasonable and kind.
I work in mental health. In general, cards are appropriate and very much appreciated because the staff (especially the secretaries and receptionists) don’t get many thank yous in a day. So a “thinking of you” card or a “thank you” would be fine.
Also, muffins. Because who doesn’t like muffins?
“I have been a patient of the XYX medical center for a number of years. All who work there have made it a warm and inviting place. I want to express my sympathies to all that were affected and those that work with them.”
Kindness is always the right thing. You have no intention of making it about you. And muffins. Muffins are ALWAYS the right thing :)
I gave Godiva chocolates to my oral surgeon and his staff for making my life easier.
I say, send the card, and maybe flowers or something like that, if you feel you want to. They could use the kind thoughts. :) (We need more people like you, you know. :)
What S says. You could even hand write a letter if you can’t find an appropriate card.
I’m bummed that we have to create etiquette for this sort of thing.
I worked in Mental Health for years. I think a card would be appreciated and appropriate. I appreciate you thinking of them.
I agree. A touch of kindness can reach further than any bullet. Like the others said, make sure it’s about them, don’t go in asking “did you get my card? Did you?” and everything’s jake.
I’m a mental health professional and I see no problems with sending or bringing a card. I think it’s a nice gesture.