Dear Sars,

Okay, I guess I should start by telling you that I’m a huge fan. I actually first came across you at MBTV, because a friend sent me there to read the DC recaps, which I loved.

On to my problem.

Well, I live in Australia. I’m 19. I’m currently in what I think Americans call freshman year of college? The first year, anyway. The thing is, I’m not an entirely antisocial person, but I don’t make friends very easily. I have a lot of friends, but I don’t personally really MAKE
friends, if you know what I mean. All the people I hang out with are people I went to high school with (my university’s teeming with them), or friends of people I went to high school with, or exes of friends of people I went to high school with…you get the point. They’re all connected by no more than than three degrees of separation from my high school, or else I’ve been introduced to them because they’re attracted to the charisma of my best friend (tall, slim, blonde, as opposed to me: short brunette, with the body and social skills of a ten-year-old boy).

Point is, I’ve made a friend. Well, two friends, actually, but one in particular is currently causing me problems. A guy in my philosophy class. He’s pretty cool, moderately good-looking, et cetera et cetera…from that it sounds like I’m going to say I have a crush on him or something, but I don’t;
that’s not my problem. It’s all fine except for one very small fact.

I have no idea what his name is.

Well, that’s not strictly true. I have more of an idea now than I did a week ago, because I very cunningly got hold of the class roll and, after eliminating such possibilities as Bonnie, Angela, and Laura, and crossing off three guy’s names which I could match to faces (two of them friends of high school people), I’ve narrowed his name down to eight possibilities. Our useless bloody tutor Dr. Bacon (I know, I know, but believe me, within two hours we’d already exhausted all the jokes) stopped marking the roll after the first lesson, so I can’t find out that way, and even though I know four people in my class, none of them knows his name either, and it seems a bit rude to ask now, having known him and having had conversations with him for over two months. Help me, Sars!

Love your work, baby.
Socially Inept

Dear Inept,

A similar thing happened to me once.My friend The Cruise Director had a girlfriend, Tea.We all really liked her.They’d dated for years.Somehow, none of us knew Tea’s last name, but the time to ask that sort of thing had long gone by, so we would sit around like, “Okay, you point out the window and yell ‘METEOR’ and I’ll look in her wallet.”Then, one time, Tea and I drove up to The Cruise Director’s Cape Cod house together, and I announced to my friends, “This is ridiculous — I’m finding out her last damn name on this trip if it’s the last damn thing I do.” Then, stuck in traffic outside of New Haven, we somehow got on the subject of whether we’d take The Cruise Director’s and the Biscuit’s last names if we ever married them.I saw my opening, and I took it: “Well, I’m not hyphenating mine to ‘Bunting-Biscuit,’ that’s for sure.” I could only hope that she’d say something like, “Well, ‘McTea-Director’ sounds terrible as well,” and sure enough, she did.A few miles later, we stopped to pee.Well, Tea stopped to pee.I hid behind I tire display and phoned Ernie.”We have last name!I repeat, we have last name!”

God, we were dorks.

Anyway, you’ve got three choices here.

1. You can yell “METEOR” and riffle through your friend’s wallet when he runs to the window — or make some other lame excuse to see his wallet, like “wanting to compare driver’s license pictures.”
2. You could, “out of the blue,” chat with him about marriage and keeping your names or some other random subject that requires him to impart that information.He’ll think it’s just in passing.You’ll get the info you want.
3. You can turn to him, cringe elaborately, and admit that you don’t know his name still and you’re horribly embarrassed and you suck and what’s his name, again?

The third option isn’t so horrible; two months isn’t so long that it would offend him mortally for you not to know his name.I couldn’t use it because I’d known Tea for, literally, years, but then, I did know Tea’s first name.

I’d go with Door #3.

Hi Sars!

All right, this problem may seem a little bit teeny-bopper, but it really is driving me crazy, and I’d really appreciate any help you could give me.

I’m a senior in high school and (oh, let’s just call it what it is) I have a crush on this guy.He acts like he likes me too.So what’s the problem?He’s a sophomore.In high school.He doesn’t look like it, and he doesn’t act like it, but he’s two years younger than me, and I’m having a hard time getting over that.

So any words of wisdom?So I just forget about the age difference and date the guy, or forget about him and try to find someone else?

Thanks for your help!
The Older Woman

Dear Older,

Just forget about the age difference and date the guy.

Yes, in high school, many guys act less mature than girls the same age.Yes, in high school, two years seems like a big difference.But not all guys act less mature, and two years isn’t that far apart, and if you like him and have fun with him, why the hell not?

You don’t have to marry the guy, after all.Put the age difference out of your mind and go have fun.

[9/18/01]

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