Sars,

First of all, excellent advice about Jerry, the check-low-balling
cheapskate who should be returning his bottles for the deposit instead
of screwing his friends into paying the whole check.

Secondly, I’ve always found it easier just to have each individual pay
for his or her own meal and drinks.This can be a bit of a pain if
there are a lot of folks, or if multiple individuals are paying with
plastic, but it really does save everyone from the cheapskate problem.

All Of Us Know “Jerry”

Dear All,

Yeah…everyone except the server, who is rightly wondering why a group of adults can’t just do the damn arithmetic and pay what they owe.Each individual is supposed to pay for his or her own meal or drinks anyway, if you see what I mean; separate checks don’t do anything but let the cheapskate lowball the tip on his or her own share, while giving the server a pain in the ass at the same time.

Calculating, and covering your share of, a check isn’t hard.It just isn’t.

Dear Sars,

Longtime reader, first-time writer, yadda yadda. Never thought I’d send you
in a question, but here it goes. My problem? I need a vampire slayer. Not a
slayer of actual, bloodsucking, too-much-hair-gel, scenery-chewing vampires.
That I could handle. Mine is much more serious. I’ve got an emotional
vampire.

First, some background: I met the Emotional Vampire in college, when we were
both RAs together in the same dorm in fall of 1999. We clicked as friends
right away, and became pretty chummy over the semester we lived in the same
hall. I moved away second semester, but we stayed close until I graduated in
December 2000. No big problems with the friendship; sometimes contact was
sporadic as our schedules got crazy, but, more or less, we were fast friends
and it was a good, solid pact.

Then I graduated and moved about 60 miles away from school, which she was
still attending. Things were fine — we visited every so often and talked on
the phone tons. Then she left and went to a graduate school in another state,
so we saw each other less often, but still maintained a good phone friendship.

But.

The EV is, well, to put it bluntly, a drama queen. That’s probably not fair;
she’s got alcoholism in her family, and while she herself is not one, she’s
definitely got many of the ACoA traits in her. (Myself having alcoholics in
the family, I see the signs in her.) But she has always had a difficulty
reacting to things in her life, be it bad grades, boys, you name it. At
first, I didn’t mind. I had a fair amount of drama in my life then, too, what
with school, girlfriends, and family stuff, and I got advice as equally as I
gave it. But as the years wore on, I began to feel a bit like I was giving
more than I got out of the relationship. I didn’t give it too much mind;
after all, everyone has periods of angst unrivaled by the furies of hell.

But now, more than three years after we met, I’ve had enough. I realized
several months ago that taking her phone calls literally sucked the life
right out of me (hence the pseudonym). I’d spend an hour on the phone with
her, mostly discussing the same problem OVER and OVER AGAIN, coming to no
conclusion, and then I’d get off the phone, scream my head off for a few
seconds, and then move on. But I couldn’t move on after a while, so I started
dodging her phone calls, or making up excuses to not call her back. Last
summer, she came out for an overnight stay and ended up staying an extra day;
I actually LEFT HER IN MY APARTMENT for a few hours just to get some peace.

Example: Last semester, she was “dating” another graduate student in her
department. She’s 23; he’s fortysomething. Not that there’s anything wrong with
that, but the age difference PLUS the fact that he’s spending this semester
abroad PLUS the fact that he was the first man she ever had sex with have
turned her into an obsessive fool about it, and I can. Not. Take. It.

The thing is, it’s the same problem over and over again, just with different
names. It’s always been “Oh, I like [insert boy’s name here], but he’ll never
notice me.” “Oh, I saw him today, but didn’t say anything.” “Oh, Jesus, he
talked to me and I acted like a total fool.” If it’s not a boy, it’s a
professor, or a friend, or some random stranger.

Now, I’m past the point of giving her gentle advice. Out of sheer
frustration, I shout at her to get her head out of her ass, which she doesn’t
do. I literally cringe when she catches me on the phone, but I don’t know
what do to about this whole thing. Somewhere inside EV is the gentle soul I
love dearly, but she’s driving me apeshit. I’ve suggested therapy. She went
twice and stopped, saying she didn’t like the therapist. I told her there are
others and that it can take time to find a good one, but it went nowhere. I’m
not doing her (or me) any favors by dragging this out, but I feel like a heel
every time I consider telling her that she’s sucking me dry. She needs help,
but I can’t be her free therapist anymore.

I don’t even know if there’s a friendship worth saving at this point; I need
to disentangle myself before I can figure that out. How can I save my sanity
and not totally bitchslap her against the wall?

Signed,
In Need of an Emotional Vampire Slayer

Dear In Need,

You just have to stop baring your neck.It’s as simple as that.

“But I’ve told her that I –“Yes, but telling her won’t do it; you have to back it up with action.You can say, “Your insecurity is driving me crazy, because you won’t take active steps to change these situations, and I really can’t listen to it anymore,” but if you then keep listening to it anyway, what does she get from that?

Decide how much of the unproductive whining you can tolerate, share that decision with her, and start enforcing it.Express sympathy, of course, but make it clear that, if nothing in the situation has changed, you don’t particularly want to hear any more about it.As it is, she thinks that all she has to do to get your ear is to endure a little frustrated yelling once in a while — and she’s right.Start changing the subject, and if it doesn’t stay changed, start hanging up.

As far as the friendship goes, it’s possible that she views the relationship as mostly a sounding board for herself, and if that’s taken away, who knows.But you can’t go on like you have.Set better limits and see how you feel once the main source of your aggravation with her is cut off.

Dear Sars,

A coworker sends out mass email jokes, which, until recently, I
automatically deleted. Yesterday I made the mistake of actually reading one.
The “joke”? A very nasty slam on the French. Did I mention that my dad’s
French-Canadian, and it’s his first language? Coworker knows this, has in
fact met my dad and has had lunch with both of us and other coworkers when
Dad was visiting.

With the rational part of my brain, I know I have to
respond and ask to be taken off his mailing list, but, of course, I’m dying
to say a little more than that. Coworker is of German stock and Catholic and
I know both have a history of persecution, because I have both German and
Catholic relatives. Then again, simply responding with the joke, replacing
“French” with “German,” “Catholic,” or “American” would get his attention in
a hurry. In my more enraged moments last night, I envisioned sending my
response to everyone on his list plus the owners of the company — we are a
fairly diverse bunch for a Midwest engineering company, and Coworker would
probably see some serious repercussions. But, well, I have to work with the
guy. And most folks here are pretty dang conservative and likely didn’t take
offense whatsoever.

So, any suggestions? Should I just leave it at “please
remove me from your mailing list”?

Half French, All Indignant

Dear Half,

Yes.Any reaction stronger than that is unseemly, disproportionate, and a waste of your time.

Hello Sars,

Hi there. I’ve been reading The Vine for quite some time, and I’ve got a question for you, that I’m hoping you can answer for me.It’s kind of lame, but it’s one of those things that continue to happen, and it irks me.

I’ve got this friend…we can call her “Annie.”Annie and I have been friends for the past two years…we met over the internet.We both share a passion for the same shows, so now and again we’ll co-author stories together.It began to get serious between us about a year ago, and now we call each other on a semi-frequent basis and talk for hours on end, mail each other things, visit one another, et cetera.

However (isn’t there always a “however”?), Annie is six years older than me.And sometimes…she has a nasty habit of lording that over me.I just finished my second year of college, and though I’m not the most intelligent person in the barrel, I have my moments.I’m also a lot more mature than she is — my life has been very hard, and I had to grow up very quickly at a young age.Annie has been sheltered all her life by her parents, and yet manages to make me feel like an idiot when I try and talk to her about certain issues like my stance on the war, my opinion about a movie, and now, my favorite TV show. She doesn’t like it anymore, so she rains on my parade like I’m some dumb impressionable kid.

When she does little things like correct my spelling when we’re in a chat, or tell me over the phone about the things I should change in the way I write and in the way I control my temper (and it is a beautiful temper), it gets me angry. It makes me even more angry when she pretends to know it all, and she makes me feel like a ten-year-old learning from her mama all over again.

I’ve called her on it. More than once.She apologizes, but a week or two later, it happens again. She’s got classic know-it-all syndrome.My question is…am I being too nice to her?We’re very, very close, as in girlfriends close — but does it even matter? I’m worried she’ll always treat me like this, like some inferior person to her.How can I change it?What can I do so that I won’t have to throw away our relationship?I know I’ve made her sound like an ogre, but she’s a good person at heart, and would bend over backwards and six ways from Sunday for any of her friends, and mostly for me, because I truly know she loves and cares for me.It’s just the way she is — am I making a big deal out of nothing?

Thanks Sars,
21 and Not Dumb

Dear 21,

It depends on how important is to you that she shut it with the know-it-all routine.If you genuinely want her to stop, you’ll have to start attaching more serious consequences to it than “calling her on it,” because — well, see my answer to In Need’s question.

You might look at why it bothers you so much first.The way you couch the issue is telling, in my opinion, because you don’t just say that it’s annoying; you make a point of mentioning that she’s had an easy life compared with yours, and that she’s sheltered.Which, if you think about it, is kind of know-it-all-y.And defensive.Why not just say to yourself, “Gosh, it’s sort of sad that Annie has to know everything all the time,” and just not care, because you know she doesn’t know everything?Or do you secretly think that maybe she’s right to lord it over you, that she does know more than you?

Know-it-all-itude bugs, but it comes from insecurity, and once you realize that, it’s pretty easy to roll your eyes and laugh at it.Try seeing it that way for a while; try hearing Annie’s comments not as how little she thinks of you, but as how little she thinks of herself, because that’s usually what’s going on with the Joe and Jane I Know The Waterfronts of the world.

At the same time, though, you have the right to insist that she respect you — your knowledge, your opinions — and to act in a way that drives that point home to her.And if that means withdrawing your friendship until she treats you like a fellow adult, well, maybe that’s what you need to do.

Dear Sars,

Recently, a very good friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend of four years. She didn’t seem upset about the breakup, which is understandable because they had been on the rocks for a while. Only one month since they’ve broken up, she’s slept with two different people. The first she’s supposedly supposed to still be dating, only she just recently slept with another guy who’s 10 years older than her. I have no problem with this, except she’s already talking marriage with the second guy. I only worry because I feel she’s getting in over her head, and is not thinking of the possible consequences with the other guy she’s dating. She seems to vaguely care about the first guy’s feelings and is all “isn’t he sweet” with the new guy.

Is this simply a “I’m free” situation after being in the same relationship for four years, or is it something I should talk to her about? She’s young and tends to dive into things pretty quickly (i.e. fall in love automatically) and I’m worried that in the end, she’ll only get hurt. My question: Is any of this involving her any of my business, and should I simply not say anything to her? Or should I speak my mind on the situation and explain my worries to her?

The Concerned Friend

Dear Concerned,

I don’t understand what’s worrying you, exactly.That she’s going to get her heart broken?She lives in the world; she’s going to get her heart broken, a bunch of times, just like the rest of us.That she slept with two people in a month’s time?Because around here, that’s what we call “amateur hour.”

She’s impulsive, she’s feeling her oats — so what?If she’s not taking hard drugs, or practicing unsafe sex, or in an abusive relationship, what’s to worry about — that maybe she’s having more fun than you?If my friends had an intervention for me every time I showed questionable romantic judgment, I’d still have a hymen, for God’s sake, so let’s distinguish between “concerned” and “judgmental.”

I really don’t think I should have to explain, in 2003, that the mere fact of a woman sleeping with a few men — or a few dozen men, or dating a few different men at the same time — after a breakup, or at any other time, is not by itself evidence of a pathology.A woman is allowed to play the field without it meaning that she Has Issues.Maybe you wouldn’t do things that way, which is fine, but it doesn’t mean she’s fucked up or acting out.It just means she’s not you.So, no, don’t explain your worries to her, because I don’t think they have all that much to do with her in the first place.

[9/2/03]

Share!