O Wise Sarah,

Should I get a tattoo?And if I do, should I talk to my husband about it first?Sheesh.

Here’s the situation. Firstly, we’re both grown-ups of the late twenties/early thirties variety.I had the thought that I’d like to get a small tattoo on the inside of my leg, just above the ankle.The significance of this particular Thing is an inside joke, but a special one.So special that we had it engraved inside our wedding bands.It’s nothing vulgar or trendy, and would be pretty meaningless to anyone else.

I don’t really have any qualms about having a tattoo, but does getting it hurt hurt?I have the top part of my ear pierced, and that was darned uncomfortable.So, the pain factor?

And should I tell him I’m thinking about this, or just do it?My only reason to keep it a surprise would be that I was going to get it for our anniversary.If I do that, though, he’s gotta be looking at my tattooed leg forever.But if we talk about it first and he invokes the husbandly Veto Power, then what?

Bowing to your Viney Wisdom,
The Supercat’s Attendant

Dear Attendant,

Yes, getting a tattoo hurt hurts.It’s ritual scarring.It’s going to hurt.But it’s not unbearable pain; I usually compare it to having your teeth drilled, but it’s not as bad because 1) it’s not going on inside your head, and 2) you don’t have to deal with that weird burning-enamel smell.How much it hurts also depends on the size of the tattoo, how much of the design consists of black ink, and where you put it.I don’t recall the one above my ankle hurting more than the others did.

If you tell your husband first, he might come up with a reason not to like it more easily than he will if you already have it.I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it’s my experience that, if you tell people you want a tattoo, they go, “Oh, don’t do that,” but if you just get it done and show it to them later, they don’t fuss about it.Well, my mother fusses about mine, but she’s behind the nose ring a hundred percent — there’s really no telling.

It’s a small design, it’s meaningful to you both, and it’s not like it’s on your forehead.Go ahead and get it.If he really hates it, he can save up to have it lasered off of you.

Dear Sars,

I do really enjoyreading your column andwould appreciate your advice on something that’sbugged me for a very long time.

Four years ago, my mother miscarried.I’mseventeen now, and our entirefamily (my mom, dad, and a thirteen-year-old sister)had been very excited.But, for no discernable reason, the baby died inutero.

The problem is this: ever since the miscarriage,my mother has been veryobsessive about her lost child.She often speaks aboutwhat the child would havedone for the world (cured cancer, created peace inNorth Ireland — that typeof thing), and my sister and I both feel that it’spast time for her to moveon. We celebrate the would-have-been-a-brother’sbirthday every year.Despite discreet hints about “it being time to letthe past go,” my motherwill not let the boy rest in peace.

My questions are these: How is this differentfrom another death?I hateto sound insensitive, but we did not have a chanceto know this child, andthat’s very sad, but I’m sure he’s in Heaven.Before the child, my motherwas the model of mental health, but now she’s almostobsessive.How can Itell her to move on?

Lise

Dear Lise,

I’m sorry for your family’s loss.

Here’s what I think is at work here.Your mother is sad that your almost-brother died, of course, but I think the obsessiveness comes from guilt.Your mother feels like it’s her fault, like her body failed, like she must have done something wrong in spite of what the doctor said about these things just happening sometimes.And I don’t want to read too much into your family situation, but that last pregnancy came along well after you and your sister.It’s possible that she didn’t greet the news of a late-in-life child with as much joy at first as she felt she “should” have — that, secretly, she had mixed feelings about it.So, it’s possible that the baby’s death hit her even harder as a result — that she felt responsible, or thought she’d hexed it somehow.

I don’t know any of these things for sure.But I know that celebrating the baby’s birthday every year is not a “celebration” — it’s a morbid form of atonement for her, the same way talking about what successes the baby would have achieved is an atonement.It’s like she’s trying to show the baby that, trying to tell him,”See how much pride I would have taken in you if I’d had the chance, how much attention I would have given you, even if I had my doubts, even if I made mistakes.I would have loved you so much.”It’s terribly sad, and it’s completely understandable, and every woman has her own way of coping with a situation like this…but your mom isn’t coping.She’s still waiting for forgiveness because she can’t forgive herself, I think.

Your mother needs to talk to a professional, to work through all the messy, angry feelings of grief so she can get on with her life and start accepting the death of her child.I don’t know how you’d go about telling her that.You might ask her conversationally if she’s ever considered talking to someone — a pastor, maybe, or a support group in your town, or a social worker.You could just mention that maybe she’d feel better, or that you’ve heard it helps.

If that doesn’t work, it’s probably time to talk it over with your father.It can’t have escaped his notice that, four years after the fact, his wife is not well.Tell him what you just told me.Emphasize that you love your mom and you want to respect her feelings, but that you don’t think you can continue with the birthdays and so on because it’s just not healthy, for your mother or for the family.See what he says.

I don’t know how far you want to force the issue — whether you want to opt out of the birthdays from now on, or to start gently confronting her with the fact that the baby is gone now and there’s no use talking about what he’d have done in a life he didn’t even start to live — but she’s got to be brought around, for her own sake and for the sake of you and your sister and your father.It’s not a thing she’ll ever “get over,” really, but she deserves better than to keep torturing herself with it, and so does your family.

[9/20/01]

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