Dear Sars,

I recently moved into an apartment at school with three good friends from the
past couple of years.We have all gotten along well in the past, but yet are
very different.

One big difference between me and my roommates is that I have a
long-time boyfriend.I really like to spend the night with him, but his
apartment is very noisy.He stayed here a lot before school started and it has
only been a week since school started.He stayed here on Tuesday, Thursday,
Friday, and Saturday night.

This weekend my roommates called a meeting.One in
particular wants to ban boys staying in the apartment during the week.My
boyfriend is very polite, quiet and courteous to them.He cleans up after
himself, never showers here, and doesn’t disrupt anyone’s sleep.My roommate
just says that she wants to know it is only girls in the apartment.And she is
worried about it being awkward if she runs into him in the hall in the middle of
the night when she goes to the bathroom.I do not share a bedroom with any of
my roommates, if I did, he wouldn’t stay.Am I asking too much for him to be
able to stay?Should he be staying less frequently?

I’m stuck.Right now, I feel like I have to choose between my best friends and
my boyfriend.What do I do?

Signed,
Lonely

Dear Lonely,

The issue isn’t that your boyfriend is rude or a dick; it’s that he…doesn’t live there.He doesn’t pay rent.He doesn’t have a room.This isn’t the arrangement your roommates agreed to; they thought they’d live with you, not with you and him.

That might seem like splitting hairs to you, but think of it from their side — four out of five nights last week, they had a houseguest whom they didn’t invite, and again, I’m sure your boyfriend doesn’t clog the drain or make noise, but he’s still in their space, and his loud apartment isn’t their problem, really.

The “during the week” part seems kind of arbitrary, but if they want to limit “people who don’t receive mail at that address” guests to, say, two or three nights a week, I think that’s fair of them.If you and your boyfriend want to spend more time together than that, you can invest in some earplugs.

Dear Sars,

I have a problem with a friend I’ve known through work for about four years.She’s smart, funny, loyal and kind.On paper, she’s got a nice life — she has friends, a great job, two adorable cats, and family that cares for her.But she’s miserable, and she’s making me miserable.

She’s 39 and single and really wants to get married and have kids.She has no marriage prospects on the horizon.Her whole life is about finding a man and trying to have or adopt kids.She haunts singles scenes, goes to alumni meetings, joins book clubs, and does online dating.Every hobby or activity she engages is is about finding a husband.I’ve tried to encourage her to do stuff just because she likes it — I think she’d be happier if she had a life apart from this hunt — but she won’t.However, that’s not the problem.

I’m 34 and married.The problem is that whenever my friend talks to me about her attempts to find a husband, and I try to be sympathetic, she attacks me for being a “smug married.”For example, on her birthday she was supposed to go out with some guy who never called her.When she told me about it, I tried to be sympathetic and I offered to take her to her favorite restaurant for her birthday so that we could heap abuse on him in style.She said, “You don’t understand! You’re like all my smug married friends!”One time when my husband (who travels a lot for business) was out of town, I asked her if she’d like to have dinner with me.She complained that “all my married friends only want to have dinner with me when their husbands are unavailable.”Needless to say, I’ve never made that offer again.

Sars, it’s not like I was born married.I was single too. I’ve tried avoiding the topic or not being sympathetic when she talks about her dating travails, but then she says that I’m uncaring.

She has a lot of nice characteristics that I haven’t mentioned in this letter.But I don’t know how to deal with her about the dating issue — I get attacked by her no matter what I do.And since she’s so focused on finding a husband, dating or activities related to finding dates are virtually all she talks about.As a result, I hold her at arm’s length — we’re “work friends” but I never see her outside of work.I’d like to be better friends with her, and she often says that she’d like us to do more stuff together, but I just can’t do it while this issue remains unresolved.Do you have any ideas about how I can talk to her about this problem and maybe open up a way for us to be better friends?Everything I can come up with either sounds stupid or opens me up to more charges of being inconsiderate.

Sincerely,
I’m Not An Uncaring Smug Married!

Dear Married,

If she were an outside-of-work friend, I would probably tell you just to lay it out for her — tell her what you just told me, that when you try to be compassionate, she just bites your head off, and you’re sick of feeling attacked.But she’s a work friend, which requires more careful handling.If you do feel that you can level with her about this issue — that you’d like to spend more time with her, but this single-minded focus on getting married (and the resulting prickliness) make that impossible for you — then you should.

But if you think she might blow up, or if she’s someone you have to work with closely and you think it might boomerang on you, you might just have to leave matters where they are.And if you do try to talk to her and she doesn’t take it well, or starts in again with the You Don’t Get What It’s Like Out Here business, then…ditto, I guess.If she’s not hearing reason, she’s not, and you’re probably better off not getting any more involved.

You’ve frequently said in your column that friendships
have a lifespan, which I can accept.

My question is: Do marriages have a lifespan too?

Sincerely,
T

Dear T,

I’ve never been married, so apply the appropriately sized salt grain, but yes, I think some of them do — not all, but some.I guess you could take the view that the marriages that end do so because they “shouldn’t have” begun in the first place, but I don’t know if I believe that.It’s nice to think that the personyou marry is the one you’ll grow old with, but sometimes people change too much over time for that to happen, and not in ways that let them remain compatible, and sometimes you realize too late that one of you has changed a lot…it depends on the people and the timing and a lot of other things, of course.

And none of this is to say that you shouldn’t try to extend that lifespan if you can, with counseling or making a more focused effort to spend time together or what have you, but…I think sometimes marriages just run out of gas, yes.

Hey Sars:

It has bothered me for some time now whenever I hear or see the word “flounder” used to mean fail. I always assumed the user meant “founder” and was off by one letter. Today, bored at work, I Googled and did find one source that defines “flounder” as “behave awkwardly; have difficulties.” Is this one of those deals where an incorrect usage has morphed into acceptance? If not, how the hell did the word for a flat fish come to mean difficulty?

Thanks for your thoughts,
You can founder in flounder, but can you flounder in flounder?

Dear Flounder,

According to Garner, “Both verbs signal failure, but the literal senses — and therefore the images conveyed metaphorically — differ.”But the trick is to leave the fish out of it; the verb “to flounder” means to flail around, as Garner puts it, “as if in mud,” while foundering has a gentler connotation, somewhat, that of going lame, or giving way, or sinking.

“Flounder” meaning flat fish has a different derivation (Middle English via Norse); the 11C lists “flounder” meaning “to thrash about wildly” as appearing in the language a century later — but adds that it’s probably derived from “founder.”

So, morphed probably, incorrect no.

Hi Sars,

I’m at a loss.I feel like a jackass and don’t know if I’m completely
insane or not, so I’m hoping you can help.My friends may be too close
and/or too protective of me to give objective advice, and I can’t trust
myself at the moment because I’m a baffled mess.The heart of my dilemma is
this — I don’t know if my spouse is cheating on me.I don’t really know if
I even have a spouse anymore.

I’m 30, female, and try to be a decent human being.I’ve been with my
spouse, “Kim,” for many years.I consider(ed?) her to be my soul mate, as
terribly cheesy as that sounds.She is (was?) my best friend.Like Totally
Blindsided, I thought my marriage was great — strong, easy, fun,
loving.I don’t know if it’s relevant, but Kim hasn’t worked in a while and
I’ve been taking care of all our responsibilities — financial, household,
et cetera.I worried Kim was getting depressed but she said she was fine, just
didn’t know what to do with her life.I recommended counseling anyway but
nothing came of it.

I came home early from work one day in July to hang with Kim and she tells
me she’s probably leaving me.She’s been thinking about it for almost a
year but hasn’t said anything.The reasons vary for about two weeks until
she settles on me smothering her (?) AND not being emotional enough.
Whether the emotional part was true in the past can be reasonably debated
(there were the usual host of extenuating circumstances, including
depression).It’s no longer true.I’ve made some great changes within
myself in the past few years.These changes have been noticed and
appreciated by almost everyone in my life.I’ve finally become comfortable
in my own skin and thought that was hugely beneficial to my marriage.
Apparently not, as Kim and I have been living apart for two months now.

My world crumbled that day in July and I was a mess.In August I started to
pull myself together because I have responsibilities.I’m in therapy to
help me cope.I’ve asked Kim to attend couples therapy (no dice yet).She
hasn’t said she’s definitely leaving me — she doesn’t know when she’ll be
able to make that decision.She has said she thinks she’ll wind up with me
“eventually.” She wants space but she wants to be friends.She seems pretty
angry with me about…whatever.It doesn’t really matter what I do or say, it
appears to be the wrong thing.I’m trying like hell to communicate openly
and honestly and save my marriage; she tells me I’m trying to make her feel
guilty.While I have had my “nervous breakdown” moments, and my desperately
sad moments, I’ve remained surprisingly calm when dealing with Kim. I figure
being calm, rational, and honest is the only way this might work out okay
for me.

A potentially serious complicating factor is our friend “Ann.”We met Ann
together about a year ago.The three of us hit it off really well and
became fast friends.Ann slept over a lot, in our guest room, rather than
drive home late at night.Kim obviously had a silly crush on Ann but it
didn’t bother me; Ann was flirty and fun with both of us.I had my own
silly crush at times and Ann said the same about me.But it was *nice* and
all in good fun — I was never concerned that any lines would be crossed or
feelings hurt.I also became good friends with Ann’s husband, “Mike.”I
felt a great connection with both of them and their baby.I did all the
stuff good friends do for each other.Ann and Mike were having problems and
I was there for both of them, without judgment or question.

Unfortunately, when Kim left me Ann didn’t return the favor.She sort of
disappeared for a while, but she was having her own problems so I tried not
to take it personally.Ann started spending huge amounts of time with Kim,
including sleepovers at Kim’s new place.I was hurt because hey, I was the
one who got dumped and now one of my closest friends out here wouldn’t even
give me the time of day.I was honest (but calm) with both Kim and Ann that
the sheer number of sleepovers bothered me, especially since Kim had asked
for “alone time” to figure things out with our marriage and our marriage was
my main concern.They basically told me I was nuts for feeling bothered.I
wondered if something was going on between Ann and Kim.I decided nothing
was awry because (a) Kim wouldn’t do that to me; (b) Ann wouldn’t do that to
me or to Mike; and (c) it looked so much like they were having an affair
that they couldn’t possibly be having one.I tried to chill.I reconnected
with Ann a few weeks back and felt really positive about the friendship (Kim
was away and Ann came over almost every day, just like old times).

Last week, Ann canceled on me twice.One of those times she went and stayed
at Kim’s place overnight.It turns out she does that a lot — a LOT.On
Sunday, I called Ann to try to make plans for an evening because we hadn’t
seen each other in a while.She said she was really busy all week and
couldn’t fit me in.I said that was too bad because I missed her and hoped
to see her soon.She said we’d “definitely try to make something work.”I
mentioned I was getting a weird vibe from Ann’s tone and because she’s
always at Kim’s, which is walking distance from me, and yet she never has
time to stop by.Was she not interested in continuing our friendship?Did
she want me to back off?Ann said I was crazy for saying that and told me I
paid too much attention to how much time she spent with Kim.(I don’t know
that I pay “too much” attention — it’s just noticeable when Ann spends most
days and nights there.)

From Mike, a few mutual friends, strained phone calls with Kim, and my own
eyes, I know Ann has spent the last six nights there.Four of these nights
were after she told me she was “too busy” to grab dinner or pop over for
some bad reality television.

This morning I had a brief chat with Kim and she said she was working
tonight (she got a job when she left me).Because I am stupid, I decided it
would be sweet to bring her flowers.I wanted simply to leave them at the
door so Kim would have something pretty when she got home late at night.
Imagine my surprise when I got to Kim’s place and Kim was there!With Ann!
And the baby!It was a fucking heartwarming scene, I tell you.

Kim
wouldn’t even let me in at first.She came outside and closed the door
behind her.She asked me what was wrong (duh).I stuck by my decision to
be calm and honest, told her I missed her, and told her I was sad to have
lost her and another friend as well.Kim told me Ann was still my friend,
she was just “really busy.”I asked Kim if anything was going on between
her and Ann; she said I was crazy.She got defensive and asked if I was
sleeping with Mike or some of my other friends (nope, but it would be a
logical question if any of them spent every night at my place).She told me
not to make her feel guilty for having a friend. I thought it would be best
for me to go (didn’t want to argue or cry), so I gave her the flowers and a
kiss on the cheek.

As I was leaving, Kim finally invited me in.I decided to be an adult and
accept the offer even though it meant seeing Ann and how thoroughly moved in
she looks at Kim’s place.Ann came down the stairs and gave Kim a look, and
asked Kim if she should go home (which…yeah, go see your husband!).Kim
said no.Ann said a very quiet “hello” to me and went back upstairs, not to
return until 15 minutes later when I was leaving.I said goodbye to her and
got a quiet “bye” in return, as she washed dishes.Kim told me to “take
care.”

So I ask you…what the fuck?My friends say Kim and Ann are having an
affair.Kim and Ann adamantly deny it and were pretty pissed when I asked
them (separately).Ann told me that my friends are not being helpful and I
should tell them to drop the affair talk.

I want to save my marriage.I want to save my friendship with Kim.I even
want to save my friendship with Ann, especially because I don’t want to cut
Mike out of my life.I do not know if any of these things are possible, so
I’m turning to you for advice.Am I right to be concerned about an affair?
How do I balance Kim, Ann, and Mike?Currently I call Mike whenever I feel
like it and he does the same — we’re buds.I call Ann maybe once a week to
check in — sometimes we talk, sometimes I leave a message and she calls
back, sometimes I leave a message and hear nothing in return so I don’t
press it.Sometimes Ann calls me or sends an IM.I rarely call Kim because
I’m trying to respect her request for space (I told her when she left that I
would try not to call her but that she could call me whenever she wanted —
sometimes she calls a lot, sometimes I don’t talk to her for days).When
Kim and I do talk, it is not for long.

My therapist says I seem reasonably well-adjusted, considering.I feel
reasonably well-adjusted until I talk to Kim or Ann.Then I feel like
perhaps I’m insane.What do you think?

Thanks,
Chicks Don’t Need Dicks To Dick You Around

Dear Chick,

I don’t think you’re insane.I do think it’s probably a mistake to continue to spend time with these people.

“But –“Yes, I know, I read the letter, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong, long-term, with wanting to maintain these friendships, but in the shorter term, I think you have to stop straining so mightily to hold it together — stop monitoring everyone’s activities so carefully, stop keeping such painstaking score of who spends how much time doing what with whom and whose turn it is to call back, stop pretending that everything Kim wants is fine with you.Or, if it is in fact fine with you, stop letting it be, because even if she’s going through her own shit right now and even if she doesn’t mean to hurt you…she’s hurting you.

I can kind of see where she’s coming from with the smothering-and-also-unemotional thing — you are keeping really close tabs on her right now, and yet you’re also trying heroically not to freak out.And I’m not criticizing you, truly; you’re doing the best you can in a situation that’s weird at best.But honestly?I think it’s time to freak the fuck out on her and then let go, if only because your current strategy really isn’t working.

So, lay it out for her.She wants space?She can have as much as she likes, because you really can’t deal with her indecision anymore — and you love her, and you miss her, and THIS IS KILLING YOU, and you can’t go on like this, just waiting for her to decide.So, she decides, now, today, and if the answer’s no, you’re done.

I know you don’t want to hear that answer, but…she’s already given it, kind of.She’s doing what she wants to do, and you’re hanging on her every communication, and I think for your own sanity, you need to put a stop to that.Ann is kind of secondary to this; it does sound like something’s going on, but it almost doesn’t matter.What matters is that you’re devoting so much mental real estate to this, and it’s probably time to accept that Kim is not coming around.

You and Kim might get back together in the future, but for now, instead of very carefully, holding-your-breath-ingly giving Kim her space, take some space for yourself.If the two of you are going to work things out down the road, you both need to take some time apart, I think, and if you aren’t, you need to get started on healing and moving on.

Have a state-of-the-union talk with Kim.Tell her what you feel; don’t varnish it, don’t worry about sounding rational.You really have nothing to lose at this point.If she’s saying the same old shit, tell her you need some time away, take it, and don’t make exceptions.

[9/20/05]

Share!