Dear Sarah,

I have a problem and I hope you can help me. I’m twenty years old and have been going out with this wonderful guy for about six months. He’s funny, intelligent, extremely kind, and all those other good things. Before dating, he was my best friend so it’s made our relationship now even stronger. After two months, we knew we were meant for each other and we’ll get married…someday. So what’s the problem, you ask?

Well, here it is: I’m Asian and my boyfriend is African-American. My mom disapproves. She values what my relatives think and what they will say if they found out. Also, the shame it will bring to the family and my breach of filial piety and blah blah blah. In the very beginning, I didn’t tell my mom because there was no point upsetting her unnecessarily just in case the relationship didn’t work out. But she found out, thanks to my little sister, and ever since then, she’s been telling me that it will be impossible for her to accept this relationship. She’s even told me that she has nightmares about it and it’s making her sick both mentally and physically. I thought perhaps over time I could convince her on it, but it doesn’t look likely. One day on the phone, she admitted that she does not like African-Americans and thinks they’re “dirty.” That phone conversation was very painful for me. I didn’t speak to my mom on the subject after that.

I can’t handle her prejudice. She knows that if given an ultimatum, I’d pick my boyfriend…that’s why she hasn’t given me one yet. I don’t know what to do. I love her very much. She’s sacrificed a lot for me. Should I keep trying to change her views? Will that even be possible? Or should I not bring up the subject ever again? My boyfriend, unfortunately, knows all about this. He thinks it’s all very stupid and it’s her loss if she chooses to act like that…he’s fine with it. His only worry is me. Sometimes I don’t care, but sometimes it depresses me. Please help me…I don’t know what to do about all this.

Sincerely,
Depressed

Oh, dear God. The parents of the world make me want to weep sometimes.

Okay, to the question: what should you do? I think that you should tell your mother, if you haven’t already, what you just told me. Speak plainly and directly; ask her not to interrupt you till you’ve said what you have to say. Tell her that you love her so much and you appreciate all that she’s done for you, and you don’t want to cause her any pain, on purpose or otherwise…but you love your boyfriend too, and you cannot and will not stop loving him because she refuses to overcome her prejudices. Tell her that you don’t want to choose between her and her boyfriend, and warn her that she shouldn’t make you.

You probably can’t change her mind about people of color, but I think you have every right to insist that she accept you and the choices that you make in your relationships.

I also think that you should talk to a counselor about the situation, because your mother is taking you on a first-class, all-expenses-paid guilt trip, and it might help a lot to talk to a neutral third party who could give you strategies to cope. I know she’s your mother, and I know you love her, but blaming you for making her ill and refusing to recognize and approve of your happiness is extremely manipulative and unfair of her.

You might also check out this link for support and helpful resources for people in interracial relationships. Good luck; write soon and tell me how things go.

[9/20/00]

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