Hi Sars,

You probably get a lot of letters for advice on this type of thing, but here is my dilemma anyway.I have a very close friend, one of my best friends, whom I basically fell in love with.Three years ago I had confessed my feelings, and back then we weren’t as close, but he didn’t feel the same way.Bummer, I know.

But, even though it hurt a lot and I should’ve moved on, I haven’t.We are closer than ever now and if he hadn’t rejected me before, I’d say there was something between us.I feel really torn, because on one hand I want to be over him and find someone else so I don’t feel so anxious about the status of our relationship.But, on the other hand I want to hold on to those feelings and the tiny bit of hope that’s always there.Only, I know if I do, and he finds someone else to date, I wouldn’t even want to be around him.

What do you think I should do?Right now I don’t even live in the same state as my friend, but soon I’m moving back to the same city.I feel like a silly teenager, agonizing over a crush, but he’s my best friend and I’m sure you know that can be a lot harder to resolve an issue like this.

Help!

Dear Help,

It isn’t going to happen.Three years have passed, and he’s made no effort to upshift from friendship to something more, so it’s safe to assume that he never will.In your heart, you know this, and yet you continue to pine.You have to stop, somehow.

I have done the very same thing.I have clung to romantic hopes that had long since perished.It’s safe.It’s familiar.It’s painful to accept that another person doesn’t return your feelings, and it seems easier just to tell myself that that kiss on the cheek lingered just a little bit, that that compliment on my shoes held a deeper meaning, that he doesn’t have a girlfriend because he really wants me.It’s perfectly natural, and you shouldn’t feel bad about yourself for “agonizing,” but it’s time to let go.

Sit the guy down and tell him that you still have feelings for him, which you realize he probably doesn’t reciprocate, so, as much as you care for him as a friend, you have to distance yourself from him a bit so that you can get your emotional house in order.It’s terribly hard, but it’s the only way to separate yourself from these feelings and move forward.Go out on dates.Spend time with other friends.Join a church.Distract yourself.As you do these things, think about why you have devoted three years of time and energy to a lost cause.I don’t doubt that he’s a lovely person, but he doesn’t love you.

[9/21/00]

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