Hey Sars,

I just had to write after reading Lost and Bewildered’s letter about
identity after losing her mom.I lost my mom at roughly the same age
and went through much of what she describes.I second your advice to
try the therapist route and that she should try to let her dad help,
if she can.I know I always felt like my dad couldn’t possibly know
what I was dealing with and it’s only been in the past couple of years
that I figured out he did.

When L&B is ready, Motherless Daughters is an essential part of the
grieving process.Every woman I know who lost her mother swears by
this book.It gives voice to so many of the issues we struggle with.
I read it every couple of years, just to reassure myself that I’m not
alone in my feelings.There’s even a handbook called, snappily
enough, The Motherless Daughter’s Handbook, that was really helpful.

One Who’s Been There

Hey Sars,

I have a question on behalf of my best friend, M…she is engaged and
getting married in a few months, to K.As usual, it’s a (future) in-laws
question.Basically, her MIL is a controlling woman, with a lot of issues.
Such as, she pitched a fit because they “weren’t registering for sheets at
Bed, Bath and Beyond.”They don’t even know where they are going to be
living yet, never mind what size bed they will have.Does that matter to
her?Of course not!Most recently, she saw an invitation they were
designing and went off at length about how “tacky” it was to make the guests
choose which meal they wanted.Because they “might get there and change
their minds, or want a cooler dish if it’s a hot day,” etc., etc., ad
nauseam.I’ve never been to a wedding where you don’t choose your meal
ahead of time.I think if she wants everyone to be able to pick, she
should foot the bill!

Anyway, the point of all of this is, what can they
do?K has told his mom repeatedly to quit it, will leave when she starts
(he calls M from the coffee place down the street…), but she doesn’t get
it.I know you really advocate just walking away from the situation, not
enabling it, and they try it, but she will literally follow all the way to
the car, going on and on.So what do they do now? K shouldn’t really move
out, since they are saving up for a house. Obviously, making a big scene
isn’t a great plan, but M is about fed up with it.She doesn’t want to make
enemies, and wants to be able to hang out with K’s family in the future, but
at this point doesn’t feel like she’ll be able to handle them.Any other
good suggestions besides “keep having coffee whenever things get bad”?
There’s only so much coffee a person can handle, after all…

Signed,
Lobster or Steak?Eh, I’ll choose later…

Dear Lobster,

I don’t understand — if the mother isn’t harassing M directly, and if she and K aren’t backing down on the various aspects of the wedding, there isn’t really a problem.Yes, she’s annoying, but she’s not getting what she wants, so — K just needs to learn the phrase “we aren’t doing it that way, but thanks for the suggestion,” repeat it, and learn to tune his mother out.

K might also consider telling his mother, “Look, we both love you and we value your input, but it’s our wedding, and if you can’t back off a bit, we’re not going to be real motivated to spend time with you from now on.Stop it.”That so seldom goes over well, but at least she’d be on notice that if she can’t button it, there will be consequences.

But the best bet is probably just to keep nodding all “uh huh, THANKS,” and try to ignore her.

Dear Sars,

I am a high school student. My parents are very traditional and are racist and sexist. They have a certain image on exactly what a girl should look like, how smart she should be and et cetera.

I am on the chubby side but I exercise a lot (five times a week) and I am pretty healthy. My parents, however, do no see that. They always call me fat and tell me to eat less. It makes me very sad and angry. My friends have suggested I just tell them how I’m feeling. So I did. I told them that calling me fat was very discouraging and to please stop doing it. My parents laughed in my face and they still do it. Please help me.

Love always,
The Chosen One

Dear Chosen,

It is a sad truth in this world that some parents are assholes.It is, I think, a sad truth in your world that your parents are two of those assholes.

But every cloud has a silver lining, and the silver lining here is that the opinions of assholes are often worthless, as they are here.I know it’s hard not to care what your parents think, especially when what they think is so insulting and careless of your feelings, but that’s exactly why you should try as hard as you can not to give a shit about these comments about your weight.You take care of your health; that’s what should matter to them, and if it doesn’t, well, fuck ’em.

My own parents are not assholes, so I don’t know what it’s like to have to deal with this firsthand, thank goodness, but I imagine it’s really lonely.Try not to let it get to you.It’s not anything that’s wrong with you.It’s that…they’re assholes.You might remind them of that from time to time — that it’s mean and uncaring of them to keep harping on your weight.You might also begin a journal, and catalog all their assholic words and deeds for later publication; it’s no substitute for their un-assholing themselves, but it’s satisfying in its own small way, and perhaps you could publish it as a zine called Assholitude Begins At Home.But most of all, remind yourself that their assholery is not your fault, and if you feel really down about it, check out counseling services at school or talk to your friends.

One day, you will be shut of them.Until then, don’t let them tell you who you are.Also: zine.I’d read it.

Sars —

I’m bringing this question to you because as knower of all things great and small, especially internet-related, I thought you might be able to help.

I have a good friend who until recently was living in Queens and working in Long Island as a restaurant manager.He had some problems with his job and told me ahead of time he was looking at leaving his position and finding something.In fact, he sent me a “I quit” email about two months ago.However, since that time his landline, cell phone, and email have all been disconnected and his roommate (who was also his former boss) told me he moved out and roommate neither knows or care where he has gone.I’m a little concerned about my friend and when I’ve had some time at work I’ve tried doing people searches to see if I can locate him, but the information I’ve found hasn’t been very useful.I also think most of the free information is pretty outdated because I plugged my own name in and the phone number and address it gave was five years old.

So, to get to the point, do you have any suggestions on tracking someone down?Or perhaps your readers might have found a site they thought was particularly useful?I don’t mind paying some money if it actually leads to my friend, but I don’t want to pay these search sites $50 for a five-year-old address.

Thanks in advance,
Searching Hopefully

Dear Hope,

You don’t usually get much better information from the paid sites than you do from free ones.I wouldn’t bother with those.

My main piece of advice: If you know his parents’ names, or where they live, call them first.Track them down; they’ll know where to find him.If that doesn’t work, ask your mutual friends.No mutual friends?Try to remember his friends’ names.If you have any of his emails saved, check them and see if anyone else was cc’ed on them, and if you see any other addresses, email those people and ask them if they know where your friend is.

If that doesn’t work, call 411 in the 718 and the 516 area codes and check the last name for a listing; if you don’t get one on the first try, try back a few times.Sometimes you’ll get a dumb operator and it’s no go, but sometimes you’ll get one who’s bored and a good speller.Still no luck?Fan out.Try the 212.Try the 914.Try the 201.

Unless his last name is Jones, you can turn him up, probably, in a day of phone calls and emails.I used to do this for a living, and you get so that you can predict where someone might have gone based on where they’re from and what they do for a living.List everything you know about him and work off of that; you’ll probably find him fairly quickly.

Dear Sars,

My cousin is getting married in two months, and I am completely stumped about
what to get him and his fiancee.Usually, I am pretty good at finding
something unique that I know the couple would appreciate, but in this
case, I have met my match.

Normally, if this happens, I refer to the couple’s registry, but my cousin
hasn’t registered anywhere for gifts.And with very, very good reason.
He and his fiancee and their two kids have been living together for about
seven years; not only do they have everything they need, but their little
house is a prime candidate for that Clean Sweep reality show.Four people
can barely turn around in their kitchen or their living room there’s so
much stuff in it.

I’ve also tried asking the couple for ideas, but they haven’t mentioned
anything that they want in particular.

Finally, I’ve thought about cash, but am unsure about how much would be
considered an okay amount.Is $100 adequate, or will I look like a
cheapskate?$50?$500?$1000 seems a bit extravagant, but is that more
acceptable?Either way, I’d like to use money as a last resort, as it has
never been my gift of choice for any occasion (it’s rather impersonal).
Also, they seem to need money about as desperately as they need more
kitchen appliances.

Sooo…what do you get a couple that (literally) has everything??

Sign me,
Flummoxed Bridesmaid

Dear Flum,

…A cleaning service?

No, seriously.If you don’t think they’d get offended, consider getting them a gift certificate for a housekeeping service in their area — new marriage, fresh start, blah blah.You could get them a bunch of gift certificates for other stuff, too, if you wanted: that one, plus one to Target, one to the local movie theater chain, and so on.

But if you don’t want to get them goods, get them some services.Remember, you have a year after they get married to supply a gift, so you could also wait a bit longer and see if one of them mentions something in passing that inspires you gift-wise.

[9/21/04]

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