Dear Sars, who cares (ho, ho, ho),

I am, apparently, the jealous type. I’ve been in my relationship for almost three years, but I still have crazy, wrenching little flashes of jealousy over crazy, mundane little things. I get angry at my boyfriend, though he does nothing wrong, and angry at the world, though nothing has happened. I’m possessive and jealous and not a fan of either of those qualities, so I primarily get angry at myself. I’ve managed to keep the anger at my boyfriend from manifesting itself, since it takes only a few minutes to fade from memory, and when it does rear its ugly head, he just thinks it’s cute, and lets it go.

So this jealousy isn’t doing my relationship any damage, but it’s certainly not doing me any favors, and it will probably only get worse when we go off to colleges in separate states this fall. I’m enrolled at an intellectually rigorous school, and I think the strains of jealousy, mixed with the pains of separation, can only lead to bad things.

So my question is; how do I fight this? Are there mantras, meditations, miraculous acupuncture that you can recommend to help me? Suppression isn’t doing much for me.

Thanks,
Hey, Jealousy

Dear Hey,

Jealousy and possessiveness are natural; they’re not fun, but they’re normal, because your boyfriend means a lot to you and of course you don’t want to lose him.But those feelings do often come from a certain insecurity or low self-esteem — and they’re not fun or productive.So, you need to ask yourself where these feelings come from and keep track of situations in which they crop up, and just do some thinking about what exactly makes you angry or scared in those situations.Getting to the root of precisely what’s bothering you might help you defuse your anger.

You should also consider getting some counseling to shore up your sense of self-worth, because that’s where these feelings proceed from, but mainly, you should acknowledge that you’re going to college, you’re going through a lot of changes and doing a lot of new things, and it’s an intense time where certain emotions might not make immediate sense to you.Long-distance relationships are tough, and a lot of relationships don’t survive the transition to college, and I’m not telling you to give up on it or anything; I’m just saying, realize that there’s a lot of dust that’s going to have to settle before you can see things clearly.

Just be aware of what’s making you feel the way you feel, and try not to let it take you over.

Dear Sars,

I am married to a wonderful man and we have our first baby on the way (due
date less than a month away).Everything would be great if it weren’t for
his family.In the entire time we have been married (three years), his
parents have only been to our house twice (each time for less than a few
hours).We have invited them countless times, but with no results (we live
an easy two hour drive away).We travel to see them at least once a month,
but when it comes their turn they can’t because of work (even though they
have weekends off), gardening, their dog or because of other flimsy excuses.

To give an example, his parents wouldn’t come to our wedding one day early
(we were asking them to spend three days with us instead of two), even though
we were having family events, because they couldn’t be away from their dog
for an extra day.I feel guilty that my husband has lost out on his family
closeness because he married me, but I also feel like it is his parents’
fault for being so inflexible and purposely withdrawing from his life.His
brother has been actively hostile towards me since the moment we met, but
that seems to be getting better, mostly because his significant other and I
get along really well.

So there is the background.The problem now comes with the arrival of our
baby-to-be.It is very important to me that my mother-in-law and
father-in-law come out to see the baby for my husband’s sake.His parents
have said it will be too stressful to come see us and see the baby because
they would only be able to come on weekends, and their weekends are too busy
already.When we ask what they will be doing, they come up with the same
silly excuses as in the past.My husband is very hurt, and it is hard for
me to stand by and see such a good person be treated so badly by his folks.
I’m also frustrated since we also have the same responsibilities as they do
with house, pets, and work, yet none of those responsibilities has ever
stopped us from visiting them.

I’ve already set up a dog sitter to come walk their dog every week, in the
hopes that they would become comfortable with having the sitter look after
the dog for a few days for them to come visit us.Unfortunately having the
dog to our house is not an option because it attacks our cat.It is a
large, hyper dog who jumps on the furniture and people and as a result it
has knocked me over twice while pregnant.Although I probably sound like an
overly protective mother, I’m not crazy about the idea of it being around
our newborn.In case the sitter didn’t work I have found a great kennel for
the dog which is right on the way to our house.I found a grocery store in
their neighbourhood that will deliver their groceries for free.My best
friend would go by their house to weed and water the garden (which is not
that big).I’ve also repeatedly told them how much we want them to come to
visit the baby and how much it would mean to both of us to be there.My
brother-in-law and his girlfriend have said that they will come visit, but
we just can’t get any sort of commitment from my in-laws.

My husband says we shouldn’t push them because they obviously don’t want to
come out.I just don’t feel that it is right to give up because I know how
hurt my husband will be if they don’t make the effort.On the other hand, I
don’t want my husband to get upset with me for meddling (which I fear will
start to happen any day now), and I don’t want to risk alienating him or his
family any further by being too aggressive.

Any advice for handling the situation?

Thanks very much,
Stuck with the In-Laws

Dear Stuck,

Your husband is right; they don’t want to come out, and I don’t think pushing is going to do anything but stiffen their resolve.It’s good of you to try to do this for your husband, and to try to spare him hurt feelings, but…he’s probably used to this shit from them by now, don’t you think?I mean, they’re his parents; he knows how they are.Not that it doesn’t suck for him or that they shouldn’t be a little less OCD about their weekend routines when there’s a grandchild on the way, but they are what they are, and it’s not really your problem to address; arranging for things to be taken care of in their absence probably seems to you like a favor, but probably reads as intrusive to them.Again, not saying it’s right, but they’re just…weirdos, kind of, and it’s probably time for you to accept that they do their own weirdo thing and you can’t really influence it.

You’ve made it clear that they’re welcome and that you and your husband both really want them there, but that’s all you can, or should, do.If your husband is upset about it, be there for him, but you’re going to have your hands really full in a short time anyway; adding “people who don’t want to be here” to your to-do list is not the greatest idea.You mean well, but…let it go.

Dear Sars,

I’m a big fan of Tomato Nation, and especially of the Vine.I’ve been reading for a while, and now suddenly have a problem.It’s friendship-related.

For six years, I’ve been friends with S.He’s a great guy for a girl to be friends with.In the past, I never really knew him to get serious with any girl.He would date, but never for long.I met so many girls that he would bring to various places that they all started to look alike to me.I was always friendly to them, but only ever became friends with one of them — J — who he dated about four years ago.

Just like the rest of them, S only stuck with J for about a month.They didn’t talk much after that.With his blessing, however, I remained friends with J.A good girlfriend is hard to find, after all, and she and I were a lot alike.Unfortunately, she felt a bit burned by S, but she and I didn’t let it affect our friendship.Like she said — it doesn’t really matter how we met.What’s more important is why we’re friends.I agree.

Anyway, that was a long time ago, and I’m still friends with both J and S, but in different social circles, if that makes sense.Within the last year, J got engaged and moved to a different state, and S finally found a girl who he wanted to get serious with — R.R is a sweet girl, and since she seems like she is S’s “the one,” I’ve become friends with her.

This past weekend, J — who I still talk to on a regular basis — was visiting.While we were out on Friday night, we bumped into R.I said hello to R and chatted for a bit, then went back to our table.To finally end this very long story, J was PISSED that I am now friends with R.Like, not just pissed in that moment, but still pissed right now.She just responded to an email I sent her with “I’m not ready to talk to you yet.”

Sars, I’m confused.J knew I was friends with S.She and S have been over for four years, and she’s going to get married in two months.She really won’t be more clear with me about what I’ve done wrong.Do you think it was that I didn’t mention R to her?She’s never told me, in the past four years, that she minds me being friends with S, but maybe she’s resented it all along?Please help.I really want to be the best friend I can be, and I feel so torn.I have no idea what to say to J.How can I fix it?

Signed,
We’re Almost 30 — Aren’t We Too Old For This?

Dear You’d Think,

You can’t “fix” it.It’s completely irrational.J dated S for a month, a presidential term ago, and she’s getting married soon — and it’s possible that that’s where this comes from.It’s not that she has feelings for S still, whether she still digs him or she hates him or whatever; it’s that S is a symbol of her past life, maybe, or however you want to put it.

But whatever her reasons are, you know, people spazz on each other sometimes and get past it, and the two of you will probably get past it too — but if she’s “not ready to talk to you yet,” honestly, you don’t really need that melodrama.Let her cool down, and see if she gets in touch.It’ll probably work itself out; she’ll apologize, you’ll both move on, whatever.But if she doesn’t…I mean, she needs to suck it up.It’s one thing to react weirdly at the time, but days later?Come on.

You didn’t do anything wrong.Don’t act like you did and play into her crap.

Sars,

We are looking for some insight from an outside source. My husband and I are trying to create a child together. Due to physical circumstances we have to skip the easy (and cheap) way and go through in vitro fertilization. We want to have a child together; that is not the issue. The issue is that I cannot reconcile two different ways I have of thinking of this.

On the one hand, emotionally, physically, mentally I (and my husband) want to create a child together, share our lives, teach the child about the world, learn about the world from the child, tell stories, sing songs, et cetera. We are fully aware that this is idealized and comes with no sleep, crying, pooping, cat-tail-pulling, spit-up, and other assorted goodies. But it’s the full family package and we both want it.

On the other hand, intellectually, we both have fears, doubts, and concerns about what is happening around us. I know everyone worries about the future and the state of the world. In the past folks worried about the Cold War, nuclear holocaust, et cetera. I know that is also part and parcel about bringing children into the world. I know that we can’t allow fear of what terrible things could happen to impede our decision.

However, we are more aware now of the state of the world, than ever before including its physical state. Climate change is real, and the effects on us will be real. I work in a field that exposes me day in and day out with air and water quality issues as well as population issues. I know that our air and water aren’t in great shape, and yes I’m hoping that changes, but not holding my breath (though I probably should). I know that we are using fresh water faster than it is being naturally replenished. These are going to be big issues in the next 25 years.

I’m not a doomsayer, I get to see a lot of the good fights being won and I know there are a lot of hardworking people out there working for change. So much is being undone by the current administration -– but that way lies endlessly long debates and despair.

My question is not whether or not to have a child. There is no question about what I want on a most basic and personal level. What I am wondering is how does one reconcile wanting to have a child and give them the best life, and wanting them to maybe have a positive effect on the future, with “so here’s the world, it’s kind of poisonous, we made some mistakes, we’re almost out of water, war and terrorism are constant threats -– hey good luck with that!” And I’m not even touching on domestic social issues. We are making such a deliberate decision to bring about a child and is it really fair for us to do this considering the state of things? Or is it just selfish?

This is probably why most people have children young, before they overthink the whole thing. And before you tell me that I am, indeed, overthinking the whole thing, that doesn’t make any of it less true.

Open To Other Perspectives…

Dear Open,

Just because it’s true doesn’t mean you’re not overthinking it, either — I mean, what do you want me to say?Yeah, it’s a scary world and humanity is not doing a great job of keeping it safe and happy for future generations, but I think that an awareness of that makes you a better parent, not selfish.

I think families make the world a better place, not a worse one.You can define “family” however you like, but the core of a family is love and respect for one another regardless of the nature of the relationships, and that love and respect can be translated on a much larger scale to compassion for and interest in other people and in the problems we face as a planet.

So, if you think of it that way, it’s selfish not to have a kid who might grow up engaged in the world around her and fascinated by these issues, and who might figure out how to repair the ozone layer.

Having a child and driving her around in a gigantic SUV?Yeah, that’s maybe a little selfish unless you’re carpooling her hockey team.Just having the child, when you’ve given the issues a great deal of thought?Doesn’t seem that selfish to me.

Here’s my sort of dilemma.

It begins with the ending of a relationship. It was a high school relationship and it succumbed to the changes that come with college and growing up and the like (read: I could, she couldn’t and freaked out). I was sad, but the getting over was easier than expected, especially since we’d been dating since tenth grade. Three weeks after the breakup, I went back to school to start my sophomore year at school. Things were going great, but then I noticed something new. I had feelings for someone, someone who I never had even harbored a romantic intent for, like, EVER. It was very interesting, because I hadn’t had a crush in forever. I joked that I had forgotten what my type even was anymore.

Let me just tell you about this girl. She’s pretty, she’s smart, she’s incredibly talented, and incredibly funny. She’s a fellow musician, so that gave our friendship an even more elaborate connection. We’d been friends since the first day of classes freshman year, and now I was noticing something different. It was like she came back and had just blossomed. She is absolutely magnetic, and not just to me. She just attracts people.

Now, if the answer to this question was as simple as “tell her,” I wouldn’t need a second opinion. At first, I was a bit taken aback. I didn’t want to just jump to someone else, especially since I had just come from a three-and-a-half-year relationship. It just looks like ass to me when someone changes partners like that. So I played it cool. I didn’t want her to know at the time, because I was afraid that it was just some transferrence of feeling, or that it was just a rebound crush.

It didn’t go away. The feelings were still there. The semester chugged on, and I decided that I wanted to let some people know. I told my roommates who are some of my best friends. Right around Halloween, I had determined that I was going to tell her. I hadn’t set a date for it or anything, I was just acknowledging the feeling, and that it was time to let her know. As my feelings were reaching a fever pitch, it comes out that she really is into this other guy, who is a mutual friend, and an all-around great human being. I am of course upset. I’m not dying inside, or even crying, but I am definitely hurt. I decided to tell her, because for a few days, things were pretty crappy between us, because I was hurt, and a little bit distracted by seeing them together.

I let her know everything, and told her that I wasn’t expecting some change of heart on her part, and that I refused to come between something that could very well make the both of them incredibly happy. I just wanted the air cleared. We have many of the same classes, and are in almost all of the same groups. Basically, I spend 90% of my academic week with her, and I didn’t want any sort of awkwardness for either of us. Ever the diplomat, she thanked me for my honesty, apologized for hurting me, even though it was on accident, and agreed to banish the awkward together. It worked. We had an awesome friendship for the rest of the semester even though I still felt the same, and she was with “awesome guy-who-is-not-me.”

When we came back to school for spring semester is when things got complicated. I thought the long break would be just what I needed to feel better, or not to feel anything for her. As soon as I saw her, I knew that was wrong. The semester started up fine between us, but in about the fourth week, “awesome guy-who-is-not-me” decided that he wasn’t ready for any sort of commitment. Of course, she was pretty hurt, because she really liked this guy. Well, I helped her. We shared stories of our repective breakups, and I was pretty much being the “nice guy” that it seems I’m always destined to be.

After her initial time of being upset, there was a definite change. She was very hot and cold with me. VERY. One hour we’d be talking, laughing, and I daresay flirting, and the next she would be acting like I’m not even there. Me being the “nice guy” took it, and didn’t complain, for a while. For a while, it seemed like her and the awesome guy were gonna get back together, and when we would talk, I would ask about them and stuff, just being friendly. She pretty much wigged out on me, saying that she didn’t think that she could trust my intentions for asking about her personal stuff, and I came back saying that she sometimes is condescending, and that she didn’t have any reason to not trust me. Luckily it blew over. She was still like stinkin’ IcyHot though, which definitely bugged me.

Well, the school year ended, and we ended up touring for three weeks with a vocal group that we’re both in. It started the same as the semester. I actually discovered that awesome guy had no intentions of dating her again, and that she was the one who was still hopeful. Towards the end, she was a little different. She was warm all the time towards me, we talked, we joked, we even flirted a tiny bit. And then tour was over. We went separate ways for the summer. Now, after what I’m sure struck you as incredibly boring, are the real questions.

Am I stupid for hanging on to this? Trust me, I’ve tried to get over it. I’ve even went on some dates, and nothing happened. I ended up just wishing I was with her, even when we were mad at each other.

Do girls do the hot and cold thing to make us guys lose interest? I thought I understood girls a little, but I guess I am so SO wrong.

Since I’ve already told her my feelings, what do you think is the next step?

I’m not desperate, and I’m trying not to sound idiotic or too lovestruck to think for myself, but a second opinion is always appreciated. Give it to me straight!

Both Hot and Cold

Dear Both,

“Stupid” is a bit strong, but yes, it’s time to let it go.Just going on dates won’t necessarily do it; you have to spend way less time with this girl, because whenever she’s warm and flirty to you, it gives you hope, and…there isn’t really any hope, I don’t think, at least not right now when there’s a clear imbalance in the way each of you feels towards the other.

And the hot-and-cold routine, it’s not something you want to deal with.She’s not doing it on purpose, probably; she’s just indecisive.She likes the attention she gets from you, because you’re more or less in love with her, but at the same time, you’re not The Guy, so she enjoys the positive attention but she’s not going to commit any more of herself to you than that.Which sounds really bitchy and venal, which I’m sure she isn’t; again, it’s probably not intentional.But…it is what it is.She’s confused and not ready, and more importantly, it’s driving you nuts, so enough already.

She knows how you feel; she doesn’t feel the same way.You’ve had the summer apart, hopefully to get some perspective, but now that you’re back at school, take a different attitude: new year, new crush.Don’t spend so much time with her; don’t waste your energy analyzing your interactions with her.It’s not happening, and you’ll need to act like it even if you’re unhappy about it.

Waiting around for her feelings for her to change…it’s a waste of time.I mean, yeah, maybe they’ll change and maybe they won’t, but you have to live your life, and you have to proceed under the assumption that she thinks of you as a friend and nothing more.I know it stings, but she can’t be what you hope for.

[9/21/05]

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