I asked my mom who’s a college english professor, and she suggested Billy Collins’ “Picnic, Lightning.”She said she didn’t think it was about suicide, but it does start out with a death by lightning.

K

The only other specific title suggestion I got for this question was also the Collins poem.The other responses all recommended calling a library to access the Columbia Granger’s Poetry Index.

Sars,

My boyfriend’s friend, Julie, is someone I like well enough when he’s not around.As soon as he walks in the room, however, she’s all over him — rubbing his chest, burying her face in his neck, commenting on how good he looks, et cetera.I’m not worried about Julie “stealing” him, but it’s hard to maintain a conversation with her (or a straight face) when she’s in snuggle mode.It’s just kind of embarrassing.

He says her behavior makes him uncomfortable, but he’s worried about hurting her feelings, so he’s started avoiding her.Is there a gentle way to tell Julie she’s a little over the top with the love?

When my guy friends get too friendly I just threaten to turn the hose on them

Dear Hoser,

Sure there is.It’s really on your boyfriend to do it, instead of avoiding her, because that’s going to cause more drama — she’s going to want to know why he’s avoiding her, he won’t have an answer, blah dee blah — but, while it’s not necessarily a fun conversation to have, he should have it with her.”Julie, I’m not comfortable with the way you seem to hit on me when we spend time together.We aren’t romantically involved, and when you act like we are, I feel it’s inappropriate and I don’t like it.”

But if he’s determined to skip that conversation, and she asks you why he’s avoiding her, tell her that she really has to talk to him about that — but, since you’ve got her here, she might think about toning down the snuggles, because they make you uncomfortable.If it’s you who’s speaking to her about it, focus on how it makes you feel, and let your boyfriend handle his end of it.

But he should, you know, handle it, actively.If she doesn’t get that the cuddling isn’t cool, she’s not going to get a hint from this either.

Dear Sars,

Of course, I have a relationship issue. All my friends and family don’t really see all sides of it so I’d like your most expert opinion.

I’m 19, female, and a college dropout.I’m also dating a female named Alex. That’s the first thing. I’ve never dated a girl before and we were friends for about three years before we got together.I know I’m attracted to boys, thats a for sure.But I’ve never really been attracted to girls before Alex. Doing physical stuff with her is no problem, I’m into it and everything, so I’ve got to be a little gay, right?

Then there’s the other huge, huge issue. I’ve been addicted to drugs for about two years now and it’s very very difficult for me to stop. I’ve gone into treatment and was clean for about three months but I’ve had several relapses and it’s very hard on Alex.I hate to hurt her, but it’s such a selfish disease I don’t even think about her when I do it.

Okay, so that’s all the background stuff. My actual relationship problem is that everyone thinks I should break up with Alex. Mainly because she has a reeeeal problem with anger. Even if it’s a simple, innocent disagreement she will get extremely defensive and start yelling and calling me a bitch and the like.She’s never straight-out hit me, but she’s pushed and shoved and pulled me off her rather roughly.She’s very jealous of my guy friends and is very much like a babysitter about my drug problem, going into my email account and reading my messages, looking for proof that I’ve been using.

With that being said, she can also be very sweet and generous. If I’m sick she’ll do everything she can to make me feel better, she spends all her extra time with me and buys me bunches of stuff (yes, I know that does not a relationship make, but I still appreciate it nevertheless).She makes me feel beautiful and loved. She would walk to the ends of the earth to make me happy. There’s just so much about her that bugs me.

Anyway, the main point of this email is…I would be a titanic bitch if I broke up with her, wouldn’t I? I mean, she’s stuck with me through all my drug schmack and treatment. She never broke up with me then, she’s always supported me (except when we fight of course, then she calls me a “stupid whore drug addict”).I’ve suggested counselling for her anger issues, and she agreed, but when the actual day came to go, she said she had to work. That, of course, is a legitimate excuse, but she never rescheduled and when I bring it up again, she gets all crabby.

This is my first real, actual relationship. I know all couples have problems, but is this a lot more than is normal? Should I break up with her because of her anger or would that be hypocritical considering all that she’s put up with from me? I just want to be fair, and I don’t even know if I want to break up. Please tell me what you think.

Thanks in advance,
I’ve got 99 problems and a bitch IS one

Dear Niner,

Alex is abusive.This is vintage abuser behavior — getting scary mad, then sucking up to you afterwards; intruding on your privacy and personal space, then manipulating you emotionally so that you think she’s “protecting” you or “taking care of” you.

Understand: Alex loves it that you have a drug problem.It makes her indispensable to you; it gives her an angle to exploit, a moral upper hand to use in arguments.If you’re addicted, and you need watching and caring for, then you also need her, and she can make you feel guilty for objecting to anything in the relationship you don’t like.

If anyone needs counseling here, it’s you — to figure out why you treat yourself so badly and why you settle for so little in your life.Alex doesn’t love you, really; she’s co-dependent.She needs your disease to feel like a whole person herself.This is a pattern that has repeated itself for centuries; it’s not unusual and you’re not the first person to fall into that trap.But you need to break up with her and get back into a program — not necessarily in that order — and start acting in your own self-interest.Your real self-interest, doing what’s good for you long-term.Drugs don’t qualify and neither does your girlfriend.

This “relationship” is the same as the one between parasite and host.Don’t beat yourself up for it, but don’t let it continue.Get into NA or a rehab, and tell Alex you’re done, because you’re addicted to her, too.

[9/21/06]

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