Dear Sarah,

I have recently entered a graduate program for creative writing. My workshop class began a few weeks ago, and though it’s for the most part full of creative people who are also fun and astute readers, I believe something may be awry with one of the guys in the class, and that that may disturb the class’s fragile (and expensive) dynamic.Let’s call him That Guy.

The first sign that this person would be That Guy was when he adopted a tone of familiarity with the professor (who by the way has five facial piercings and head-to-toe tattoos and wears an AC/DC hat to class, so not someone to be fucked with!) whilst simultaneously interrupting him…on the FIRST DAY of class, during the prof’s introductory lecture.I even remarked to a classmate I’d never met before in the elevator that “That Guy is going to be a pain in the ass,” and my elevator-mate agreed.

Little did I know. That Guy redefines the phrase “I HATE THAT GUY!”

That Guy began the class’s first workshop session, in which a gutsy classmate had volunteered to go up.Anyhoo, That Guy began the class – which, need I remind, was the first workshop of the semester, year, AND program for many of us – with a fifteen-minute diatribe that he executed in a ridiculous, smug, arrogant, abrasive, obnoxious and argumentative fashion, using logic he must have gleaned from his eighth-grade English textbook about what stories are and are not “allowed” to do. If this had been my story and I’d had a certain amount of pride in my work (it wasn’t and I don’t), it might be possible that I would be exaggerating…however, this was someone else’s story – a total stranger for which I have no affinity and whose story does need work! – and I’m STILL livid that That Guy would be so presumptuous and such a dick!

Now, That Guy is entitled to his opinion and every once in awhile he does have something resembling a point, but I’m wondering if you have any advice on how his taken-aback classmates may subdue his battle cries in the future, aside from completely ramming him up the ass when it’s his turn to go up?

I realize that this may be a petty and stupid problem and that most people don’t have to deal with a That Guy in their writing class per se, but I do think most people have to deal with a That Guy somewhere – at work, at school, god forbid at home.I was wondering if you had any sage wisdom or That-Guy-Related coping techniques.

Woo woo,
Not That Girl

Dear Not,

I used to work with That Guy.My other co-workers and I used to insert him into phrases and truisms, like so: “Into every life, a little That Guy must fall.”And “every That Guy has a silver lining.”We loathed That Guy.That Guy, of course, continued blithely to act boorishly, but we couldn’t really do anything about it.

Therein lies the problem with That Guy.That Guy is completely obtuse, so much so as to become a perfect circle.I also suffered through many a writing workshop with various That Guys and Girls of every hue and stripe, and I feel your pain exquisitely.It’s difficult to stop or derail That Guy, because he usually has no idea how insufferably he acts, and if he did have an idea, he would call that “your problem.”

After he winds up one of his monologues, raise your hand and respectfully disagree.Pointedly bring the discussion back to the story; emphasize gently that That Guy needs to focus on the work at hand, not bore others with his theories on The Craft Of Writing.But whatever you do, don’t engage him in combat.That Guy loves to debate, to argue, to act offended in a highly wordy fashion, because That Guy’s one true love is the sound of his own voice.

If he persists in delivering The World According To That Guy Address in every workshop, take your professor aside after class one day and ask him if he can’t rein That Guy in a bit.You’ve paid to hear a well-thought-out opinion, not the ramblings of a narcissist.Beyond that, though, there’s just not much you can do.Use him as an excuse to bond with your other classmates and try not to pay him much mind – which, if you succeed, will infuriate him more than anything else.

You are the Grand Mistress of giving advice and my friend and I could really use it!After exhausting our keen insights and the insight of others around us we have turned to you.”Reyn” and I have both met the dreamy people that we never thought existed.We promised to marry each other if we were still single at the rip age of 28 a la My Best Friend’s Wedding.

Unfortunately they are both moving and are reluctant to start anything in the SO department.Reyn and I both would like to enjoy the time left with them and see what the Fates have in store as we may be moving to the same states as them.Instead of doing the “adult” thing and overlooking what feelings we have to protect out hearts, look where it has gotten us so far.I think we should just see what happens and stop trying to make our hearts think logically.I can be very near-sighted when it comes to what I want.It would be great if you could give some third-party insight, so we just don’t focus on what we think would make us happy.

Bad karma or bad timing?

Dear Bad,

Okay, confusion reigns: Do you want me to tell you whether or not to pursue a long-distance relationship?And why wouldn’t you focus on what you think would make you happy?

I don’t know that I’ll give very good advice here, since I have only the vaguest understanding of the situation, but here we go anyway: the “dreamy people” have expressed to reluctance to “start anything,” so keep it light and breezy until they move away.Keep in touch if you want, but don’t pin your hopes on it.It sounds as though you think the dreamy people will make you and Reyn happy, but it also sounds like making you happy doesn’t rank too high on the dreamy people’s priority list.

Let them move away and see what happens, but again, I wouldn’t put too many eggs in that basket.The Fates can be cruel indeed.

[9/22/00]

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