Just an addendum to your answer to the vine question from Flummoxed Bridesmaid: I got married six months ago to a man who is as pack-ratty as I am.Since we certainly didn’t need a fourth ironing board, we registered at Habitat for Humanity and at the Heifer Project.It was gratifying to celebrate our love by giving to people who truly need a hand.

JC

Dear JC,

Great ideas.My parents often give friends and family who “have everything” honoraria from the Heifer Project — all the fun of giving someone a pig for Christmas, none of the pesky clean-up.

Another idea I thought of that combines party and clutter-fighting — join the wedding shower with a white-elephant party.Everyone brings stuff they don’t need anymore, you have a big swap and drink sangria and watch VH-1, and when it’s time to go home, whatever items didn’t get claimed go into a big box and driven down to the Goodwill.

Dear Sars,

I love your site, love your writing and really enjoy reading you. As a frequent reader of The Vine, I’ve come to believe that what you’d do in most situations is spot on. So, I’m writing you for a teeny bit of advice.

My cousin, with whom I’m quite close, has a birthday coming up soon. Traditionally, she, her sisters and I have celebrated birthdays together, usually with a dinner out somewhere and then some activity—a bar, karaoke, a play, whatever. We usually give presents at the restaurant, then go out. Anyhoo, this year, Cousin’s boyfriend has planned a dinner party for her at a country club. I knew he was more well off than the rest of us, so I thought it was pretty cool for him to do this for her and had planned to attend when she told me about it.

Yesterday I got an e-vite to the dinner from Boyfriend, with a little note attached from Cousin’s Sister, basically saying, “Hey all, Boyfriend is paying for this thing, but I’d like to suggest a $25 per person donation to offset the costs, please let me know if that’s a problem.”

Grr. Well, that’s a problem for me. It’s not the money; it’s the fact that I was raised to believe that if you can’t afford to throw someone a party, then you don’t throw the party. You most certainly do NOT include a “suggested donation” amount on the invitation. I find it incredibly rude. I don’t know if it was Boyfriend’s idea or Sister’s idea, either way I find that I am offended. I did email Sister, asking if she wanted me to pay $50 for my husband and me to attend, and she responded saying originally it was going to be $25 per couple but that she figured we’d spend $25 a person if we went out to a nice birthday dinner anyway. Which is absolutely correct but I hate the way this feels. While I would have voluntarily chosen to spend an amount of my choosing, it rankles to be asked for a set amount as a “donation.” (BTW, my hubby never comes to these things, it’s usually a girls thing only…and he’s sure as heck not going to this dinner — he’d have a heart attack if he heard we had to pay for the privilege of attending.)

I guess what I want to ask you is, 1) what do you think about all this? This is horribly rude, isn’t it? I was raised correctly and Boyfriend/Sister were raised by wolves, right?

And 2) what do I do? I want to go but I would have preferred to go on my terms — it’s the principle of the thing.

I have a suspicion that you’ll tell me to either A) go, give the $25 and shut up about it because I would’ve spent the money anyway; or B) politely decline, do not say why and schedule a dinner with just cousin and myself where I will probably end up spending four times as much but my precious principles and sensibilities will be intact.

I think I’ve just answered my own questions. Okay, so if I go, do I have to bring a gift?

Sincerely,
“Suggested Donation” My Ass

Dear Mine Too, HEATHENS,

Yeah, that’s kind of bullshit, and yeah, I’d have suggested either A or B — leaning towards A, because you want to go to the dinner and you shouldn’t let the tackiness of the invitation presentation interfere with a celebration.

But it’s an interesting question — when you can reasonably prod guests to pay, and for what.I had my thirtieth birthday party in a bar, and my mother was taken aback that I wasn’t running a tab and paying for everyone’s drinks.I explained that…it’s a bar.She said, I get that, thanks, but you invited these people, so you pay for them.I said, if they come to my house, I’ll give them drinks and food, but I can’t fit them all in my house, so we do it at a bar and we all pay for ourselves.She thought that was rude.I said I didn’t expect them to pay for me.She still thought I should pay.

I still disagree.It’s not how we do it in New York City, where a birthday party in a bar isn’t really a party so much as everyone meeting up for a drink and having an excuse to do so.I’ve gone to hundreds of parties at bars and never expected the “host” to pay for me.But a country club is a bit different; it does imply that your host is going to cover the tab, because it’s more private.He doesn’t have to, I guess, but dunning the guests for money up front on the invitation is bad manners.(Plus, country club food sucks.$25 for overcooked chicken and limp grated carrots…feh.)And certainly if you entertain people in your home, you put out the booze and hummus and shut up about paying for it.

I’m sure I’ll get a shitload of letters correcting me on this, but I’m going out of town tomorrow so who cares.Heh.Anyway…gift.I don’t know.I’d go with a token — a vintage book that isn’t too expensive, or some flowers, something thoughtful but not pricey.

Sars,

I know you’ve answered some acronym questions in the
past so I hope you can help me.

At work we use a lot of acronyms and other shorthand.
For example, we have a process called resin transfer
molding, shortened to RTM. In speech this is commonly
used as a verb, as in: “That part was RTMed at Smith &
Co.”

My question is should it be “RTMd,” “RTMed,” “RTM-ed,” “RTM’d,”
or some other variation? Or should I just write, “That
part was formed by RTM.”?

Thanks!
Just Curious

Dear Just,

I always go with the second one, because it looks “righter” to me, but I don’t know if it’s actually correct.Let me stick my nose in a book or two here…

Well, Garner doesn’t have any notes on “verbing” acronyms, but I imagine you can follow the same rule for verb endings that he suggests for pluralizing them, namely no apostrophes.I think sticking an “-ed” on the end works just fine; you don’t need a dash or an apostrophe, because the ending is lowercased, which is the intuitive solution.

Short form: “RTMed.”

Hey Sars,

On the Richter scale of Vine Questions, this one barely ranks a 2 but it’s been bugging me for a bit now. I was wondering if you could give some advice on it.

I was talking to a friend (I’ll call her B) on MSN one night. B is part of a really tight group of friends that I’ve never really become part of (they’re all great people and we hang out occasionally, but I’m not big on the “close group thing”). Anyway: B and I talked for a bit and made plans for later on in the week, then she signed off.

A little later another member of B’s group (alias: G) signed on. I don’t see G as much as I see B, but we talked for a bit and he asked if I wanted to come to a get-together the next day (because “everyone” would be there). I hadn’t seen any of that particular crew in a bit and was happy to accept. So far so good, right?

The problem is that G isn’t known for his consideration (he’s not rude on purpose, just generally tactless). He’s been known to show up at gatherings and houses uninvited. Also, the invite (though well intended) was pretty last-minute; B didn’t say anything about it; and, as I mentioned, that group is pretty tight and I’m only an occasional member. To top it off, the get-together was at a house other than G’s. To sum it up, I got worried that I was crashing.

What I’m really asking is; what should I do in a situation like this? I don’t want to turn down any group thing that G asks me to offhand (I do, after all, hang out with these people sometimes), but I don’t want to intrude on more private occasions. Should I just check with someone else in the group? It seems sort of awkward (“G invited me to this thing, can I come?”), and it puts everyone else on the spot (“Uh, no, we kind of wanted to keep it small”). Gah.

Thanks for reading,
Questionable Guest

Dear Quest,

You’re overthinking this.G didn’t invite you to attend a wake; it’s a gathering, and if he overstepped his bounds in inviting you, that’s for them to take up with him, not you — nor you with any of them.

G invited you.You accepted.You’re done.If it turns out that they were hoping to keep it small, well, one more person is not exactly overrunning the place, and in any event, tough — good hosts make you welcome regardless, and bitch the loose-lipped inviter out later if necessary.If anyone makes you feel like you’re intruding, that’s rude, not you going where you were invited.

Bring some wine or flowers with you and don’t worry about it.

Hi Sars!

I’ll try to keep this short and to the point — I need to talk to a therapist, but I don’t know how. How do you go about finding one? Or finding out how much it will cost? And what do you do, just walk in and say, “I need help”? I tried to go into the free clinic at my university, but when the receptionist asked what I needed, I froze. What the heck do you say? How do you talk to a complete stranger (or their secretary) about really, really personal stuff?

Love all your advice — it’s what helped me realize that I need to talk to someone.

Way too shy

Dear Way,

If it’s any comfort, this is the hardest part.Telling someone else, probably a stranger, that you need that kind of help is really tough, and answering questions about your mental state…it’s not easy.People don’t just stroll into doctors’ offices and ask for therapy; everyone goes through this.It sucks.

I’d do it over the phone.That way, 1) you don’t have to worry about anyone in the waiting room listening in, and 2) you can roll your eyes and cringe to yourself all you want and nobody will see.So, instead of going to the clinic in person, take your phone into a closet and call for an appointment.

As for what exactly you should say…just keep it simple.Tell the secretary that you’ve felt depressed or anxious lately and you’d like to talk to someone; even if it’s more complicated than that (and of course it always is), those are terms they understand.And more importantly, those are things they’ve seen many many times.Try not to feel ashamed or embarrassed.These are professionals; they know people have problems at times, and they know what questions to ask and what to tell you to do next.You just have to get through the door.

Again, this is the worst part.Just remember that it’s in the service of feeling better, and grit your teeth and get what you need.

[9/22/04]

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