Dear Sars,

I’m a twenty-year-old male living in the American midwest with my father…and as much as living with him sucks sometimes and I hope to one day strike out on my own and eventually get out of the midwest, I’ve got one little (or potentially large) problem weighing heavily on my mind, seeing as how I’m also in the closet about being very gay.

My problem, however, has little to do with my sexual preference so much as it does my little to no desire to ever have my dad (or any of the rest of my family, for that matter) find out that I’m interested in other men, due to the way I’ve heard them talk and react freely towards other homosexuals. I’ve justified this decision in my head…telling myself that it’s just simply not any of their business. Who I decide to sleep with shouldn’t matter to anyone other than me and the person I’m sleeping with, obviously. If they find out on their own, then good for them, and I won’t deny it — but I’m not exactly rushing at the opportunity to sit down and tell any of them face to face. Not only is it awkward and scary, but it also just seems like too personal of an issue to share with the people who raised me. I mean, even if I were as straight as an arrow, being as bashful as I am about the topic in general, I think I’d even have trouble even telling them if I had a girlfriend or not, much less that I’m into other dudes.

Friends that I’ve talked with, however, strongly feel as though by keeping my family in the dark, I’m acting as if I’m scared and ashamed of the person I am and that it’s wrong and that I can’t “live in fear” for the rest of my life.

Should I feel guilty or as though I’m living fearfully by never wanting my family to find out about my sexual orientation?

Sincerely,
Confused And Scared In The Closet

Dear Confused,

It’s not your friends who have to live with your dad, or with his antediluvian attitudes; it’s you.If your instinct is to keep it to yourself, maybe you should trust your instincts.

Sure, you should look at your reasons for keeping your sexual orientation to yourself, but you’re not required to come out on anyone else’s timetable — or at all.I agree that living in fear or shame about being gay is not good, because you shouldn’t have to do that if it’s other people who ignorantly have a problem with homosexuality, but if it’s more of a practical decision on your part, well, it is what it is.

You should probably tell your family what’s going on at some point, if only because living a double life is exhausting and I think in the long run you’ll be happier if you don’t have to do that…but at the same time, I can see how it might be easier to postpone that revelation until after you don’t live under your dad’s roof.

But you say you wouldn’t deny it if they asked you, so I wouldn’t say you’re living in fear; I’d say you’re trying to keep a lid on potential drama, which is usually wise.In any case, tell your friends that you appreciate their concern, and you know it’s well-meant, but to get off your back about it, because again, it’s not their gig.

Dear Sars,

I am a bad person. Seriously, I used to consider myself a fairly good person
with morals and all that. But then…I cheated on my boyfriend (L). With one
of his friends (B) who is dating one of my friends (G). Could this get any
worse?

Okay, some backstory: L and I have been friends for years and only starting
dating four months ago. B and I had a very brief fling about four years ago and
have been nothing more than friends since then. Well, about two weeks ago G
was out of town and the opportunity combined with a lot of alcohol ended up
with B and I in bed together. It was a huge drunken mistake and meant
absolutely nothing to either one of us.

I immediately told L about it (he
was suspicious when I wasn’t home ’til majorly late at night) and we’ve been
trying to work through it. Of course he’s mad and disappointed and hurt but
he still cares about me and we’re going to try to make it work. So at least
there’s that. But what the hell should I do now? I’m trying to be the best
girlfriend in the world, which he always thought I was before, but it’s not
enough.

I know it will take a lot of time for it to get better but is there
anything at all I can do to make him and maybe my friend feel better and
more reassured that it will never happen again? I haven’t talked to her yet
as she is out of town for a while and I don’t think she wants to hear from
me for a good long while. I can’t believe I hurt people I care so much
about, it was just such a stupid, stupid mistake.

Any help?
Oh Dear God, I Hate Myself (And I Should)

Dear Hate,

Look, you made a mistake.It’s a pretty big one, and it’s going to take some time for things to work themselves out, but eventually, things will in fact work themselves out one way or the other.

But it does take some time, and it will happen eventually and not before, and the fact is, you screwed up and hurt people, and you’ll have to live with the consequences of that for a while.”Deserve it” this, “you should hate yourself” that — maybe, maybe not, not the point.It’s not about who you are; it’s about what you did, and how it affected other people, and as sorry as you feel and as guilty as you feel and as much as you want things to go back to normal?They’re not going to for a while.

And it sucks.And you feel like you have no right to complain about it, because you’re the one who caused it, so it’s lonely and you wish you could take it back — but you can’t.It happened.You have to let L and G feel how they feel and react how they’re going to react; you don’t really get a say in how they see you or whether they trust you, not yet.

It’s very frustrating, I know, but it is what it is.Just be a good friend and a good girlfriend and put the time in; there’s nothing else you can do.

Hey Sars,

As someone who I feel has always been interested in women’s rights
issues, I thought maybe you would have something interesting to say
about this.I am 17 and only recently started really caring about my
looks, which basically means I have been getting attention I am not
used to for about the past year and a half.Of course, nobody minds a
compliment or two, but what has really gotten to me recently are the
constant catcalls, whistles, beeps, and “hey baby”s.

I know every woman deals with these things, and most brush
them off as rude inconveniences.In fact, I am sure you deal with
them much more than I do since New York is renowned for its guys
feeling free to to express themselves however they please.I have
tried simply ignoring people, but I just can’t take it anymore.It is
ridiculous that last night I couldn’t walk down a street without
feeling harassed.At some point, I was walking by two teenage guys
parked in a car and one of them yelled something out at me.I was so
fed up at this point that, stupidly, I turned around and yelled “Fuck
you!”If course, they found that hilarious and drove off laughing
and saying something about me being feisty.

Is there any way to deal with this?I am so sick of just
brushing off all the rude things guys say, and women saying nothing
only encourages them.At the same time, I have no idea what can be
done that is actually effective.Do you have any suggestions?This
got to me so badly last night that in near ninety-degree weather I put
on a sweatshirt and started crying when I got home.

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,

Saying nothing doesn’t encourage them; their own sexism and poor breeding encourages them.It might seem like keeping silent when some assweed comments on your boobs just lets them think it’s okay, but it’s not like screaming “fuck you” dis-couraged those guys, or prompted them to re-examine their pre-Cambrian attitudes about women.They just blew you off with the ultra-patronizing “feisty,” because you, as a person separate from your physical attributes, do not exist to them.

And it’s maddening that they won’t learn, and that they tend to do it in groups, too, so we’re not just annoyed; we’re intimidated into not responding as well.But again: responding has no effect anyway.I’ve snapped off dozens of “look with your eyes, NOT YOUR MOUTH”s; not once did the guy apologize for leering out loud, or admit that I had a point.It just doesn’t do anything.

I live on a main thoroughfare, so I get the comments every day — every day.Wearing a pea coat and dirty jeans, wearing a mini, look like shit, look pretty cute — irrelevant.They just say the shit.It’s a reflex, it has nothing to do with me.So that’s the bad news, but it’s also the good news, because…it has nothing to do with me.They don’t know me; I don’t know them; I don’t have to care what they think or whether they treat women on the street like a peep show.Some days, when I’m in a bad mood, it grosses me out still, but most of the time, it’s like, none of the men I know personally would ever do that shit, and none of the guys who do pass the comments is my boss or anything, so, who cares.

Part of the reason I’m a feminist is that, sometimes, it seems like the world can just decide what we are because we’re women, in ways men don’t really have to deal with, and I think it’s unfair.But nobody can really decide what you are except you, and if you decide you have better things to care about…

A good portion of your readers, from what I’ve read, are parents and I’m hoping someone, somewhere, has an answer for this.

We are in the midst of back-to-school shopping, and discovered that my daughter, who just turned 11 and has lived in flip-flops all summer, suddenly needs a size 9 or 9 1/2 women’s shoe.(This kid is already 5’3″, and will probably be taller than me by Christmas.)I am short, and have never had to wander farther than the size 8s in a shoe store.

The problem is finding a shoe in a size 9 for someone who is 11 and still in love with pink sparkly sneakers.

I’ve already spent a small fortune in school supplies, so in addition to knowing where to find these shoes, someone who knew where to get an inexpensive pair would have my undying love.

Signed,
At least I get the cute hand-me-downs

Dear Cute,

I would recommend going online to Delia’s.com and Alloy.com — their clothes are aimed at slightly older kids, obviously, and some of the shoes aren’t going to work because an eleven-year-old is probably not in the market for a kitten heel.But they usually have some cute, youthful-enough flats and Mary Janes and stuff like that, like Paul Frank slip-on sneakers.You could also try Urban Outfitters.com for cute flats and sneaks that aren’t too grown-up.None of those stores is super-expensive, and the shoes are not great quality, but they hold up okay for a season, which is all you can expect from the price.

Old Navy.com also had some corduroy Mary Janes on sale for, like, six bucks a pair about a month ago, and I know for a fact they had a size nine.

So, we’ll see what the readers say, but start with those and see what you find.

Dear Sars,

I will try to keep this as brief as I can, as the last time I tried
explaining this on paper, it took pages. For three years (minus a few
months), I dated a Very Nice Boy. We broke up about three days ago,
despite still being in love with one another; the problem is distance,
him being tied to a PhD program in a small city I have no interest in
moving to, and my unwillingness to move to be with him. After a
frustrating period of trying the distance thing, we both admitted
we’re unhappy and called it quits.

About a year ago, VNB developed an anxiety disorder which causes him
to have bouts of insomnia and accompanying panic attacks. For a few
months, I was the only person he went to for help; I did my best, but
am not really able to give the kind of help he needed. After months of
driving me to be unable to sleep as well, I pretty much told him to
either get professional help, or to stop coming to me at all, period.
He half-heartedly went into therapy, and it did him no good. I
continued to be his main — pretty much only — form of support, and remain
such now that he’s in a new city and hasn’t looked into a new
psychiatrist at all.

Anyway, we broke up, and hope to still be friends. I’m slightly more
realistic about things than he is, as I’ve been through a couple of
tough breakups before; I asked for some time without contact, so we
can both get used to not being together. He asked if he could still
call me for panic attack emergencies, and, not realizing how bad his
problem’s been since we’ve been apart (long distance for the whole
summer), or that he might take advantage of it (…d’oh), agreed. So
last night he called me, and it went from “I’m upset, talk to me for
awhile to get me calmed down,” to “Please take me back, I still love
you.”

Well, I still love him too, but I didn’t take him back, because
the reasons we broke up were totally valid, and I don’t want to get
wishy-washy now that we’ve made a decision. The phone call ended
badly; we were both more upset than we had been before, and I asked
him not to call again — with the concession, again, that I would keep my
phone on at night in case he had a crisis. Because I am his only real
support, at this point; and I realize that he needs to learn to cope
in other ways, and that he’s no longer my responsibility, but the
thought of actually forcibly cutting him off makes me feel terrible
(and worried about how he’s going to cope on his own).

Anyway, tonight he called me again. The depression of the breakup
finally caught up with me, so I’d been feeling fairly awful all day.
Given last night’s disastrous conversation, I didn’t think my talking
to him would help him calm down, or help either one of us feel better.
So I didn’t answer, despite my promise. He called two more times, and
I didn’t answer him either time, but I feel terrible. I feel like I’ve
betrayed him, even though I also know it was the right thing to do for
both of us; and I feel angry, because I know he won’t stop going to me
for help unless I force him to, and I want him to be more responsible
for himself than that. But…he’s not.

Basically, my situation is this: I’m not going to answer my phone,
because I know it’ll make things worse. I feel bad about this. I also
want to let him know to stop calling me, at least for awhile, period.
Even if he’s having a panic attack. Because I can’t cope with it, and
he needs to learn to cope without me. So I’m now seriously debating
sending him an email, pretty much saying that I care about him, and I
worry about him, but seriously, stop calling me and grow up. I just
don’t know if that’s a good idea, or if I should just ignore him
totally for awhile (and if I do so, is there any chance of us still
being friends down the line?). And, if it is a good idea, is there a
polite way to explain that I need him to leave me alone?

Thanks,
Dude, I lost you three days ago, are you mental?

Dear Dude,

I think cutting him off is the right idea, but if you want to be friends down the line, you’ll need to be a little less flip about it.Send him the email, and tell him gently but firmly that you can’t support him in this way and he’ll have to find help on his own, because it’s not a healthy situation — so you don’t want him contacting you for [x] months, and if he does, you won’t be responding, you hope he understands, et cetera.

Because you do need to cut off contact, but I think you need to tell him you’re doing so, clearly, and set the terms, clearly, and then you can feel…well, not “good” about not answering the phone, but at least like he’s not confused about the boundaries.I think part of the issue here is that you don’t want him to feel abandoned, and if you don’t explain what’s going on with you and why, it’ll just get him more het up, I suspect; he might still feel abandoned, but at least he’ll know what’s going on instead of having to wonder.

Extricate yourself — explicitly.

[9/22/05]

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