This is going to sound bathetic, drawn-out and yucky.Bear with me.

I just came out of a car accident that did a real number on me.Mercifully I suffered no debilitating spinal cord injuries, no freak amputations, and no ostensible brain damage, and for this I know I should show a little more gratitude than I’ve been able to muster.

What did happen is still kind of raking me over the coals, and I haven’t really figured out how to calm down from it.See, my friend was driving and my sister riding shotgun in what had been (God rest it) a pretty nice car, so of course they both had airbags.A few bruises and things aside, they both walked away.

I was in the backseat, however (seatbelted, thank God).Incidentally, so was a block of wood about 8x10x1.5 inches, with very nice, sharp edges (I don’t know what it was doing there…).Although I have no conscious memory of the impact (or most of the incidents surrounding it), I’m told that this sucker is responsible for some pretty formidable gashes to my face – the nastiest of which tore a sizable hole in my forehead that, in some places, exposed the skull.

I was out cold for all this, of course (another thing for which I know I should be thankful).In fact, I was in and out of consciousness most of the night.The closest thing I remember to the accident itself is being gurneyed into an ambulance wondering how the hell I got there, listening to the EMT speak of “one 18-year-old female survivor” on his radio and, convinced (in my delirium) by this that no one else had made it, losing consciousness again.

At my own stupid request, however, my sister, my friend, my mother (who was on the scene in a heartbeat) and a couple of really, really amazing doctors have filled me in on everything else, including all sorts of electrodes, tubes, ambulances, CAT scans, and other scary, yucky hospital-related things – plus a LOT of blood (and the aforementioned skull-baring).All of these people (even, notably, the doctor who saw me wheeled in) were pretty traumatized by the sheer gore and horror of it all, and in the days since I’ve had a lot of people burst into tears at the sight of me.

In some way, this makes my few memories ironically all the more horrific for their blessed ambiguity.I’m having nightmares with a horribly logical, plausible edge, and just plain scared of stuff I don’t even remember.Maybe I’m just scared I will remember.

Understand I’m just a little hayseed whose prior experience – concerning IV needles, plastic surgery, and seven-hour waits for said injuries to be stitched up at big ugly hospitals – was limited at best, and while I know on a rational level that I’m damn lucky things weren’t worse for me or anyone else, and my prognosis for recovery is VERY good, I can’t seem to shake this post-traumatic whoziss.I ask your help because I’ve got four cats, two part-time jobs, and a lot of wonderful, precious loved ones counting on me to come out of this “whole.”Thanks so much.

Sign me,
Never Again to Underestimate the Value of the Safety Belt

Dear Never,

You need to get counseling.You’ve suffered a terribly traumatic accident, traumatic both physically and mentally, and you’ll feel a whole range of things now that you’ve come through to the other side: depressed, because you can’t put this event into context; angry, because you sustained (possibly lasting) injuries; guilt, for not feeling happier to have survived; you name it, you’ll feel it.And you shouldn’t feel bad or guilty for resenting your fellow passengers, or for not relating to the people around you as well for a while, or however you feel.It’s natural.

But you need help to deal with the swamp of emotions and move forward.Your doctors can probably recommend a therapist who specializes in post-traumatic stress – I don’t think you have PTSD, necessarily, but I do think you could benefit from talking to someone about how the accident is affecting you in the present.

Regardless of whether you decide to talk to a counselor, take it at your own pace and don’t let others dictate how you feel.

[9/23/00]

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