The responses to the “Hispanic vs. Latino” question came in pretty much like I thought they would — some people distinguished between them by saying that “Hispanic” applies to folks from Spain originally, and “Latino” to everyone else (although it seems like you’d just call folks from Spain “Spanish”…I don’t know).”Latino” seems to be preferred, but by and large, most people don’t really care either way.

I also got a few votes for “Hispano,” which is apparently what certain Spanish textbooks advise, but…eh.”Latino/a” it is.

Thanks to everyone who wrote in.

Hey Sars —

I get from your writing that you’re a veteran of public transportation. I
hope you can help me out with this scenario.

I recently started taking a city bus to and from my crappy student job.
Occasionally, depending on what bus comes along first, that bus will be very
crowded, most of the seats will be full, and I wind up sitting next to
someone I don’t know. This in itself is not a problem. However, a few blocks
before my work is a very popular mid-campus stop and many people get off,
sometimes leaving me crammed in next to some stranger while surrounded by
empty seats.

My question is this: Do I change seats for the few blocks I have left to
give us both some elbow room? Or should I stay put so as not to give the
person the impression that he or she is horrible and I couldn’t bear to sit
next to him or her for a few blocks? Alternatively, am I nuts for even
wondering about this, because it’s a bus for pete’s sake, and nobody cares?

Any words of wisdom or recommendations for mental institutions would be
appreciated. Thanks.

Signed,
Too Cold to Walk in Madison

Dear Cold,

It’s a bus; nobody cares.I’d move, and I wouldn’t take it personally if the guy next to me moved, either.Go for it.

Hi Sars,

I am hoping you will have some insight on a problem I’m having with my cat, Sarah.I’m sorry if this email is rather long, but the background may be important.

Sarah is six years old this fall, and I’ve had her since she was a leggy little juvenile (she is now rapidly approaching rotund middle age).I’ve been describing her as a “toddler in a cat suit,” since the second day I had her; she has a frightening amount of personality.She is intelligent, affectionate, vocal and very, very demanding — she will sit in the kitchen and howl until you acknowledge her presence (then she’ll run to you and purr — “why did you wait so long to call me?”).

She has always expressed her displeasure through urine warfare — ever since I’ve had her, she’s made political statements about the condition of the litter box, and once she peed on the little sister of a roommate who happened to be sleeping on Sarah’s favourite couch.

I have done the usual things: nose-rubbing, spanking, locking her in or out of the room, constant vigilance, et cetera, but it never seems to have gotten through to her.Until last year, though, I hadn’t really had a problem so long as I kept the litter box clean.

However, over the past year, it’s gotten worse.Much worse.In April 2002, I went back to school, and had to move out of the nice apartment I shared with her and her brother, into a roommate situation.Shortly after that, her brother disappeared (to both our infinite sorrow), and Sarah started peeing on…other things.Mostly the doormat, but sometimes the door itself, or shoes by the door, and a purse that was on the floor by the door.At first I chalked it up to her inflated dependence on me (which I’m sure is from the anxiety of moving, the loss of her brother and outdoor privileges, and the scariness of the roommate’s own not-so-friendly cats) and tried to make up for that by coming home early (as possible — night classes) and playing and cuddling with her all the time I was home.

Perhaps I made a mistake — because I had sympathy for her, and because I never actually saw the peeing (though the roommate did), I didn’t make as big of a deal about the peeing as I should have.When I did find a wet spot, and punish her, she wouldn’t “speak” to me for days.I thought the problem would sort itself out when we moved into a less stressful situation.

Unfortunately, we are now in a less stressful situation, and the peeing continues.At the beginning of July, I moved to a very nice apartment, with tons of room, kitty daytime-outdoor-access, a pristine cat box, and only one roommate with one very small non-aggressive cat.I still spend tons of time and attention on her, but the doormat is beginning to smell, and, in the middle of the night, I actually heard her peeing in the corner of my room.I know she knew she did something wrong, because she fled when I sat up, and wouldn’t allow herself to be caught for a spanking.I also don’t think there’s anything wrong with her physically, since she uses the box when I’m home (except that once).

I’m a student, and I cannot afford either weekly doormats or steam-cleaner rentals.I won’t get rid of her (the thought is uncontemplatable) but I Need To Stop The Peeing.

What, o wise Sars, would you do?Any helpful advice would be sincerely appreciated.

Wet Spot and Not In a Good Way

Dear Wet,

Well, the first thing to do is to pick your shit up off the floor so she can’t pee on it — and for god’s sake get rid of that doormat.She’s marked it so thoroughly that it’s no wonder she keeps going back to it, so dump it and don’t get another one, and if she doesn’t have her own box, get her one; she might get along fine with the other cat but just not like sharing.

Next, take Sarah to the vet (…heh) and get her checked out, just to rule out any physical problems, although I think she does it more to express displeasure, as you say, than because she’s ill.Still, it can’t hurt to check, and you can ask the vet for behavioral strategies too.

And finally, if she pees mostly at night, you will have to confine her at night.For the sake of your sanity and your property, you need to deter her from that behavior — or at least make sure it takes place in an easy-to-clean room.But understand that she’s not going to “learn” from it; it’s not a punishment like the one you give to a human child.It’s a preventive measure, and if she doesn’t stop peeing, you’ll have to keep using that measure for the foreseeable future.

Hey, Sars!

So I have a male friend, Big E, from way back in the day, and we’d always had
a semi-vibe, but we live about six hours apart so we’d never done anything
about it.I’ve always had boys, and he’s always rocked the long-term
relationship thing, so there was never any real reason for us to hook up.

This year, he flew down to my college for a concert.Things had been pretty
flirty on IM and the phone for the last couple of weeks to a month before he
came down, and we were both pretty sure we were into each other.He has a
long-term, and I’m in an off-again on-again that was on at that time.Short
story, we had the sex, figured it was pretty much a mistake but kind of hot,
and he went back home.We tried to continue on our normal path, were
interested, but Big E realized that he wanted to try and work things out with
the girl, which was fine.

So, the friendship thing is kind of strained.I’m not desperately in
love with him; the sexin’ and the huggling was fun and exciting, but generally,
I can get that where I want.I miss our open friendship, and I realize that
I strained that by getting naked with him while he has a girlfriend.My
friends think I should be madder at him for not wanting to rearrange his life
for me, but I’m not really.I just miss him somewhat, and I’m not sure how to
proceed.

Are the friendly emails and IMs still okay? Or should I back off
until he comes to me — and if he doesn’t, then let it go, ’cause our friendship is
sort of expired?

Thanks for your help!

S

Dear S,

It’s hard for me to say what you should do when you haven’t said much about his specific behavior since you slept with him — why don’t you just ask him how he’s feeling about things?You guys did have a friendship of some standing; it’s not out of line for you to wonder how that’s going to play out.

Call him up and ask him how he wants you to play it.It’s possible that he’s backed off because the girl isn’t all that happy about getting cheated on and doesn’t want him in contact with you, and if that’s the case, well, there you go — or maybe he just doesn’t know how you see things shaping up.

Either way, it’s time for you to tell him what you just told me — you don’t expect anything from him relationship-wise, but you would like to know where you and your friendship stand.

Dear Sarah,

I’m an eighteen-year-old freshman in college, and I could really use a perspective
from someone who won’t try to be nice to me. I don’t know how common this
problem is, but I hate sex. Hate hate hate hate hate. I mean, I was sexually
abused as a kid, and my first post-adolescent sexual encounter was rape,
so, enh. Don’t like sex. Don’t want anything to do with it.

Now, I am seeing a therapist, and a psychiatrist, and I even spent a few
months working with a massage therapist who specialized in helping abused
women before the whole thing started to thoroughly squick me out. I’m going
to stick with the therapy because I really want to be healthy. But over
the summer my therapist just straight-up told me that, yeah, sure, someday
I might get over this, but there is a real possibility that I just might
never like sex. The problem isn’t with having an orgasm — I mean, I have
a vibrator, and I use it, and everything is good (no guilt, or anything
like that). And I don’t have a problem with sex in the abstract, either;
I encourage my friends to enjoy their bodies, and I enjoy the sexy bits
in the movies as much as anyone else. The problem comes in when it’s time
for me, personally, to have sexual contact, presumably with a guy. I can
do it, and I have, on autopilot, and just freak out about it later, but
I stopped that a few months back when I decided it couldn’t possibly be
good for me.

So here’s my question. I don’t have a boyfriend right now. But is it even
appropriate for me to get a boyfriend at all? Especially at this age, when,
and I don’t mean to generalize unfairly, most guys see the sex as at the
least a definite bonus from a relationship? I mean, I want to, because I
enjoy the intimacy, and the emotional connection, and, you know, I really
like guys. I’m attracted to them. And besides, I’d like to get married someday
and have kids (way too early to be thinking about that, I know, but…).
But I feel like that would be unfair. It isn’t even like I’m super-Christian
(I’m not a Christian at all) and I’m saying “no sex until marriage.” It
might pan out to “no sex, ever.” So I’ve been avoiding guys since coming
to college, since if I hang around them for long, they usually ask me out/make
a move, and I don’t know how to deal with that right now.

I know I have a lot of time to be in therapy before I need to start worrying
about spinsterhood, but what about right now? Should I just resign myself
to having all female friends (not a bad thing, I went to an all-girls’ high
school and don’t have a problem with being in a female environment) until
I get my head screwed on straight? And if I don’t get my head screwed on
straight, ever…what then? Saying, “Sorry, but I won’t be having sex with
you” seems like kind of a heavy message to lay out for a guy right after
“hi, what’s your name,” but I really don’t want to lead anyone on.

Thanks for any advice you can offer!

Absolutely Abstinent

Dear Ab,

No, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to get a boyfriend right now.You have a lot to sort out on your own, and you need to do it on your own, at least for now.It’s hard to do it patiently on your own, but I think adding a relationship to your particular mix of issues would only complicate things and slow you down.

For now, keep going to therapy, and try not to worry too much about the future — as you said, it’s early yet, and these things do take time to sort out, but there’s no reason to think you won’t sort them out.If you don’t, you will find a way to deal with that, and you will find a man who is sympathetic, but you probably will.

You’ve got a lot on your plate right now, emotionally.Take your time.

Sars,

I’m being stupid over a guy, a terrible thing to do as I’m
always gently nudging my friends not to do that.

My problem is my boyfriend’s obnoxious roommate, formerly
my best friend. I met the OR first.Then I met BF.It
was good.BF was hot, smart, funny, and generally
everything I like in a guy that is healthy and good.

I’ve had a dysfunctional little crush on OR since
November.He’s cute, smart, funny, and basically the type
of guy who sees right through me.Vain, admittedly arrogant,
and oh-so-aware that he can crack a joke now and then. I’m
nineteen.For six years, I’ve fawned over guys like that.I’m getting over it. Hint gotten: I’m his theoretical
back-up plan; he’s way too aware that he looks good;
blah blah he’s-dating-jailbait-and-we’re-college-sophomores-cakes.

I am not judging him.She does look twenty.This is not
the obnoxious factor.

It’s obnoxious when my BF invites OR to the place where I
live.This, in and of itself, is cool.I like(d) OR,
despite his dickishness. All my roommates do.Everyone is
friends with everyone else.Bastard.

Today, OR decides to lecture me about finances.OR tells
me he doesn’t want to hear it. I wasn’t talking to him.I
was explaining to BF that a check hadn’t come in the mail
that was to be here last week.This annoyed OR.As he sat on my chair. So he told me he
didn’t want to hear it.This is better than yesterday, when he spent thirty
minutes explaining that I am not in fact over him.

He does this shit all the time — passing moral
judgment on me, then telling me to shut up before I speak.He also likes to tell complete strangers that I 1) live
with his roommate and 2) have a huge crush on him.

I spend a lot of time at OR and BF’s apartment.I helped
them pick it out.I told them to move in together.I
cannot just flat-out ban OR from our place.My other
roommates like him, a male/geek bonding over D&D.I have nothing against D&D.I have something against this
asshole branding me as a desperate girl who’s
head-over-heels in love with him, and thinks of nothing
else.My going back to the guys’ apartment with BF, and
shutting the bedroom door in OR’s face, proves this
somehow.

My current plans of dealing with it are immature and
petty.OR stepped outside to call his girlfriend on his
cell.I locked the door.BF told me not to.He’s got my back, usually.

Can I kick this asshole out of my place? This could start
a fight between BF and OR. They have a year on their
lease.It’s nothing huge yet, but, Christ. I hate sitting
here, seething, because I’m fucking afraid to tell a guy
that he’s out of line.I don’t play like that.

On the other hand, I don’t want to put my relationship in
jeopardy by finally getting over this crush.BF wouldn’t
leave me over this, but it would change a lot…

I beseech you, Sars.Can’t I just kick his ass out, next
time he or BF decides he should come over to knock my
self-esteem down? I could talk my roommates into it, if I
bribed them all…

Sign me,
Burst Bubbles

Dear Burst,

Why can’t you just either 1) tell him to shut up or 2) ignore him?Who gives a shit if he thinks you still have a crush on him, or what he thinks of your finances?He does it because it bugs you, so stop letting it.

You can put your foot down and tell him to show you respect in your own home or he’s no longer welcome there, but I really don’t see how giving in to the drama is worth it.He’s an immature brat.Stop caring what he thinks.

[9/23/03]

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