Sars,

You might direct Cute towards Torrid.com or Hot Topic — or other stores that cater to the “freaky” teen demographic. They quite often carry adult sizes of kiddie-type clothes/shoes. Also, Payless has some cute pink sneakers online. No sparkles though.

I feel her pain — I wore size 10 shoes from age ten on. My mother and I would have monster fights looking for shoes that fit (me) and didn’t look too mature (mom).

Thanks.

Loren

Dear Loren,

Thanks for the suggestions!Other ideas from the readership (multiples are asterisked):

www.reyers.com
Zappos.com* (and you can index your search results by size and price)
Bakers
Rack Room
Skechers*
Sears
Target*
Wal-Mart
Land’s End
Nine West Outlet
Kohl’s
www.brucettes.com
Marshall’s
TJ Maxx
Ross Dress For Less
Steve Madden*
Nordstrom/Nordstrom Rack
DSW*
Famous Footwear
Classic Converse Chuck Taylors (which you can now customize)
Shoe Carvival.com
Off Broadway

Dearest Sars,

Long-time reader, second-time writer and it has to do with men. Yeah, I know. The deal is: I seem to be the other woman -– a lot.

I changed jobs last year and through work (I didn’t work directly with him but I did have to email him once a week or so) I met The Idiot -– very cute, smart, we could talk for hours on any subject…and very much in love with his girlfriend. Or so he said, then he’d tell me that I knew him better than she did, that she didn’t understand his jokes and, gosh, was I sexy. The girlfriend was jealous of our friendship but she’d just have to deal with it, he said. I soon realized that The Idiot was fine with me crushing on him as long as I didn’t get too close and didn’t jeopardize his relationship with the girlfriend. I dropped The Idiot like a bad habit and haven’t really talked to him about anything more than work in six months. We only flirted. Nothing physical ever happened between us.

In the meantime, I met The Asshat through mutual friends, spent one amazing night talking, bonding over music and kissing. He told me he wasn’t dating anyone but that he’d recently been in contact with an old girlfriend from high school and that he was flying out there in a couple days to see her. I hear through mutual friends later that he hit it off with her and they are now dating. The Asshat did not bother to tell me this himself nor did he call and follow up on our first meeting. More power to him, says I. I hope they are happy together. Mazel tov. A few weeks later The Asshat asks me to dinner with him and mutual friend K. I go and Asshat tells me about his new love but hopes he and I can be friends because he thinks I’m cool. I tell him I’m happy for him…and not fifteen minutes later he hits on me.

The thing is, I have dated but never been in a committed relationship. I’ve been celibate for five years and blah, blah, excuses cakes. The Asshat…let’s just say that I kept telling myself nothing would ever happen between he and I until something happened between he and I. We ended up drunkenly making out in front of a bar in Berkeley. The Asshat told me he was conflicted and unsure whether or not he really loved his long-distance girl or if he and I could have something together. Anyway, to make an incredibly long story short, we only made out the one time and he chose her. I realized I needed some time away from him to get over him and decide if I wanted to be friends with him or not. When I told The Asshat this, he argued with me. Then he proceeded to show up at several events with mutual friends and sit next to me. Just two days ago he drove by my house, yelling and waving. Whatever, dumbass, have fun. I’ll be over here trying to figure out why I’m attracted to men I can’t have. Thanks and goodbye.

Yesterday, The Idiot called me. He wants to go to a movie. I said yes because we did have an amazing connection and if we can both maintain boundaries we could probably be friends –- maybe. Except through the course of the evening I get the impression he and his girlfriend have broken up. Not because he hits on me but because he doesn’t know how she’s doing or if she’s found a full-time job, but he doesn’t say flat-out if they’re still together or not.

Here’s the deal, Sars: I’m not good at the whole men/dating thing, as you can tell by this letter. And right now I’m really confused. I have no idea if I should give The Idiot the time of day or if I’m just opening myself up for heartache. We’re all in our twenties and trying to figure ourselves and our lives out. Are both these men irredeemable assholes? ‘Cause they’ve both done some stuff that was pretty crappy. Then again, so have I. Am I a horrible person for flirting/making out with another woman’s man? You’re probably going to tell me that I have some underlying issue that causes me to create situations like this in my life. You’re right and I’m working on the self-esteem thing. In the meantime, is it possible that none of us are bad people, but that we’re young, enjoy each other’s company and maybe pushed boundaries too far? Or am I deluding myself on that one?

Thanks for listening,
Would like to be “the woman” instead of the other one

Dear Other,

First and foremost, you need to take the drama down a few notches.One make-out session and a few flirts do not make you a serial homewrecker, and flirting is really not cheating; nor is it your responsibility to see that another woman’s boyfriend doesn’t interact inappropriately with you or anyone else.It’s his responsibility, period.

With that said, you know these guys are chain-yankers, and you really shouldn’t give them any further yank opportunities, if you see what I mean.”Amazing connection,” “we could be friends” — no.You don’t want to be friends; you want him to choose you, and he won’t.It’s a waste of time.

Be honest with yourself about what you want from these guys; be honest with yourself about whether you’ll get it….Yeah, I know you won’t.Go do something else with your time besides taking the ethical temperature of the situation every five minutes.

Sars,

I never thought I’d write an advice column, but here goes.I regret to
inform you this is about a boy.

I met Michael right after Thanksgiving.I enjoyed his company immediately,
but I’m not one who really believes in love at first sight.Sparks, sure.
Lifetime commitments, na-uh.But he laid it on thick right from the start,
eventually convincing me I’d lost my faith in love.He said we had a gift,
a rare gift, and we needed to embrace it.So, trying not to be hardened by
29, I did.And for the next six months, life was indeed blissful.

I guess there were signs along the way: he worked late, very late, a lot.
He wouldn’t return phone calls.He’d disappear for hours.He’d leave on
business and was virtually unreachable.But I never expected what happened
next.He returned home from a business trip to Miami and informed me he’d
been offered a position there he really couldn’t afford to turn down.Thus,
he was considering it.We had a brief 45-minute discussion about how things
might work long distance-wise, but that was it.

Four days later, he packed up and left town.He remained for all purposes
unreachable for days, and when I complained, he broke up with me.At work.
Over the phone.He has called me every day since, declaring he will always
love me.We probably talk more now than while we were together.I still,
of course, love him deeply, but he flatly states his feelings have changed.

So, why all the phone calls?He says I’m one of his best friends.That I’m
part of his family.He wants to keep in touch.He even wants to work
together.My question is: Is it possible to be friends in these
circumstances?Or am I just clinging hopefully to the proposition to keep
him in my life because I just don’t know how to let go?Oh, one more thing,
I discovered the Miami deal sort of died.He’s relocated to city I plan to
move to in three months.And my relocation plans honestly had nothing to do
with him.

Thanks for the insight,
Aspiring Phoenix

Dear Phoenix,

Something about the whole situation is hinky — he just up and moves to Miami?He isn’t in love with you anymore, but he’s still calling, keeping a hand in?It’s…creepy, kind of.I can’t put my finger on why, but it is, and even if it weren’t, you need to tell him to stop calling you.And then you need to stop taking his calls.

I don’t know why you haven’t already; it’s not like he’s acted like your friend thus far, so why you’d want to keep him in your life, I don’t get.He talked you into falling in love with him and then blew town like the law was after him (which, given how weird he’s acting, may in fact have been the case), dumped you, and won’t leave you alone.He’s a dick.Tell him so and get rid of him.

Dear Sarah,

My problem is with a guy (hey, no big surprise there, right?). We had worked with each other for a few months, he being my manager, and one night, he asked me if I wanted to hang out with him. I thought that there was nothing wrong with this, since I was the only person on the staff that was his age and legal to go to the bar, at the time. Fast forward a few weeks, and we’re seeing each other. Well, not really, because no one could know about the two of us. I was happy for a long time, until we started to hang around this group of his friends, and there was one girl in particular that always made me feel jealous and envious whenever she was around, mainly for the way that she could draw his attention to her better than I could ever hope to.

When plans for this girl’s birthday came up, I knew that I wasn’t included, because I wasn’t part of that group, but he assured me that they were coming back to town late in the evening and everyone was getting together to watch movies and get drunk aterwards. He assured me that they all liked me, and that he would call me as soon as they got back. That night, I waited two hours and then went to bed, angry and upset when he didn’t call. I was sure that something had happened between them that night, and after seeing him for a few months already, I felt hurt that I could even think something like that about him.

But two days later, after us snapping at each other over the fact that he didn’t call me, he burst out with, “I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t love you.” I’ve always had problems saying those words, since two years ago, I got beat up mentally and physically by a guy that I swore I loved. The next day, I found out that he was now seeing the girl who had the birthday party, although it took a good week or so to pry it out of him, because again, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

I don’t like this girl. I never have, and I don’t think I will. Whenever I’m around her, she tends to pull her friends off to the side and whisper to them, when I’m the only other person standing around them, and then, when we’re all leaving, she acts all friendly when she says goodnight. I still want to be friends with him, but I’m also in love with this guy, and I can’t stand to be around the two of them. Whenever I make plans with him, she has to be included, whether I’m promised that she won’t be or not. And any time she is around, I keep feeling guilty, like I shouldn’t be there, and I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t want me around.

I think the hardest part about all of this is the fact that he continually tells me that he loves me and needs me, and whether consciously or unconsciously, strings me along to make me believe that something could actually happen with him again. So, what do I do? Give up on a guy that I like to be around, or just go on with my life? And to make matters even more complicated…he’s still my boss. Please help.

Thanks,
Crying Into My Pillow At Night

Dear Crying,

…Where do you work, T.G.I. Dickwad’s?Your manager sounds like an immature drip.Quit your job, stop hanging out with him, stop hanging out with that other girl, and feel good about it, because he kept you a secret and then basically cheated on you and now he’s fucking with your head.

Folks, if nothing about a situation makes you happy, sometimes it really is “that simple” just to get out of the situation.This letter?Perfect example.This guy is breaking your heart and making your work life hell.Run away.

Sars,

I’ve read about the New Dickson Baseball Dictionary on
TN before, and I’d like to get it for my
hardcore-baseball lovin’ fiancé for his birthday next
month.However, when I look at it on amazon.com, I
see that it was published in 1999.So my question is,
would you recommend it as a good purchase now, in
2005?Or is there another, more up-to-date baseball
dictionary/encyclopedia I should get fiancé?

Thanks.

Chica

Dear Chica,

Not really; it’s a dictionary, so the ways in which it can get dated are pretty limited (they’re not going to change the infield fly rule anytime soon).

Some of the more recent SportsCenter lingo isn’t in there, but those terms don’t tend to have that much staying power anyway.I suppose you could wait for a newer edition, but I can’t really think of anything you’d look up where a ’99 pub date would make a difference.A player encyclopedia, yeah, you want the latest one, but this, eh.

[9/23/05]

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