Hi Sars!Long-time reader, first-time whiner.

My little group of five is splitting up.Granted, we’ve only known each other for a couple of years, but we all worked at the same place this year and have gotten really close.I’ve come to rely on these people personally as well as professionally and the thought of no longer spending time with them is frightening.

Two of them have already moved on and a third just got married this weekend.So the five of us were all together, quite possibly for the last time for a long while and what do I do?I act like a tremendous bitch.I snark at them, I demand we leave early, I separate myself from the group, I gripe about being the designated driver.I general don’t give up the bitchiness routine until I’m quite certain everyone is as miserable as I am.I know, for twenty-seven years old, I have the coping skills of a six-year-old.

Well, my friends are pretty cool, and the next day before we all parted company, I apologized.They hugged me and forgave me.I still felt like shit for treating them like shit, but I did feel better knowing they weren’t holding it against me.

Here’s my problem.As I stated, three of the five of us have moved on, and the fourth is presently making preparations to do the same.The fourth, George, is the one I am the closest to and the hardest for me to let go of.For the last few weeks he’s tried to spend time with me, but I keep blowing him off.I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when we’re together because I know we’ll be apart soon.I know the “we’ll keep in touch” routine, but I also know me and my track record: it just doesn’t happen.I’m all for the “let’s just make a clean break” which is what I’ve basically done with the other four.We’ll be e-mail buddies and see each other if we all happened to be in the same town, et cetera, but that’s it.For the others in our group, that’s fine with me, but with George, I just can’t take that.So instead of spending our last few weeks together, bonding and other such crap, I’m avoiding my best friend like the plague.

I feel like a toad because I’m hurting someone I care about, and I can’t for the life of me see beyond my own pain to make this situation any better.I know I can’t keep giving him the cold shoulder, nor can I pretend that the whole situation will resolve itself.I need to talk to him, but how can I approach it so that I don’t sound like the needy, co-dependent, psychopathic freak I’ve been acting like for the past few months?

Any words of wisdom (or sarcasm – I love good sarcasm) would be greatly appreciated.

Thorny on the outside

Dear Thorny,

I hope that, in the absence of wisdom and/or sarcasm, directness will do.You absolutely and immediately must get over yourself.

A lot of this letter reads as though you have no control over your emotions or your actions, as though you suffer from some sort of interpersonal Tourette’s syndrome.But you can’t keep shrugging your shoulders and saying, “Oh well, I’m being a bitch – now what do I do?”Well, now you realize that you have separation anxiety that makes you hostile, and you squash it, because it’s unfair to your friends.

Tell George that you know you’ve acted bratty, but it’s because you don’t want to let him go.Ask him to forgive you.Promise that you’ll behave from now on – and mean it, and do it.And after he moves away, make an effort to stay in touch.”It just doesn’t happen” doesn’t cut it – again, you don’t seem to think that you have to take any responsibility for your behavior, but you do.It’s perfectly normal to feel freaked out and sad and scared of losing people you hold dear, but the simple fact of having an emotion doesn’t mean you have to put it in play.

Acknowledging that you act like a six-year-old doesn’t give you the right to keep doing it.So stop doing it.It’s as simple as that.Really.

[9/25/00]

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