All right. Cat issue.

A little less than a week ago, I moved cross-country for a three-month
internship. Not wanting to find my own place for that short a time, I decided
to rent a room from T, a woman I found on one of those roommate-matching Web
sites. T is great; the house is great; the room is great; I even get along with
her dog.

But the cats? The cats are a problem.

They’re sisters, and they’re the only survivors from their litter (the rest
were eaten). They didn’t have an easy life before T’s daughter adopted them,
and I can understand why they might be moody or just not friendly. The cats
aren’t permanent members of this household, either; T is just holding them here
until her daughter finds an apartment that allows pets. But they’ve been here
for a while, and I’ve never seen them do anything mean to her — either they’re
friendly, purring kitties or they’re off in their own corners, away from the
action. Also, they’re very much indoor/outdoor cats — they do whatever they
want, stay out all night if they feel like it, grace us with their presence
only when they want food, et cetera, so they can pick and choose their human
contact.

One of the cats has been nothing but wonderful to me since I arrived. She was
rubbing against my ankles in minutes. The other one, Gandy, is a different
story.

T, as well as her other roommate, often go away for the weekends. Last weekend
— my first here — I had the house to myself. The nice kitty pretty much
stayed outside the whole time, meowing at the door when she wanted in, eating,
then meowing to get back out. I can handle that.

But Gandy? Gandy stayed in. And cried all night, and all morning, and all
night. I would check on her, and she would rub up against my ankles and purr
and purr, but if I tried to touch her in any way, she would hiss and bite or
swat at my hand. As soon as I walked away, she’d cry again.

We did this for two days.

Finally, on Sunday, I thought we had a breakthrough. She crawled up on my lap
and nuzzled my hand. Finally, I thought, we’re friends. Then I tried to put my
hand on her back. Hiss. Swat. She jumped off, and I walked away, but in
minutes, she was crying and scratching at my door. If I left my room, she’d
follow me up and down the hall, but as soon as I stopped moving, she was
hissing and biting.

Mixed signals, much?

But all of a sudden, on Monday, she was all sweetness, nuzzling my ankles, even
letting me pet her. Every time I sat down, she was in my lap, being the calm
kitty T had told me she could be. Which was fine, until I tried to move.

The second I tried to get up, she’d have her teeth in my wrist or, in one
memorable occasion, her claws all tied up in my sweatpants. I’d try to just
keep walking, but then she’d hiss and pounce in a particularly vicious way. If
I tried to go in my room (the one place the pets can’t go, for a very practical
reason — I have an inflatable bed; they have claws), she’d actually throw
herself against my legs.

I love cats, but I haven’t had one of my own since I was six years old, so I’m
not very current on cat-speak. I don’t want to cause this poor cat any more
trauma. I know cats and people need a certain adjustment time, but quite
frankly, I don’t have all that much time to give it, and if there’s anything I
should do, or if I’m doing anything wrong, I’d like to know.

Thoughts?

Good kitt– ow, hey, stop that

Dear Good,

You moved in less than a week ago, and the cat is evidently a temporary fixture anyway, so an in-depth analysis of the cat’s motives probably isn’t worthwhile — but it sounds like the cat wants attention, and just doesn’t know the “right” way to express that.

So, give her a little while longer to get used to you; bond with her when she’s playing nice, but when the claws come out, deposit her gently on the floor and remove yourself to your room.And the next time you get a chance, ask T whether this is normal behavior for the cat and what she’d suggest in terms of dealing with Gandy without bleeding to death.

Hey, Sars,

I am a freelancing private music teacher.It’s taken me years to build up
enough work so that I can quit working in retail, and enough is never really
enough, as I’m sure you know.I’m always scouting for more gigs and more
students.This winter, a friend asked me to take over her piano studio for
three months while she took a gig in another state.I’d never thought I’d
be a passable piano teacher, but I figured a few months wasn’t enough for me
to damage anyone seriously.I took the gig, and I LOVED it.I loved the
kids, and the schedule, and I even started getting my own piano skills back
in shape.

The problem: The friend is back, of course.I’m absolutely giving her
students back to her, but my question is this: Would I be a bad friend if I
thought about maybe starting out with a few piano students of my own?My friend is
sort of sensitive about these things, and she might think I’m invading her
territory.We live in a small Southern city where music is not highly
valued by many parents; there SHOULD be enough students to go around, but
there really aren’t.Also, she charges a lot more than I do (because she’s
better than I am at piano), so I’d have to be careful not to advertise my
lower prices.

I could really use the business, but I don’t want to steal it from my friend
— especially since she was the one who loaned me the students in the first
place.As a freelancer, what do you think?

Thanks,
The Bills Don’t Stop Over Summer Vacation

Dear Bills,

If you didn’t know your friend and you’d just moved to town, you’d probably have no compunction about hanging out your piano-teacher shingle, lower rates and all, and letting the market decide who got which students.Unfortunately, you do know her, and you want to teach piano because of her, which she might perceive as a stab in the back.On the other hand, it’s a risk your friend took when she turned over her students to you for three months — and you did her a favor by accepting that responsibility.

I guess you could ask yourself which is more important to you, the friendship or the work, and then decide, but I think you should just talk to your friend about it first and see how she reacts.Stress that you don’t want to undermine her by going ahead, but you really like the job and you really need the money — but don’t promise you won’t do it.Just get her take on it.Then you can make an informed decision.

And maybe the two of you can come to a compromise: you don’t poach her students; you charge less but only take on beginners; the two of you find a way to co-exist in the current piano-lesson market.But if she’s having none of that, remember what I said in the first paragraph.If what’s stopping you from teaching piano is that you know her, you might have to not know her anymore.

Hi Sars,

I’ve got a problem I’m hoping you can help me with.

I’m the middle child of five and my parents have been married for 30 years.About a month ago I was on my mom’s computer looking for a file I’d saved, and I came across a bunch of emails from one of her co-workers, Mr. X.I knew that I should just ignore them, but I read them anyway because I’m nosy and I thought they’d just be the usual office gossip.But they weren’t, and now I wish I hadn’t.

It seems that she’s been cheating on my dad for at least three months (that’s how far the emails went back) with Mr. X.All her recent business trips have actually been weekends away with Mr. X, and her usual Friday night movie and drinks with the girls has become time spent with him as well.Not only that, but when she is home she shuts herself in her study, claiming she has work to do, and ignores the rest of the family.My dad, who believes that she’s acting like this because she has been so busy at work lately, is in the middle of planning a surprise trip to New York for their anniversary next month so she can have a break.It makes me want to scream.

The worst part of this is that Mr. X is someone I’ve known all my life, a good friend of my father’s and godfather to my littlest sister.He’s been over to the house twice since I found out what’s going on, and it took everything I had not to start screaming accusations him.

So finally I’ll get to my question.I know what they’re doing, so what do I do about it?I’m torn in two different directions; do I keep my mouth shut and pretend it’s not happening or do I confront Mom and Mr. X?

I realize that when it comes right down to it, it’s their marriage and I should just mind my own business, but I love my father and I have so much respect for him, and keeping quiet about this makes me feel like I’m helping my mom get away with an affair.

Any advice?

Wishing I’d never snooped in the first place

Dear Wishing,

Well, you can’t unknow a thing once you know it…and the problem with a thing you know from snooping is that you can’t really go anywhere with it afterwards, because it’s not really your thing to know in the first place.

It sounds to me like your mom is trying to get back at your father for something, or to get his attention.Leaving the emails where anyone could find them relatively easily, sleeping with a friend of the family…it’s high-risk behavior that’s pretty much guaranteed to get her caught.I don’t know what she’s up to with that, but the problem is that you don’t either, and that, even though their behavior does affect you, what goes on in your parents’ marriage is between your parents.It sucks, but it’s possible that you don’t know everything about the situation.

With that said, you can do one of two things.You can keep it to yourself and hope your mother chooses to do the right thing and end it, or you can tell your mother you know what’s going on.Don’t yell; don’t say how you know (although she’ll probably guess, and rip a strip off you for it, but try to take it gracefully).Tell her you love her and you hope she’ll do the right thing, but you won’t lie for her if asked directly.

I can’t really say which course of action is best.I know you don’t want to see your father hurt or made a fool of, but that horse is most of the way out of the barn already, and he can’t unknow it either once he knows about it.It’s a tough secret to keep, and it’s unfair of the universe to suggest that you keep it, but think hard about whether you want to get into the middle of this thing, because once you do get into the middle, there’s probably no getting out.

However you decide to proceed, good luck.

Hey Sars, love your site.My question is more one of logistics than emotional turmoil, but here goes: I’m 19, and have been dating this guy for two and a half months.He’s not at all the problem, as so far, he’s been as close to perfect as can be.My problem is that we both live at home with our respective families, and we don’t have anywhere to be alone together.

It’s not that I want to jump him or anything (quite frankly, we’ve managed to think of something when needed), but I feel like we never have time (well, more a place) to just sit and just be with one another.I’ve talked to him about it, and he feels the same way (although I think to a lesser degree than I do), but he can’t think of any solutions, and neither can I.Can you help us out?

Thanks a ton,
Just Wanting Some Bloody Peace Once In A While

Dear Peace,

One of you needs to move out on his or her own.Failing that, find a low-key coffee shop where the two of you can meet and hang out on the couch a couple of evenings a week; you can just drink tea and read and you won’t have to talk to or interact with anyone else, really.And whenever one family is scheduled to be out of the house for a few hours, take advantage of that.

But until you get your own place(s), if you just want to hang out sans nookie, in public is the way to go.Take a picnic to a park, put your feet up at a mellow local bookstore, anywhere you won’t have siblings squawking about where they left their shoes.

Hi Sars,

I have a petty grammar quibble. Actually, it’s more like a pronounciation
question. Actually, downgrade it again and it’s just a quarter to four in
the morning and I have a dispute with my boyfriend. Yes, I’m getting to
it.

Is “psyched” (as in, “Gee I’m psyched it snowed right when flowers were
blooming — NOT!”) a one-syllable or…more word? I tried the old
see-how-many-times-your-chin-bounces trope, and somehow came up with one
and a half syllables or so. My boyfriend and his roomie claim it has
upwards of three: “Psy-ket-tah.” We all know “psych” is a firmly one-syllabled
word, but as for its friend, we have no clue.

I throw this on the mercy of
the court. Frankly, I’m getting creeped out saying it over and over until
it sounds like nonsense and need a fresh opinion. Thanks!

Never wants to be enthused about anything again, ever

Dear Stoked,

Let’s distinguish between syllables and sounds.”Psyched” actually contains four distinct sounds: the sibilant (“s”); the long “i”; the hard “c”; and the heavy “t” (used for the “d”).But it’s still one syllable, like “act” or “trust” — sure, you could argue that “trust” is really pronounced “tuh-rus-t(eh),” but only if you purposely exaggerate each sound.The word is still one syllable.

Webster’s 11C concurs; I don’t see a notation for separate syllables here.”Psyched” has only one syllable.

[9/25/03]

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