Ugh.I have a problem.

I have been dating probably one of the most amazing boys on the planet for three and a half months.We are extremely happy/amazed that we even met anyone like each other.He (we will call him Ben) is really cute, grossly intelligent, weird, funny, and overall the best thing that has happened to me in – ever.He is completely unafraid of commitment (we were telling each other all about how much we love each other after two months) and the best part about it is neither am I.See I was coming off of a three-year period of dating Me.I had my heart decimated by a boy (we’ll call him Knoll – hee hee) who I dated for two years, who then thought after we broke up that it would be a good idea to date my best friend.Then they decided that cohabitation would be the best idea ever.It damn near destroyed my liver, but they are now broken up, and I am friends with him again and all is good.I love me, and I made an excellent girlfriend to myself, but spooning with myself was really unsatisfying.Ben fit in quite nicely.

So if I have resolved issues with Knoll, and am in love with Ben, then why am I writing?Well, Ben and his roommate just moved in with Ben’s ex-girlfriend (ah, hell.Let’s call her “Hannah.”I am so lame).They dated in high school (it has been five or six years since they dated), blah, plus he is totally obsessed with his hometown, so they have that in common as well, plus she dumped him, and it “broke [his] heart.”He says that he isn’t attracted to her and that she is like a sister to him and I believe him, but it still bugs the crap out of me.See, it would be one thing if I could look at her and rip her to shreds.But she is cute, funny, smart, talented, really nice and cool.Other than the fact that she knew what Ben looks like naked before I did, I really can’t say one bad thing about her.So I begin to wonder why he isn’t with her.Everyone that I have asked about this is amazed that I am able to deal, and is rendered slack-jawed by the suggestion of living with an ex.I am not sure what part of “vibrating with jealousy” indicated I was “dealing.”

I notice that when we are around her, he is way less affectionate towards me and he kind of focuses the conversation on her, then ends sentences with “Isn’t that right, Felicity?” (I get to be Felicity) or some other way to include me tertiarily in whatever he is saying.Like, “Baby, I may be the one talking, but you are just as much of an active part of this conversation as I am.”Not.And since they just moved into their apartment, they are spending a lot of time buying shit for it, and there is nothing I like less than hearing funny anecdotes about the guy in front of them at Target that smelled like he bathed in sour milk, or how they drove around “for hours” looking for that one resale shop so that they can buy a couch together.I try to be cool about it.Hey, we all need something to sit on.But hearing stories like this, for some reason, is not unlike shoving bamboo shoots up my fingernails.It hurts.

I know that he loves me, and wants to be with me and that she is just a good friend, but knowing all of that and acting like I know that are two different things.When I am around her, I try to act like nothing is wrong, but it doesn’t always come out that way.I try to pull it off that I am tired or sick, but he knows that isn’t it.We had a long discussion about my problems with her.I told him how I feel inexplicably threatened by her, and that this is a situation that I have never had to deal with before.He understands where I am coming from, and feels bad about it, but ultimately thinks I am being silly.I told him I would try to get over it, but that really isn’t happening.

Maybe I am just gun-shy.I have seen stranger things happen.See above: ex-boyfriend hooking up with best friend.I never thought that would happen in amillion years.He didn’t even like her when we were dating, then they wind up living together.I was alone for three years because I didn’t want to put myself in a position to get hurt like that again.I fee like I have put myself out there for Ben in a huge capacity, and I will not go through that broken heart bullshit again.

Okay, so what do you think?Am I overreacting?Underreacting?Or just plain stupid?

Green-Eyed In Chicago

Dear Green,

Here’s the thing: you can’t live your life expecting other people to fuck you over.We’ve all gotten screwed at one time or another, and it hurts, but you’ve got to give people a chance to act right.Trusting Ben is terrifying, but it’s also liberating, and it can’t pay off if you don’t do it fully.

Make a command decision – either trust him, or don’t.Ben has a long history with Hannah; you can either accept it as history, or you can assume that he’s just going to break your heart and you can walk away.Either way, let Ben in on what you’re thinking, and if you decide to go with it, tell him that – but tell him that you don’t feel you should have to give Hannah face time if you don’t want to, and that if he rewards your trust in him by dicking you over, he’s getting an immediate and forceful boot to the curb.

Mind you, I don’t know which path you should take.If you love each other, you can work around this, but I have to tell you that Ben’s moving in with his apocryphal ex sets off more than one of my bullshit alarms.

Good luck.

[9/26/00]

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